What went wrong with this friendship?

[Riddlediddle]

Been a group of friends since school. We didn't see each other regularly but across the year we always meet up for birthdays and christmas and have the odd girls night out as we are still all fairly local to each other. Plus have a WhatsApp group where we message just with general chit chat and life updates. For a while now I've been feeling like I'm being pushed out of the group - it's obvious when we do meet the the other 3 friends have been meeting up separately as they talk and laugh about places they've been together and things they've done as a 3 (e.g. shopping trips, coffee meet ups, going around to each other's houses for drinks even shows they've been to together). None of this has been mentioned on the WhatsApp group (which we always use to arrange our meet ups) so they've clearly been arranging things behind my back. The first time it happened I did say something and kind of got shot down and made to feel like it was just a one off and as I absolutely hate confrontation I've not had the confidence to say anything since. What puts the nail in the coffin for me though is that middle of last year I went through a relationship break up. This was massive for me as it was a very long relationship and we have dc together so it has obviously been an extremely difficult time for me. I updated the ladies on the situation via the chat and apart from the initial few sympathetic responses not one of them has reached out to me since to see how I am! We met up last night for one of their birthdays to have a meal and drinks and this would be the first time I'd actually seen them in person since the split. They all arrived together in a taxi (so again they've arranged this without me as i could also have been picked up en route due to being local) and basically barely acknowledged me during the night. Not one of them asked me how me or dc were or even for an update on my situation. Those 3 were chatting away about their new jobs and also about a holiday they've booked to go October. I felt like an absolute spare part the whole night. When I did tried to contribute to the conversation I basically got one or two word responses and then they would move back onto talking about themselves. I was brave and asked what holiday they were referring to and they admitted they'd booked a girls week away together and didn't invite me as they didn't think I'd be able to afford it. They're right in that I wouldn't be able to afford it currently however they didn't even ask to find that out so it all just feels so sneaky. I came away feeling so sad and deflated as I'm basically losing my lifelong group of friends and it's obvious they just don't care about me anymore and have moved on as a 3 as basically they now have so much more in common with their life positions. Outside of them I don't really have other friends so it really has hit me hard and feels like another rejection and another key relationship lost after I've just been through a traumatic split from my partner. I don't know what I'm really asking for to be honest but I just needed to get this out as I'm wondering if I've done anything wrong in this? As sad as it is do I just need to accept that the friendship is basically now over after all of these years?

Love this advice 💕

No one here knows you, so maybe there is a reason. Maybe you're truly awful - nothing you've said sounds truly awful, but let's go along with it for the sake of this.

If you were friends with someone who was truly awful, would you not just distance yourself and let the friendship die? Most people wouldn't string someone along the way your friends have, even someone truly awful. What's the point?

Likewise, most people wouldn't exclude someone and then deliberately talk about how they've excluded them to their face - even if they were awful. Again, what's the point in that?

It seems to me like they've identified you as 'weak' in some way, and they enjoy putting you down (is there a 'ringleader' between the three of them at all?). This is nasty behaviour, regardless of anything you may have done wrong.

So the only conclusion is that regardless of any feelings they may have about you, they are being horrible. I urge you to mentally draw a line under this friendship - don't cause any drama, be polite and kind (for your own sake, not theirs). But I would just be busy whenever they want to meet, and start tapering off replying until they give up. Just let it die.

I imagine they're quite insecure and unhappy beneath it all. Leave them to it and move on! I've been through something similar, I know how it knocks your confidence. But I've no shortage of friends now - something I can't say for some of the other girls involved

@BubziOwl you're right there is absolutely a ringleader and it's the one whose birthday we went out for last night. The other two are constantly hyping her up and complimenting her. Just thinking about it now it's such a weird situation. You can tell she loves that lead role too as she laps up all of the attention and even hypes herself up.

Oh op that's just awful behaviour from "friends" - real mean girls stuff . Are you friends with them on SM? I would invite some school mums/work colleagues/family out for dinner & drinks and ensure to post on sm for them to see that you really don't need them in your life!!

That's tough OP. I'd feel sad too.

