Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

One of my best friends has CF and it’s so debilitating: you really don’t need any extra pressure/stress in your life. Your hostility is simply a natural defence to the toxicity from people around you, whose needs and demands just pull you down. If you can, you need to put yourself, your health, your needs and wants, first.
And I’m talking to myself here as well, although I don’t suffer with CF. We all deserve to prioritise ourselves when others fail to.

Seems it's relatively easy to meet our needs when they're just "extras" and we have a full range of healthy life experiences going on but when we're in a vulnerable dependent poorly place etc then it's essential... Being needed seems to be overwhelming for many ND people according to this thread.

@Flittingaboutagain I do have a lot of sympathy, we’ve no idea the amount of work that is taking places internally for some people. It unfortunately does come across as selfish and self oriented but I can understand it’s not intentional. I can imagine it’s doable when it’s calm and there is no need. When something happens I suspect they so desperate trying to regain the calm that all sorts of behaviours take over, some not nice to be on the receiving end of.

From someone who is struggling with ME/CFS, I get you. @Simplefoke

Ive found putting myself first extremely hard.
Both because of some learnt behaviours I’m slowly undoing.
And because ME is so poorly recognised (the ‘Well I feel tired too, you know…’ brigade) that I’m often gaslighting myself that I’m not as ill as I am 😂😢😢

Im learning though.

But it’s made me more and more vocal to other people to not accept a crap relationship that makes you ill. Things are so so much harder when you end having to stop work etc….

So my advice to anyone who sees their health going downhill due to the stress of their relationship is:
Please, get out when you can still do it Wo too much hassle.

I’m always gaslighting myself. Sometimes because I’m too scared to acknowledge how ill I am and sometimes because no one around me gives a shit so what’s the point explaining. It’s just another of those things that unless people experience it they have no empathy for. I have to stand firm for myself because no one else will. It does create friction though. I could reach across and smack them when someone says yeah I’m tired also.

So.
I think we have another good sign. He's been going on about needing time and space to himself as he's introverted. And autistic. He said he felt run down and needing a space to himself. Otherwise he is gonna collapse. He said it wasn't personal and that he needs this time. I suggested we spend this weekend apart. Because we've spent a lot of time together during the week and it would make sense. I have errands to run and he can rest. Okay, fine, but he's been texting me all weekend saying how much he misses me and he actually wanted to do this this and this with me.
Okay. So this has happened before if he spends time without me, he actually would rather. I was there and he misses me so he's not as needing his own space as I thought.

I'm not so sure. Could it be that they're both true? He actually does need his own space, for processing time and that then creates the space for missing you? But the reality of being together isn't necessarily the same as the missed fantasy if that makes sense?

I don't know. Whenever he gets the space he needs he goes on about missing me.

He has said even when we're together that he doesn't get certain dreads when he's with me and we have a great time.

He isn't chasing a fantasy of time together that is actually shit. Far from it.

@HowIrresponsible my partner is the same. He appears to desperately need space, but then when he has it, isn’t able to enjoy it. I find this maddening. Yet I wonder what is driving it. Does the overwhelm of sensory input lessen because he’s away from the kids - but then another response connected to loneliness kick in?

I’d really appreciate insights on this if anyone has them. I often think DH would benefit from a lovely night away by the seaside, but the rare occasions I’ve engineered something like this he hasn’t enjoyed it. I just can’t make his ideal situation happen where the kids are here but totally quiet and well behaved and we have a babysitter on demand.

I need space from the world and all its demands and from the feeling of shame from not being about to meet all the demands needed of me. But I don’t want to be alone because I love my family. I don’t want to feel pushed to be alone because I feel rejection. I think it’s extremely complex what’s happening inside another’s head.

@Rainbow03 thats so kind of you to share. Is there any thing you do that does refresh you? Or do you always have a bit of that conflict going on? DH says he is in burnout now so it feels like I need to try to do something.

@MySocksAreDotty Im always internally conflicted one way or another unfortunately. I just don’t understand what is needed of me a lot of the time. Going from home to work to strangers to children and having to figure out how to behave and re adjust is exhausting. Especially when knowing isn’t instinctual. On top of that trying to keep internal balance of emotions but also knowing that other people have needs but not knowing really what they want or need, always getting it wrong so sticking to things you just know or think might work. People often change even over things that have been ok before so that’s hard to navigate. I think it’s hard for everybody. But I love my partner despite never saying it. His presence makes me feel internally better, despite not knowing how, it just does. If he gets annoyed or I sense he is getting annoyed then I feel like an absolute useless human.

