Losing my friend of 40 years... Don't know how to stop it

[Ohnodontwantthiscrush]

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I am sad and need to get it off my chest.

I have an amazing best friend since we grew up next door to each other decades ago. We both have lots of friends, none in common. We don't live in each other's pockets but she has never not been there for me. I really value her opinion and we always have fun together. She is my favourite person to spend time with after DH. In short, I love her.

A few years ago she upended her life and came to stay in our granny flat.

She moved out and lived alone for a few months then quite by chance met a new man. She didn't introduce us saying she wanted to keep life simple. I respected that.

A year passed and we still hadn't met him. Nobody had. Then I had a seemingly chance encounter. I was paying for something when I realised I had forgotten my wallet. I was flustered while explaining to the cafe owner who told me not to worry as he knew me anyway. In the middle of it the boyfriend appeared and introduced himself. He seemed nice, friendly, personable and insisted on paying for my coffee and pastry even though there was no need.

This is where things got strange. My friend contacted me and 'jokingly' said he was annoyed about how I had 'scammed money' out of him for my breakfast. I was a bit thrown but she did an out of character fakw sounding laugh and said not to worry about it then changed the subject before I could respond. It didn't sit well with me at all.

In the months that followed things got stranger. She never came to my house anymore or invited me to hers. Even if I had to drop something over she would give some long convoluted reason why it made sense for her to meet me someplace else. One time when I came to hers with a gift she claimed she had fallen back to sleep but I saw her bedroom curtains twitching.

We would sometimes have plans to meet out and she'd cancel my calls then say she had gone out for the day with boyfriend. Late cancellations aren't an issue in our friendship, she's always fine with it the other way and not demanding at all.

None of these things bothered me, it was the overall picture forming of things being drastically different between us.

Also I started to see a pattern. She wanted to stay living alone but he convinced her he should move in briefly. Then he wasnr leaving. Then he wanted them to move to the countryside and not see his children. Then his children who she didn't want to be introduced to were living with them in her place half the time.

I decided to deal with it head on so said we would really love to meet him. We arranged a meal out in a nice restaurant. We had booked a babysitter and were looking forward to a night out. She messaged a half hour beforehand to say they wouldn't make it and to have a lovely time. No apology or explanation.

Then came The Prank. I don't want to be totally outing but I'll say this -
We have never played pranks in forty years of friendship
The prank wasn't funny. It was cruel and could potentially have damaged my business.
She used her boyfriend's phone.

My DH came home and found me crying hysterically. He lost his temper, phoned her boyfriend, called him a dick head and told him to come ocer and apologised to me. He didn't pick up. She then messaged me and told me to get my DH under control, it was only a joke.

The next day she came to our house. I explained briefly how I felt. She looked distraught. She said I had it all wrong that she never meant to hurt me and that her boyfriend knows how much I mean to her (I believe this and think this is the problem).

Things settled down but I barely see her. I've also noticed she has cut off other friendships entirely. There is always a "I don't have time for their bullshit. Boyfriend said to me I give too much" or similar.

Sorry this has gone on so long but I feel utterly bereft. I think if I broach the subject again she will avoid me entirely. I have since met him twice for five minutes and I have managed a convincing performance of being friendly.

I feel my friend is gone and also that she's in danger. I suspect she also has no time for my DH after he lost his temper.

*The prank were direct claims from a supposed manager of a competitor (a big player) that I was involved in unethical practices and they would have to report me to the governing body.

I responded furiously and this went on for a few hours. I was very rattled as I had no idea how this happened. It was 100 % untrue.

They kept it going for a few hours before the big reveal. It would have been funny perhaps except in the meantime I'd gone directly to the company and made a giant fuss that they deal with these untrue accusations and threats. I'd gone in person and when I got nowhere I sourced details of the CEO and reported the incident.

I then had to go back and apologise with an explanation they clearly didn't believe and thought I was covering my tracks after a disgruntled ex client came after me*

So they could have gotten you done for libel.

And they succeeded in damaging your rep/image with a major player in your industry, and - if it's like most industries - people in your industry in general.

This is not a prank.

You also keep saying "she did it". She used his phone, and he knew nothing about it. You don't really believe that, do you?

A woman who's never played a "prank" in 40 years, did that to you? And just happened to do it on her partner's phone?

I think he did it. She knows he did it. She's taken responsibility, but most importantly she's stayed with him. In spite of the fact she knows he's happy to try to seriously damage her friends. And has succeeded in doing so, to some extent.

