Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Thanks @Fidelius that was useful.
I think the thing that’s has got me is the moodiness, defensiveness about the subject and his main problem being with me telling him what to do. I get this comment a lot. He often says “it’s the way you speak to me” but I am just objecting to something he has done, hasn’t done or reacting to something yet it’s always me that’s unreasonable and my child re often think this too as I find it very hard to roll over and when he is being this way. So for example with the drink situation I had to say what I thought (which was 2 bottles was too much) and I then had to defend myself and tell everyone I was not being mean or over the top. It’s exhausting

Sometimes it's like I need to manage our lives as if he wasn't here but it's harder because he is and I don't want to exclude him from the team... although he doesn't realise there's a game on...

Thats exactly how I feel @Flittingaboutagain
With the addition that it feels like he is managing his life as if I wasn’t here too…. (But is rarely trying to include me into his plans)

That stuff is always the absolute last priority for my DH - it’s a distraction from what he’d rather be doing and It involves decisions about things that make him anxious or overwhelmed or bored to think about.

Yes to that.
And in the top of that, dh has a sense of duty, knowing he is supposed to do X and Y but being unable to do it - like spending time together as a couple or connecting with the dcs/staying in touch.
You can see he is trying some times. It also feels excruciating because it’s so forced iyswim.
So most of the time (like 95~99%), special interests win.

DW is picking DS up from Uni today, she has a sore throat so asked me to take a COVID test to make sure I hadn't given it to her. Neuroticism and blame seeking in one short txt. I was clear.

Then there was the Christmas day I broke my leg, the kids were little, DW went to bed until the day they went back to school. In hindsight it was an AS shutdown but I didn't know that at the time. Fortunately my mum lives not far away.

She drove me home after major spine surgery on the inside lane of a motorway that was massively rutted by HGVs. She refused to speed up to move into the middle lane - she did pull into a services so I could get some morphine down me.

She's the only girl I know that gets man-flu.

She spends at least 16 hours a week on self diagnosis for her "issues"

Hi all, long time lurker here! I live with my ex and our kids. He is now very clearly an autistic man who's also an alcoholic. I'm sure you lovely lot will understand just how difficult he is to live with.

But he didn't use to struggle with things like he does now and I feel that having kids has made him extra sensitive to almost everything. Before we had kids there were a few signs of his autism but he functioned normally and we went to music festivals, gigs, travelled the world, etc., and he was happy and calm.

Fast forward 15 years and three kids and he's in a bad way. Can't tolerate any noise from the kids or me, literally sits there with his hands over his ears, ticks, stutters, ignores us all most of the time and then suddenly talks at us about random stuff for ages, obsesses with whatever he's obsessed with at the time, lives in his own bubble unaware of use around him, doesn't look after the kids at all, doesn't really interact with them... the list goes on and on.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Can having kids and all the busyness that comes with them cause someone to become 'more autistic'?

Thanks x

@Trappedmumof3 sorry to hear life is hard. I’ve had a similar experience. My DH also has chronic pain however. He’s being pushed into autistic burnout on a much more regular basis I think by the kids’ noise and hectic ness. And my eldest we are pursuing a diagnosis for now, so dealing with his escalating meltdowns is hard too. I think it’s massively increased sensory input, increased social communication is required, lack of soothing from special interests etc.

Do you mind me asking about how your DH alcoholism set in? My H drinks nearly daily and it’s something I’m hugely concerned about. 😨

I would definitely identify with that. Kids just add so much pressure, they always have to be the priority, they are unpredictable and you never get any time “off duty” to recharge.

Our problems got a lot worse when we had kids, as all this was happening, and the disparity in our contribution to it all became very apparent.

basically i do everything and lead everything and drive everything cause he gets overwhelmed. I am autistic too so i am always completely burnt out, but someone has to keep the show on the road.

@Trappedmumof3 yep, I can identify with that too. I think it’s the unpredictability and the fact they have to come first that are making them so overwhelmed (well at least with dh).

Dh got much better as soon as both dcs were at Uni. 😢😢

@bunhead1979 🫂🫂
Its unfair isn’t it?

