Losing my friend of 40 years... Don't know how to stop it

[Ohnodontwantthiscrush]

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I am sad and need to get it off my chest.

I have an amazing best friend since we grew up next door to each other decades ago. We both have lots of friends, none in common. We don't live in each other's pockets but she has never not been there for me. I really value her opinion and we always have fun together. She is my favourite person to spend time with after DH. In short, I love her.

A few years ago she upended her life and came to stay in our granny flat.

She moved out and lived alone for a few months then quite by chance met a new man. She didn't introduce us saying she wanted to keep life simple. I respected that.

A year passed and we still hadn't met him. Nobody had. Then I had a seemingly chance encounter. I was paying for something when I realised I had forgotten my wallet. I was flustered while explaining to the cafe owner who told me not to worry as he knew me anyway. In the middle of it the boyfriend appeared and introduced himself. He seemed nice, friendly, personable and insisted on paying for my coffee and pastry even though there was no need.

This is where things got strange. My friend contacted me and 'jokingly' said he was annoyed about how I had 'scammed money' out of him for my breakfast. I was a bit thrown but she did an out of character fakw sounding laugh and said not to worry about it then changed the subject before I could respond. It didn't sit well with me at all.

In the months that followed things got stranger. She never came to my house anymore or invited me to hers. Even if I had to drop something over she would give some long convoluted reason why it made sense for her to meet me someplace else. One time when I came to hers with a gift she claimed she had fallen back to sleep but I saw her bedroom curtains twitching.

We would sometimes have plans to meet out and she'd cancel my calls then say she had gone out for the day with boyfriend. Late cancellations aren't an issue in our friendship, she's always fine with it the other way and not demanding at all.

None of these things bothered me, it was the overall picture forming of things being drastically different between us.

Also I started to see a pattern. She wanted to stay living alone but he convinced her he should move in briefly. Then he wasnr leaving. Then he wanted them to move to the countryside and not see his children. Then his children who she didn't want to be introduced to were living with them in her place half the time.

I decided to deal with it head on so said we would really love to meet him. We arranged a meal out in a nice restaurant. We had booked a babysitter and were looking forward to a night out. She messaged a half hour beforehand to say they wouldn't make it and to have a lovely time. No apology or explanation.

Then came The Prank. I don't want to be totally outing but I'll say this -
We have never played pranks in forty years of friendship
The prank wasn't funny. It was cruel and could potentially have damaged my business.
She used her boyfriend's phone.

My DH came home and found me crying hysterically. He lost his temper, phoned her boyfriend, called him a dick head and told him to come ocer and apologised to me. He didn't pick up. She then messaged me and told me to get my DH under control, it was only a joke.

The next day she came to our house. I explained briefly how I felt. She looked distraught. She said I had it all wrong that she never meant to hurt me and that her boyfriend knows how much I mean to her (I believe this and think this is the problem).

Things settled down but I barely see her. I've also noticed she has cut off other friendships entirely. There is always a "I don't have time for their bullshit. Boyfriend said to me I give too much" or similar.

Sorry this has gone on so long but I feel utterly bereft. I think if I broach the subject again she will avoid me entirely. I have since met him twice for five minutes and I have managed a convincing performance of being friendly.

I feel my friend is gone and also that she's in danger. I suspect she also has no time for my DH after he lost his temper.

@Ohnodontwantthiscrush Is she abusing drugs with him?
Sadly I had a friend that wasn't dissimilar...she changed completely when she got back with her abusing addict ex boyfriend, and he introduced her to drugs which really changed her.

You're going to have to do the opposite to what your first reaction would normally be which is to move towards her and that is to move away. Send her a note, let her know how you feel and invite her to talk - but let her know it can't be cancelled as there won't be another time.

Your friend is being abused. Not remaining in good contact with old friends is a common symptom. The fact that she is using the bus sounds like she is suffering financial abuse too .

She needs to contact Women's Aid.

And a cocklodger hence her housing his kids as well as him and now her being worried about money. There's so many red flags here. There's really nothing you can do OP, beyond trying to hang on to the altered friendship in the background until she hopefully is able to realise what's going on and then be there when she needs support to LTB.

Women’s aid. Freedom programme

So you think women chose to be abused? You're delightful. It's very valid to say to OP that it's important to set boundaries and to consider herself and that she may want or need to end this friendship because of its effect on her and that is always ok to do, but don't sit there and say her friend has chose this when its very likely she is in an abusive relationship.

