Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

@earlycats I'm considering counselling for him/me/us. Has that actually worked for anyone's relationship?

It's worked for one NT/ND couple I know but he had had extensive counselling when younger and they love each other a lot. The counselling helps with the communication challenges that both know exist.

The key in that marriage though is that both know he is ND and he is willing to acknowledge it and compromise - as is she. It's 50/50.

If either person basically thinks they're fine and it's the other partner who needs to change, I shouldn't think it's likely to work.

@earlycats yes we had some counselling. My DP managed to turn every conversation to himself. Our counsellor would ask me a question and after a few words my DP would butt over the top and say what HE thought or how HE felt. The counsellor would repeatedly gently have to steer it back to me. We tried to work on communication issues as DP was saying our arguments were caused by poor communication. I wasn’t really in agreement. I felt they were caused by him!!! But I didn’t voice that explicitly. DP would say he felt criticised whenever I told him he’d upset me and that this was the issue and this was why it turned into arguments. But for me the issue was that (a) he had upset me - usually because he had snapped at me for no reason, got frustrated because I didn’t understand what he meant when he thought he was being perfectly clear, was giving me the silent treatment for some unknown crime of mine or picking fights and criticising and generally being quite horrible. I wanted to address those things!!! And (b) when I’d tried to talk to him about these behaviours and how they’d upset me he would say I was criticising him and then he would get MORE upset than me and make the issue about my poor communication and criticism of him.

So we always seemed to avoid the issue of his behaviour, as he always managed to make it about how I was communicating and how that made HIM feel!

The counsellor wasn’t a ND specialist. I didn’t clock my DP was likely ASD back then. The counsellor gave us work to do, like practicing saying things to each other which focused on how we felt rather than what the other one did. It had limited success as DP struggled to do this and kept finding fault with the process!

Oh my, I could have written this. Reading this thread is so therapeutic.

Anyone else's DH is unable to manage money? It's so stressful.

I've been divorced for over a year now but am still very angry and probably should have therapy!

@Kerryoh I can empathise here. My thoughts about why I feel so angry anytime I have to deal with him is partly because of the way he causes so much stress and anxiety to DC. But also because I had to push down my emotions for so long. I couldn’t ever be upset, frustrated, annoyed or angry because it always resulted in him lashing out at me. I think those emotions can’t just be buried and ignored forever.

Marking my place. This is such a source of support 🫶

Yes that is s big issue for us. Before we had kids he was self employed and never kept aside his tax, and he always got embarrased about it and kept secrets until it spiralled.

since then, so for 20 yrs and with his full agreement, i deal with all the money and he gets an allowance (as do i, but it just means all the bills are paid and he can do what he wants with that fixed amount of money- otherwise he’d just spend £££ on every new hyperfocus hobby)

i absolutely hate having the pressure of dealing with all the money and paperwork, and when i need to talk to him about money problems he gets defensive and upset. Also when we eat out in company etc he always has to ask me about paying, i feel like his mum. i hate how its all down to me and i’m a spoilsport if i say no to things we cant afford.

Adding my 2c on counseling and money matters

1. We tried marriage counseling and IT DID NOT WORK. I have been in individual therapy on and off throughout the years as well always thinking about what could I do better, what can I change, how can I make this work. When we went to couples counseling the main thing I wanted to address was his complacency in decision making and partnership because we were falling into the trap of me mothering him. This was well before I knew anything about ASD. The problem was the counsellor then layed it all back on my shoulders and saying he was just being considerate of my feelings when he was asking me to make decisions for us. It was maddening- the whole reason we were going is because I couldn't bear the burden of making 99.9% of the decisions any more, so in the end it did no good and I still ended up frustrated and continuing to make the decisions & plans. Fast forward to 2023 when I finally began to extricate myself. He wanted to try couples counseling again and I said no, that we each needed to go to individual therapy first this time. I continued with mine as is, and it took him 5 months to find a therapist. 5 months! Once he did finally get an appointment, he said he was not sure why he needed to go to therapy and he did not even know what to talk about. Come to find out, he ceased therapy after about 2 months when he realized we were likely not getting back together. Makes me sad, but in the end if he was not seeing a benefit from it or did not know what it was for, it was just going through the motions to try to keep stringing me along.
2. finances- no he did not deal with anything money related. I had to keep a buffer in the checking account each month because his overspending was out of control. Now that we are in two separate homes, I am not sure how he is managing bills. I suspect parents might be giving him $ and I do fear my oldest is helping him stay organzied- I saw her handwriting on a bill due date the other day. While this is very kind and a good life skill for her, it just further enables him to be dependent.