My DH manages not to be overwhelmed by DC because of his capacity to switch all of his senses off at will. So he can endure a lot of DC’s extreme behaviours better than I do, which is helpful. (Though in some ways also unhelpful - he’ll offer himself as a human shield if he notices DC is attacking me, but he won’t think with me proactively about how to work with DC to reduce the violence - he just responds in the moment by vanishing into dissociation while being pummelled and spat at)

He can relate to a lot of DC’s very intense niche special interests, which is really helpful in bonding with DC.

But he remains so switched off all the time that it is like the world outside his own mind doesn’t exist at all. He never has any idea what day it is or what month or whether it’s morning or afternoon. All he’s eaten in weeks is frozen peas.

He doesn’t know when school terms happen or when the bins are collected or what DC will eat or what the PIN is to his bank card, or where his bank card even is. He’s been locked out of PayPal and Amazon for not paying for things / forgetting his password and then forgetting to reset it over and over and so can’t buy anything on his own. He also can’t make any decisions about practical things so I have to buy his clothes for him like a child when his clothes fall apart. He doesn’t know which are the laundry tablets and which are the dishwasher tablets - and can’t seem to work it out by reading the packets.

He needs me to tell him every time what buttons to press on the washing machine, in what order, and if I ask him to Google it he gets arsey, and when I tell him his eyes are just flat and blank and I know he’s not taking in anything I say, and instead is thinking about the migratory patterns of various birds, or whether ‘dark yellow’ is an olive colour or a mustard colour, or something else of particular theoretical fascination for him.

I feel like I am running a care home sometimes. And I’m not doing it very well, because I have no support or infrastructure, and nobody I can consult, and no budget, and no respite, and I can’t go home at the end of a shift to an environment where I can feel calm and maybe even do something for myself.

Yes I can relate to all of this @Bunnyhair I find when I speak to my friends about this there is a general gist of "all husbands are like that" yet in the same conversation I hear their husbands are looking after some home renovation, or the car insurance, or cooking dinner, or taking kids to a doctor appointment, booking a holiday etc. This is NOT THE SAME. My husband has never done any of these things. Before we moved house last time I said "I cannot do this alone, it is too much, I have too much on my plate" and he agreed and said he would help, he did nothing, I did everything, the mortgage, the finding removals, the prepping the (ASD) kids emotionally for a big move, the money etc etc blah blah blah.

People joke about their husband being an extra child, but its different, as you don't expect these "partner tasks" to be done by a child.

God yes. The absolute willingness, in theory, to help and lighten the load (because DH’s self concept is one of being a good person and an equal partner) - and then no action, no followthrough whatsoever, except maybe to anxiously query any decision I make because WHAT IF…? and interrogate me relentlessly about whether I’ve thought about X, Y and Z potentially catastrophic outcomes and how do I propose to protect us all from the possibility of any change whatsoever, without ever coming up with any suggestions or solutions himself, just picking a billion holes in every idea I put to him.

And then the rapid disappearance into catatonic passivity and blankness. And then resisting furiously anything positive that happens as a result of my organising it.

How do you think those men would fare if they were living on their own?
How did they cope before getting married?

I was on the last thread talking about my bf who just prioritised his special interest all the time. At Easter he booked himself a trip abroad when I was on holiday, connected to his hobby when I said it was upsetting he'd chosen to go away when I was off work, he told me he couldn't be expected to think about when school holidays were (after 5 years??!!!). He then spent almost the whole of bank holiday working - to fund his hobby - and set aside a few hrs for seeing me, but fell asleep as so tired from working such long hours with no time off. He realised I was upset, but told me it was unfair, as he never gets upset. He just had no ability to connect his choices with an impact on me / why I would be sad. So I decided to end it. He told me he is inexperienced in relationships, and is single minded, so does things differently from others, so needs help in a relationship, but he'd accept my decision. We'd had the same conversations multiple times about me explaining I just wanted him to set aside time with me / do things with me rather than him filling his time with work, hobby, exciting trips then giving me a few hours to have coffee.

Anyway - I've been on a couple of dates with someone new, and it's just amazing having a proper 2 way enjoyable conversation. I don't think I'd realised how far from mutually enjoyable interactions my time with ex was.

That's a long ramble - but I want to say thank you to the thread & the people that told me he'd never change. I'd shrunk my needs more and more, and I was sadder and sadder.