I’m so sorry for you and your friend. I hope she manages to extricate herself from this relationship.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness if it is negatively affecting the op, which is sounds as though it is, there is nothing wrong with the op taking a step back. The prank either sounded like an attempt to damage the ops business- eg bad review - or they were laughing at the op at her expense, neither of which sound great. I do think we have to move away from friendships that sap and drain us over a period of time. If the op has the strength, she can text at Christmas and on birthdays, but her friend sounds so wrapped up in her relationship that there isn't much room for the op, from reading this thread. It's as though the op is being given the responsibility of saving someone who isn't behaving like a friend and hasn't for some time. Is that fair on the op? So I sort of agree really with the wallpaper comment made up the thread.

I have no problem with the stepping back advice as I said, OP deserves better frankly. Nasty behaviour that comes as the result of an abusive relationship isn't ok or less hurtful.
OP is absolutely a victim of this relationship and her friends behaviour has been nasty and it would probably be best for her to walk away and she probably should. Saying someone chose to be in what is probably an abusive relationship though is never ok and the only thing I had an issue with.

Comment about you bumping into her with her coat on, he either forbade her from attending or she knew he'd be in a rotten mood if she went. She went so you'd see her but hoped you wouldn't notice she left at say 21.30. I pulled this manoeuvre many times.

While I agree with the poster who says you're getting nothing back from the friendship right now, it's not always reciprocally transactional between two life long friends. I look back on the difference between how different friends treated me when I was with abusive x..

Some thought they were helping me , but it wasn't what I needed.

Just step back,her relationship sounds odd and there could be a controlling side to it.She could drag you down with her though and you might need to be the one who she's able to rely on when it all crumbles.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness agreed of course. However I think this is one of those oxygen on a plane moments, where the op needs to look after herself first.

You could do a Clare's law application about him and that would flag up anything in his past, which the police would decide how best to handle

Speak well of her partner in messages. He’s likely reading them and will be less antagonistic if he thinks you like him. If she tells you he made dinner comment that she’s lucky she has a great cook as a boyfriend’. He probably sees you as a threat/competition so by minimizing that you are more likely to ‘get access’ to her.

Not this.

If she's gone from confident to a shadow/shell of her former self, he's gaslighting her and he's undermining her on top of that. Having him able to say "Even your friend says you're lucky to be with me" will reinforce whatever his messaging is, because he's already removed her confidence/internal voice and replaced it with his critical voice.

Do the breezy stuff, but in person, tell her you love her, tell her she's so smart, she's always been intelligent/kind/good at making decisions etc. Basically everything she WAS, tell her she IS. And do it is a loving way, not even a whiff of criticism. That will counter everything he says.

So, not "You used to be so good at making decisions and I'm worried because now I see it's harder for you."

But ask her advice about something and add "I need you advice because you're always so good at knowing what to do." As an example. You only need to do it once per time you see her. She will be uncomfortable, unsure, whether she reacts that way or not. It'll knock something in her brain off balance. She'll remember a feeling from the past. It'll likely be uncomfortable, but it also won't. And you just build these up.

And if she says, "Boyfriend says I'm not good at X." Then act breezily surprised and laugh and say, "What?! Of course you are! You've always been good at X." Don't criticise him.

He did not arrive in her life, move in with his kids, take her money and take control of her life on Day 1. It was gradual. She didn't realise what was happening. You need to do the reverse. At least to start with. Injections of love and who she really is.

Also, IF, and only if you'd be willing to have her move into your granny annexe again, reminisce about how lovely it was to have her nearby. That even though you didn't see each other daily, it was much a nice time of your life being close to her. Drop a light, breezy comment about the place being there for her if she ever wants it - but do that later on.

As for The Prank. I think your attitude is spot on. And I think you are a very valuable friend - as you suggest, that's why you were the target. She probably did to it, because it was a way of him setting dominance. The primary goal wasn't to hurt you. It was for him to get her to hurt you. I would be shocked if he didn't then blame her for being a bad friend or the like afterwards. The manipulative knife isn't there to be a threat, it's not to stab, it's to be twisted multiple times while she's stabbed.

What was the prank? Did she pretend to be dead/in hospital? Or did she pretend to be an angry customer? Etc. It really depends on the level of the prank. All the things you've listed, makes me want to check.out of that friendship. I'd leave her alone for now, she'll come back when they're over with.

