Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

@Eclipseboatwoman48 hope your weekend goes well, it sounds like you've done the right thing x

Oh Mission, I’m so sorry for the control and manipulation you’ve been a victim of. However, you are not a victim; you now recognise the truth about the situations you’ve found yourself in, and the truth about those who are meant to love you; you can now start to plan to leave.
I’m making that sound terribly easy, I know, but perhaps just starting planning will help you get through the rest of the awful time you’ve got to endure until you can actually get out.
You are strong and will be able to build a life for yourself where you can ensure your needs are met, and where you can surround yourself with people who treat you as preciously as you deserve. 🤗

The question is, assuming he is being fully honest about them now, whether his beliefs and outlook will evolve over time. You're already doing better than me if you have things in common though, the only thing H and I had in common was our religion, so now we have nothing besides our responsibilities.

I am the only long-term relationship my H has ever had and he was in his early 30s when we got together. I feel like out here in the real world that would be considered a red flag.

Everyone is unique, yep, regardless of the common ‘label’ that might be applied. The differing life experiences and nuances of character mean that no two people with ASD look the same, I agree. 😊

Thank you. Girls and I had a really relaxed evening, and laughed like we haven’t in a long time.
Ex hasn’t let me know he’s arrived home safely - over 2 hours away - but he’s an adult so that’s up to him.
I’m sad it’s come to this, big I know I’ve really tried, and my peace/mental health need to come first. I do feel a huge sense of relief, I must admit….
Lazer quest and special birthday meal for my 13 year old baby today, so we’ll have fun, despite the cats n dogs descending upon us.

Having decided that I'd leave the big discussion with H until after the summer, being absolutely certain that I must 'leave', I wavered a bit over the last couple of weeks as he showed some signs of really trying and also talking about things in my past with a level of insight, understanding and empathy I had forgotten he possessed.

Then I became very unwell with an infected wisdom tooth/gums this Tuesday morning and am yet again seeing this other side of him. I managed to book an emergency dentist appointment for lunchtime and DH was going to come home as I didn't want to bring DD, plus I felt so unwell I thought the dentist might send me onto A and E (couldn't get temperature properly down with neourphen or paracetamol). At 10 am I texted to ask if he could come home earlier as felt rough and wanted another adult in the house, no response. Couldn't get hold of him for two hours. I felt almost panicky as not sure if infection was turning septic or something! I was quite scared, for DDs sake really as we were alone at home.

In the end I took DD with me and luckily H turned up at dentist just on time to whisk DD away. Been on really strong antibiotics since then, infection better but side effects of antibiotics making me feel really rough. Yet still had to entertain DD since then, with the exception of Tuesday when H cooked and reluctantly washed up, I've done all washing up, cook etc.

This morning I really needed a break and suggested H took DD to shops to get me some natural yogurt (apparently can help with side effects I read) and he sighed and scowled. I said I know he's had a lot on this week (near completion on late FIL's house) but I really need him to just get DD off her tablet for just a little while and I don't feel well enough to. Cue him ranting about how he'd just started to relax this morning and now I'm making him do stuff. Luckily not in front of DD. He managed to act nicely in front of her and they've gone to shops.

I feel rotten yet so vulnerable that he is unable to step up when I really needed him too. He has asked how I'm doing each day and given me hugs but he can only do this when it suits him.

Sorry, that was long.

Sometimes people just don’t have it in them to step-up when needed, either because they don’t understand how to step-up, or just don’t have the emotional capacity to care enough. So sorry you’re going through this alone. Do you have any family/friends you can turn to?

That sounds lovely. One of the things I'm looking forward to is being able to just enjoy DCs company. I get little snippets now and then, but we're all a bit on edge at home. I hope you have a lovely day celebrating, bet it feels funny that the baby is now a teenager! ❤

We have loads in common. Interestingly not religion. I am he isn't. But he is very respectful of it and I of his non belief.
We do have so many things we share that I feel the way he is with me , if this isn't love what is it.

@LittleSwede So sorry to hear you've not been well, heres hoping for a speedy recovery and you get those wisdom teeth taken care of asap.

It's just so unsettling isn't it? Not sure if you've been able to confide in anyone about your plans, but you always get those people who tell you you'll be worse off on your own without H's 'support', they just don't get it. I've learnt over the years that nothing gets H lying down in a darkened room faster than me mentioning I don't feel well, so unless the symptoms are obvious I keep my mouth shut and soldier on.

@LittleSwede 🫂🫂🫂
I don’t have an advice, just that I relate totally to your post and the lack of support when you need it most.

@HowIrresponsible when I met dh, we had loads in common. And tbh things were ok then. Yes he was ‘quirky’ but it still felt right.

