Facing life alone with no partner

[datingqss]

I have been online dating for coming up to two years. I left my ex because he was becoming even more abusive. I haven't regretted this decision. But I had no idea how much more difficult dating has become and I am facing the reality of being on my own for the foreseeable future, and what feels like could be forever.

I am turning 40 shortly, but look around 10 years younger (everyone comments on this - from my opticians, to a doctor who refused to do any botox on me) and I am a fun and lovely person. I mention this not because I am vain, but because I do get a lot of attention on the dating apps.

Yet the men I am meeting on the dating apps aren't anywhere near that I would normally consider, I am trying to be open minded. Not only that, I am then rejected after a few dates, as I don't have sex with them or I do have sex with them! It all seems to be about sex for them, the chemistry etc. Not about connection and developing something meaningful it seems. I feel like a piece of meat.

It never used to be like this before, I always found a boyfriend within 6 months of online dating in the past, and had long term relationships. It's a totally different landscape now and I am feeling petrified that I am not going to meet anyone and it's game over.

I am a balanced and rational person, and a realist, and always thought I'd meet someone if I give it time, put in the effort etc it's a number game. Now I have no faith and it's really starting to affect my life. Has anyone else been in the same position? How do you come out of this? My life is good - I have a great job, lots of hobbies, family, friends etc. But I want a partner and ideally a family of some kind. What do I do? I feel nobody wants a relationship anymore.

I’m exactly the same. I’m 44. Split up with an ex 8 months ago, he’s moved on (back to his ex of 14 years ago). I can’t seem to meet anyone, the ones who do have interest have issues or I would never fancy etc. and like you I’m trying to be open minded to find a good man. It’s really difficult. To the point it’s making me regret ending things with my ex, even though the relationship made me feel lonely, I waved on eggshells, he was coke head and gave me an sti.

I think is easier to find a partner when younger because between the fun there is a planning of a future together.
At forty that future is our present and it is not that easy to find someone that fits in it.
Also maturity gives you a new perspective of what do you want, at the end of the day we have been here nearly half of the race, so we don't feel the nerves and the joy of the beginning or the exhaustion of the end. We just run.

Online dating is not for everyone and as I heard you need to go in like in a game. You gamble when you date, like a lottery ticket, you may win or you may not, you keep on till either you had enough or you find that someone.
Patience and not taking it personal would be my advice for you if you want to actively look for someone.
Other than that, Good luck.

I think one of the issues you might have is that a lot of the men around that age have come out of their own unhappy relationships/ divorce and are in no hurry to just back into another LTR in any hurry

Yes I'm in this situation but for different reasons. Lone parent, no one to have the kids for me to even be able to date no family and they don't see their father. Been single for 7 years since 28 now 35. Haven't even had sex for 7 years feel like life is over for me now and extremely lonely.

I'm in the same situation been single for ten years, now I'm 53 and not so attractive anymore. I know deep down I will not find anyone, as I've been dating for decades and have only met two men that I ever clicked with. I know at this stage of life I wont find anyone and sometimes it really makes me sad, especially when everyone I know is coupled up. Trying to come to terms with it and accept now.

OLD is not the best place to find a partner. Have you tried meetups, or a hobby? Perhaps a cooking or art class or some sport group? I think it's better to meet in person, where the main focus is an activity rather than being on a date. I became single at 36, I'm 52 now having dabbled with OLD for years - you think you're disillusioned after 2 years 😂. The longest I got with OLD was in the early years, that lasted about 2 years. Had a thing for 3 years with someone from a social group. Other OLD things have lasted 2-7 months, and tbf, I could of done without them all. It gets worse the older you are for OLD, looking back it was pretty pointless and I've kicked it all into touch. Tend to go to gigs these days as a past time, not met anyone via that yet, but I love live music so it doesn't matter.

