Losing my friend of 40 years... Don't know how to stop it

[Ohnodontwantthiscrush]

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I am sad and need to get it off my chest.

I have an amazing best friend since we grew up next door to each other decades ago. We both have lots of friends, none in common. We don't live in each other's pockets but she has never not been there for me. I really value her opinion and we always have fun together. She is my favourite person to spend time with after DH. In short, I love her.

A few years ago she upended her life and came to stay in our granny flat.

She moved out and lived alone for a few months then quite by chance met a new man. She didn't introduce us saying she wanted to keep life simple. I respected that.

A year passed and we still hadn't met him. Nobody had. Then I had a seemingly chance encounter. I was paying for something when I realised I had forgotten my wallet. I was flustered while explaining to the cafe owner who told me not to worry as he knew me anyway. In the middle of it the boyfriend appeared and introduced himself. He seemed nice, friendly, personable and insisted on paying for my coffee and pastry even though there was no need.

This is where things got strange. My friend contacted me and 'jokingly' said he was annoyed about how I had 'scammed money' out of him for my breakfast. I was a bit thrown but she did an out of character fakw sounding laugh and said not to worry about it then changed the subject before I could respond. It didn't sit well with me at all.

In the months that followed things got stranger. She never came to my house anymore or invited me to hers. Even if I had to drop something over she would give some long convoluted reason why it made sense for her to meet me someplace else. One time when I came to hers with a gift she claimed she had fallen back to sleep but I saw her bedroom curtains twitching.

We would sometimes have plans to meet out and she'd cancel my calls then say she had gone out for the day with boyfriend. Late cancellations aren't an issue in our friendship, she's always fine with it the other way and not demanding at all.

None of these things bothered me, it was the overall picture forming of things being drastically different between us.

Also I started to see a pattern. She wanted to stay living alone but he convinced her he should move in briefly. Then he wasnr leaving. Then he wanted them to move to the countryside and not see his children. Then his children who she didn't want to be introduced to were living with them in her place half the time.

I decided to deal with it head on so said we would really love to meet him. We arranged a meal out in a nice restaurant. We had booked a babysitter and were looking forward to a night out. She messaged a half hour beforehand to say they wouldn't make it and to have a lovely time. No apology or explanation.

Then came The Prank. I don't want to be totally outing but I'll say this -
We have never played pranks in forty years of friendship
The prank wasn't funny. It was cruel and could potentially have damaged my business.
She used her boyfriend's phone.

My DH came home and found me crying hysterically. He lost his temper, phoned her boyfriend, called him a dick head and told him to come ocer and apologised to me. He didn't pick up. She then messaged me and told me to get my DH under control, it was only a joke.

The next day she came to our house. I explained briefly how I felt. She looked distraught. She said I had it all wrong that she never meant to hurt me and that her boyfriend knows how much I mean to her (I believe this and think this is the problem).

Things settled down but I barely see her. I've also noticed she has cut off other friendships entirely. There is always a "I don't have time for their bullshit. Boyfriend said to me I give too much" or similar.

Sorry this has gone on so long but I feel utterly bereft. I think if I broach the subject again she will avoid me entirely. I have since met him twice for five minutes and I have managed a convincing performance of being friendly.

I feel my friend is gone and also that she's in danger. I suspect she also has no time for my DH after he lost his temper.

That's not a fucking prank.

In fact they're gas lighting you, and you're letting them/gas lighting yourself that it was a "prank".

Many people (most?) would have ended the friendship when they did that, regardless of who actually thought of it or did it, out of the two of them.

Step back. Maybe message her and keep in touch. Be open to meeting up and let her know you are there for her but don't rely on her or push it. Currently she is possibly in a shitty relationship. You can't change that. She needs to see it and ask for help.

That is absolutely unacceptable and her being abused does not excuse that level of abuse of you in any way, shape or form. I'm so sorry.

She probably did to it, because it was a way of him setting dominance

Possibly but I'd be inclined to think he did it, then she took the blame ("oh I took his phone and did it" sounds unlikely. Because it's out of character, and why wouldn't she use her phone?
Do she was pranking you and pranking him by doing it as him????? Unlikely.

I would keep in touch, very casually/minimally - tbh it's more than she deserves.

You can't extract her from the relationship.

And whether she's abusing you or not, she's treated you quite appallingly since she's been in it.

If you had "pranked" one of them in that way, you'd have ended up in a police station and/or in court.