Do they have kids too? If you have less cash maybe that has a lot to do with it.

i think some people think relationship breakups are catching. They don’t want to be ‘tainted’ by association.

It’s mean behaviour. I experienced it & I’m sure lots of others here have too.

Lots of good advice here. Just mute them.

Friends should lift you up, you should come home from meeting them uplifted not put down. They’re not your friends anymore.

You will meet new better friends in time.

You haven’t done anything wrong, other than perhaps put all your friendship eggs in one basket. Friendships change, wane and die all the time, not necessarily because anyone’s done anything wrong, but because people and their priorities and circumstances change. It’s sad when it happens, of course. I’m mourning the end of what was a close friendship, which seems to have died a death since last summer — for me, it was genuine, and I thought we would always know one another. For the other person, it seems to have been purely situational. I wouldn’t say it’s his ‘fault’, exactly. I’m just concentrating on other friendships now. Your real issue here is not having other friends, which means this is harder to deal with. I wouldn’t give these women too much thought. Prioritise yourself and think about whether there are acquaintances you might turn into friends over time.

@SuzySizzle two of them have children but the 'ring leader' doesn't - she wanted them but has a much older husband who already had kids so he didn't want to have any more children. As compensation he pays for everything for her despite her working full time. He's just bought her a brand new Tesla for being a good wife! Now I'm thinking money could be a key issue in why I'm being pushed out actually as they're all much better off financially than me. Last night one of them constantly made digs at me because I'd driven to the restaurant so I wasnt drinking alcohol - I explained that as the restaurant they'd chosen was in the middle of the countryside it would have been too expensive for me to get a taxi by myself (think £40 each way) but at least by driving I would feel nice and fresh in the morning when collecting the dc as I wouldn't have had alcohol. They just sniggered at me and said how boring it must be not to to be able to drink 😒

I hear and feel you on this one OP. It certainly seems they have clumped together and left you drifting.
It's anxiety-inducing and so disappointing.

I don't think you've done anything wrong...by the sound of it, they're bog standard insecure cliquey twats who reinforce themselves by dismantling someone else. It is a distasteful yet common social group dynamic.

Agree with others...if you can see your way through this to self-care and glowing yourself up, you will move on all the wiser and more resilient to this shit.

Mature, well-adjusted people don't tend to behave this way. Remember that. x

What a bunch of frenemies! Real friends should support you, lift you and try to cheer you up when you're going through tough times. These people aren't your friends. It will feel more raw because of your recent breakup - maybe it's made the Wendys realise how fragile their own partnerships are and they worry about "catching"a breakup! 🙄

Look to join some local groups and hobbies so you meet people and fade them out. No need to flounce, just archive the whatsapp. Theyll know why if they have an ounce of self awareness. There are genuine people out there to be friends with who will add to your life and not make you feel bad.

OP, I think you have to ask yourself what you are getting from this friendship. It’s odd that they seem to have sticked together but they still go out with you from times to times. So, I don’t think it’s a case of them not liking you. It’s most likely that they have more in common that’s why they stuck together as three.
it would be a good idea to expand your circle of friends. And it may be the case that your needs have changed and this group of friends, which seems superficial, does not fit anymore.
I wouldn’t bother cutting them out. Would just keep in touch for drinks night out when I have nothing better to do.
Expand your circle through meeting other moms, probably separated, make yourself vulnerable so that you form real relationships and friendships.
It’s a very hard time, I ve been there. I have a specific friend who did exactly the same and didn’t call me after my break up. She is a good person but doesn’t feel comfortable with vulnerability. I made new friendships, deeper and better and I have kept her 1. Because I know she is a good person 2. She is a good conpanion to go to the theatre or cinema ie places you don’t need to discuss much.
Each to their own and we should all learn to place people in the right boxes.
Talking about vulnerability, is there any chance that maybe you don’t open up and your relationships remain on the surface? It could be the case that they have opened up to each other and shared deep feelings/personal stuff and they feel more comfortable the three of them. Just putting it out there as a thought.

I find myself nodding along with those who suggest it's a simple case of common interests and lifestyle. I think @Rania78 's post above is a good take.

I remembered this from your OP though.