Your value and worth are not determined by a) whether you have a man b) whether you are attractive to men.
At 40 it is time to step into your own life. You are a whole person. You can determine which direction you go in, you neither have to follow or chase someone else in theirs. You are free.
Imagine there is no decent man out there, what do you want to do, where do you want to live, what hobbies or new career would you begin?
Being attractive and 'fun' sounds like a sort of Marilyn act, entirely designed for attracting a male, nothing to do with you as a real 3d person. What about being well read, accomplished, interesting, well travelled, expert, talented and just plain old at peace?
Admittedly it's hard to let go of judging yourself by imagined mate's standards so if you like, look at it as someone independently happy is a much more appealing prospect for independent and well-adjusted men.
A man should be the side-quest, not the main one.

Hi OP, I totally relate.

I have given up age 40 and concluded that it maybe isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I've come to terms with that and one of the things I've noticed is that I'm more relaxed and ironically, probably in a better place to actually meet someone decent (even though I'm not going to try). I'm not trying too hard anymore. In my opinion, some men can pick up on that need and desire to have a partner and they don't take you seriously because they know you want someone to fill that need and it's too much pressure. Or they play on that need and exploit you for sex. It can also attract abusers who perceive the need and love bomb you. I've had all 3 scenarios when I was younger.

That sounds absolutely horrendous. I think your future self will thank you for ending it.

Bravo, @Carouselfish ! Absolute words (and philosophy!) to live by.

Just to share my experience. I am 47 now. Split with exH 10 years ago. And dated on and off over the years. Had 1-2 short-term relationships. Always been independent but also always felt judged by society for being alone. It was only about 1.5 years ago (when I split from quite an emotionally manipulative man) that I took time out from relationships and started to really live and plan my life for myself. I thought to myself, fuck what everyone else thinks of me and my life. Looking back, I wouldn't put all the blame of dating going wrong on the other parties, there were some times in my life I should not have been dating but did (in the initial aftermath of the split, when my DCs were too young really and I did not have the headspace to date). But I have mostly met nice people, but I have quite strong boundaries but still made mistakes (the last ex!).

When I started dating online again about a year ago, I treated it as a sideline. I was no longer embarrassed about being single but also was clear I wanted a connection/relationship. I planned trips for myself (went on small group tours, completely recommend as I met people of all ages and from all over!), started a new hobby and did all my usual social things. My life was full when I met my current boyfriend. He was one of 5 guys I started to date. The moment one dropped any red flags, I got rid. No hesitation or compromises.

We were very gradual. Took things slowly, We both had trips planned already but kept in touch when we went on our trips. And slowly integrating our lives and 8.5 months on, we have both realised we have found something quite rare in OLD. We still have full lives separately, but also a really nice life when together. And I look forward to our time together and he feels the same. My DCs are 16 and 14 (he has none) and realistically, I am taking each day as it comes as my DCs get more independent. So, I think it can happen, just a lot of patience and a good mindset help a lot.

And to add @datingqss , I don't understand people who declare they have given up OLD as if it is a badge of honour. If they are happy with a life alone or just bank on meeting potential dates in real life, sure. Honestly, OLD is the same as dating people you meet in real life. I've downloaded and deleted the dating apps countless times in moments of frustration and despair but also recognise it gives me a breadth of people I would never have met otherwise and who (mostly!) wants to meet somone. I've met both good and bad people online and offline. But I also know I would not have met my current boyfriend in real life. He lives in a completely different part of London, we move in completely different social sets, work in different industries... But it works for us as we make an effort on both parts to make it work. Take a break if you need to, but I treated the people I met on the apps like friends. And don't over-invest or over-commit too early. I stick to my life and my dates have to fit in around that till they prove otherwise. Good luck!

I'm 46, been single for 6 years(longest I've ever been single). I started doing OLD just before lockdown so it was always a bit hit and miss. Met a couple of guys, one was lovely, respectable and honest (a rare gem) the other turned out to be a liar. The genuine guy stuck around and we kept in touch and saw each other quite a bit but nothing came of it. That was 2021/22.

