What went wrong with this friendship?

[Riddlediddle]

Been a group of friends since school. We didn't see each other regularly but across the year we always meet up for birthdays and christmas and have the odd girls night out as we are still all fairly local to each other. Plus have a WhatsApp group where we message just with general chit chat and life updates. For a while now I've been feeling like I'm being pushed out of the group - it's obvious when we do meet the the other 3 friends have been meeting up separately as they talk and laugh about places they've been together and things they've done as a 3 (e.g. shopping trips, coffee meet ups, going around to each other's houses for drinks even shows they've been to together). None of this has been mentioned on the WhatsApp group (which we always use to arrange our meet ups) so they've clearly been arranging things behind my back. The first time it happened I did say something and kind of got shot down and made to feel like it was just a one off and as I absolutely hate confrontation I've not had the confidence to say anything since. What puts the nail in the coffin for me though is that middle of last year I went through a relationship break up. This was massive for me as it was a very long relationship and we have dc together so it has obviously been an extremely difficult time for me. I updated the ladies on the situation via the chat and apart from the initial few sympathetic responses not one of them has reached out to me since to see how I am! We met up last night for one of their birthdays to have a meal and drinks and this would be the first time I'd actually seen them in person since the split. They all arrived together in a taxi (so again they've arranged this without me as i could also have been picked up en route due to being local) and basically barely acknowledged me during the night. Not one of them asked me how me or dc were or even for an update on my situation. Those 3 were chatting away about their new jobs and also about a holiday they've booked to go October. I felt like an absolute spare part the whole night. When I did tried to contribute to the conversation I basically got one or two word responses and then they would move back onto talking about themselves. I was brave and asked what holiday they were referring to and they admitted they'd booked a girls week away together and didn't invite me as they didn't think I'd be able to afford it. They're right in that I wouldn't be able to afford it currently however they didn't even ask to find that out so it all just feels so sneaky. I came away feeling so sad and deflated as I'm basically losing my lifelong group of friends and it's obvious they just don't care about me anymore and have moved on as a 3 as basically they now have so much more in common with their life positions. Outside of them I don't really have other friends so it really has hit me hard and feels like another rejection and another key relationship lost after I've just been through a traumatic split from my partner. I don't know what I'm really asking for to be honest but I just needed to get this out as I'm wondering if I've done anything wrong in this? As sad as it is do I just need to accept that the friendship is basically now over after all of these years?

Do they all have partners?

Speaking from experience, when I split up with my exH, I found that I was pretty much shunned by a group of friends, all of whom had a DH or DP. I almost felt as though they perceived me as some sort of threat now that I was single. Like I would be after a man, and would go after one of theirs next.

The same happened to DM after my dad died. It was as though her friends were keeping her at arm's length because they thought she would be after their husbands. Once the initial bereavement few weeks were over, that was it. They pulled right back. It was only her similarly widowed friends who remained loyal.

@DrJonesIpresume the same happened to me. Husband left after having an affair that I found out about, and my married / partnered up friends pretty much dropped me overnight. Some friends kept up their friendship with him and his new woman though, and that really stung.
I'm sorry that your DM experienced similar after being widowed too. That's really rough and awful of the so-called friends.
You really do find out who your real-deep-down friends are when you have a life-changing experience.

OP- you'll likely never know what's behind this, maybe they are super focused on having "fun" and they therefore dont want to support you as they see it as raining on their parade. It's stupid as life isnt like that and eventually one of them will have a crisis and their "fun" friends will drop them like they did with you.

I know it feels incredibly hurtful but if it were me, I wouldnt challenge it as they clearly dont give a crap, I'd pull right away and focus on making new friends. Friends dont make you feel like this. You might then think but then I wont have friends but really?- having shit friends that make you feel left out is far far worse than having no friends at all. Your future has infinite possibilities, leave these morons behind and focus on all the amazing people you haven't met yet and friends yet to come into your life.

Also check out Mel Robbins' you tube video on the "let them" theory- its spot on.

I really feel sorry for their stupidity and low iq. How insecure and small…

OP, to be honest you should limit contact not due to their behavior but rather due to their unlimited stupidity….Honestly…some people are just sad creatures.

@Riddlediddle just read what they said about you driving/not drinking. Did you say ‘well you could have picked me up en route and then it would have been affordable’. I would leave the group. Be interesting to see if the other two get in touch. If you still want to, you could contact those two individually and ask to go for coffee. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You don’t have to be friends with all, or any of them. I wonder if the other two might be grateful if you get in touch separately. Anyway, as others have said - it’s not you, it’s very hurtful and they don’t sound like real friends. Hope you’re ok!

