Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

This reminds me of a previous post someone wrote about how their DH always thinks they are right and everyone else is difficult/stupid. My DH is super careful about some aspects of safety (e.g., wearing safety goggles when strimming or sanding), but will also leave tools lying around everywhere and items in the middle of the floor or blocking doorways. But if I was to mention the latter as being unsafe, he would think I was being totally unreasonable/nitpicking for the sake of it, because HE doesn't see a problem with it - therefore there IS NO PROBLEM with it - I am just being difficult for the sake of it.😩

@BustyLaRoux don’t mind me, honestly, you’re fine. I’m just reminded of so many conversations over the years with people saying ‘if I were you I’d make him …’ and literally the whole thing is I can make him do nothing! Removing him from the marital home would honestly require someone shooting him with tranquilliser darts and dragging him physically over the threshold. It takes that just to get him to go the corner shop, TBH.

It’s such a wide range of stuff we’re all dealing with, isn’t it? On so many levels. There are some experiences we all have in common and others that differ so wildly.

And I do really appreciate insights from people who’ve managed to leave with young families, as much as people who are biding their time until DC have flown the nest.

Hugs to you. This can feel like a big turning point, can’t it? How old is your DS? And what’s led to the assessment?

He’s 9 now and I guess it’s rapidly escalating behaviours, sensory aversions, executive function difficulties, increasingly anxious behaviours, very big feelings that are difficult to regulate, high conflict / hard to get him to just do stuff like tidying up that my other DC will just get on with, increasing obsessions (with Pokémon), sneaking screen time etc.

Altogether these add up to the feeling that everything is just very hard work / nothing is easy or simple.

@MySocksAreDotty Ive an 8 year old girl who I’ve begged for an assessment but they don’t think her behaviour is bad enough. She too has big feeling and emotions. I can’t get her to do anything and everything is such a conflict and it causes arguments between us all. My partner who isn’t her dad can’t understand that perhaps she isn’t just being awkward perhaps she can’t help it. Getting ready for school every morning is so difficult. It’s so simple to me but she can’t stand me asking her to get ready and she can’t just get ready herself so we at a standstill.

A wild guess but could be that the academic pressure increases around Y4 and can impact on an undiagnosed/unsupported ND child which then leads to more challenging/ rigid/explosive behaviour at home? Hormones are beginning to kick in too and some of the playground dynamics change around this age. Not sure how familiar you are with things like Low Demand parenting which can help a child with high levels of demand avoidance (apologies if you already know about this and looking for further advice). I like Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker for books on ND children and parenting. Sometimes us parents need some processing time as well to get used to the idea of having an ND child.

Thanks for the support. We’re already very low demand due to DH health which has maybe delayed our insights about DS. You’re right about the adjustment time and processing for us parents. It’s a challenge.

Tranquilliser gun
😂

This is why I come here- your love and support and shared experience has helped me with this journey so much. And apologies for the delayed reply- I am across the pond, but we have no such group in the US that I can find. 24 years!!!!! nearly 20 of which I was wondering why can't I make this better? what do I need to do to fix this? Am I crazy because I feel like I am talking to a brick wall? Giving him "time" to think about things with never a follow through. Finally coming across some Autism sites after we had separated and realizing he ticked all the boxes, all the assessments, every description to a t! I tried so hard to hold on until youngest was 18. I knew in my heart this would be a tough road, I guess I just did not realize the magnitude of how hard it would be.
@MySocksAreDotty I am sorry about the diagnostic, but so good you are realizing now. Even though no one can therapy out of it, catching it when they are young can make all the difference in later life to be able to manage and also articulate needs and communicate better. And thank you for your reply to me. My kids perception are that things are fine- but they are still grieving the marriage ending. I think my oldest (she is adult, 21) is in university but lives at home, I think she is starting to see. @BustyLaRoux no offense taken and no apologies needed! and thank you for the suggestions. I can't in good conscious let this continue & I am waiting for the right moment to do a full walk through of the house with him not to point out where he is failing, but simply to point out how gross this all is. If he can get himself up to go to work and build cars, he can certainly do some laundry, spray the ants, vacuum the floor, etc... I do need to tread lightly because any suggestion can throw him into a rage or into sulking and i do not want my girls to bear that. @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy Yes moving back in is a last resort. It has crossed my mind, but I am not ready to go there yet. He is so change averse- he's been in that house 30 years, I dont know if he could handle such a change. I think he wants to buy me out, which I am fine with. My new place is cute, bright, and clean. So it is a matter of helping him see the mess. Which he magically saw and cleaned as I was moving out.... @Bunnyhair Now that I am out, I do think my oldest has grasped he could not manage alone. That is something I spoke to her about before I moved out- will dad be ok? She thought yes, and maybe he is, but not with basic life functioning. And my oldest is such a wise beyond her years type that she is probably taking up some of what I was shouldering. I do need to have a heart to heart with her. And I am breadwinner. I am fortunate that I can maintain my household and half of my share of the marital home. I do need to speed things along with the divorce as difficult as that is going to be. @LiveLove24 shared care is a huge yes- in fact we have a court date coming up for this as he has refused this, calling it "absurd" in his paperwork. So I am also in the fight of my life for shared with our youngest who is 16. She too is taking up some of the load at home as best she can. I know this is a total novel- thank you all again for your kind words and responses. This is really helping me through the most difficult decision of my life. 🌸