What gestrapod said.

Send her these and a link to the woman’s aid website. Tell her you feel like you’ve lost a much valued friendship since this man came in to her life and you’re worried about and want her to know if she ever needs you you’ll be there for her. Then try to send a text every few weeks saying thinking of you.
Also, if you do know any of her other friends or family can you subtly raise concerns with them (on the understanding they don’t tell her). The more people looking out for her the better.

I read it twice but I don't really understand your post.

What was the prank and how do you know who was sending what?

How did the boyfriend know who you were in the cafe when you'd never met before?

I was going to the same, please get contact with her. It sounds like an abusive relationship. She'll need you at some point- be there, please.

There are some good websites that give information on supporting people/loved one that are being abused. If I remember: Rise was good.

Reach out to her regularly, with I a hi how are you etc. Accept that sometimes meet ups will be cancelled. Try not to get annoyed and be the friendly contact she has.

“Do the breezy stuff, but in person, tell her you love her, tell her she's so smart, she's always been intelligent/kind/good at making decisions etc. Basically everything she WAS, tell her she IS. And do it is a loving way, not even a whiff of criticism. That will counter everything he says.

So, not "You used to be so good at making decisions and I'm worried because now I see it's harder for you."

But ask her advice about something and add "I need you advice because you're always so good at knowing what to do." As an example. You only need to do it once per time you see her. She will be uncomfortable, unsure, whether she reacts that way or not. It'll knock something in her brain off balance. She'll remember a feeling from the past. It'll likely be uncomfortable, but it also won't. And you just build these up.

And if she says, "Boyfriend says I'm not good at X." Then act breezily surprised and laugh and say, "What?! Of course you are! You've always been good at X." Don't criticise him.

He did not arrive in her life, move in with his kids, take her money and take control of her life on Day 1. It was gradual. She didn't realise what was happening. You need to do the reverse. At least to start with. Injections of love and who she really is.

Also, IF, and only if you'd be willing to have her move into your granny annexe again, reminisce about how lovely it was to have her nearby. That even though you didn't see each other daily, it was much a nice time of your life being close to her. Drop a light, breezy comment about the place being there for her if she ever wants it - but do that later on.

As for The Prank. I think your attitude is spot on. And I think you are a very valuable friend - as you suggest, that's why you were the target. She probably did to it, because it was a way of him setting dominance. The primary goal wasn't to hurt you. It was for him to get her to hurt you. I would be shocked if he didn't then blame her for being a bad friend or the like afterwards. The manipulative knife isn't there to be a threat, it's not to stab, it's to be twisted multiple times while she's stabbed.”

Excellent advice from @gestroopd

No, I don't think she's chosen to be abused - I said she's chosen drama. If I'd meant she'd chosen to be abused I would have said so.

But if she's elected to 'prank' her friend unkindly she's chosen drama. Absolving victims of any responsibility for their actions doesn't help them, it just enables the abuse.

The prank were direct claims from a supposed manager of a competitor (a big player) that I was involved in unethical practices and they would have to report me to the governing body.

I responded furiously and this went on for a few hours. I was very rattled as I had no idea how this happened. It was 100 % untrue.

They kept it going for a few hours before the big reveal. It would have been funny perhaps except in the meantime I'd gone directly to the company and made a giant fuss that they deal with these untrue accusations and threats. I'd gone in person and when I got nowhere I sourced details of the CEO and reported the incident.

I then had to go back and apologise with an explanation they clearly didn't believe and thought I was covering my tracks after a disgruntled ex client came after me. I have no doubt they got a lot of mileage out of the story and fed the gossip machine.

I was humiliated, exhausted, had wasted a day's work. I was shocked my friend had thought this was a good idea. She had no idea I would react how I did but this in itself surprises me - I was always going to protect the reputation of my business.

I know lots of friendship groups do prank each other and this would have been fine. It doesn't go on in any of mine however, hence why it didn't occur to me that it was a joke. It could have been funny except it fell flat.

Sorry for the dripfeed. Her 'reason' for the prank was also unlike her. She said she was 'getting revenge' for me hiring a person she doesn't like. I knew she didn't especially like the person but nothing had taken place between them and they are good at their job. All of it is so far removed from the woman I've known since we are little children.

I told her the next day I didn't like any of it, that she was not acting in character. She looked really thoughtful and in hindsight, she did start meeting me more often and calling again after that. We never meet at hers or mine though and it's always brief.