Please help me stop loving someone.

[helpmewalkaway]

I have been in an on and off relationship the last 9 years.

No matter what he does to me. I just love him and cant stop. He does some really thoughtless, careless, selfish and sometimes really disrespectful things to me pretty much on a weekly basis. Id never make a plan with him on a monday for friday as by then he's usually done something and we're not talking. Then he turns up and says he misses me. We'll have a lovely day or 2 and then he does something again.

He sometimes wont respond to a message for 2 days, he has entertained and slept with other women, has innappropriate female friendships - which if i mention he tells me im a stupid cunt and 'what can you expect when you have such a handsome partner'. When we're out he comments on other womens appearances. He goes on holidays and only tells me a day or 2 before. He's hyper critical of me.

On the other hand he says he loves and adores me, would give me anything i asked for (materially) but i dont care for things like that, i just want him to be kind to me. I want to wake up and feel loved and go to bed the same day and still feel loved. One minute he's an angel and the next he's the devil.

I have walked away MANY MANY MANY MANY times. But when he turns up and says he hates life without me, i fall for it. 2 days are nice then back to this.

It is killing me. How can i turn off my feelings?

The only way to deal with this is to go no contact for a LONG period of time - maybe forever. Also get some counselling support if you can. Cut off all e-contact, delete his details, stop looking at his social media. Full cold turkey. Don't expect it to be easy but it is the only way. Eventually you will feel better but do expect it to take some serious time... months, before you feel stable without him.

It's not love, it's an addiction. Do you really think alcoholics love alcohol? You have to go cold turkey, just as an addict does. Nothing else will work.

What you are doing is a form of self-harm. You need to nurture yourself and the only way to do that is to never see him again.

The days we arent talking, i wont eat at all. I wont do anything other than cry. Now started drinking as it helps me sleep.

Im scared of someone else having him, but why? How can i love someone so much who is so shit to me.

I jus want to be happy. This relationship has me on my knees. I thought being loyal and forgiving would pay off and he'd eventually see what he has. He says he sees, then fucks up again.

Please help me.

I have cut off before. He had another relationship and we didnt talk for 18months. He knocks at the door and i forgive him instantly.

You don't love him. You love the idea of the relationship you could have if he were different.

He's not that person and after 9 years never will be. Please get counseling to work through whatever emotional dependence (not love) that you have on him.

The relationship with him isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper problem you have with yourself. ‘How can I stop loving him’ isn’t the right question. The right question is why don’t I love myself enough to walk away from someone who treats me so poorly?

You are being abused. It’s very hard to break the dynamic. You can get help. I am evangelical about the Freedom Programme. Please have a look.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I think you need to look for a counsellor because you must think so very little of yourself to let this man keep doing this!

What's the rest of your life like? Do you have a job, friends a supportive family?

It's not going to go back to what it was when you first met . He is not going to change . He is using you . You deserve better

It sounds like codependence. Can you Google CODA/women who love too much?

Agree with PPs - this isn’t love, you don’t “love him” and he certainly doesn’t love you. You feel like you need him and you can’t bear the thought of him being with someone else instead of you, but that’s not love. Love is nurturing, trusting, making each other feel secure, it isn’t clingy and needy because it doesn’t have to be. It’s a verb - it’s how you treat each other. What you describe is a trauma bond or an addiction, not a relationship.

Find a decent counsellor who can help you unpick your choices, both here and in previous relationships, so that you can start to make better ones. Nobody should live like this. You have one short precious life, don’t waste it being upset half the week and letting such a nasty prick have such a big impact on you.

There’s a saying “dick is plentiful and low value” - the modern version of plenty more fish in the sea! There’s absolutely nothing special about this guy that you couldn’t get from a million other men if you look for it. But while you’re convinced he’s your soulmate/twin flame/destiny or some other bullshit, he’s not, he’s just some bloke that you’re unhealthily attached to.

are any children on either side involved?

I had a consultation with local therapy but there is 18months before sessions will start. I will try and search the recommended books and steps.

We have no children and no financial ties together. We both own our own houses.

do you have friends, hobbies, a life?

you can afford private perhaps

Not really to be honest.

As horrible as he sounds, he isn't the problem here (and I think you know that).

You need professional help. What you're doing is self-harm; he's just the instrument you use to inflict it.

I don't say this lightly (because I know how expensive it can be), but if you have to pay for therapy then do it if at all humanly possible. This is beyond self-help books or internet forum advice.

You can have a life that doesn't include this soul-destroying relationship, but it's going to take a lot of work.

You can still love someone but make the decision not to be with them. You don't need to wait for the love to fade before ending the relationship. The simplest way is just to decide it's over and block him on all platforms. Accept the love will take time to fade but also accept he isn't a part of your future. It will be horrible and it will be painful but it will fade, even if a part of you always loves him.

no i’m not surprised

you’ve wasted nearly a decade holding out for someone who doesn’t love you

He’s a player but doesn’t actually have any responsibility towards you… a grown assed financially independent woman.

Seems like a place to start - start putting just half as much time and effort you put into maintaining your relationship into building a social circle that has nothing to do with him.

Stop drinking. If you can't sleep, go and speak to your GP for some help with that. Alcohol will only make things harder.

Maybe don't try to go cold turkey on the guy, but instead start filling your life with other stuff as well - that way when you are strong enough to cut him off, you won't be in the situation of having nothing and no-one.

You're a dog tied up in a back yard that can't go anywhere. Your owner comes outside and fusses you and feeds you treats which you love and then he kicks you and disappears for a few days whilst you whine and pine for him.

Then he appears with the treats and it happens again and again and again.

It will never stop and the pain hole time he is laughing at you behind your back.

You must cut him out or your life and never accept him back. Block on everything.

Well, find the money to pay for private therapy by cutting back elsewhere if necessary. This is a ridiculous way to self-harm, as you know.

People get hurt only by as much as they are prepared to let them hurt them.

You don't really love him. You just can't stand the thought of him being with someone else and behaving better towards them.

You need your look at why you have so little self esteem that you would allow him to treat you this way.

You definitely need counselling and to get some hobbies, to get a life.

Only you can break this cycle, it's time to get a grip and get on with it!

“helpmewalkaway · Today 16:50
steamedisbest · Today 16:42

do you have friends, hobbies, a life?
Not really to be honest.”

This is a big part of your problem. You don’t have enough going on in your life. You need to get busy with your own life.