@BlueTick Yes, taking you to the edge is something I have experienced as well. It's almost like making a suggestion and then fighting it tooth and nail until they either come around to the idea or find the exact same solution online or from friends and then agree. It is infuriating! Like, hello I am your wife! Does my opinion have any weight? it is almost like a defiant teen- If I say the sky is blue he says it isn't just for the sake of argument.
@LittleSwede this is also my H exactly! He is so creative when it comes to anything mechanical- he is a genius at building cars, bikes, motorcycles which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, but have realized this is his special interest area and that is the only place where he truly thrives. Honestly if he could just be in the garage tinkering all day he would be content. It just makes me so sad because he simply cannot do all the other things needed in an adult partnership. I thought love could be enough, but it isn't. Part of my guilt I suppose too- when he is not being horrid and childish, he is a fun guy. But really since covid, the fun guy part fell away and the older he gets, the worse it gets. So many threads just say LTB and it literally took me over a decade to do so.

Ap@nl55 ihd typed an answer ealier do somehow forgot to press ‘Post’ 🫣🫣

seeing that your dcs are (young) adults, I think this changes things quite a lot.
Them taking a real active role in keeping the house clean should be pretty normal. So is doing some of the cooking etc…. That wouldn’t worry me too much.

Id be much more worried about them becoming his carer.
Yes I think it’s normal for them to take on some of the load. But that’s not the same as becoming your father’s carer.
Seeing their age, and knowing you had a discussion around ‘will dad cope?’, I’m wondering if they also didn’t stay out of a sense of duty, subconsciously knowing he would need them.

I would have a chat with them. Remind them that it’s ok for them to change their mind and decide they want to live with you (all or part of the time).
Id tell them that looking after dad isn’t their responsibility. They’re entitled to their own life. Helping is nice. Him being fully dependent on them is much more of a problem. They might decide to take on that role. For a short while, or long term. But I’d remind them they don’t have to iyswim. It is abd should stay a choice on their part.

At the very least, they can propose him to have a cleaner coming in. Separate tasks so that they take care of their stuff and takes care of his stuff (like clothing). Any other possible arrangement that would make everyone’s life easier if they chose to stay.

Please don’t move back in!

It is very clear that his autism is creating major issues re looking after himself. But you are getting divorced, his dcs will soon fly the nest (as they should do). He’ll need support but support is only going to be there if he isn’t accepting it (I would probably have something in place so that either you or your dcs help organise putting that support in place).
How do you think he’ll take to the idea of having a cleaner/gardener coming ovecregularly?

@SpecialMangeTout thank you for your suggestions. I am going to have a chat with him and then also with my girls. The worry you mention about them being his caretaker is exactly what kept me locked in place for so long. I did not want that to fall to them, but I am seeing now that it is and it is too much for them to manage on their own. I must tread lightly because even the smallest suggestion is taken out of context and overblown into a full on condemnation of him. The victim mind set he lives in is unending so I need to be as compassionate as possible even when he is in a rage. it is exhausting.

@MySocksAreDotty just wanted to say IME a childhood dx and growing up in this understanding world makes a massive difference. My kids are older teens now and both dx early teens. They are very intolerant of DHs challenging ways and very good at handling themselves, they know their boundaries, they understand give and take, their impact on others, how to build a life that works for them but also allows them to interact well. I’d say its just not comparable with a late Dx adult, particularly man, as we often discuss on this thread. That said it is a big deal and a lot to deal with, i just wanted to share a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. My boys are lovely kind considerate and capable young adults.

First time poster here- split with the father of my child just over a year ago due to knowing I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. But recently been reading more and more into it and reading your comments I understand so much! My ex couldn't function or do any menial every day tasks it simply does not cross his mind. He is simply unable to complete any tasks that are boring or mundane and will only do things he finds enjoyable. I couldn't rely on him for anything. I remember having an operation not long after DS was born and coming home to an absolute shit show and seeing the kettle in the living room on the floor?
Same with power tools everywhere. Constant hoarding of unnecessary crap and leaving it all over and moving it caused the biggest problem! Since he lives alone his flat is a shit hole. Probably not even safe for my child to stay there but to be honest my child very rarely does. I've accepted I'm a single parent with very little help. It scares me to death to think of what would happen if I wasn't around.
I found ex's behaviour quite abusive at times and ultimately it made me a really angry very resentful person and I couldn't live that way anymore. There are of course so many other things I could mention. But it really is so different parenting with someone who literally cannot function and cannot remember or plan ahead for anything. It is exhausting. I also find anything is taken as a critisism even such as giving directions 'do you not think I know where I'm going?' Etc etc. I think a lot of it is demand avoidance too they simply cannot cope with life demands even if they know it's necessary.
I really don't know what the answer is here just feel for all you in the same position as this definitely didn't come to light until having children with him.

