Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Thank you! 😂It's very stark for me, I spent so long trying to be everything I thought he wanted/needed because I was scared of abandonment and now I realise how much energy I wasted because he refuses to bloody go!

I really should do this. I used to sing all the time when I was young and it got me through a lot of shit times.

Welcome, Solly 😊
Be encouraged that it’s not you! None of us are easy to live with, I’m sure, but some are easier than others, and it sounds like you’re doing everything possible with virtually no positive input from him. We hear you on here!
I’ve just got rid of a partner who is very similar to your description: you start to question your self-worth, your version of reality, until you don’t know who you are and what you want/need from life anymore. All I knew was that I needed my peace restored, and that was after only about 16 months together, where the first 4/5 months was amazing.
We got stuck in a cycle of the same arguments where he’d judge and condemn me for my past ‘sins’, most of which were from before I was with him so absolutely nothing to do with him, but he just couldn’t let go. I talked to him so many times about letting the past be in the past, us having a fresh start, but he would bring stuff up again, usually after only a few days. The best we managed was 3 weeks when he was poorly and I was playing the perfect nursemaid, which is no way to conduct a relationship. There was a lot of hypocrisy on his part, and I couldn’t get him to see any parallels at all - rigid, black and white thinking. If I had a different opinion on something really inane, he’d take it as personal criticism, and would even perceive criticism when I agreed with him - I know you don’t really agree with me and are just saying that - so many negative assumptions.
Everything was blamed on my hormones - I’m honestly not THAT bad 🥴 - and he wouldn’t/couldn’t be accountable for anything, not even try to meet me 10% of the way - severe self-esteem issues, so he couldn’t bring himself to consider that he might be less than perfect.
It’s sad, yes, but nothing is worth my mental health, and I’d rather be lonely on my own than lonely in a relationship.
Do whatever you need to do to maintain your own life separate from him; build your self-esteem; plan for when you might be able to build a separate, healthier life apart from him; vent/lean on us here. 🤗

It seems a lot of people are entering into relationships with the belief that their needs are not important (myself included). Perhaps unintentionally choosing partners that are emotionally unavailable because it feels familiar. Getting so far along and realising that this isn’t beneficial or making them happy. I think it’s a bit unfair to use terms like get rid of. We have grown and our beliefs changed our partners have not. It’s not their fault. Unless they are actually abusive then they were ok at one point. It’s ok to grow and learn and want different and move on without fault. Nobody gets a reward for staying with a partner that doesn’t make them happy.

I accept that: I’ve just broken up with… 😊 No offence intended.

Thank you for responding. I’ve been in bits after an awful row this morning where he went into complete meltdown. I don’t help matters as I can get vicious but I do worry how far he’ll go when he’s like that. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks when he’s in that space - screaming, kicking things. I dread to think what our neighbours have heard.

I’m so scared to lose the family unit but I’m absolutely at breaking point.

The way I cope is to shut myself off - I’ve been doing it for years as he never wants to do the things I enjoy. I try to protect myself from the ‘no’ response so I find it less painful just not to ask.

I suppose I’ve always imagined us living together but doing our own thing as that’s pretty much how it is now. But after episodes like the one earlier, I’m not sure I can go on like this.

Feel free to pm me if ever you’d like to vent/chat. 😊

I think it’s missing the fact a lot of our dh/dP were masking to start with.
So when we started those relationship, we were not ‘accepting’ (for want of a better word) the same thing iyswim.
I also believe that dh behaviour changed a lot once we had children - because he didn’t cope well with that at all.

Basically what I’m saying is that it’s not just about you/me/NT partner suddenly realising some behaviours aren’t ok with them following some therapy/soul searching, but our partners have changed too.

I know that for myself, it’s not only that my beliefs have changed. Dh has changed too.
And some if his behaviours might have originally been driven by his autism, but I dont believe they are purely autistic either. Nothing is as simple as that and I think reducing all of our DP behaviour to autism is doing a disfavour to them and the autism community as a whole.

