Facing life alone with no partner

[datingqss]

I have been online dating for coming up to two years. I left my ex because he was becoming even more abusive. I haven't regretted this decision. But I had no idea how much more difficult dating has become and I am facing the reality of being on my own for the foreseeable future, and what feels like could be forever.

I am turning 40 shortly, but look around 10 years younger (everyone comments on this - from my opticians, to a doctor who refused to do any botox on me) and I am a fun and lovely person. I mention this not because I am vain, but because I do get a lot of attention on the dating apps.

Yet the men I am meeting on the dating apps aren't anywhere near that I would normally consider, I am trying to be open minded. Not only that, I am then rejected after a few dates, as I don't have sex with them or I do have sex with them! It all seems to be about sex for them, the chemistry etc. Not about connection and developing something meaningful it seems. I feel like a piece of meat.

It never used to be like this before, I always found a boyfriend within 6 months of online dating in the past, and had long term relationships. It's a totally different landscape now and I am feeling petrified that I am not going to meet anyone and it's game over.

I am a balanced and rational person, and a realist, and always thought I'd meet someone if I give it time, put in the effort etc it's a number game. Now I have no faith and it's really starting to affect my life. Has anyone else been in the same position? How do you come out of this? My life is good - I have a great job, lots of hobbies, family, friends etc. But I want a partner and ideally a family of some kind. What do I do? I feel nobody wants a relationship anymore.

Guavafish1 I completely agree x

I never even bothered to try OLD. I hear so many depressing stories in IRL, even for relatively wealthy women (not me, my friends). It seems like playing the lottery to me as there is so much recirculating trash. People out of relationships can have so much unresolved baggage - they head straight to OLD instead of spending time alone learning about themselves again and healing.

If I was setting my mind to find a partner, I would try different methods based on mutual interests. I am active, so would join a walking club. Or perhaps go to seminars and gatherings related to my profession, where I would learn stuff as well. The worst that would happen is that you can find new friends, which makes life on your own richer. There would be less pressure to be attractive to men at these events and you can get to know each other slowly.

@Epidote

So true. Also, the fact that so many men are already partnered up by the time they reach early 30s, or even mid 20s. Many people still meet during university in their late teens and 20s even! That's a lot of men gone.

OP, I'm afraid that a lot of men in our age group will either be single for a reason, or be post divorce where their lives are already full. If they're on apps, they're on there for a hassle-free good time, not to develop another life-long, time consuming relationship when their first one might have already burnt them in some way.

Many people still meet during university in their late teens and 20s even! That's a lot of men gone. Not in London where I am based

Have you thought about having one child now, by yourself? You can have a relationship at any time in the future but time is running out for the child part. That’s what I would do anyway.

EarthSight many married men too just looking for a good time!

coldcallerbaiter With egg and embryo freezing, I could buy much more time, that's right.

Have you tried matchmaking? The men are more vetted and serious. Costs a few thousand.

I've heard a lot of people meeting through hobby groups actually. Some of them must be through Meetups, but from the limited experience of that, I find a lot just want to turn up and go home. There's also quite a few people there as well that are either socially awkward or fairly quiet and expect other to patiently coax them out if their shells. That's hard work and tedious.

I know it sounds like that. But what's the poing in going 'there there, it'll be fine'

What's more important to you - the partner, or the child? Because if it's the child, at 40, most people don't have time to find a partner first and go it alone.

I don't know if you're being serious or not, but the success rates for that are very low especially for your age, sorry.

This thread is very depressing, I was waiting for the optimistic people to turn up with some happy stories... <tumbleweed>

Or maybe they're happy as they are and don't want obnoxious people trying to "coax them out of their shells". Being on the receiving end of that is hard work and tedious.

You've probably missed the boat for that to be hugely useful I'm afraid. Clinics all quote the success rates of freezing - the success rates of defrosting and ending up with a live baby are very small, even at 30.

I hear you OP. I'm single after coming out of a LTR nearly two years ago. I feel I wasted my chance at ever having a lasting LTR because of the 10 years I was with him. I was tripping over offers 12 years ago and now I've tipped into later middle age, I've become invisible to men. They want to date younger women and by date, I mean 'have sex with'. As far as I can tell men only want either sex or a carer, ideally someone who does both.

I did have a couple of happy years with my ex, but it I ended up staying in an unhappy, and latterly abusive relationship for at least 6 years longer than I should have.

He was so lovely at first. Caring and adored me. Perhaps it was love bombing. I'm afraid now of going into another relationship because I believe firmly that all men are basically selfish, immature, out for what they can get and abusive when they don't get what they want. They just hide it well at the beginning when they want sex.

Almost all men go off their partner eventually - because men really only fancy young women and well, we age! So they turn cold and unresponsive or worse, turn nasty or cheat. I see it in pretty much all my friends and family. Wife continues to do everything for him, including being kind and loving, as well as housework, cooking, etc. He just does the hobbies and chores he enjoys and sniggers with his mates about hot young women.

MN records the worst of them - constant stream of stories about men cheating, abusing, refusing to pay childcare, being cold and entitled.

It's a shitshow. And yet we're programmed to want them and by the time we get to our 40s and 50s we're left feeling like pariahs if we're single.

It really is a man's fucking world.

Ok now I know you're talking crap.

There are loads of older men I've dated who want kids. There is more than one way of having a family.

For egg freezing, yes. Not for embryo freezing tho. I have found an outstanding clinic in London and several in Spain.

This level of misinformation is depressing, especially on a women's forum.

“Why don’t you talk?!”

• Because I’m here to work out
• Because you’re boring doing enough talking for everyone

It sounds like it, because it is. This is meant to be a supportive forum. Not for bitchy comments.

If I ever split from my DH I just wouldn't bother with online dating I don't think. It sounds bloody awful. I really couldn't be arsed in my 50s even trying to put up with those idiots. Perhaps pursue an interest and like minded men will be there. It sounds healthier than these sites.

Honestly, OLD is the same as dating people you meet in real life. I've downloaded and deleted the dating apps countless times in moments of frustration and despair but also recognise it gives me a breadth of people I would never have met otherwise and who (mostly!) wants to meet somone. I've met both good and bad people online and offline

I kind of agree with this @TwoBoysTooMany76 As frustrating as I find the apps sometimes OLD is not the problem as such. It’s the same pool you’ll get elsewhere and there is good and bad just like irl.

OP, I’m a similar age to you and unfortunately there’s a lot of women over 35 in a similar position of not been able to find a man they feel matches their standards or interests.

I’m in a relationship again but when I was using OLD I found overall I had more luck with men a bit younger than me - early to mid 30s who had never been married . I feel you on the men out for sex, the way my profile is written it deters a lot of those, but a few of them can be so blatant. It’s like they want unpaid sex workers?! Add to that the problem of a lot of men you meet on dating apps or even in a bar or on holiday etc are in relationships /married . It’s always a telltale sign when a man is using a made up profile name on an app 🤦‍♀️ they estimate over half of all men on apps are not single! It’s not easy at all out there apps or not.

But more optimistically, I do know people who have found love and started marriages and had kids in their early to mid 40s.

I'm talking about egg freezing, not embryo freezing - don't know the figures on that. I guess you could do embryo freezing with donor sperm. But ask for solid evidence on the percentage that ends with a live baby.

Crepester thank you for sharing and your positivity
I am glad you found someone - how did you meet?

OK fine. Keep going OP, it'll all be great, you'll find an amazing man and have loads of kids with him.

Yes, thanks I know what I am doing. I am not asking you for your advice or bitchy comments.