Facing life alone with no partner

[datingqss]

I have been online dating for coming up to two years. I left my ex because he was becoming even more abusive. I haven't regretted this decision. But I had no idea how much more difficult dating has become and I am facing the reality of being on my own for the foreseeable future, and what feels like could be forever.

I am turning 40 shortly, but look around 10 years younger (everyone comments on this - from my opticians, to a doctor who refused to do any botox on me) and I am a fun and lovely person. I mention this not because I am vain, but because I do get a lot of attention on the dating apps.

Yet the men I am meeting on the dating apps aren't anywhere near that I would normally consider, I am trying to be open minded. Not only that, I am then rejected after a few dates, as I don't have sex with them or I do have sex with them! It all seems to be about sex for them, the chemistry etc. Not about connection and developing something meaningful it seems. I feel like a piece of meat.

It never used to be like this before, I always found a boyfriend within 6 months of online dating in the past, and had long term relationships. It's a totally different landscape now and I am feeling petrified that I am not going to meet anyone and it's game over.

I am a balanced and rational person, and a realist, and always thought I'd meet someone if I give it time, put in the effort etc it's a number game. Now I have no faith and it's really starting to affect my life. Has anyone else been in the same position? How do you come out of this? My life is good - I have a great job, lots of hobbies, family, friends etc. But I want a partner and ideally a family of some kind. What do I do? I feel nobody wants a relationship anymore.

Disgusting.

You’re so welcome!

thanks - I met him on Hinge actually! 😆

It’s a far smaller pool than Tinder so you tend to get far less likes than Tinder/Bumble but I found it a lot better overall. Quality over quantity basically. But I do have a couple of friends who are happily married to Tinder dates but it just wasn’t the app for me.

Other 35+ women I know have met their OH on holiday or through mutual friends at parties/bbqs or at church.

Crepester so lovely to hear. where abouts in the country do you all live?

I’m in the north-west near Manchester but my office is in London and I go to Scotland a lot so I’ve matched with people all over the UK using Hinge.

My friends I’m thinking of live in the areas I’ve mentioned above too. One of my friends who married her tinder date lives in Brighton.

Crepester and roughly when did you all meet your partners? relatively recently?

Yes in the past 1-3 years and we were all 35 -42.

btw, if you watch videos on youtube about ‘older’ women having pregnancies and you read the comment sections it’s so encouraging!

I know it doesn’t happen for everyone, but videos like that obviously attract women who it DID happen for and it’s nice to see comments like “I’m 44 and we just had our first child who is happy & healthy”

OP, I am curious - if you are prepared to freeze embryos with donor sperm, why not go through pregnancy now with donor sperm? That would seem to have the best chance of success.

No difference between fresh and frozen IVF. So no rush.

Wow that's encouraging to hear you all met recently. Thanks for sharing.

Yes - there are plenty of women having babies in early to mid 40s and even beyond. I'll check out YouTube. There's loads of FB groups too. Naturally, as well as with donor sperm, donor eggs etc. Also adoption etc. There are plenty of ways to have a family over the age of 40.

Yes I used to work with children in care, adoption is a great choice for the right people. I’d like to do long term foster care placements in the future.

I'm 50, met someone on tinder two years ago, after having a few dates with others off and on since my divorce at 46.

As for kids, has my first at 35, second at 40, took only a few months each time to get pregnant. If there's no underlying fertility issues I think getting pregnant when older isn't quite the miracle it's pprtrated to be

My mum remarried at 49 to a man she met 2 years prior at a wedding. She went through a period of going to weddings, parties/dinners, church events and there were a few people. However the older we are, the more we carry (exes, children etc).

I Janet my partner through OLD but there were loads of strange people. It’s hard to filter through but don’t settle for anything less and focus on a decent friendship - I found a majority on dating apps didn’t want that.

Maybe be more intentional when you meet a nice guy by getting to know them a little.

