Please help me stop loving someone.

[helpmewalkaway]

I have been in an on and off relationship the last 9 years.

No matter what he does to me. I just love him and cant stop. He does some really thoughtless, careless, selfish and sometimes really disrespectful things to me pretty much on a weekly basis. Id never make a plan with him on a monday for friday as by then he's usually done something and we're not talking. Then he turns up and says he misses me. We'll have a lovely day or 2 and then he does something again.

He sometimes wont respond to a message for 2 days, he has entertained and slept with other women, has innappropriate female friendships - which if i mention he tells me im a stupid cunt and 'what can you expect when you have such a handsome partner'. When we're out he comments on other womens appearances. He goes on holidays and only tells me a day or 2 before. He's hyper critical of me.

On the other hand he says he loves and adores me, would give me anything i asked for (materially) but i dont care for things like that, i just want him to be kind to me. I want to wake up and feel loved and go to bed the same day and still feel loved. One minute he's an angel and the next he's the devil.

I have walked away MANY MANY MANY MANY times. But when he turns up and says he hates life without me, i fall for it. 2 days are nice then back to this.

It is killing me. How can i turn off my feelings?

Did you post about him recently? You'll be so much happier without him

I don't think this is so much about you needing to stop loving someone but that you need to start loving YOU!

I could tell you my story to explain why I know this and understand but please focus on what it is about you, he's not worth another second of your time.

i bet any friends you do have OP have been let down at the last minute many many times by you over the last 9 years when he’s suddenly popped over again.

I imagine that they’re all thoroughly sick and tired of 9 years of this

FGS have some self respect and don’t consider for one minute getting pregnant by him to tie him to you

Just stop and think for a moment, OP.

Would you treat someone like this? Would you treat anyone you loved the way this man is treating you? He is awful, quite beyond just being a bad boyfriend, he is practically torturing you - and he doesn't care.

Now, ask yourself why someone who says he can't be without you would treat you in a way that makes you so unhappy and which he could stop if he wanted to.

He doesn't want to. He enjoys your suffering.

Let that sink in.

I dont why you're so angry lol im the one in the shit relationship. Assuming i drop people for him and telling me not to get pregnant, you know nothing bar a few paragraphs. Move on if you're not being helpful please.

Id love to hear it x

No, i havent posted about anything before

No one will like me saying this but I’m wondering if you subconsciously love the drama and the angst this relationship causes, some people do, and in reality they hate normal drama free relationships as they get bored and love the challenge of taming the bad boy.

There is someone for me I've always loved. The one who got away. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. Even when I was upset with him I always cared.

Even when he didn't treat me particularly nicely I still loved him. I know now why he did it. It was okay.

Then my husband. I loved him so much. He had an affair. I stayed as I still loved him. Then he said something and it was an instant switch. In that moment I was done. I discussed with a friend and she said it wasn't a deal breaker. I felt I still loved him so I tried. More stuff happened, I got therapy. I realised it wasn't okay what he said and it not only was over I didn't even like him anymore never mind love him. I'm divorcing him. His behaviour and words were unforgivable. I had reached my limit. Why haven't you reached yours? I took shit because I thought I wasn't worth more. Couldn't manage without him. Had kids to think of. Turns out I'm awesome and I can cope with anything. Kids are great. He's not coping. Why do you not think you deserve more?

You need to get to the point. Where no matter how much you think you love them, you know that what they've done or said is not right and you deserve more.

As for the first guy, yep, still love him and I know now he loves me too. It's equal. It's healthy. It's good.

Do something about this man or accept it but either way, make a decision and own it.

You need to get angry. I would if someone treated me like that. He sounds like a piece of shit.

no anger. no sympathy either

my sympathy is for friends and family who have no doubt endured this drama for 9 years !

Have you ever dated anyone else in the last 9 years?

I wouldn't usually advocate trying to move on by finding another bloke, for a number of reasons, (one of which being if you're in an abusive relationship you're likely to pick another one the same) - but it might do you some good to realise there are other options out there.

I didnt ask for sympathy 🥴🙃 @steamedisbest x

What a lovely, wise post! This is completely true IME.

Thank you. Your beginning paragraph is where I currently am and i feel every word. He has his own demons which im really sympathetic to and I see him as a destructive lost boy alot of the time.. i dont hold grudges at all and knowing he has some reasons which cause him to be this way make me feel sorry him. Stupid as he never feels sorry for me.

Well done for leaving, i hope i hit that switch and get the strength too.

@Wooloohooloo thank you for putting that so kindly and nicely. You are right. X

In the kindest possible way, this man treats you like this because you allow him to. He is not a nice person OP. In fact he sounds very abusive.

I was in an off again on again relationship with a man 5 years older than me when I was only 19. It went on for three years and he treated me terribly. Emotionally abused me, physically abused me, cheated, lied and manipulated me. I thought if I could just get him to commit properly it would all change. It didn't. It got worse.

The dawning realisation for me was when I moved in with him and I realised I was trapping myself with a vile man who didn't respect or care for me. He was truly awful and when I finally left him my eyes were opened to what I'd been through. I'd allowed him to abuse me. I nearly wasted my life being miserable with him because I thought I loved him.

Its 10 years later and I'm married to a wonderful man who loves and adores me openly. He cares for me, treats me with so much kindness and respect. I would never have met him if I'd have stayed trying to make a terrible man be nice to me.

Please OP, don't waste your life on this man. It will never get better. You need to get angry. Go cold. Block him. Once you're free from him you will see.

@helpmewalkaway the difference is, my one was never cruel, disrespectful or any of the other unacceptable behaviours that "yours" is so please don't think I'm saying it is the same. I'm not. Yours is abusive.

Edited to add - he called you a cunt. That should be your red line.

He isn't a destructive little boy. You really need help. You need your mindset changed. It's just not the same in a way that is healthy for you. Sorry.

Lost little boy with demons, my arse. Op you would helping yourself a lot more if you could try to see this abusive pos for what he is - an abusive pos.

To be fair @steamedisbest post makes sense and can be helpful.. Sometimes people need to hear things they would rather not.

You say you don't have anyone close to you, is that because they are over all this drama? They have walked away as they cannot be a support for same thing over and over ?

This you are mentally unwell because you are trauma bonded.

the only way is total no contact and therapy

To realise that you deserve much more and that you won't ever change him.
You love the idea of him not the reality, you hold onto those few good days and you need to look at the bigger picture.

He doesnt love you op and he will treat you how you allow him to

Don't mean to be harsh at all as it must be really hurting you.

In a similar situation OP. Following for advice also. Wish I didn't love him but I do.

He has his own demons which im really sympathetic to and I see him as a destructive lost boy alot of the time.. i dont hold grudges at all and knowing he has some reasons which cause him to be this way make me feel sorry him.

This almost sounds like you want to fix him, that if he could only see how much love and affection you have for him, how tolerant you are of his many faults, that he would realise how loyal you are and start being more affectionate to you.
You would be rescuing him from the damaging aspects of his personality.

I don't this is an easy fix as its an addiction, but I do think you know that this relationship is very very damaging for you and you should think about how many more years do you want it to continue. How long do you want to feel like this? Its been nine years. Don't let it be ten.

Looking at cold hard facts like these are sometimes the prod needed. Write it all down. Like an accounting. What per cent of your time are you actually together. It will surprise you... Sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better than this not even half relationship.