Belated thank you for the new thread.
I just have to concur and sympathise with everyone else, sadly, on the DH response to my being ill. Reading all of your insights about the feelings he might be having behind it is really interesting to me.

I could literally starve to death if I’m ill enough to be in bed. He doesn’t check in with me at all. If I literally phone him for help, or food, he will be very short and huffy with me. When he’s ill, of course I am hovering around offering things constantly because it’s the right thing to do. And like others have said l, my DH often refuses to take painkillers. My DC do this too. I just don’t understand it.

I also worry about the future when I am elderly too but he’s pretty clear about his future plans which I don’t figure in unless as some kind of passenger to that trajectory. The plans are very much in line with his special interests. So I have long term thinking to do about all that but day to day life with DC is all consuming at the moment.

@nl55 maybe it’s your dcs rather than you that need to lead those conversations with your ex.

There is the autism but I imagine the fact you’ve decided to separate won’t put you in his good books and he is likely to brush of any suggestion from you just because of that iyswim.

Are your dcs all going to Uni/further education now?
Are they actually likely to stay living with him for much longer?

We currently have family visiting from abroad so the whole routine is disrupted. It's just one thing after the other at the moment and I know my DH isn't getting a chance to relax and recover. I'm having to come up with reasons why he can't join on days out and has to stay home to convince him to take some time for himself. I think in this respect he's a bit different from a lot of the partners discussed here. He doesn't really have a special interest that he disappears into.

Anyway, I find it difficult supporting him in recovering (or at least not worsening) the burnout. I can't help but have this feeling of resentment bubbling within me. My brain is screaming "Where is my break??? Who is looking after me????". We have a horrendously difficult and stressful year behind us. Both of us. Yes, I have different (but not necessarily better) abilities to cope but I too am struggling. And now I have something else to worry about and someone else to care for. We used to be a great team but now I'm just mothering everyone I guess. But where is my mother?

@ThischarmingHam Okay what is it with the painkillers?? I've never encountered this before but my DH too refuses to take painkillers when, shock horror, his body is experiencing pain that could be helped with by medicine.

Thank you for the suggestion, that is a really good idea. My youngest is still in high school- 2 years to go and my oldest has 1 more year in university so she has one foot out the door. I know my oldest can see what is happening, but I think my youngest may still be too upset about us splitting up that for her it may be too much to deal with. Thank you again for your kind suggestion.

@bunhead1979 thank you so much for telling me about your lovely boys. I found that so reassuring to hear. I just hope I can be the parent that he needs now.

@earlycats I really related to your post. I’m often in a similar situation since my DH alexithymia means he really struggles with the self knowledge to avoid burnout. I often have to point out that he’s showing signs and ask him to step back.

I do take time for myself as well, or I would crumble. But to do this I’ve had to lower expectations (therefore demands) a lot, ask for help and pay for help. Sending a hug. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard year.

I also had a painkiller refuser to deal with. When I asked it’s because he doesn’t do drugs.

@nl55 I have often said to my teen that a child/teenager is not responsible for looking after their parents. It’s the parents job to look after the children. DC is very conflicted by his feelings towards his father and feels like he has to look out for his father because his father has no one else. Sometimes I do feel resentment because why is an autistic teen having to be the accommodating one. Is that not the parents job.

Thank you @Crunchingleaf . I have also told my daughter that it is not her job to protect us or to be our emotional support. I told her it is their job to be a teen, be in school, hang out with friends, and enjoy life because all too soon she will be an adult. Now that I have been out of the marriage for nearly a year, I am seeing more & more that it is possible she and her sister feel like they need to look after him.

@MySocksAreDotty It's partly that and then he has this strong belief that he can't show "weakness". He has an image of himself in his head, which was formed many many years ago and he refuses to change it. Part of this image is that he's "a grafter" and "a hardworking man". Which is ridiculous because he's honestly neither but twenty years ago, he decided that's his personality and he refuses to back down. It's like in his head he's some Thomas Skinner type but the reality is more Noel Fielding. I suppose that's the issue with lacking a real sense of self. I wish he was able to grow and move on from this. But if I think too hard about it I get back to the thoughts of not wanting to spend the rest of my life like this.

I'm considering counselling for him/me/us. Has that actually worked for anyone's relationship?

@nl55 im sorry I didn’t realise your youngest is still in high school.
Youre right in saying she is probably too young + still dealing with the split to ask her to take anymore on.

Theyre all having to grow up too fast aren’t they?

Well done for having the courage and wisdom to split up. You did the right thing. I stayed with a man just like yours for far too long (until the youngest child was 18). I did it because I knew they would not be safe with him and I thought he would insist on shared custody. Maybe he wouldn't have? I'll never know now and at least I am free of it all now ... at last!! Wish I could stop thinking about it all the time though. I've been divorced for over a year now but am still very angry and probably should have therapy!

Your description of your ex is uncannily like mine. Mine also left the kettle in random places. I bet if we made a list of their behaviours and touchiness triggers there would be a lot of matches. Literally impossible to parent with.