Yes she's in an abusive relationship but .... She's staying in spite of him abusing her friends, in a very significant/major way, too.

She doesn't really deserve it, but I would just stay in minimal contact. Maybe she'll get out eventually (or maybe she won't).

That's a very strange thing to do and really awful.

@Ohnodontwantthiscrush so sorry OP, read all your posts. Sounds like the boyfriend is after her money ultimately. She clearly isn’t able to see what he is, or that he is controlling and he is clearly insanely jealous of all her good friends. Can you contact her other good friends as well as trying to contact her family? I hope you did manage to let her know the boyfriend offered to pay for your coffee/pastry. He sounds awful 🥺

Nope, don't agree.
Unless you're referring to the 'friend' gaslighting the OP with the "gosh am surprised you're so upset. It's just a prank"?
How would the friend be gaslit in this situation? "Oh yeah it's going to be so funny watching your friend be so upset and think her business is destroyed"?

She came around to yours to depict it as a prank, take responsibility, and try to smooth things over because she was scared you or your DH would report it to the police or sue.

It was his account the claims were written under, wasn't it?

She's lying (and would probably lie to the police too) so he doesn't get done for it.

Him and their relationship are what she's protecting. That's her priority.

(She may also have wanted to some extent to try to save your friendship, but mostly she was ensuring he didn't get done for it, and she could stay with him).

It actually should have been reported to the police and he on his record. If he does that sort of thing, who knows what else he's done or would do.

You could tell the police you believe she's taking responsibility to protect him. I'm sure they see that all the time in families and relationships.

It sounds like he is isolating her from friends and the prank and the paying for your cafe bill are all part of trying to make you look bad and trying to cause you to fall out. The best thing you can do is don’t bite and don’t fall out with her. Take a step back but let her know you are there. She may well realise what is going on eventually!

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness I have myself left an abusive relationship, thanks for the assumption I know nothing about it though.

I would be thoroughly ashamed of myself if I'd gone along with hurting a friend like the OP has.

Stop making excuses for appalling behaviour.

Incidentally, did she realise that you were going to the company and making a complaint?

I doubt they'd even have owned up if they hadn't realised they were rumbled by you contacting the company and starting a complaints procedure.

How did you find out the comments were left by someone on his phone? Did your friend volunteer that; perhaps because she was paranoid that would be discovered too if it was reported to the police.

This was exactly what I came to say. It's an abusive controlling isolating relationship. I'd definitely step back but say to her when she's ready to leave, you will help. Then let her get on with it.

The other possibility, op, is that your friend is carrying a lot more resentment of and malice towards you than you ever realised.

Sometimes when you help people, they actually resent you for it. She could have inwardly felt like you were the one who has/had her life together, who didn't have a shit partner, who had accommodation to put her up ..... It can make people feel inferior & resentful. That can make them bite the hand that feeds them.

People often express resentment and criticism of "friends" to intimate partners and she may have done that you him.
He, with his personality type, may then have acted maliciously towards you - to get at you/cause you an "injury" and depicted it as a sign of his loyalty to her and their bond.

He told her or she found out and then she/they started increasingly panicking when you went to the company he "impersonated" and it was going to be found out they weren't involved at all, and (if escalated to the police as a libel/defamation case) it might be discovered whose account/device it was posted on. Then then she took responsibility for it and said she used his phone.

It was rather stupid of him, but then he is the sort to live off a woman etc.

This is possible; I would reiterate that you need to take off the rose tinted glasses re your friend and have a long, hard look at the situation.

She's either choosing to stay in a relationship with an abuser who's abusing her friend too and trying to get you two estranged. Or he's tried to do something malicious to you, possibly motivated by heating her feelings toward you, and it has escalated beyond what he expected (he thought he'd pretend to be someone else and not get rumbled) and she's covered it up.

She then messaged me and told me to get my DH under control, it was only a joke.

Honestly that is so nasty it would make me wonder if some part of her is OK with it.

@BananaLambo has the right advice. With the addition if you DO ever get her on her own, do let her know your granny annex/your help is always available should she need it. If you value her as a friend, then I would do this. One day she'll see the light and need your help.

This complete personality change seems to be due to her partner. She's likely covering for the prank. His idea, and he actioned it, she's trying to limit damage by saying she did it.
The travelling by bus - bet he's annexed her car, keeping her isolated in the countryside.
The cancelling meet ups - bet he's making life difficult for her, and making her cancel (for whatever reason, so she's even further isolated.
The shortage of ££ - I bet he's using HER ££ and saving his own.
That party - I bet she was limited to the hour he was at the gym or something.
I doubt the penny has dropped with her enough yet that she'll leave him, but it doesn't sound a great relationship. However if you can stay on the radar there will be a time she'll need your help.
On the surface he'll be nice as pie, but I bet she doesn't realise yet how much she's walking on egg shells around him.