Went back and tried earlier this year but instantly felt myself change and I didn't like it.

I have no problem flirting, when I was in my 20s I had no problem getting a man. I'm also told I'm lovely, fun, look 10 years younger (have no lines or wrinkles), have hobbies etc. I'm solvent and have my shit together. I have a good life. So I have plenty to offer someone.

I've spent the past couple of years concentrating on my career, probably to the detriment of my social life (and dealing with being peri-menopausal).

For me a man has to enhance my life, and they have to be pretty damn special to come into my life now. The loneliness and longing for that special someone comes in waves (very much during winter but I've started going to gym classes so I have people to talk to), right now I'm very happy and content and gearing up for a busy few months.
OLD isn't for everyone, it also isn't the only way to meet someone.

It's interesting to read this, i'm 50 and coming towards the end of a marriage. I did OLD about 14 years ago and I dated a lot, I found it quite fun meeting a lot of people I wouldn't in normal life, it was mainly one or two dates because none of them were for me. Back then I was very much focused on finding a husband or rather a dad (which actually never happened), and I feel like I made 'man' decisions based on my biological clock.
I think realistically I'll never find another man, as I'd be looking for someone for me. I know i'll be incredible fussy, but with age not on my side, I know I won't have any options.
It's sad because i've been in a loveless marriage for a long time, and all I ever wanted was to have a full house full of love and children. But hey ho!

I'm 43 and I am finding it sooo hard. I've come off the apps as I need a breather from them. It definitely wasn't this hard when I was 31 and last on them. I personally think it's my age , I do tend to go for younger guys in their 30s and alot of them don't have kids yet and seem to want kids at some point and so they obviously don't see me as a viable option long term but are happy to be in a situationship with me.
I have a child and don't want anymore and so that combined with my age really narrows down my options and a lot of men sadly just don't take me seriously as a potential girlfriend. It hurts but I don't want to be delusional or in denial about it.
I feel like so many guys that I meet in their late 30s and early 40s don't have kids yet but say they are open to them and that basically means they want kids so that's a no go for me. So yeah it's pretty depressing, I'm also quite young for my age but this situation is leaving me with the 50 plus year olds who are divorced, and have grown up kids already and possibly a whole host of other things that I don't like such as being fat or bald or having ED. No thanks , I will just get a couple more cats.

@Carouselfish amazing advice, thank you for this.

Imagine there is no decent man out there, what do you want to do, where do you want to live, what hobbies or new career would you begin?

I have done everything I've wanted in life. Career, hobbies, travels, friends etc. It's all been done and I am so happy.

All that I haven't achieved is finding a partner and having a family. And it pains me.

Same. I am 53 and recently been discarded by a narc I was involved with for almost a year. I felt he was my last chance, now that's finished and was very toxic, I'm staying single. I think we need to embrace it.

Comms85 not many guys already with kids? or who don't want kids?

I wish I had a child already. but I understand your situation is different.

Honestly, OLD is the same as dating people you meet in real life.

I think the people I meet on OLD are considerably worse than the men I know in real life sadly.

Or they play on that need and exploit you for sex. It can also attract abusers who perceive the need and love bomb you. sadly this has happened to me many times. and my friends.

This isn't meant as bitchy as it sounds, but no man who wants kids will date a 40 year old woman. Why would they?

notanotherrokabag It's a very bitchy comment. So thanks.

Op, this EXACTLY!

Enjoy your life with high self worth, the sooner you stop trying to attract a man, the better you will feel. I see so many of my friends turning into vulnerable people because they’re so desperate to couple up that they just ending up being treated badly.

notanotherrokabag I get literally hundreds of likes on the dating apps every day by the way. It's not like I am short of men to date. Some want kids, others don't.

Most men are dysfunctional.

I would not blame you for having higher standards. Its better to be alone than with Mr Mediocre.

I think its time you invested me new hobbies, friendship and anything that takes your interest.

Relationship are hard work and even harder work with men.