I guarantee you.

I agree with the advice that you should regularly keep in touch with her with breezy texts which are written on the basis that he will be reading them.

She's lived with you before, so presumably if things were to reach breaking point, if she thought you still cared about her, she could stay with you immediately. I would be very careful, therefore, to keep up the friendship (such as it is now) so she still has you as an escape boat in the back of her mind. I suspect that's one of the reasons her boyfriend wants to separate you so much. You're not just a friend who would talk a good talk - if she told you what was going on, you would actually rescue her and show compassion and not hold it over her.

Try to meet up with her as much as you can. If she bails on you 9 times out of 10 but you get 30 minutes in a cafe every few months, that's something. Being able to see her in person is important because that's the only communication you know isn't being filtered and manipulated by her boyfriend. Keep trying.

And look after yourself. It's hard being a friend to someone who is being abused. A different kind of hard, sure, but you also need support for what you're going through.

Just let her know you will always be there for her. Tell her once that you are worried about her and that you are concerned about her, then just be there.

You sound like a kind and sincere person, and a good friend.

She may have been worthy of such friendship (which not many people offer) in the past, but she is not now and has actually become a liability.

If there is one smidgeon of poor behaviour from them again, I would be reporting them for harassment, libel, whatever is applicable.

I would have the absolute minimum of contact with her now, in case she ever decides to get out.

That's not a prank, that's fucking horrific. And for her to go along and take part in it? Thats appalling. Even if it is 'oh she's being gaslit/abused' how can she observe such a shitty thing and still think he's a good guy?
I'd be done with her.

She's lived with you before, so presumably if things were to reach breaking point, if she thought you still cared about her, she could stay with you immediately

Actually, thinking about this ..if she is in abusive relationship (likely) and he is seeking to isolate her (likely); you are the biggest threat to him, because he probably knows you accommodated her when she left a relationship before. You have the means, you are willing to do it, and you are her longest (?) friend. So you are the most likely person to help her/that she runs to.

You, therefore, needed put out of the picture; so perhaps the "prank" was an attempt to get you to break off the friendship and never speak to her again. Which it absolutely would achieve with many people.
You have just been way nicer and softer and more persevering than most people would be. If it was anyone else, that "prank" would have succeeded in ending your association.

I don't think it's a coincidence that your friend is in an apparently abusive relationship and has done something out of character that would end most friendships. And she happened to do it on her partner's phone.

It wasn't prank. He probably did it maliciously, she tried to cover it up as a prank because she couldn't undo it.

I would do a Claire's law. I would stay in contact minimally; but when someone is abusing you/colluding in abusing you because they are in an abusive relationship; you have to protect yourself and you can't save them.

My god. What an insane prank. Undoubtedly comes from him. How absolutely awful. I agree with the breezy coffee every so often, but she may never leave him. Very sad.

This is really good advice

If you’ve known her since childhood are your mum’s still in touch at all? Or can you contact her siblings?

Thanks for all the replies. If anymore come I'm going to read them all but try not to respond. Writing all these things about her has made me feel a bit grubby.

I'll conclude with the following:

I'm not in the UK but will see if there is an equivalent to Clare's Law here. Unbelievably I don't even know this man's surname but will find it.
I'm not going to walk away from this friendship simply because all the good things she has done for me far far far outweigh any of this. She seriously has been an amazing friend to me throughout my life.
However I'm not a martyr. I've naturally but unconsciously done what many PPs suggested - I've stepped away a huge amount. I don't think this is a big deal. Over the decades we have varying levels of contact depending on our separate circumstances.
I am going to try to engineer a meeting with her mum to see if she seems concerned.
She apologised so sincerely for hurting me. I think she was so shocked to see me crying. The first day she was defensive but then it all calmed down and i know both of us would have done anything to undo it.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

She sounds like a sociopath - the not introducing the partner to keep her life simple is also a big red flag. After that prank thing I’d have nothing to do with her. Not funny and actually outright cruel.

I think it's next to impossible to maintain any kind of friendship with someone who chooses to stay in an abusive relationship, for many different reasons. There's literally nothing you can do other than emotionally detach and protect yourself. Harsh but sadly true.

I'm going to be flamed for this but ..

Ateotd, she may be in an abusive relationship, but there is also her integrity to consider.