What arseholes.

Sorry, OP.

Ooh @Riddlediddle I couldn’t let the lack of thanks for the present go … how rude is that? Annoyed on your behalf. I know it’s best to remain dignified but I think I’d have to say something … ‘did you open mine yet’ is about the least blunt I can think of. What an absolute bitch she is! I think you are stronger than all of them. Don’t give them any more headspace.

It's interesting that she messaged you privately. She doesn't want one of the other 2, one of whom must be the Queen Bee, to know !

What a nest of vipers

Seriously, OP, you are so well out of this Coven

Draw that line, mute those messages, go NC with no drama, find your best life and live it

Never forget that no one defines who we are. Only WE do that 🥰😍

You haven't done anything wrong. Some people are very odd about break-ups or bereavement. Some people are useless at supporting others through tough times. It's deeply hurtful right when you already feel vulnerable. But they are not reliable, emotionally mature or kind people, so you deserve better friends. Whenever people behave badly towards you, upgrade your standards. It really is a recipe for long term happiness.

They are utter bitches, vapid and materialistic. You will be so glad you are free of them as you rebuild your life and fill it with people who are kind, aware, appreciative, warm-hearted.

Are there any single parent social groups near you, like Gingerbread or similar, where the activities allow you to come along with your children - picnics in the park or similar?

If you have faith, is there a family friendly church or temple where you can have a bit of time with adults while Dc go to children's groups? Even if you don't, you could try a few local churches (or other faith) at the weekend and see if any are supportive and welcoming. It's definitely part of the role of most churches to be inclusive and supportive of anyone in the local community who needs some love and companionship.

Are there any neighbours you get on with, or mums of other children at your DC's nursery or school who you could invite over to yours for a glass of wine one night? There must be some other single mums in your area. Could you get chatting and take turns to host each other, with DC, for a weekend BBQ or family film and pizza night?

Are there any online hobby or interest groups you could join? I met one of my closest friends online when she was a single mum struggling with no support from her ex. We'd never met in person until she needed someone to check in on her after an operation. We've been close for years now.

I agree with simply quietly muting and leaving the group. And I also agree with the excellent advice to focus your time and energy 1) living as beautifully as you can and 2) finding friends for the next half of your life.

You know the expression “dress for the job you would like to have?” I think the same is true, in general, for life. Think boldly and with joy about the kinds of people you would like to have in your life from now on: birders? Bikers? Cooks? Seashell hunters? Mudlarkers? Chess players? Go out and find your people.

When they all got out of the taxi together I'd have turned around and gone home. These people are not your friends, they don't care about you. You've gone through a break-up and they have even attempted to support you. Dump them. Leave the group chat.
Focus on yourself for a while. Look up some free counselling. Join the MeetUp website and try to meet some new friends.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP.
I went through a similar thing after a very traumatic breakup, I was part of a friendship group for nearly 20 years, and looking back now the support I was offered by one of the girls seemed to only be to get the latest and tell the others, as they’d then repeat things I’d told the one friend.

We arranged a holiday and I was made to feel like absolute crap for anything I organised so I pulled out and they didn’t speak to me for around a year. In that time, I joined Meetup, which is an app where you can meet people to do hobbies or whatever the group was doing.

it was lovely to be with people with the same interests as you, but no deeper friendship IYKWIM.

Anyhow the girls got back in touch but since then it’s very obvious they do not invite me to things, which they then talk about in front of me.

The final straw came when I met them for drinks and at the end of the night one of them said to me ‘you weren’t even f*ing invited, why did you come?’ Before storming out.

I decided there and then that these friendships are no good for me and have not engaged with any of them since (still on the group chat but they clearly have a different one as it’s not used)

once you accept and let go of the friendships, you’ll feel much better. You aren’t missing out on anything as these people don’t offer you anything or even make you feel welcome. I’d cut loose from it and have a think of days out with the kids/explore Meetup for things that may interest. You’ll have so much more self confidence once you break free of this toxic group!

They don't sound like very nice people OP. I would remove myself from the WhatsApp group and stop bothering with them. You don't need people in your life who treat you like this. If you come away from meet ups feeling bad then it's not a real friendship.