And yet none of this should then bring shame on our ND partners. I agree it’s about needs and beliefs and expectations. And it’s enough to say they’re not compatible.

It doesn’t really matter who has changed. Change happens in all relationships. We change and we adapt and switch direction if we need to. There isn’t much point pinning happiness on the ability of the other person to change.

Dare I ask, are you sure there is a family unit?

Your situation does not sound good, if I compare it with my situation dw and I are just two people who live under the same roof. We used to have massive fights, we can’t be arsed anymore. Things I would have lit up on a few years ago now I’m like ‘meh, whatever’

The kids know we love them, independently, very much indeed. I make sure they know that, but a family unit we are not.

If my kids were a few years older I’d be out. But I think in this time of life they need me around.

Hullo,

Not been around here for a while, but found this and thought others may find it useful.
http://www.aspergerpartner.com/15-tips-for-nt-spouses.html?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR340XUg5Y2GtwUitM9VAZc1Fm0KDwGmxgWG9GBcvN0WMnzbsbVyZttPpUA_aem_ih2um4nbmIh2AGBSp9CurQ

A blunt article - straight and to the point. Really resonates.

Just to say, someone on another NT partner support group posted that article above, to help another woman. The woman who posted it said she had finally got out after 32 years, but had read that article everyday whilst she was in the relationship.

Fascinating, so much of that rings true!

Great article. I 100% relate to the bit about being blamed for negative intentions that don’t exist. My DH blames me for his lack of career, low self esteem and general feelings of hopelessness.

It’s exhausting having everything put at my door. I keep thinking ‘How can all this be my fault?’

I unfortunately relate to having everything put at my door. It’s intolerable, illogical, and nothing more than a victim mentality that nobody should tolerate.

Try not to internalise any blame; it’s not your fault. It might not be his, unless he’s point-blank refusing to work on himself and your relationship. Sometimes things just stop working, or with a bit of reflection, we realise that they were never really working. But it’s really not your fault!

I’ve just been thinking about this and suddenly something dawned on me…..I had known DP for a few years before we got together. He was always gregarious and upbeat, charming, attentive, laughing, very sociable. This is how I knew him to be. I had seen him be very hard on the kids and lose his shit once or twice but nothing to suggest what he was like underneath. In our first year together although now I think back there clearly were some red flags (the way he spoke about his ex, some elements of controlling behaviour, he could be very self focused at times to a startling degree), still he was generally the same person I thought I knew. Then a year or so in and he started to show more of himself. I didn’t recognise him a lot of the time. He would chastise me regularly. Find fault over the smallest thing. Accuse me of criticising him all the time eg. when all I had done was repeat something I’d said the day before (he took this as criticism that I was saying he hadn’t listened when all I was doing was absent mindedly repeating something). The furrowed brow, the one word responses or just ignoring me when I spoke….. Raising his voice at me. Silent treatment over perceived slights. Negativity about everything. Rudeness. It really threw me. Nothing was good enough. I probably should have left him then. I paid for therapy but he would hijack the sessions and say us not getting on was down to our poor communication. It wasn’t really. I mean certainly there were better methods of communicating with him ans I still employ some of the strategies our counsellor tried to teach us. But in the main he was actually just really horrible to me. He may have told the counsellor that we needed to just communicate better but to me he would tell me I just needed to “stop fucking up all the time”. The language he used to use was awful and abusive.
I used to say to him that I didn’t recognise him. Ask why he was no longer happy (I tried so hard to change myself to be more the person he seemed to want and to stop upsetting him all the time. Of course I could never predict what would upset him. It could have been anything! So I would never be able to become what I thought he needed!). I would ask where the happy man I fell in love with had gone? He could still seem to do this for his kids and for friends who came over. Just not me. And he would snap back at me “I’m sorry I’m not PERFORMING for you!!!”

