Please help me stop loving someone.

[helpmewalkaway]

I have been in an on and off relationship the last 9 years.

No matter what he does to me. I just love him and cant stop. He does some really thoughtless, careless, selfish and sometimes really disrespectful things to me pretty much on a weekly basis. Id never make a plan with him on a monday for friday as by then he's usually done something and we're not talking. Then he turns up and says he misses me. We'll have a lovely day or 2 and then he does something again.

He sometimes wont respond to a message for 2 days, he has entertained and slept with other women, has innappropriate female friendships - which if i mention he tells me im a stupid cunt and 'what can you expect when you have such a handsome partner'. When we're out he comments on other womens appearances. He goes on holidays and only tells me a day or 2 before. He's hyper critical of me.

On the other hand he says he loves and adores me, would give me anything i asked for (materially) but i dont care for things like that, i just want him to be kind to me. I want to wake up and feel loved and go to bed the same day and still feel loved. One minute he's an angel and the next he's the devil.

I have walked away MANY MANY MANY MANY times. But when he turns up and says he hates life without me, i fall for it. 2 days are nice then back to this.

It is killing me. How can i turn off my feelings?

You can't mend someone full stop but especially when they don't think there is anything wrong with them.

He sounds like a proper dickhead. Not at all a remarkable man.

Pps are right. You need to start digging into why you are prepared to accept such low standards.

You deserve so much more.

There's a guy comes round and cleans our windows every six weeks, £25 a time. He doesn't do a great job, but he's at least reliable and pleasant, and it's reasonable value for money.

I can't imagine treating him as shitly as your DP treats you.

one of THE oddest posts i have ever read

Oh OP, I don't know how old you are, but I had a relationship a bit like this in my 20s, with a much older man (fortunately it didn't last 9 years!).

You don't love him, and he certainly doesn't love you, he is abusing you. You are addicted to breadcrumbs of happiness he throws while keeping you trapped in misery. You know this deep down, you recognise the cycle, only you can stop it.

The only way out is to walk away and not see him again. Its not want you want to hear I know. It will be hard and painful, potentially for a very long time, but you will heal and come out the other side if you keep him out of your life - and I promise it will be worth it. By holding onto him you have lost yourself and you must focus on rebuilding that. Try new hobbies, meet new people, expand your world.

With every year that goes by you will think of him less and less, and you will start to wonder why you wasted so much time on someone who gave you so little. Understand that he is NEVER going to change his behaviour towards you, he is NEVER going to make you happy, and you are losing NOTHING but pain by letting him go. He adds no value to your life, he just takes.

@MidnightMeltdown thank you so much for putting it how you did. x

You need to work on your self esteem
Learn to love yourself

OP I've been you and in some ways I'm still you , and I'm just about to walk away and block him on everything, the hard part is we have lots of mutual friends and he's very manipulative ... it I know it's time and so do you !!

Oh gosh you sound like a good friend of mine. I smarted writing good friend because she's actually become a shitty friend. And it's because of her addiction to this guy. He treats her so unbelievably badly and she won't break it off. They've been dating a similar amount of time to you and it's always on and off. The rest of her friends have moved on, married, had babies, progressed their lives but she's still stuck in the "dating a dick" phase or the mistake phase we all go through when we're young and don't know any better.

I echo others to go cold turkey. Delete all social media contact, change your number if you have to. Your life is worth so much more than this. Don't whittle it away on some moron.

This is true but before she can build her self esteem, she needs to get away from the toxic parasite who is draining it. This is why people end up trapped in this cycle of reward/abuse/reward/abuse.

The low self esteem isn't a personality trait, it's a result of the abuse that keeps someone trapped like this.

OP you have to understand that this can never turn into a healthy relationship dynamic and you will never find the love that you crave here. You probably feel like you will never find anyone better than him, but trust me, when you find somebody real it looks very, very different from this.

Every contact you have with him will throw you off. You need to cut him off completely, block him, change your number. It’s like breaking an addiction. You’ll feel awful for a while, like you won’t survive it, but you will. And it will get easier. But zero contact is the only way (am going through a similar thing myself although not as bad)

My therapist told me about starving kids who eat out of bins because they're so hungry. When I accept poor treatment from men it's because I'm so hungry for love, I'll accept any old scraps. OP, stop eating out of bins. This isn't love. Please please please focus on loving yourself and block him on everything. Change your number, move house, make it so he can't get back in touch with you. No contact is the only way you'll truly move on.

This is so sad to read. You've made an asshole your entire life. Get out, start a university course or study/prepare for a career, get a new job, join a club, pick up a hobby, join groups, make friends. You'll soon realise the hell you've got yourself into.
He is not the problem, you are. If it weren't him, it would be some other similar man. You need to work on yourself.

Lost boy my arse! He's just a common or garden dickhead. Don't waste any more time on him, 9 years is about eight and a half years too long.

It is really, really, REALLY hard to leave a dynamic like the one your are describing, @helpmewalkaway . Hope you watch this video to understand why, and keep looking for ways to help you build up the strength to do what you know you need to do. It's a process and you will get there.