My sister allowed me to be abused by her ex h - who was an all round abuser - because it suited her to stay. She accepted him doing that as one of the prices of staying in the marriage. She cared about her finances, being married, having her son in an apparent traditional family set up etc etc more than she cared about being abused herself ..and about her relatives bring abused by him. (He also extracted a sizeable loan out of my Mum on false pretences during the marriage).

She lacks integrity in other areas/generally as well.

So she was an abuse victim, but her priorities and her integrity was - as it has always been - lacking, as well. She is disordered as well

The two are not mutually exclusive.

There are many posters on her, for example, who were abused directly by their Mums who were themselves in abusive relationships .... Or at the very least the Mums let abuse happen to them.

My sister gave a half apology after the marriage broke down, but her behaviour has stayed consistent in other ways and our relationship has never recovered.

So, your "friend" has seen you, her oldest friend and one who has helped her out to a great degree; be abused, for lack of a better word, by her partner, yet she's put her desire for a relationship with him above that. Some people will do away with any responsibility at all on her part for that. I see abusive relationships as more complicated - and would not remove all responsibility from her for that.

She apologised so sincerely for hurting me.

I suspect he did it.

But either way, that's not really "hurting" you.

What they did is probably a criminal offence against you. It's got to be libel against you/your business, right?

I think you're underplaying it, because you're too nice and blinkered by your friendship. You're gas lighting yourself about it and seeing it as some kind of personal, emotional, hurt feelings thing. They/he tried to destroy your fucking business, reputation and livelihood. They have succeeded in making you look bad/incompetent in front of the large company you mentioned.

That's not "hurting" you, that's much bigger.

Honestly, OP, don't allow yourself to be insignificant wallpaper in the drama this woman has chosen.
You didn't specifically refer to the drama of that event, you said the drama she's chosen. The whole thing, the drama is the abusive relationship. Obviously we're interpreting this differently and Im sorry Ive misunderstood your words. The prank is disgusting and she's is absolutely responsible for the harm she's caused, which isn't the same as saying she chose this or she chose the drama. It would be nice not to have enough experience of abuse to understand how someone could end up doing something horrible and completely unlike them.

The prank is disgusting

Let's stop calling it a prank.

It wasn't a prank.

It was a major, probably criminal, 'attack" on the op's business, reputation and livelihood, and it was probably intended to end all friendship between this woman and the op.

The "friend" has played it off as a prank. That's gas lighting.

She can gas light herself but MN doesn't have to go along with it.

It would be more helpful for the op to acknowledge what her "friend" did, or at the very least; what she has stayed with this man, in spite of.

He's tried to damage her business and reputation, out of malice (and to get rid of the op from this woman's life), has succeeded to some extent; and this "friend" has gas lit the op about it and stayed with him.

Abusive relationships are complicated and it does no-one any favours, unpleasant as it may be, to not acknowledge that some women partly stay in them because they are getting something they want from them; and are prepared to sacrifice other people to do so.

Being an abuse victim and not having integrity; are not mutually exclusive.

I think she was so shocked to see me crying.

She was shocked to see you distressed when your business rep had been trashed by a "friend", and you'd had to try to smooth things over with a large company who probably have a team of lawyers ... (and you couldn't fully smooth it over anyway)?????

Does she usually lack all empathy and common sense?

I think you need to have a real, non rose-tinted glasses think about this woman's character and behaviour.
It's unlikely she's had an entirely new brain put in her head, regardless of her abusive relationship.

Tell us you don't understand exactly what gaslighting/manipulation is without telling us you don't know what it is!

FORGET THE HORRIFIC "PRANK".

It wasn't a prank.

It wasn't something she ever did before she was in a weird relationship. Ever.

Please people, go and understand what emotional abuse, manipulation, coercive control and gaslighting do to someone. You LITERALLY lose co trip if your mind.

That's the point!!!

It's like brain washing.

That's the entire point!

If someone's personality changes for the worse, along with major aspects of their life, simply because they met someone new, then 99% of the time, they're being abused.

Emotional abuse is like you stop being an independent person. You don't think or feel like you did before. You can stop even knowing what you feel - because who are you to be able to accurately say whether you're unhappy or not?

PLEASE stop judging this woman based on how she used to be. If she did that "prank" before meeting him then yes, 110% she's a cold hearted bitch. But she's not herself. She's got a parasite which has taken over ALL aspects of her life.

And that doesn't mean OP can't be upset, but that's a different issue. The friend is in a dire situation.