Please help me stop loving someone.

[helpmewalkaway]

I have been in an on and off relationship the last 9 years.

No matter what he does to me. I just love him and cant stop. He does some really thoughtless, careless, selfish and sometimes really disrespectful things to me pretty much on a weekly basis. Id never make a plan with him on a monday for friday as by then he's usually done something and we're not talking. Then he turns up and says he misses me. We'll have a lovely day or 2 and then he does something again.

He sometimes wont respond to a message for 2 days, he has entertained and slept with other women, has innappropriate female friendships - which if i mention he tells me im a stupid cunt and 'what can you expect when you have such a handsome partner'. When we're out he comments on other womens appearances. He goes on holidays and only tells me a day or 2 before. He's hyper critical of me.

On the other hand he says he loves and adores me, would give me anything i asked for (materially) but i dont care for things like that, i just want him to be kind to me. I want to wake up and feel loved and go to bed the same day and still feel loved. One minute he's an angel and the next he's the devil.

I have walked away MANY MANY MANY MANY times. But when he turns up and says he hates life without me, i fall for it. 2 days are nice then back to this.

It is killing me. How can i turn off my feelings?

Do you have children OP? This kind of undying, one-sided love makes me think of the type of unconditional love a parents has for a child, except here it's misplaced.

He has his own demons which im really sympathetic to and I see him as a destructive lost boy alot of the time.. i dont hold grudges at all and knowing he has some reasons which cause him to be this way make me feel sorry him

This is all delusional bullshit you tell yourself to justify staying in this relationship. Same with all the women that cry "But he's the only one I can ever love!".... just teen-age level emotional incontinence.

The hard truth here is that he doesn't love or respect you and he treats you like crap. You can put whatever spin on it you choose, but that's what any reasonable person would see here.

Stop making excuses for his behaviour and stop lying to yourself as well. You need to work with a therapist who can help you unravel why you are willing to tolerate this treatment. The alternative is to remain like this indefinitely with the most likely outcome being that he eventually leaves you for someone else.

Omg. He calls you a stupid cunt and sleeps with other women. And actually says what do you expect from a handsome man like me.

And you stay with him?

You are worth so much more x

Make an effort with friends. And hobbies. Exercise. Plays. Gigs. Films. Girly holidays.

Anything but this shitty drama.

Get a dog. They love you.

You don't love him, you are addicted to him and the crumbs he throws you keep you addicted (maybe this time he'll stick around, see the amazing woman I am)

He doesn't love you, you're a convenience like a public toilet you find when you're bursting for a wee. We may have a fabulous, clean bathroom at home but sometimes we need that public loo and we're very grateful it's there. Don't be his convenience.

Therapy...

He says he loves and adores me.

He absolutely does not, but he knows the magic words to push your buttons and play you like a fiddle.

Come on, @helpmewalkaway. He’s a nasty piece of work … a cruel deviant who trains you with intermittent reinforcement to desperately cling to and lap up his crumbs. He gets a kick out of bullying, humiliating, and cheating on you.

You already know that he puts it about like a dog and couldn’t care less about risking your health.

I’m scared of someone else having him, but why?

@helpmewalkaway, this is the fear of many of his women in his harem. The truth is that no woman will ever ‘have him.’ He will never truly commit to anyone, as he is King of Misogynistic, Cake-Eating Womanizers who has no conscience, empathy or integrity.

When will enough be enough? Please seek therapy to strengthen your
self-esteem, learn positive coping strategies, and formulate an exit plan that you will stick with. Your mental health will be destroyed if you don’t.

What did you do in those 18 months without him? Not enough by the sounds of it. You were weak when he came back because you hadn't filled your life with other things.
It's you with the MH problem, he just does what he likes because you'll always have him back, so he doesn't need to change that. Think about it, 9 years of being a doormat. Isn't it about time you looked to change yourself rather than him, because he is not going to? You are looking for change in the wrong place, its you who is the problem in this. For a start, you know you'll have a few days on your own every week, so fill it doing stuff rather than moping and not eating. Make some friends, try some meetup events, work it off doing something for you - running, gym, whatever, just get a hobby.
You don't have to challenge him straight away, but you do need to work on your own life aside from him. If he's your only source of entertainment, that is your big problem. Start by making a plan to do something when you next don't see him.

This is about your relationship with yourself not your relationship with him. Treat you like a best friend .. look after her, defend her, treat her well- let her spend time with people who value her .. let new friendships, interests and connections begin to bloom.
There may be some deep rooted/ childhood issue whereby you have programmed yourself to not think you should expect more . Future you will thank you for choosing a different narrative now.

You really need to dig up some self respect.

He neither respects or loves you.

You deserve better, but nothing anyone else says can make you see that.

9yrs you say OP? What a waste of your life, this situation will never change, it will remain the same pattern, do you really want to spend more years like this, being used, upset. He won’t change. You deserve more. But only you can make the decision to step away. Good luck.