What is getting on my nerves currently is that he just can’t make me feel better about anything. I’m at home all the time with young kids and it’s overwhelming at times. When I say I’m struggling or my god today has been so hard he will always reply yeah my day has been hard also. I just want a hug or a I’m sorry you are do amazing or something. I don’t want a comparison or a fix I just want I suppose a validation that it’s hard but it’s ok. Arghhhhhhhhhhh it’s insufferable!

Absolutely get this. I think my DH feels there is only a finite amount of available happiness in the world and only a finite amount of sympathy. Any sympathy I get means less for him, so he has to fight me for it. And if he has a bad day it must be because I am hogging the happiness.

It’s like having a jealous 5-year-old sibling rather than a partner.

@Bunnyhair Ive absolutely no idea what’s going on in his brain. All I know is that he is incapable of understanding that feelings are valid and allowed. It doesn’t mean anyone is at fault, especially him because then it will all just get worse. He is at fault though, faulty of not accepting my feelings. I’ve asked him about his feelings in the past about stuff and he just doesn’t appear to have any. Surely there must be some somewhere. Why be with me, what does he base our relationship on. Does he love his children?!!! I’m confused.

All good questions @Simplefoke

My DH is the same. Words of affirmation don’t feature as one of his love languages. He’s not one for praise of any kind. Very rarely I get a “you’re good at that BlueTick” and I’m stunned. He also has a void of feelings relating to validation. He doesn’t need any so doesn’t give any out.

He has a very high tolerance for discomfort in many situations for example at work or in the gym. He is borderline masochistic in my view. As a result he sees my moans as simple not being strong enough. Not enjoying the struggle which he seems to gain something from. It’s quite odd how his mind works. We are so different. As I’ve said to him regularly “you are not an uplifter”. He doesn’t help me believe in myself, quite the opposite and that has had a profound effect over the last 20 years I’ve been with him. I have existed rather than thrived.

It’s so tricky when you know there is very little common ground in terms of how you understand the world, but you can’t even work out what his experience is like because he’s not able to communicate it.

I do think we all experience ‘love’ to mean very different things, and love things in different ways. I think my DH ‘loves’ me in the same way he loves his neck support pillow, for example: I’m a useful and familiar object that he would be very distressed to be without until he found a replacement. He ‘loves’ our child very deeply and is fascinated by him and can recognise him as a person in his own right. He ‘loves’ our pets because he identifies with them - they are like little walking canvases onto which he projects his emotional life.

What’s your partner’s relationship like with his kids?

It is so painful not to get just some basic comfort from a partner. That our need for a hug or just an, ‘ah, that sounds shitty’ - something that to us feels natural and just not taxing or onerous at all - is experienced as some sort of infuriating unreasonable pressure that must be resisted.

This sounds so sad, BlueTick - it’s so important to feel valued and bigged-up from someone who’s meant to be in your corner, and who chose to spend his life with you.

My DH is actually an uplifter - it is one of the things that keeps us together and that I do enjoy about our relationship. He is generous and heartfelt with praise and thanks. Which is lovely (when things are going well).

But he really struggles with offering sympathy or comfort when things are tough. When DC needs comfort, DH either goes into denial or over-empathises, becoming very upset and dysregulated on his own part (and therefore useless in a crisis, as he needs me to look after him as well as DC).

When I’m ill or having a bad day, DH becomes grouchy and angry, as though I am doing something to him that is hugely unfair and getting away with it.

ummmm @Bunnyhair the older one annoys him because he can’t see why her behaviour is not always impeccable. He doesn’t know how to reach her. The younger one he gets annoyed with because she is hard work being a toddler. She doesn’t need any emotional support so that’s easier for him currently to concentrate on her.

Im just struggling at the moment. I have times where I feel I’m the problem. I ask too much, I want too much. Then I have times of what the hell is wrong with him. He has never confirmed he is ASD. But it’s so bloody obvious. His mum also. She is another kettle of fish. 😔 They don’t talk about anything important.

(I also think the being totally shit when your partner’s ill is often a man thing - not to generalise too wildly, but I’m thinking of all those men who demand gas and air when their partners are in labour, and can’t seem to stand it when they’re not the sole beneficiary of any caregiving going on.)