"The first time it happened I did say something and kind of got shot down and made to feel like it was just a one off and as I absolutely hate confrontation I've not had the confidence to say anything since."

That makes me think it's not entirely unintentional.

Okay, with that update of them sneering at you because you didn't drink because you were driving.....leave the group. Just detach completely. They're sneering at you. That's not friendship.

I've just muted the WhatsApp chat based on your recommendations. It is actually one of their birthdays today so she has sent gushing messages this morning thanking the other two for their presents (it would seem jewellery by what has been said). Not one mention of thanks for mine (a bottle of gin that I know she loves and her favourite candle). The lack of even a thank you confirms to me that I've done the right thing to mute the chat and try and move forwards from this group.

This is sensible advice.
no drama, just distance yourself. They aren’t your friends, I’d actually say they are bullying you by excluding you.
And often these 3 groups then turn on each other.
it’s tough but you’re better than this and you’ll find nicer people - they are out there.

If this is true, they are knobs.

Tell a lie I've just had a response now but as a direct whatsapp message of 'thank you for my present x'. At least I've been acknowledged x

I think your friends were probably already starting to drift from you for whatever reason, but the relationship break up has been the catalyst to drop you completely because you're not now like them as you're single.
It's a horrible way to treat people who you call a friend, and you're worth more than that. I like the PP suggestion of muting the WhatsApp group etc and just letting them go in a passive way that they can't read anything into.
You'll find your clan and new friends who are in similar situations, and chances are you'll realise that the main thing you had in common with the old friends who ditched you was that you were all at school together.
Appreciate how much it stings though.

They really sound like horrendous bitches. I agree with the previous poster who said just don’t contact them again, don’t go out with them. Just radio silence. I would delete them too if it were me. You don’t need them in your life, they are horrible people.

Very strange that she didn't say thank you to you on the group chat. At least you got a thank you directly but I can't help but think she's trying to big them up for their seemingly more expensive present by putting you down. Why didn't she say thank you so much for all your lovely gifts and for coming out last night bla bla. Then she could have thanked them individually too. Your present is just as thoughtful, if not more. Very callous behaviour, she must have some underlying jealousy towards you, it could be your dcs as she wasn't allowed have any. Whatever it is it's very hurtful and she's obviously not happy deep down.

Yes I think a slow fade is in order. I’m so sorry they’re being unkind to you. Poor you

Sorry to hear this OP. I think previous posters have already given good advice to step back from the friendship and fade out.

I think you are better off without these people in your life. I'm sorry that you are lonely- hopefully when your children are older you can claw back a bit of time for you

Unfortunately this tends to happen when people limit themselves so much with a fixed friendship group they never look outside of. The reality is dynamics change and it's very rare for all within the group to always have the same things in common. People change as they grow, interests evolve and people naturally gravitate more toward others when one becomes less available through life circumstances. Having the same group of lifelong friends is lovely in theory but in practice really limits your social circle and then when dynamics change someone will inevitably feel less included and left out. Obviously girls holidays and nights out was never going to be something you could maintain with children to consider, which makes it far easier for them to do the things you just can't realistically commit to. I think it makes more sense in the long term not to limit your social network to just a few individuals for life.

I agree with the previous posters who have said distance yourself these are mean girls.

If you can really think about what you enjoy doing.... hiking, walking, crafts, pub quizing, history, badminton? Then go find it and enjoy yourself - you will find your tribe once you find your vibe. (I don't care if that is vomit inducing, it is true 😁). I know it's really hard to do with childcare, but you could do with prioritising it, because feeling connected to people and doing what you love doing is so integral to your well being.

I'd message birthday girl back in relation to her private message with something such as 'you're welcome' then leave it at that.

As a pp suggested, mute the chat and don't bother posting again, don't meet up and slowly drift away.

Having young dc as a single parent does cut down your ability to do things for yourself and meet new people, but it's not forever. My dd is a teen and I'm starting to do things for me now, I've done a floristry course and potter and sewing, I've met lots of lovely new ladies and I've made a few friends who I meet up outside of the hobby. One of which is now class as a friend.

These people aren't your friends any longer, look after you and remember you will have opportunities once your dc are a little older to spread your wings.