Mine lived on takeaways but has now learned to cook a couple of dishes and even do DIY. I think he has got worse since children (particularly when they answer back!) and with age ( remember Victor Meldrew) and having a formal diagnosis is often used as a get out of jail card in my view. I think he would manage ok on his own but tell everyone how hard everything is and he doesn't eat. He told everyone that when I went away for a holiday and turns out he ate really well cooking for himself or whatever I had left in the freezer as well as the odd takeaway. Mind you he never thinks to wash towels or change bedding.

I can say I relate heavily to the feeling that a person appears to become ‘more autistic’ following arrival of children.
Before DC was diagnosed I hadn’t a notion about autism and I was young and mostly concerned about going out with my friends, going to gigs. Once DC came along it felt like I had two children instead of one. If I went somewhere for a few hours and came back I would find a hungry and thirsty DC because no body told ex DC would get hungry. Long term it takes a massive toll having to think of absolutely everything to allow the other parent be able to function briefly as the main parent while you are elsewhere.

My ex seems to manage life now to an okay degree but he only has himself to look after. He has work which seems to be his entire identity and then sees DC for a few hours at a time every few weeks. If I get him to do something for DC like bring him for an appointment it’s actually more hassle then it’s worth because I have to break the task down for him and even then there is endless questions. Even after all these years I don’t really understand how DC has dentist appointment at 2pm isn’t enough to allow him to complete the task. I know ex thinks I am a bitch for all the times I got annoyed with his endless questions.

@CatsLikeBoxes best of luck for the future. Sometimes you really need to think of yourself.

Glad you're happier @CatsLikeBoxes

@SpecialMangeTout When I take the DC away, DH lives on tinned fish. Quick, cheap and easy. I'd also say healthy if it weren't for the risk of mercury poisoning.... 😟

@Trappedmumof3 When I had DD1, DH was more stressed than the other new dads I knew but it took me a while to work out why. Noise, unpredictability, nappies, no downtime, etc. He got his official diagnosis when DD was about 7.

Noise cancelling headphones have been brilliant for him and he wears them all the time both at home and out.

@Daftasabroom What are/were DW's parents like? Do they understand or support either of you in any way?

@LoveFoolMe I never met DWs dad but by all accounts he wasn't much of a family guy. Obsessed with work, not much to chat about apparently. Her Mum is lovely but doesn't give much away. Of the seven children from DW and her sisters five are ND of various types.

My side, me ADHD, probably my Mum too. DBro, dyslexia and dysgraphia, out of his three DCs, 1 x dyslexia, 1 x ADHD, 1 x ND but waiting to find out.

Mine didn’t cope very well at all unless he had a girlfriend or group of benevolent housemates looking after him. But this only came to light a couple of years into our relationship as he had lots of stories about how he’d chosen to be rootless and peripatetic and counterculture (when the harsh reality is he was long-term unemployed and hitched his wagon to friends and girlfriends who liked having him around because he was funny and intelligent and creative). This worked until his early 30s when everyone peeled off to settle down & have careers and that’s when he met me. 😬

And everyone laughed about how I’d ‘tamed’ him. Whereas he’d just moved into my life and promptly abdicated all responsibility for himself and kind of stopped leaving the house. 😂

That's a whole lot of different challenges and I assume no support 😟

@Trappedmumof3 this sounds impossibly difficult for you - far too much to have to deal with.

But I must also say that your H sounds desperately unable to cope with family life and desperately unhappy, even to the point of becoming really quite ill.

DBro's kind got great support once they went to college and uni, little'n not so much but time will tell.

We were really lucky as DS1 got great support prior to austerity years.

Other cousins, sweet FA.

Not sure the answer is 8.8 units. I think it’s 4.4 units. But still over the limit!

I get a weary “yes DEAR” whenever I ask DP to do something, or not do something. Doesn’t matter my tone or level of politeness. He simply sees it all as criticism. I find that “is it OK if I move this?” will illicit a better response as he is more likely to say oh no, leave it, I’ll do it in a minute. Being asked directly is me saying “you’ve left this here!” And that is a criticism. And we simply aren’t allowed to do that!!!!!