Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Ah, Apex, I’m so sorry about your situation. I’m guessing it wasn’t like that at the beginning though, otherwise you wouldn’t have married?
What confuses me is how the first 4/5 months were amazing, then suddenly we were just bickering all the time and seemed to have lost most of our compatability. We went from never shutting up, to struggling to properly talk, from my perspective, anyway. I stopped feeling safe to be vulnerable with him. I hate how a relationship with such possibilities at the start can have come to this. Is it just that we’re wired so differently? 😢

It's quite common for new relationships to end within two years even without ND. It takes that time to really begin to know someone.

You've done the right thing. Sunk cost fallacy ruins lives. Take it easy. You'll get there.

OK so my ND guy - he's been sweet and caring and loving. Been there for me.

Told me a few weeks ago he doesn't love me. He asked if that's enough for me.

He doesn't love me. He hasn't ever loved anyone.
He's not 100% convinced he wouldn't feel love for someone else.

He didn't really want a partner and the only reason he was on dating apps is FOMO

But he wants to keep seeing each other but worries it's not enough for me.

I was never going to speak to him again. But he started texting me a few hours later and ever since has massively overcompensated. He's been all over me. Taken me again to his sisters and also his parents. We've been away for a long weekend.

Planning a holiday and hes talking of long term plans.

I'm so confused. I feel loved and yet...

I don't know what to do.

Ask yourself if you could imagine spending your life with someone who has stated that he doesn’t love you, when you may very well love, and be in love with, him.
Love, on its own, isn’t enough: there needs to be a solid commitment from both partners to be continually working at the relationship, to be honest, loving and affection, to put the other’s needs as their priority. Without love, when life hits you hard, as it inevitably does, I think it could be hard to keep swimming.
However, I do feel that love is more of an action than an emotion. I think we can get carried away by the Disney-esque portrayal of love as a perpetual intense emotional feeling, when after the first flushes have died down, I think it’s more of an ongoing commitment to each other, through thick and thin (in the absence of abuse).
Some people are happy with a relationship that is more companionship than passionate, but only you can make that decision.
He sounds very unsure of what he wants, and unsure of who he is. Be wary, as a minimum.

My ND husband is only ever motivated by a sense of loss.

How long can the ND guy keep up the act/masking/love bombing…?

I have asked myself this over and over. Can I be with someone who doesn't love me.

Here's when it gets complicated. My first boyfriend told me loved me and always would. He hit me and cheated on me. Was that love. Actions speak louder. He didn't love me.

Love is a verb. It's something you do. This guy though he says he doesnt acts as if he does love me. He shows up for me. He's there for me. He makes so much effort. He puts his discomfort aside when he's an introvert and ND.

Life has hit me hard already since we've been together and he's been there for me. He does work at the relationship. He is honest and affectionate and loving. We have a similar quirky humour.

I feel so confused. He acts as if he loves me and yet. He's only had one gf of 5 months before me and we're in our 40s.

I don't think love is a Disney-esque feeling either. I value my self worth over love.

You can love the next 10 people you meet and date. It’s something that is constant and can happen often. People are always afraid to fall in love, because it happens so easily.

Respect and valuing your partner is harder to find. Which is why this is more important than love. I like loving someone but couldn't care less about it when it comes to stressful situations.

Love doesn’t factor in if I’m being disrespected.

I do feel very cautious now. As if I shouldn't really be sharing anything of my life or problems with him as he doesn't love me and I don't have any reason to tell him a thing.

Ahhh Howl, I really feel for you. That’s such a confusing situation to find yourself in!
I agree: love is a verb! I agree with everything you’ve said about relationships.
Only you can decide if what you have with this guy satisfies your heart, mind and soul.
Is he prepared to commit to you even though he says he doesn’t love you and might be able to love someone else at some point?
Sending hugs.

About the loving someone else. Who exactly?

That's a complete hypothetical of a person who doesn't exist that he's maybe built up in his head.

I could imagine a dozen hot men that are perfect for me that I could love but they don't exist 😂 and even if they did, they'd be individual people with their own thoughts and experiences that I can't control and they'd have their issues as all relationships do.

What do you mean by commit? In the same breath he said he thinks it would be easier if we lived together after saying he didn't love me.

I thought I’d read that he’d said he doesn’t love you but he might be able to love someone else - apologies if I’m not remembering that correctly.
So he doesn’t love you but wants you to live together?
Maybe it’s a case of he does love you, but doesn’t understand how to formulate that in the way someone more NT might be able to. I really don’t know. If you love him and he meets all your needs, maybe go for it.
My ex, who I split up with today, was convinced he loved and adored me, big his actions didn’t match his words. I do think actions are a more significant indicator of someone’s heart.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're right though- actions often don't match words. Like you, I've had a man tell me he loves me whilst not acting as if he does.

This is the other way around. I feel very much loved but the words don't match. He says he doesnt but acts as if he does.

