Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

@MissionBiscuits I sleep with my 2 year old till she is asleep. I absolutely love this time with her. The rest of the time is screaming, shouting, throwing, climbing….Im so so overwhelmed with it all day long. I love her to bits but my god it’s sensory input after input and I want to pull out my hair!

^I think we have another good sign. He's been going on about needing time and space to himself as he's introverted. And autistic. He said he felt run down and needing a space to himself. Otherwise he is gonna collapse. He said it wasn't personal and that he needs this time. I suggested we spend this weekend apart. Because we've spent a lot of time together during the week and it would make sense. I have errands to run and he can rest. Okay, fine, but he's been texting me all weekend saying how much he misses me and he actually wanted to do this this and this with me.
Okay. So this has happened before if he spends time without me, he actually would rather. I was there and he misses me so he's not as needing his own space as I thought^

I’ve experienced this a lot. What I realised was that it was about having the option. He didn’t interact much when he was there, but he liked having the choice. When I wasn’t there he didn’t have the option. In other words, the control. And it was the lack of control he did not like, not being away from me.

Thank you @Rainbow03 for so generously sharing those insights.

I guess I don’t really want to present everything so that he feels no blame. I want to have a mutually accountable relationship where we can communicate and each admit wrongs. Perhaps that is beyond his capacity as and I need to think more about that. I feel at my limit for accommodations/ acceptance which sounds very horrible but it’s burn out of a kind really.

@MySocksAreDotty I don’t blame you. It was extremely challenging for me to accept blame for some of the failings of my relationships. I wanted to form better relationships and I wanted to find out why I always struggled. If your partner doesn’t want to then I wouldn’t blame you.

@Rainbow03 thank you for your insight. It’s really helpful.

@MySocksAreDotty i can relate to that too.
I think feel we all have our own capacity, some quite small, some quite large to adjust, adapt for the sake of our partner/the relationship.
But we end up depleted, often because the effort isn’t matched by something similar by the other person, then I dint think any of us should feel guilty about it. You’ve given your best shot!
And i mean that nit just fir an ASD/NT marriage. I think it would be true in an NT/NT marriage too.

Depleted is the right word, I think! When you’re constantly battling to communicate effectively and consider alternative POV, whether ND is involved or not, it becomes so draining for both partners involved. I don’t think it’s a case of anyone being to blame: some people are just a better fit for each other than others.

Fascinating @Rainbow03, thanks for sharing!

No worries 😉 I thought I’d just share my little brain. Yesterday for example I’d forgotten something (again) I remember Jack shit although I have the best intentions. My partner rolled his eyes at me. In that moment I could have lost myself in panic. Just a simple eye roll gesture was enough to knock me. Do I have a go at him, do I sulk off, do I go silent, so many possibilities to do and I’ve learned that some will punish him and some me. In the end I went with stupid ADHD oh well and let it go. Most people don’t need this calculation or it’s just done automatically, it’s not for me. It’s a series of thoughts I have to make because I don’t want to hurt someone or myself.

@Rainbow03 your insights are so valuable, but I wonder if you are a bit too hard on yourself. You seem quite self-aware and are actually doing the work to try to improve your relationships whereas my H and probably a few others on this thread are not like that, they either think others are the problem, use it as an excuse not to try or just can't be bothered.

@MySocksAreDotty it is definitely a burn out, that's basically where I'm at now. I'm very close to being in a financial position to leave, but the thought of actually dealing with the practicalities is really overwhelming.

I also feel so lost when it comes to the best way to approach it because I don't know how he's going to respond. Do I tell him what I'm planning to do, in which case he may become aggressive (not physically, but he's a big bloke with a loud voice, as our therapist keeps having to remind him) or at least behave like an arsehole and create a terrible atmosphere at home, or do I get my ducks in a row and then drop the bomb and run (bit tricky with kids in tow).Do any of you who've already left have any advice?

@MissionBiscuits that’s what I was trying to say. The other person has to want to get to grips with their side of the relationship. I want to keep the other half of my relationship because he is good and he makes me feel I’m an ok person. If he sent me into a panic I don’t know how I’d feel, I’d probably be hung up in fight/flight to even start. I’ve realised self regulation is the most important thing to me. I don’t want a partner who impedes this. I have learned self respect. I have ADHD yes and it is hard sometimes but I’m worth having a good life and “I” have to put work in to get this. But that’s me. Lack of self awareness and self esteem will kill any relationship I think. We have to learn we can’t always have our own way.

I realise I sound quite clinical and quite self oriented. It’s how I face the world. I don’t know the feeling of love, I don’t use the word (I say it to my children because I think I should). What I know is the way a person makes me feel. For example my partner is part of the world that makes me feel safe and he listens to me and knows I forget and I’m not very cuddly. We are compatible if you break it down.