Things for us changed when we had the dcs and then I got ill.
Because then all the things we were doing together (walking, outdoors pursuits etc…) went down the pan. And suddenly there was nothing that was ‘linking us together’.

@Eclipseboatwoman48 Thank you, I do believe he cares but when he reaches capacity it's like he just shuts off. It's been like it since DD was born, nearly 10 years ago. I do speak to my mum most days and I have a couple of neighbours I can ask for help if I really need it.

@MissionBiscuits Thanks, I was referred to have wisdom teeth out a while ago so fingers crossed it happens soon and no more infections before then. I usually just soldier on as I know what H can be like, a mix of super supportive then totally dismissive the next day, but this time I just couldn't. Only have 24 hours left on antibiotics course so hopefully when they wear off I'll feel able to cope with everything again.

I suppose it comes down to what you want from the relationship then. I know if I was to meet someone in the future, it would be completely different because I wouldn't be thinking about wanting to have children or even that bothered about living with someone, especially while DC are still at home. It would be about companionship, fun and emotional support.

It might be worth having conversations about expectations and perhaps what you each perceive love to be. It might just be a matter of accepting he will never say 'I love you' even if you feel that he does, although it would be better if he doesn't actually say the opposite either! Be honest about your needs and decide whether he is able to fulfil them and think about the other people in your life. I think having a good support system and not being completely dependent on an ND partner for any kind of support or fulfilment is key really.

If what he is giving you right now is enough and you aren't too concerned about how it would impact your future, then clear the air over that particular statement and enjoy it.

I totally get it, I'm at the point where the stress is affecting my physical health. I keep getting ill and my body aches constantly. The kids have been late for school nearly every day this week and everything else is piling up. I anticipate I'll be doing a lot of sleeping when I finally get into my own place!

Neither have any children. He doesn't want any. I did but conceded defeat at a certain age.

I have no.immediate family left. Parents dead and estranged from siblings

He had a good relationship with his family and siblings.

I do feel very much alone and sad that I have a partner who doesn't love me and that no one in the world really does anymore.

We don't need to live together and aren't going to have kids. It is not going to be that kind of relationship.

What he's giving me right now is enough but we'll see.

Thank you, it's the unpredictability of it that makes it extra hard x

Luckily DD is nearly 10 so a bit more independent but still has more needs than average 9 yo.

I think some people reach capacity quicker than others, and they just shut down when their cup is full. I get that it’s difficult for them, but it’s also difficult for those around them. 😢
I’m in a similar position to you: I have a few family members and great friends, but not really locally because I’ve only been round here a year, and I’ve kept to myself and just been discussing on healing from my divorce.
With hindsight, I probably wasn’t ready to enter a new relationship…. Just myself and my girls, when they’re with me, from now on. 😊
I’m so grateful for this forum, just being able to check in and share and be supportive to each other. 🤗

I think we often underestimate the impact of stress on our bodies, and we all need to learn to pay more attention to when our bodies are literally screaming at us to make life changes. I know I need to become more discerning at listening to my body!

I’m so sorry for all your problems guys! My situation is actually quite straightforward compared to some, in that my relationship ended when my youngest was born 😂. We are merely two people living under the same roof. There is nothing between us.

In some ways I wish I had left years and years ago, but there are reasons that I stayed and I can’t turn back the clock so here I am.

On a lighter note we had what I consider to be a ‘classic’ moment yesterday, the whole family spent an hour and a half looking for my wife’s phone. Everywhere we looked. I was out at the car looking under the seats, ringing the flipping thing from my phone (waste of time as on silent) Kids were upstairs looking under the beds. After said hour and a half, I heard my eldest say to my wife ‘Ah Mummy so you found your phone then?’ ‘Oh yes’ she says, ‘it was in my work bag’ I’m like ‘argh why didn’t you tell us then?!!’ Who knows how long the boys and I had been looking when it had already been found 🤦‍♂️😂

@Eclipseboatwoman48 I find it hard to listen, especially when you’ve spent your whole existence minimising everything. The thing is your body tells the truth.

You’re totally right! Minimising what we feel inside is so, so damaging to our health. It’s essential to be with someone where open and honest communication can take place, without fear of causing offence, with the knowledge that you’re both coming to the table with the same heart of wanting to discuss and resolve the issues. Not everyone is capable of such communication though, or prepared to work in their communication skills.

@Eclipseboatwoman48 nope. I suffer with Chronic fatigue and I’ve found myself getting more and more hostile to people who minimise how I feel. I need to walk away because I will have a go and it’s pointless.

I don’t know about others but I’m surrounded by minimises for whatever reason, can’t/won’t/ND/abusive/myself. I’ve just about had enough!