It’s really not too late and you can five other things to do to feel less lonely.,

Your best bet would be to try IVF with donor egg and donor sperm. That would give you the best chance of achieving a pregnancy.
The conception rates quoted by the London clinics need to be taken with a huge pick of salt. The success rates with your own eggs in your 40s are very low.
I would just crack on with this TBH rather than focusing on dating.
It's not you, it's the men on offer in this age range.

So well said! So much of what I was going to say.
It is totally different now to before.
And it's not just about meeting someone who is suitable even if not in age. Because then it's like right, what are we doing. Because you don't plan or think about things the same way.
In the past it was there if you wanted it.

Plus there is all this talk of how a relationship should be. But people dissect things too much I think.
To me having a dc etc, to be seeing someone for me that means seeing them weekends possibly in the week if time. And that dynamic changing if they meet my dc and are possibly going to come to our home etc.
I've got a friend who i know means well, and it's because of how she wanted her relationship to be and it's not.
But she will say oh you need to go out do stuff together when I've been seeing someone.
True even if just for the sake of it.
But as that's only been on weekends then it's not the whole weekend, and so when things have been new obviously we have been excited and want to spend time catching up on lost time if you know what I mean.

The main thing for me now has been age and having a child, plus that I don't want any more. Otherwise you see all these guys with women who already have kids but younger and it seems to work. Plus that they have more of a future with that women in most cases I have noticed they go on to have kids of their own together.

Maybe I am wrong but I have seen a lot of examples. And I don't see men getting with women and becoming serious take on their child/ren and play happy families without something in it for the man.

Omg you've lost a lot of your younger years, and this makes me mad with the men that get to go off and live their lives, whilst the women are stuck!
I had gaps and also had lots of things going on that was more important at the time.
Then started chatting online in 2021 and that got things rolling again. Then contact was sorted out with father so dc is not always with me. And I started going out etc.
I can't imagine not having had sex for that long.

Can you get any baby sitter so you can get out

yes unfortunately it's the way it is but I wouldn't leave my children with anyone I didn't know personally.

Men on dating sites tend to be the ones after hook ups ime. Find a hobby and meet people in the wild. Better still recognise the freedom of not being lied to and stay single!

Some of us do like the idea of regular sex, someone who has our back and share those Meal for Two meals deals.

I think dating does take a sense of humour, and if you go into it looking for the worst in people, you will find it. I had a couple who I liked who it turned out either ghosted or turned out to be only after someone to practice their kinks on...but take it as all part of this great learning experience called life and get on with it. We tell kids to be resilient, this is the same.

@notanotherrokabag I agree, I'm 43 and last dated a 37 year old but he was open to kids and so he only saw me as a FWB and he basically breadcrumbed me for those few months that we did see each other.

@datingqss the last 4 guys I met online were open to having kids and didn't have any and were late 30s. I think I need to set a boundary where I'm only dating people who don't want kids or have them and don't want more

On that, I would have thought sooner rather than later would be better for your body to go through pregnancy and early years. And secondly, if you are going the sperm donor/embryo route, better to do it and then date later? Otherwise you are potentially going through pregnancy and birth in a pretty new relation up with someone who isn’t the father and had nothing to do with your decision to have a kid.

@datingqss just to add , my cousin is 39 , doesn't have children and wants them and she has been dating a guy she met on Bumble for about 3 months now and it's going well.
I hope you meet someone really great who deserves you as you sound lovely 💐

I know people who have met in 60s/70s/80s but not online dating, just joining activities with other people of that age group. 53 is most certainly not too late!

True for the grim men but definitely not all. I know many men who still can't take their eyes off their aging wives and vice versa.
But sadly too many of them are the grim type

Ah c'mon now. There are plenty of lonely, sad men in their 50s too. Problem is, most of them are understandably single, but don't seem able to understand what they need to do to improve themselves to attract a girlfriend, while women in their 50s have done all the work, are a much better proposition, yet struggle to find their equals.