Losing my friend of 40 years... Don't know how to stop it

[Ohnodontwantthiscrush]

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I am sad and need to get it off my chest.

I have an amazing best friend since we grew up next door to each other decades ago. We both have lots of friends, none in common. We don't live in each other's pockets but she has never not been there for me. I really value her opinion and we always have fun together. She is my favourite person to spend time with after DH. In short, I love her.

A few years ago she upended her life and came to stay in our granny flat.

She moved out and lived alone for a few months then quite by chance met a new man. She didn't introduce us saying she wanted to keep life simple. I respected that.

A year passed and we still hadn't met him. Nobody had. Then I had a seemingly chance encounter. I was paying for something when I realised I had forgotten my wallet. I was flustered while explaining to the cafe owner who told me not to worry as he knew me anyway. In the middle of it the boyfriend appeared and introduced himself. He seemed nice, friendly, personable and insisted on paying for my coffee and pastry even though there was no need.

This is where things got strange. My friend contacted me and 'jokingly' said he was annoyed about how I had 'scammed money' out of him for my breakfast. I was a bit thrown but she did an out of character fakw sounding laugh and said not to worry about it then changed the subject before I could respond. It didn't sit well with me at all.

In the months that followed things got stranger. She never came to my house anymore or invited me to hers. Even if I had to drop something over she would give some long convoluted reason why it made sense for her to meet me someplace else. One time when I came to hers with a gift she claimed she had fallen back to sleep but I saw her bedroom curtains twitching.

We would sometimes have plans to meet out and she'd cancel my calls then say she had gone out for the day with boyfriend. Late cancellations aren't an issue in our friendship, she's always fine with it the other way and not demanding at all.

None of these things bothered me, it was the overall picture forming of things being drastically different between us.

Also I started to see a pattern. She wanted to stay living alone but he convinced her he should move in briefly. Then he wasnr leaving. Then he wanted them to move to the countryside and not see his children. Then his children who she didn't want to be introduced to were living with them in her place half the time.

I decided to deal with it head on so said we would really love to meet him. We arranged a meal out in a nice restaurant. We had booked a babysitter and were looking forward to a night out. She messaged a half hour beforehand to say they wouldn't make it and to have a lovely time. No apology or explanation.

Then came The Prank. I don't want to be totally outing but I'll say this -
We have never played pranks in forty years of friendship
The prank wasn't funny. It was cruel and could potentially have damaged my business.
She used her boyfriend's phone.

My DH came home and found me crying hysterically. He lost his temper, phoned her boyfriend, called him a dick head and told him to come ocer and apologised to me. He didn't pick up. She then messaged me and told me to get my DH under control, it was only a joke.

The next day she came to our house. I explained briefly how I felt. She looked distraught. She said I had it all wrong that she never meant to hurt me and that her boyfriend knows how much I mean to her (I believe this and think this is the problem).

Things settled down but I barely see her. I've also noticed she has cut off other friendships entirely. There is always a "I don't have time for their bullshit. Boyfriend said to me I give too much" or similar.

Sorry this has gone on so long but I feel utterly bereft. I think if I broach the subject again she will avoid me entirely. I have since met him twice for five minutes and I have managed a convincing performance of being friendly.

I feel my friend is gone and also that she's in danger. I suspect she also has no time for my DH after he lost his temper.

There is a book entitled ‘Helping Her Break Free’ which is for people who know a woman who’s in an abusive relationship. It has a lot of information about how to support her. Although it’s counterintuitive, she will be safer if you try to be civil to her partner if you do encounter him. Otherwise, as a PP mentioned, try to maintain a line of communication so she knows you’re there for her if/when she needs you.

I would keep in touch in any way you can.

Let her know you're always there but don't put pressure on her and don't criticise the boyfriend.

She will likely need you at some point as your instincts seem spot on,

But even if so, that doesn't give her a free pass to be an arse to you. Do you think she did it to get on the good side of the dp and she's happily let you be collateral for it.

It seems she's in a controlling relationship, he sounds deeply controlling. I'd be very worried about her, but there's not much you can do in the meantime. Maybe he manipulated her into playing the prank?
I'd keep checking in with her, so that if it all falls apart you can still be there for her, if you want to be.