You must have very low self esteem to tolerate such a dreadful man in your life. I am sorry.

You have no ties to this dickhead and he has no respect for you and does not value you. Words are cheap. His actions over many years demonstrate what he really thinks. You need to set a boundary by telling him it's over and that, to be able to heal and move on, you want no contact with him. Then you maintain the boundary by blocking his number, email address(es) and all other forms of communication. If he starts turning up regardless, that further demonstrates how little your needs and emotions matter to him.

Be nice to yourself, as you would a friend. Find some new activity you might enjoy, and start doing it. Perhaps you'd like to take up running, or learn salsa dancing, or learn to play an instrument. Invest in yourself and don't look to replace this "relationship" with another one until you've got to the bottom of why you've been willing to accept so little for so long. You deserve someone who truly values you and places your happiness before their own. If you can't afford or access therapy, there are lots of good books, YouTube channels and podcasts that help with this. There's a guy on Instagram and YouTube called Matthew Hussey who talks well about relationships, give some of his stuff a listen.

We only get one life and it is short. Please don't waste any more of yours on this absolute bell-end.

Hi op!

I'm not going to pile on as it sounds like you want to change but don't know how.

9 years is a long time to be with someone who doesn't fully want to be with you. Look how much time he wasted for you.

I believe as someone posted earlier there is an element of trauma bonding.
I also feel like he fills a gap in your life, no matter how bad he is, better the devil you know eh? Because I suspect without him, you'd feel very lonely?

Often on these threads, people are asked to look at their parents relationship and their relationship with their parents. What did you learn about relationships as you grew up?

I sort of get rescuer and people pleaser from your words. Can you recount any situations that taught you that you must put other people first and you second?

Can you flip that on it's head? Why must you always come last? Why are you not putting yourself first. I saw you are awaiting therapy but if you have a google, some youtube videos may come up on these subjects you can have a look at.

Have a look at chump lady too. Have a look at the book mr unavailable and the fallback girl.

Lastly, whether you are with him or not right now, I think it's of great importance you start to build a little life for yourself.

I seriously think as you admitted earlier that you don't have friends Etc. In your life and he probably fills a pond in very big ocean.

Start off little and steady, find some free things to do. Find out your local clubs and go along to a few, even if it isn't normally your thing. Who knows, you may love it. It will get you out of the house and you may meet new people through it. There are two apps you could use to meet friends one on one, platook and bumble (this is a dating app but the other part of it is to meet platonic female friendships)

I aren't going to mention dating as I believe it's you that needs work to get healthy for your own sake before you let someone else in. I suspect this guy knows you will put up with anything so he doesn't unfortunately respect you and he treats you exactly as and when he wants.

I can't wait for the day when he gets the shock of his life when you get stronger and turn around and say no more. I suspect you will feel a bit stronger if you build up a life for yourself so you are no longer just waiting on him.

Sorry for the essay.

Hi OP, I think some of the replies aren’t particularly kind or helpful to your situation.

If you see him as a lost boy then that’s how you see him, I am super maternal and have had the same problem with that before because you worry about their feelings above your own.

The only way to get past this is to follow the advice on here, no contact.
No pictures, mementos, memories.
They have to go in the bin.

You have to erase him like he never existed or he died.
Then grieve it.
It will hurt but it won’t last, and okay you love him but you know it isn’t enough.

The hurt in staying in a relationship like that is far far worse.

Get up everyday, stick to a routine, plaster a smile on and fake it until you start to feel better.
And if you have a day where you have a wobble or a cry, that’s okay.
Be ruthless if he tries to contact you.

Its tough but you’ll get past it x

It's not love. It's an unhealthy addiction.

If the situation was 9 months… then your advice would probably be very relevant

9 years

the reasons the responses have been…. forthright… is that despite 9 years of this, the OP seems him as a broken little boy.

Rather than just a player.

My advice comes from me as someone who put up with it for 12 years.
The blunt and unhelpful responses on here are not helpful or supportive to OPs mindset.
Unless you’ve been in the situation yourself unsolicited blunt advice is not always helpful.

@Bettedaviseyes111 you got married. You had children.

The Op…. nothing

@steamedisbest not clear how you know I got married and had children.

However, how OP feels is how she feels. People basically calling her a berk for it doesn’t help her situation.

in another recent thread together

This is a trauma bond.

Following … in the same stupid self abusive boat of crap . Waiting and hoping for a little teeny bit of affection and attention . Ffs …

You cannot love what doesn't exist. It is the idea you love.

This. Sorry to say but it isn’t love, it’s dependence. Please extract yourself from this situation, get some therapy - there’s no shame in it, I’ve recently started because of some trauma in my life. And focus on how amazing your life will be without someone who treats you so poorly that you can’t eat or sleep.

You have horribly low self esteem. You think you can "mend" him.

I've been you several times in my past. I must ask - how was your relationship with your Father?