Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I should add though I left my marriage because my partner couldn’t/wouldn’t adapt to my needs once I stopped hiding them away. I have a much more compatible partner now. Who I suspect is ND.

Some people face the world internally. The ability to see beyond self isn't there or never developed. If you don’t happen to have similar self then you are simply wrong. Some are unable to understand the notion we are a mix up of childhood, personality, experience, our take on things etc etc. It maybe feels like an attack on their sense of self if you don’t think the same. You are wrong because they need to be right to feel safe.

Couldn't agree more @Simplefoke

NT, ND, whatever. Some people just can't conceive different people have different lives, experiences, conceptualizations and views.

Ugh DP had his kids here last night and this morning and it’s always the same. He cooks big messy meals and only half cleans up. He cooks them a cooked lunch in the morning to take into school and makes a big messy breakfast. It all gets left all day. My kids arrive after school on Thursdays and we cannot use the kitchen as it’s a bomb site. It’s like this every sodding Thursday! So I have to clean it before we can make any food.

I am putting plates away and he suddenly rages at me that I should ask him if I can’t reach rather than smash the plates down like I’m doing. (Or if you don’t like the way I’m doing it, you could clean up your own mess rather than criticise me!)
I said I don’t know what you mean, I’m just tidying up is all. He replies well if you can’t reach then just tell me. You’re smashing the plates down and I’ll bet it was you who broke that bowl the other day by slamming it down. (it was a plain white bowl. I have no idea who broke it. Maybe me. Maybe someone else. He noticed a hairline crack. Could have been like that for months. And he’s broken so many of my lovely fluted glasses and patterned plates which he will always say wasn’t his fault! So I’ve no idea why he’s making issue of this bowl!) Anyway, usually I stand on a chair to put the higher up things away but he has started using the chair as part of his home office. His home office is basically the whole kitchen. But he cannot organise his papers so they’re all over the kitchen table. The hearth, the floor, my chair…. I’ve asked him to move the papers on the chair twice. He says he will but then doesn’t. I don’t want to keep on so I’ve just stopped asking as he will take it as criticism and we’re not allowed to criticise him of course.

So I say well I can’t reach that shelf as well as before as I usually stand on the chair but it’s covered in your papers and I don’t want to crush them.
“oh” he rages “SO ITS MY FAULT!!!!” (Fault obsessed as always!) and he grabs the papers and hurls them at the fireplace.

I wouldn’t care but I was trying to be nice. I was trying to clear up the mess he left in the kitchen without bitching about it. I was trying to put stuff away and I didn’t want to crush his papers and was trying to be considerate. I was trying not to nag about the papers as I know he would feel criticised. And what do I get in return? Angry criticism for making too much noise putting plates away and telling me off for breaking a shitty white bowl when it probably wasn’t even me who broke it! It was probably him as he breaks tons of crockery! Angry man shouting at me and throwing papers everywhere. For what! For trying to clean up after him and not nag about something.

@BustyLaRoux Sounds similar to what goes on in this house, in fact I'm not even allowed into the kitchen area when H is there as I get in his way. When all I'm trying to do is to help tidy away so the kitchen is vaguely useable. Or, try to grab DD some breakfast but no, he is the big important man who must use the kitchen as he is the one who goes to work (this might include a sly remark about me just lazying about at home, I don't, I care for DD). Sigh...

I'm clumsy (might be dispraxia, I don't know) so will accidentally slam things or chrash about, even when trying to be gentle.

Not sure wgat to suggest, just wanted to say I hear you.

My friend had a massive scary health scare this weekend just gone, perforated ulcer. Caused from the stress of living with difficult man, who may or may not be ND (their daughter is autistic and DDs best friend) who is making life hell for her since they broke up. A reminder for me and everyone else to look after their health. Luckily she's on the mend but it was scary!