Now the penny has dropped. I didn’t know what he meant. Why was being happy a performance?! I even remarked how sad that he equated being happy with performing. But I see now what he meant. He said “performing”
bit he clearly meant “masking”!!! He is able to mask for his kids (most of the time), his friends, at work….. but it’s masking and he could not do it at home when he is relaxed. Not with me.

I work hard to try and ensure he is genuinely happy as he is much better to be around when he is. I don’t want him to have to mask or perform. I want him to be actually happy! And mostly he does seem to be. It’s a hundred times better than it was. He does take antidepressants now as well and has done an anger management programme and this does help a lot. He can veer back into moody and critical and angry and horrible if he forgets to renew his prescription.

It’s only just dawned that this performance he kept referring to and still does put on for other people is the masking! God how stupid am I to only just realise this!!!!!!

@BustyLaRoux everyone puts on a performance of some kind. I’m definitely different at work to mum me to friend me. We all need to play roles. All relationships settle after a while and many people struggle with the person they settled with. Nothing strange about this at all. It’s about compromise. If it’s too much to compromise then you make a choice to stay or go. The thing to remember is that most of the time we don’t go back to that person who we first were at the beginning. I’m definitely not the person I was when I met my partner at the start, I was much better behaved lol…but I’m more or less similar.

@Solly554 that sounds really frightening. I hope you’re OK. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you describe (moods, perceived criticism, negativity). It’s hard to stay positive. DP is doing much better, but when he does slip back it’s really upsetting to be around. I am fortunate insofar as he can listen and will make changes. I couldn’t stay with him otherwise. I’m so sorry that you’re enduring such awful scary behaviour. It isn’t you. It really isn’t. Please don’t think you’re to blame.

Perhaps this is where I struggle rhen because I am the same wherever I am. Work, with partner, as a parent, a friend…. I am just the person I am. DP reference to performing always confused and hurt me. Why can he do it for everyone else and not me? Why is being happy a performance? What an awful thing to say! But I think on reflection he just meant masking. He was masking.

I’m unsure @BustyLaRoux I come home form the demands of work or a hard day with the kids and I can put my feet up and take off my mask as such. I can’t be me at work as I would get in trouble, eg I dislike wearing shoes but this is required at work. I have a customer facing job and I smile and breezy but I don’t really like people as such so when I’m home I can take that off. But who I am under my mask is quite free and childlike, I like to think I have a nice personality. Other people might not be that nice.

Agree with you 💯 Busty. My dw is pro level at it, I don’t think any of her friends or family would even for a moment consider ASD. And this is why I’ve never discussed it with any of my friends who know her. I don’t believe for a second they would believe me. And she masked with me for years and years and years, it was only after the ASD penny dropped about 4 years ago, and all the little jigsaw pieces fell into place, that I realised about the masking. Everything now makes a lot more sense than it did back then.

@Rainbow03 i agree about putting on a performance. I’m not the same at home than when I’m with clients.
BUT I dont think the difference is so stark.

What I mean is that I’m not playing an act, I’m not becoming a different person (eg being happy and jolly and gregarious when I’m actually an introvert that can’t stand noise and mayhem). I tend to bring to the fore certains aspects of myself and tone down others. But I’m still me iyswim?

Which is different to pretending to have a completely different persona. And I think masking is that. It’s making yourself look like what you think others will appreciate and expect. Not the real you. Not toning down some aspects of you.

eg looking happy in groups and looking like you enjoy small talk when you actually hate it.

Thank you for that link.

That point below has always been an issue for me
Drop the hope of achieving a ping-pong conversation with your AS-spouse. Drop the hope of reaching reciprocity and a common understanding. Instead, communicate your conclusions about what is important to you.
The way I function is that I tend to talk through my problens. Being able to share them and discuss possible solutions helps me gain clarity. Obviously not possible with dh 😢

People who are ND have disordered thinking, it’s not a performance as such is the disorder, it’s what being ND is.