The prank is a while ago, I forgave her immediately. I'm not angry, I'm worried about her. It's not remotely like her to get a 'joke' so wrong.

There are more things too. DH and I had an event. She came alone, arrived late and only stayed an hour. I bumped into her in the bathroom and we had a nice chat but I noticed she looked worried. She said she would see me upstairs in a minute so I went back to the guests. I was distracted and the next day I was racking my brain as to what was odd about the toilet meeting. It suddenly came to me then that she had her coat on and was clearly sneaking off but didn't tell me. Sure enough she messaged me from the street to say she'd left. I responded the next day and asked why she left and she said sorry, I didn't really know anyone. There were guests there she knew better than I knew them. Lots of my friends who she's not friends with but knows to spend time with at birthdays etc in the same way I would with her friends at her parties. She knows my family very well. Plus she used to be the most confident person I knew, I usually refer to her as a people magnet.

She's different now in so many ways.

I worry she's not thinking straight.

Sorry you're going through this, op, especially with such a long-standing friend.m

I've had similar experiences with very close friends and your options are:

• lay it out that you're worried they are being abused and rune the very real risk getting ditched (which is what my closest friend did to me)

• sit it out and don't get involved, but equally be there for them and listen just let them know you don't condone poor behaviour (this is the path I took with the last close friend who went through this - incidentally she then threw herself headlong into a new relationship after splitting with the abuser and didn't have time for me after that, including when I separated from my husband of 20 years)

• call her out on her shit behaviour and be dumped instantly

Honestly, op, as much as I understand the cycle of abuse and have sympathy for people in controlling relationships I just wouldn't be on board with her treating me the way she's treated you.

It's not ok.

She might be being abused but that doesn't make it ok for her to abuse your friendship.

Hope shes ok Op but you do need to put yourself first and not let the abuse be directed at you.

Pull back but do the following:

Regular (every few weeks/month) bright and breezy ‘gossipy - newsy’ messages.

Suggest meeting up but keep it loose and low effort/commitment - ‘we must grab a coffee and a catch up at [insert local coffee shop]. Let me know when you’re free’.

Speak well of her partner in messages. He’s likely reading them and will be less antagonistic if he thinks you like him. If she tells you he made dinner comment that she’s lucky she has a great cook as a boyfriend’. He probably sees you as a threat/competition so by minimizing that you are more likely to ‘get access’ to her.

Keep contact regardless, even if you aren’t getting what you had from the friendship, remember than fundamentally you love each other and want the best for each other, and even if it’s not working at the moment, you need to play the long game and always be there for her. I went through similar and my best friends just kept inviting me, even though I went to almost nothing for 7-8 years and they knew I’d say no, they still kept inviting me. I did come back but I couldn’t have if they’d stopped caring. Now I’m back to normal and in the thick of the friendship group again.

There may come a point where she needs you. Make sure you don’t close any doors that prevent her reaching out.

This is great advice. I’m so sorry for you op, it really does sound like he’s an abuser.

Don’t give up on her, she’s going to need you.

Op sadly she is not acting like your best friend atm. Its time to take care of yourself and take two or three steps back. Christmas card, texts on birthdays but I would let her do the running in terms of meeting up. He sounds like a fruitloop and she is being influenced by him. Which would make me question her character tbh.

I lost my BF to a new relationship. She had moved away and met him, but we had lived a big distance apart for decades and kept the relationship.
Some of her behaviour has been awful, but now realise it has come from him. I still am friends with her on Facebook and honestly she is unrecognisable as the person she once was. I suspect he didn’t want us to be friends (I’ve never met him).

It’s funny as he loathes her ex husband for splitting up with her, but they were both unhappy. And now she has instead moved onto someone controlling and I imagine can’t escape (or even think she should).