You are kind Swede, thank you ☺️

The mess and disorganisation is intolerable. I try so hard to be considerate of his lack of skill in this area. I politely ask him to tidy but don’t nag if he isn’t able to do it. I do it for him, silently grumbling to myself, but knowing it isn’t worth the aggro of mentioning it as this would set him off feeling criticised. I am a tidy person, I am ND and his mess really spirals me. But his “needs” are greater than mine. So I tolerate it. And I clean it. I knew if I stood on his paperwork to put the dishes away he would have a go at me for standing on his papers (even though I have politely requested twice that he please move them as I would like to sit in my favourite chair again one day!). So maybe the dishes clattered slightly as I am quite short and it’s a bit of a stretch if I don’t stand on the chair. It just irks that even though I’m cleaning up after his bomb site cooking which happens every single Thursday and even though I am pre emptying him feeling annoyed if I stand on his things or criticised if I ask him to move them, again, I still manage to get myself shouted at! This time as he doesn’t like the way I’m putting the dishes away. It seems so unfair…..

That is really scary! Yes absolutely, we must do what we can to look after ourselves. I am sticking with the therapy even though we are in a relatively good place now as it’s no use just reaching for this when things are rough. You have to put the work in. I have neglected my yoga and meditation and need to do more of this. I do try and see my friends and have just had a lovely weekend away staying with some old friends. I didn’t take DP with as they’re my friends really and I enjoy sitting in my friend’s bed in the morning (not with her husband, which would be weird!!! They sleep in separate rooms as it happens. Just in case anyone was 🤨) and drinking tea together and talking shit, which I can’t very well do if DP is with me!

I know I am extremely lucky to be able to do these things. It hasn’t always been the case. What do other people do, or what could people do, to try and ensure they have an outlet of some kind?

I have to disagree @BustyLaRoux his needs are not greater than yours. Thats where the issues and the resentment lie. Our needs are all equally important. You can’t change the needs you have, they remain unheard and unfulfilled seething away in the background. You pick relationships where those needs are met and you stay away from people who ignore or invalidate how you feel. You are your needs it’s what makes you you. If your needs are obviously unreasonable then therapy would help. I’ve a raging neglected little girl inside of me in the wrong situation. With the wrong people she gets very upset, it’s up to me to make sure she is cared for. It’s not selfish to want to surround yourself with a nice person.

I suppose I was being a bit dry when I said his needs are greater than mine. But also I am probably better equipped to sigh and get on with it. I’ll have a little rant but then move on as I can’t be doing with seething. I’m not really a seether! DP holds grudges and feels wounded and attacked much more than me. It’s in his head really. But it’s how he is so I am careful to just let him be.

But BLOW ME DOWN!!!! He came into the room just now and kissed me and said sorry for massively overreacting just earlier. I said oh thank you. I was trying to be helpful and clear up the mess you left and not stand on your papers or nag you about clearing them up! I was trying to be nice and didn’t think I deserved that. He said no I didn’t and he was sorry. He knew he should have done the papers and felt angry at himself for not having done them and also he should have cleaned up and not left it to me. So I kissed him and said thank you for apologising. It means something when you do. So all is well.

The old me would have got really upset about what happened. And I’d have tried to make him see how unreasonable he’d been. He would have felt attacked and would have got defensive and blamed me for everything….. I have learnt to stay calm. If I do then he will often see it for himself and I won’t need to say anything or point anything out. Result!

I had a lovely meal out with a couple of friends the other weekend, was meant to go to a festival by myself last weekend but had nasty tooth infection so didn't happen. In January I signed up to an online academy thing and they have an online drink every Thursday with an interesting host doing a talk (Sally Phillips, aka Shazzer from Bridget Jones, was on one week, she's just going through her adhd assessment now!) So I do that every week. And also 'pockets of time' as suggested by my therapist, walks, mindfulness in garden etc. In colder weather I love a bath with Epsom salts and oils etc. I've even started doing some gentle weight exercises at home!

I play in a brass band ☺️ and play tennis, ooh I have an allotment too. Basically anything I can find to do on my own in the evenings out of the house! 🤦‍♂️😂

I started therapy again too. It sounds like similar advice to you guys, about keeping on finding ways to articulate my needs and keep a sense of self going. Love the sound of all these activities! Especially the brass band and allotment, Apex - fun times!

Haha yes ☺️ I try not to take myself too seriously, and that in turn helps me keep all the rest of this shit at the back of my mind. The allotment is seriously therapeutic, and I would recommend it to anyone, even if you have a small garden or a few pots or whatever!