@Rainbow03 fir me, you’re not coming across either as clinical or as ‘self orientated’
You are coming across as someone who is very self aware and mindful. Both of yourself and of other people.
You know what your needs are. You know where your own challenges are.

Its quite impressive tbh.

And yes lack of self awareness is a killer.

@Rainbow03 thanks again for the example you gave about the eye roll. My DH often says he is working on our relationship but I don’t really understand how. Your example gives me an insight. For me, if my partner eye rolled it wouldn’t create a decision point, but maybe reacting appropriately is a conscious decision for him, hence the idea that he’s ‘working’ or ‘trying’ a lot, in a way that I don’t comprehend.

I agree with PPs that you’re amazingly self aware, you’ve helped me more than you know to try to create a mental model of my DH behaviour ❤️.

My pleasure. We don’t know the inner workings of someone’s inner world. These processes that often come natural do not for everyone. Internal work and change is exhausting and it takes lots and lots of repetition. Just imagine it’s everything you think, every single thought all day long. I’m sure it’s hard having been on the other end. Perhaps if there is any energy left more praise for what seems so small on the outside. When he says he’s trying, maybe he really is. Maybe it’s not enough and that’s fine, compassion isn’t infinite.

My ex husband had ADHD. He was simply unable to look within and deal with his triggers. I don’t blame him but I ran out of compassion eventually, I had tried to change and accommodate so much I become someone else, someone I didn’t like.

Mine kept it up for years. We lived together for years before getting married, and it was once married that things changed. I’ve been threatened with divorce multiple times and I think that your last sentence explains a lot. He can’t stand the slightest bit of criticism, even if he hasn’t been criticised and it’s only perceived by himself. He shows very little interest in me, he wears sound blocking headphones at home and huffs when I try to talk, we spend evenings and even eat separately. Last week he said the most horrendous things to me. But the next day it’s forgotten and back to normal. Forgotten by him anyway, I don’t forget. Then he wonders why I have very little interest in being intimate.

Crikey your husband and my wife sound incredibly similar, not much fun as the other party is it 😔. My situation changed markedly not after we were married but after we had kids.

i could actually deal with a lot of it if she had some ability or desire to communicate, but unfortunately she hasn’t. I long for her (well I used to at any rate) to say something to me like, ‘can you just give me a bit of space for 10 minutes’ or ‘can you not use phrases like that cos I find it hard to understand what you’re wanting’

Sometimes it’s just draining when she thinks I’m having a go at her all the time, when I’m not, simple comms does not exist and (in my case at least) a strong dislike of touch, difficulty in changing a routine, dislike of trying anything new, the list goes on.

It certainly is impressive!

A real eye-opener tbh !

@Rainbow03 may I ask, was shaming and blaming a feature of the adults around you when you were growing up, or is it almost entirely internally generated from the start?

I'm wondering if an early life where someone is accepted as they are would lead to such strong shame being less of an issue as an adult

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress its
a hard one to answer really. I wouldn’t say I was actively shamed but I have issues with making connections with people. As a child I didn’t know that I had this ADHD. I grew up thinking that there was just something wrong with me. My first child has ADHD and my second doesn’t. The connection with my first child is very different. She doesn’t see me as an adult, she sees me as the same as her. The second one is loving and hugging and looking to me as the adult and care giver. If I didn’t know better I would have thought my first was pushing me away and didn’t want me as a mum. She tells me nothing, she rarely wants a hug. But I know she does need me. She needs acceptance and buckets of self esteem. I was parented as if I was NT, it was wrong for me.

When I was small my emotions and my anxiety and fear for just basic stuff was never received so internalised it all. I had issues with food. I sought control from everywhere I could because I was never taught control of my inner world. This is what I think happens with all people but more so with people who are ND and especially those who grew up with no diagnosis. How could I not be just wrong and faulty having never been told I had a really disability. My childhood was nightmarish. My marriage was nightmarish. Everything was until I understood myself.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress sorry I rambled. To your question yes I think it would have made a massive difference to me. The internal shame and rejection I carry is bloody awful. Parents, family, friends teachers, co-workers. I was very alone for a long time. If my own mum couldn’t love me then I thought I was born wrong.

@Rainbow03 thank you ... from all I read, on the quiet you're one hell of a courageous woman (I know you're not looking for that sort of comment, but the level of pain that you've lived with and the amount of work you do to keep on top of things is enormous and I'm quite certain generally unseen).

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress I look for acceptance not attention which others cant seem to tell the difference. I have chronic fatigue syndrome now so it’s forced me to reevaluate my life. All those years of telling myself to put aside my overwhelm of noise for example. To put myself in situations above what I could deal because most people are fine, because my issue was I was too sensitive because everyone told me so. I was never too sensitive, I am the right amount of sensitive for me. I have to take back control now.