It does sound like she is in an abusive/controlling relationship 😢 I don't think you should confront her about it as she'd probably cut you off altogether. Try and keep the lines of communication open with her, meet up with her when she can and just be there for her. Hopefully there will come a time when she confides in you and asks for your help. I'm so sorry, it must be very difficult 😔

I lost a best friend to a relationship too, her bf didn’t like me even though he hadn’t met me. He didn’t like her other best friend too. He said I called her too much but what he didn’t know is she used to text me and ask me to call her. I just stopped running after her and things just petered out. Im
sure he’s glad about that.

Unfortunately a few years later I heard from another friend she’s miserable now and is only with her partner for the kids. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I wish her all the best but unfortunately her partner created a wedge between us and so much time has passed so for me there’s no going back.

I have another close friend who I suspect is with a controlling partner. I’ve played things a bit more cool there, so I think he’s OK with me so hasn’t stopped her communicating with me altogether, but I never see my friend in person anymore. She knows where I am if I need her though and we do sometimes have good phone catch ups.

I agree with the pp who said take a step back and protect yourself. I think your husband did the right thing in defending you! It’s very weird and awful basically for her partner who barely knows you to behave like that. I can’t imagine how he is to your friend.

Rock up at her home unannounced with some sort of tearful emergency that requires her mother's details.

Be brief, don't engage too much, appear very grateful and remind her if she's ever in a similar situation you would be only too happy to return the favour.

Why? People loathe being indebted to people. If they know that you owe them a favour and you need an opportunity to 'save' them back, they're more likely to do this.

You will have her mum's number then and can find ways together to be her safety net when this abuser leaves.

Abusive relationship are very dangerous. She cannot just leave because she could put her safety in jeopardy and he could be threatening to harm love ones. She may know when she's safe.

You will also get a feel of whether her home is like it should. If she's employed this likely to be another angle he will attempt to humiliate, divide and conquer causing more isolation.

Something you can do is go to the police with your concerns and they can check his background. If he has a history of abuse they won’t tell you, but if they think it appropriate they will tell her.

Given the extreme change in her this is what I would do. He might have no history and therefore it doesn’t help - but at least you can try?

Why won't you actually say what this 'prank' was? Surely it wasn't that bad that your DH returned home and found you a blubbering wreck?

Op I agree with pps that it sounds like this relationship she's in is toxic and possibly dangerous. The problem is that she may not be ready to recognise that herself yet...

All you can do is persevere, remind her any chance you get that you're there for her no matter what and that you really appreciate her friendship and that you're glad you've the type of friendship where you know that you'd each have each others backs no matter what even if you had a falling out. Just whatever way you can make it clear that you're there even if things drift and things get ugly with him.

I would tell her that you've noticed a change in her since dating the new guy and I'd ask her directly does she feel safe with him. If she says yes then I'd tell her you're glad to hear it and you're only asking because you love her.
Then it really is down to keeping a line of communication open as best you can and hoping that at some point she'll realise that things aren't healthy. Unfortunately you can't save her from this unless she is ready and wants your help. It's very hard to watch op so you have my sympathies...

Do you know her mother well enough to have a quiet word about your concerns?

This sounds really worrying. Keep the lines of communication open and I agree that asking the police to do a background check on him is a good idea. They can flag it to her if there are issues, which I suspect there probably are.

Be breezy. It will be incredibly hard because you will just want to confront her and find out what's going on because you're worried.

But trust me, she won't tell you until she's ready and if you're anything but breezy she will cut you out - you need to still be in her life in any capacity. Hes 10000% abusive.

I don't think it's the boyfriend at all.

I think she has developed some mental health problems, possibly has an addiction or a genetic condition which is making her so highly strung.

I actually think this is terrible advice, friendship wise. Why should anyone put up with 'getting nothing back, friendship wise' for 7-8 years?

Honestly, OP, don't allow yourself to be insignificant wallpaper in the drama this woman has chosen.

Is she her normal self when you do see her? Do you think she is mentally I'll?

I think her BF is probably abusive .She is under his thumb by the sounds of it. I think to maybe send her birthday cards and Xmas .Possibly a postcard if you go abroad . That way she will know you are onside if she needs you.Your DH is right ,who in earth plays a "prank" that could damage someones business ? Her BF is a bloody dickhead!