If you want to get her mum's opinion is there any way you can make yourself more available in her mum's locality? Like decide to use a local shop of some sort or a local cafe regularly - could you actually arrange to meet her mum in a cafe?

The prank were direct claims from a supposed manager of a competitor (a big player) that I was involved in unethical practices and they would have to report me to the governing body.

That is not a prank. That is psychotic.

That’s not a prank and she didn’t do it. It’s sabotage and her partner did it. She covered up for him. It’s because he sees you as competition and wants to damage you in his eyes to make you less ‘worthy’ of friendship and so easier to discard. ‘Why do you want to be friends with Crush? Didn’t she break the law? I don’t like the thought of you hanging around with people who break the law. I worry about your safety if you get dragged into it.’ Next thing you know, you’re ditched.

It backfired this time, OP, but keep your eyes peeled for further aggressions. He has his feet under the table at your friends and it will take a lot to get him to move out.

I would suspect this is a bit more complicated than him randomly going rogue and leaving that review, with zero background; Is there anything at all you've said or done that could have caused her to talk about you to him as doing "unethical" things in your business (even if it's exaggerated or misinterpreted)?
Then he's acted on it/escalated beyond what she expected.

I have a feeling she actually resents you, bitches about you to him, and that that's the background to that incident.

At some point she found out about what he'd done and, if they knew you were going to the company and formally complaining, started to panic that he would eventually be identified as the commenter.

As one poster pointed out, it's hard to put this woman entirely in the victim role; when she had the utter temerity to contact you and demand you get your DH under control.... When he was reacting entirely naturally and normally to what they had done. They were lucky they didn't end up with the police at their door. And I'd like to have seen how they reacted if you and/or your DH had done to them, what they did. I'd like to have seen if it was accepted as a "prank" and a "joke" by them, and the friendship continued.

Anyway, you are sad you're "losing' the friendship and that's being attributed entirely to her partner, but I think it's worth considering that it may be her choice/inclination too. Maybe she associates the friendship with her being "down" in life, sees the partner as a fresh start and wants to reduce.it down to an acquaintance. Likewise you've known her for decades, through everything and maybe you know too much, as it were, and she wants to reinvent herself and doesn't feel she can do that with such long-term, intimate mate. Helping people out, sadly, doesn't always result in them valuing you or being loyal. She may be carrying petty resentments towards you and have a different attitude towards you privately, than you think she does. You sound very green towards her; e.g. believing that was an out of character prank done by her, when there's clearly way more to it than that.

I would also consider that while he fired the gun, in making false allegations against you as part of the 'prank', she almost certainly handed him the ammunition by supplying the required information about your job, regulator, competitors etc.

You’re spot on with your posts.Sometimes there is a lack of integrity involved.

You’ve described perfectly why over the years I had to choose myself and walk away from friends with abusive or even just plain rubbish partners.

I had one (now former) friend who was so wrapped up in protecting her latest boyfriend she never told me (or her family that he stayed overnight ) he was on the sex offenders list before inviting me to stay at their flat. I found out years later when she chose to disclose his record to me,which was only after she found out he was a serial cheat and she was angry with him. Before that her main priority was protecting his image over the safety of her family & friends and projecting the image of a happy couple to others.

That was the last in a series of terrible decisions she made with multiple partners over a period of a decade, but it was the final straw for me. She was the kind of person who would likely stand by if her partner attacked a friend -verbally or physically . And with the kind of men she dated that was an increasingly likely scenario, so I decided it wasn’t safe for me to be friends with her any longer.

I also have a former work colleague/friend who sung her husbands praises until it came out he was a cheat. Then suddenly she told me he was violent to their child when she was a newborn baby. It shocked me she had apparently been willing to overlook it until years later when he cheated on her and had decided to leave. She more or less admitted to me she was so in love with being married (not in love with him) that she had turned a blind eye To the violence against her newborn!

she had turned a blind eye To the violence against her newborn

Fk, that poor child.

Yes, I agree that sadly there are many women who'll put up with any amount of terrible behaviour by a man to themselves and their family (even kids) and friends, as long as he seems committed to get and he's fulfilling the partner role.

I suppose there are some men like this too