I wouldn't mute the group as it'd still be there whenever you open WhatsApp so hard to ignore
I'd just leave without saying a word
Sounds like they probably won't bother contacting you to ask why or that you'd hear from them again anyway .

I’m so sorry this has happened, particularly at a point in your life where some support would have been so welcomed. They sound horrendous and snarky, surely they must have known that the country pub was going to be difficult for you to travel to, never mind the issues of leaving you out.

I’d leave the group, I’m not really good at being passive. We had a similar dynamic in a book club I was part of where it got horribly cliquey and bitchy and culminated in a big fallout during a weekend away. I just left the group chat and haven’t looked back, there’s something empowering about being decisive.

i would though try and branch out, are there any parent groups you could join? Or gym classes?

@Riddlediddle unfortunately you are realising most friends are not actual friends for life. Friends for a season or a reason .... sorry about this

Thank you everyone for your advice I really appreciate it and it has confirmed to me that I need to cut the so-called 'friendship' for my own wellbeing. As some of you have said after meeting with 'friends' you should leave feeling happy and uplifted which I feel the total opposite of, therefore there is no longer any benefit to me of meeting or communicating with them. I have now muted the group and I will slowly drift away - they probably won't even notice to be honest! X

Reading your post has helped me OP.
Just know you are not alone. I currently have had this problem with work 'friends' a group of 3 have been meeting up and I've not been invited, but it was always us beforehand. But they keep mentioning their get togethers. It is so hurtful as I really thought a lot of them. I've realised its their problem not mine. Hopefully my post has helped u too! I am now putting my effort into people that care about me, hope you find some nicer people.

@Wildflower86 sorry to hear this lovely x

You can mute and also archive the group so that it goes into 'archive' folder and then you don't even need to see it
The only thing is I think you can still see a little notification when you open it that there are messages on the groups in archive (which sometimes it's too tempting to then go check it!!)
I agree that if there's lots of posts on the WhatsApp group asking you out again you could just mention you're having a busy time at the moment so won't be putting any more dates in the diary but hope they all have a nice time and then just don't respond from there on
Sorry they've treated you that way it's so unkind and you don't want people like that as friends, in time you'll meet other like minded people

Them sniggering at you for not drinking is worse bc they obviously left you out of their taxi, which you would have probably been able to afford. It’s vindictive and off they aren’t I invite you out so they can belittle you. They obviously have a separate WhatsApp group which they use to arrange their social activities without you, so it’s odd they still use your own to arrange the odd meetup. When you met up with them was it a case of splitting the bill, so your presence was beneficial to them? But then they could have down that with the taxi. It sounds a weird combination of them inviting you out bc you’ve been friends so long so that’s the done thing, but also inviting you out so they can take the piss and belittle you, and make you feel uncomfortable at not being invited to their other gatherings.

I’d leave the WhatsApp group. Muting makes it seem like you’re still desperate to remain friends and don’t want to miss out on their news. That you care. If you leave the group it’s unlikely anyone will reach out to you or demand an explanation. It might also make them reflect on their shitty treatment of you.

@Sceptical123 there was no bill splitting as obviously they were drinking alcohol and I was only having soft drinks. That's what puzzles me most about it all to be honest - why they still invite me to certain things and not others. Surely it would be all or nothing? Ah well I'm moving on now so it will be nothing going forwards and they'll have to get their kicks from something else rather than making me feel like shit!

They sound like the supposedly grown up version of mean girls. It's not you, it's them. I'd never bother with any of them again, they sound like complete cows.
I had the same happen to me after a relationship break up during which I moved to a new home 3 miles away from my old one. I soon found out it might as well have been Siberia as I was dropped very quickly.
Interestingly though, one of my group of former friends contacted me after her relationship broke up, I replied and said I was sorry to hear she was struggling but perhaps she should speak to her friends, as she hadn't spoken to me in 4 years odd and I felt we had nothing in common as a result of that. I got the excuses about she didn't know what to say, kept meaning to text but then forgot etc etc, I just blocked her and moved on.

From the messages I've received on here it does seem that it's common for previous friends to distance themselves after a relationship split almost as if it is contagious! Makes me laugh actually as all 3 of them portray on SM that they have the perfect marriages - a joke really as one of them has cheated multiple times on nights out kissing other men which ive personally witnessed and then ive been gaslighted and its all been denied and one is in an unhealthy toxic controlling marriage where neither trust each other to have their own SM or email address (both slept with a number or each other's friends before they got together!). You're all right - why would I want these people as so called friends!