A lot of people with ND are trying extremely hard, a lot more than NT people can really ever understand. It’s just a completely different language.

I have ADHD and I liken it to having all my emotions on show. I don’t have thick skin, I can sense anything and everything and I feel it all. I know when people are upset with me and it’s pretty much all the time as I never get much right. It’s a perpetual feeling of letting everyone down all the time. It’s so hard and I’m sure it’s so hard for those around me. Sometimes I’m better at dealing with it, those are the times I feel accepted for who I am. If people can talk to me and we can have an understanding then the pressure drops, my rigid mask can drop and everything is better for everyone.

Thank you for posting these insights!

No worries. Non judgment Communication is just so important. Finding a time without overwhelm is a good time to start. When someone is wanting to hide its because they are at the end of what they can deal with and they in fight/flight. Only what they can’t deal with is internally. An NT person has to realise that that it’s a disability, they often can’t meet you. It would like be asking someone who can’t walk to get up and walk to you. There are things that can be done to aid but it’s the realisation that you are going to have to meet them where they are which means changing the way you feel and think (which I can understand must be really hard and for some impossible, no fault or blame). It’s a lot to take on, but the other person can’t really change they can only mask then reach overwhelm.

I should add that even with the difficulties ADHD brings me I’m still a wonderful person. My partner does not make me feel otherwise that’s why I “love” him.

I guess I do understand that one’s capacities may be a certain way. But I still think people can learn skills to get on better. I don’t believe this has to be masking.

Learning new skills as an adult I do think is quite hard. My daughter also has ADHD and I think she will fair better then me being able to learn these skills young. I’ve got a lot of rooted behaviours in quite deep. Some others maybe be extremely disconnected by the time they are adults having never been diagnosed. You also have to be very regulated to be able to learn. In school they don’t even try and teach when she is unregulated. You also kind of want to. I can see it can be quite hard. I really wanted to get to the root of my troubles for my children, but it has been really challenging and looking inwards triggers me quite badly at times.

I have found in the past that I have struggled to accept the things that I have done wrong before realising I was doing it wrong. Coming down from those emotions is extremely challenging. I personally have had an inner belief that I am unworthy. Anything that triggers it has been difficult, the whole thing is difficult. I can see why some people just don’t want to look within and learn different skills. It may seem easy on the outside but it really isn’t. I’m not saying it’s right just that it’s hard.

I have ADHD and totally relate to this. We need to have time totally alone, because our awareness of other people's presence and emotions will always intrude, even if we're not interacting with them. My youngest has quite high support needs, he still co-sleeps with me most nights and it's actually really important to me to have that time with him while he sleeps, without his overwheming energy and needs, otherwise I worry I could start to resent him.

@Rainbow03 this is exactly the same as my DH. However this makes it difficult to resolve conflicts in our marriage, since they trigger his ‘unworthy’ core belief and he focusses on himself instead of our interactions. He is triggered and cannot then learn even simple preferences that I have.

Would it be too personal to ask you how you resolve conflicts with your DH? Or any tips? (Sorry I realise I’m draining your time/energy).

I've come to the conclusion that what H actually wants is time alone with just me. Before we had kids we would spend the evenings watching TV together, but we never sat next to each other and he would always be on another screen at the same time. It's a bit of a trope nowadays about sitting together on our phones, but he was doing this before smartphones were really a thing, he was on his computer instead. Basically it's parallel play, he doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't really want to interact either and if we ever go out to eat alone he is always either on his phone or distracted by people around us. He loves the kids and said he wanted them, but truthfully I think he finds living with them too much.

Reluctantly I think it’s the same here, Mission.

@MySocksAreDotty its really hard and it requires a lot of work on my behalf. I have to read an awful lot of information and I need to have a logical understanding of my brain. I need a lot of time for my brain to understand and get past the blame. But then I’ve done an awful lot of work on myself because I’ve made very many mistakes in my life. It needs to come from inside him. Nobody can tell me what to do Im afraid, I don’t take it very well, it needs to be worded in such a way that it presents no blame otherwise it’s automatic shut down. I’ve only managed to do this by reading lots and lots of information and accepting that I am different. I don’t argue or shout or have conflict, I shut down and have internal conflict. He needs to learn how to communicate with you, I do it a lot via msgs as I’m crap at talking one to one. I’ve also had to boost my self esteem and learn that there is nothing “wrong” with me.