Though I also think a lot about @Daftasabroom ‘s DW and the broken leg Xmas shutdown debacle - so clearly there's not a total male monopoly on this.

I think I had PND with my youngest. I’ve no idea really as I had no support or validation.

I really hear this. The feeling of ‘am I being desperately needy?’ And the need to be a sort of interpreter between your partner and your children. And having to explain what childhood is and how it works and that kids aren’t just miniature adults or extensions of their parents’ will.

And the lack of self awareness - the attitude of ‘I’m absolutely run of the mill, middle of the road, Everyman - everyone in the world thinks the way I do and would agree with me about everything and you are crazy’

It’s so so hard.

@Bunnyhair I almost lost it this weekend on a “family holiday”. I say family holiday but I was definitely not part of it. His mum is solely focused on his brother and his gf and 2 kids. She barely said 2 words to me. Laughed at my opinions and how I put fairy lights up on our tent. Offered everyone drinks then stopped at me. I’ve never felt so awkward and stupid. It was my first time away with them and it was at a place I’ve never been but they’ve all been since childhood. I’ve struggled with them for a while.

My partner must have seen my unease and how I was being ignored. I mean they didn’t say a word to me in 3 days. I’d had enough, I very nearly told them all to shove it up their arse and to go home. But I stayed like an idiot to keep the peace as I’m not sure how he would respond . I’d look crazy probably lol. But I have a need also to be respected and to be listened to and included and feel welcome. My child had a need to be part of the play and feel welcomed. That’s the last time I will go anywhere. What I don’t like is the feeling I’m being unreasonable. But I have to live with it for my own self esteem which is shit atm.

ARGH yes this 10000%. I have read that autistic/adhd people do this to show they relate to what you are saying, AND I am also autistic and have an urge to do this when people tell me their struggles, but it is possible to override this! I HATE when I say I'm tired or stressed etc and its "Oh me too" its so invalidating. He always has to be the worst. It has made me gaslight myself for years that the exhaustion and stress I feel on the daily is NORMAL when it is absolutely not normal.

@bunhead1979 I have M.E and I have definitely made it worse listening to others. When I say I’m exhausted and I hear me too it’s so invalidating and dangerous for me. I’ve reached a stage where I don’t even bother saying I’m tired now because he will just reply me too. It’s starting to piss me off. Which doesn’t help me keep myself regulated and calm.

I feel the only way to survive is to never have any needs, never have a problem, never get sick, just be a robot then die one day. Sorry I’m just a bit mad. Or just hide out the way and hold it all in till you go bang one day then you look crazy.

I also think there’s a difference between

‘My boss does this to me and it drives me mad‘
’OMG yes, my boss does the same! It’s so annoying!’

Which seems like the ND empathy-by-shared-experience thing,

and

‘I’ve had such a hard day, and I feel really down’
’Well my day was terrible too. And I didn’t sleep well last night.’

Which is a kind of fuck you, I’m the only one who matters here thing

That's so hard @Simplefoke I have MS and I no longer talk about it at all at home cause there is no point. When you have a condition that you know is exacerbated by stress it's really hard to try to not be stressed about that!

I have basically separated myself off entirely, the kids are older teens so its a bit easier, dh and I are kind of dysfunctional flat mates, and I don't feel there is any kind of partnership going on.

I feel like a twat. My ex husband was what I assume a narcissist. I got out of that and now I’m in this. He’s not horrible he is just totally invalidating which makes me feel as rubbish as before but without the violence.

Totally relate. Dh is away a lot for work, not a stealth boast, honestly 😁. Any time i complain over the phone about anything his response is always "Don't worry I'll be home soon". Regardless if it's ' The car is making a funny noise' to ' I woke up feeling really sad today'
If I ask how that actually helps me now, this instant, he get annoyed and says he was only try to help🤨
I also gaslighted myself for years. Too emotional, too sensitive, too easily annoyed. Everything must be my fault because dh never complains about anything, unless I complain first.
I have osteoarthritis and some days the pain is tear-inducing, I don't mention it anymore as his response is always " Yeah, my <insert body part> is sore too"
What has happened over time, with us, is that I don't really share any feelings or thoughts with him anymore. We co-exist on a practical level. The saddest part is I don't think dh notices.