Fantastic! Shame about the festival. I suppose these things can’t be helped. That online drink and talk sounds brilliant! What a good idea. Pockets of time - absolutely!!!

Gosh I don’t know anyone who plays in a brass band. How wonderful! Getting out of the house is a must. Am thinking of swapping my yoga membership (as it’s expensive and I don’t use it enough) to the fancy gym where they have a lovely spa and cafe so I can just disappear at will when I need to!!!

Hello, I didn’t know this existed and I will come back soon. My name change was a couple of weeks ago as I’ve been feeling helpless. My DH is undiagnosed. It’s sad to see he is becoming increasingly anxious as he gets older. I am struggling with our lives. I will come back soon to write.

This is a really interesting idea and something I've been thinking about a lot recently.

One of DS's friends (both ASD) has struggled with identity for a while and decided he/was trans and has now started to transition back. I've known this person since they were a teenager and over the years they have really struggled - religion, sexuality, gender, degree, career. But nothing ever seems to stick. It's like they are trying on different identities to see what suits them, like clothes almost.

I see something similar in DW and perhaps in some of the DPs here who seem to throw themselves into the societal expectations of career monster or home-builder. But it's not conscious and in DWs case it sometimes appears that she is masking from herself as much as she is from the world around her.

Her self image or ego doesn't really come from within it's very much based on how she thinks other people see her

@Daftasabroom maybe it’s from growing up never being told who you are is ok. Tell me who to be and I’ll be it maybe. People pleasing behaviour. Inner self has just been put aside for so long it never develops or it’s deemed completely faulty and disconnected or it simply isn’t there or no pathway to it. It must feel very scary to not have a grip on who you are. I suspect that’s why Rainbow feels better as she is learning about who she really is instead of guessing what others think she should be. Without ego there isn’t anything I don’t think.

I wonder if the ND partners in some of the relationships on here think there NT partners are unreasonable but don’t have the ego to do anything so go along with it. That’s why they are unwilling to change.

@BustyLaRoux Totally relate to the whole "so it's my fault" scenario, I swear sometimes he starts things on purpose so he can pull out that line. It's so manipulative and it's the one thing that I know he's doing on purpose. I just tut and roll my eyes and walk away. In that scenario I'd just have stood on his papers or dumped them somewhere, you're going to get an earful either way and if they're disorganised anyway, chances are he might not even notice! Honestly I'm so bereft of fucks to give at this point, I've just generally taken to treating him like the immature twat he's being. Recognising he's probably autistic means it has just become another excuse.

Choir join a choir it’s great

I’m sorry to hear of your situation @MissionBiscuits but this made me laugh out loud when I read it

‘Honestly I'm so bereft of fucks to give at this point’

Brilliant wording 🤣

I am also very low on fucks to give 🤦‍♂️😂

Can I join please👋Absolutely at the end of my rope with my undiagnosed DH. There are so many behaviours I find unbearable but the worst are extreme defensiveness at any perceived criticism, extreme moodiness (especially in the morning), and inability to control emotions. He also holds grudges and can keep silent treatment going for days.

He has no hobbies or friends and finds it difficult to socialise so I do a lot of things on my own or with the kids. He’s always at home if he’s not working, but has a job he dislikes intensely and gets no enjoyment from.

He’s disorganised, chaotic and I find it impossible to talk to him as conversations do not flow easily. He’s very negative which I find extremely hard, and I so envy those couples I see nattering away so naturally.

I have a good job that I enjoy, I’m sociable and enjoy going out but I feel I have to limit my own experiences to accommodate his needs. He’s a good dad to our teens, but I just don’t feel I can go on like this.

I’ve tried so hard to be the positive energy in the house but I’m exhausted and just don’t want this any more. My frustration with his behaviour comes out as anger and I lash out which I’m not proud of.

This makes his behaviours worse and he’s unhappy too - I just want him to leave even for a few days but he is so attached to the house, he won’t go. It’s a mess.

@Solly554 Welcome! I think we can all relate to at least some of what you're going through. I sometimes think the negativity is the hardest thing, it just drags you down and makes you feel like there's nothing to look forward to.