I don't know what he feels. But what keeps him with me. It's been well over a year.

Well he has really put something difficult on the table. How—and why—can you continue with someone who has warned you that at bottom they don’t think they love you? He is saying all those living, affectionate, things he has done were done by rote? Merely because you were present and in a gf role? Not special to you? Not evoked by you? Not specially meaningful to him?

I think its possible that he said it out of anxiety that you would renect him. But he also could teally mean it. In which case, sad though it is, I wouldn’t risk getting more attached.

It certainly doesn't feel done by rote. We very much have our own in jokes and traditions already. It can't be by rote. It's special for him he says

@HowIrresponsible your post reminded me of a time, early-ish in my relationship with DH (we've been together 25 years now) when he told me that he didn't love his parents (!) He said he was grateful to them, but he didn't love them. His behaviour towards them over the years has indicated otherwise and he was devastated when his dad died. To this day, I don't know why he said that. I think it may be part of alexithymia, possibly? He does have problems articulating how he's feeling often (as do I), and seems to have a particulary weird attitude towards admitting caring about people- almost like it's a weakness. I am confident he loves me and he says he does, but My God he's difficult to live with sometimes. So, I'm not sure what I would advise in your situation, but thought my anecdote might be relevant and/or helpful.

@HowIrresponsible it sounds a lot like your relationship could currently be a special interest for him, meaning that the level of care and attention he's currently giving you will only last as long as that is the case. Many of us on this thread have experienced this and if you were to move in together, that would likely be the point at which things change.

My H was very loving and attentive when we were first together, once we got married and moved in together that waned very quickly. He shows no real interest in me, but claims he doesn't want to split up because he loves me. In reality he's scared of change and the idea that divorce would expose his failings to people outside the marriage.

How long did the love and attentiveness last?
Mine was only 4/5 months, and I went from being on a pedestal to crashing down swiftly with a bang, although he maintained his feelings hadn’t changed. He also couldn’t recognise that his behaviour had changed. 🤔
How do you cope with the lack of care from him now?

Still going on now...16 months.

His behaviour hasn't actually changed. In fact it intensified after he told me he didn't love me during an argument.

He became much more attentive and still is the same level now.

I've never felt his behaviour has changed towards me.

EDIT Realised that wasn't directed at me!

Do you think that some with ND can only split their attention. For example if have 2 children they can only focus the attention on one? I guess looking like the golden child and the other forgotten?

It was a bit of a slow creep from when we got married, we were religious at the time so didn't live together or have much sex beforehand because we weren't 'supposed' to, so there was still some novelty for a while. About a year later my dad passed away suddenly and his odd behaviours around grief (there's a topic for the thread!) came out and he made it all about himself. Then we had our eldest (my traumatic birth was more traumatic for him apparently) and I distinctly remember around the time we were ttc our second that I kept a journal and was questioning why I was trying to have another child with him. But it was when I was pregnant with our second and he started working away during the week that it really hit home. It was supposed to just be for a few months, but ended up being over 2 years. He refused to find a job nearer or move to where he was working and I was on my own with a baby and an autistic (I now realise) toddler and I basically couldn't leave the house. Pretty much everyone in our lives except MIL were telling him he shouldn't be doing it to us, but he refused to listen. I should've left then to be honest, but I was still religious and too scared.

I had a difficult childhood being raised by what I now believe is an autistic mother, my dad left when I was 13, she had been abusing him (classic cycle) and she couldn't deal and basically ceased to be a parent. I was badly bullied in school and turned to a religion which used shame to control, so I was just so desperate to be loved and have a family that I ignored too many red flags. I loved H, but he was a bit more of a head rather than heart choice. We had been friends for a few years before we became a couple, so I thought I knew him pretty well, he said he wanted the same things as me and I thought he would give me security, but that turned out to be an illusion. I had many years of being gaslit by the church into believing our issues were my fault and I had to change, standard patriarchal bullshit. Eventually I saw the actual light, abandoned those beliefs and he admitted he'd never really believed in it all anyway, it just gave him a structure to live by and he believed I would follow that same pattern, so he would always understand my behaviour. Since then (early 2020) it's become increasingly obvious that his only interest in me is to get something out of me (sex mostly) and to try to stop me leaving and turning his world upside down. It's all about self-preservation.

Sorry for the novel!

I’ve wondered that as well, but nothing changed in his routine for him to suddenly need to focus his attention elsewhere. He did start a job, first in years, in Feb of this year, and he’s talked about little else since, but nothing last summer when he changed with me. But oh my goodness, when the honeymoon period ended, it really ended!! 😂

My MIL is like this. All her attention is on her other son and family. We don’t exist and it feels shit. It’s like complete tunnel vision and anything on the outside is just not there. I’ve backed right off now because although I understand her brain is different it’s still really hurtful to be on the other side. My Partner luckily isn’t too much like this in that he splits but he sees me as this emotional idiot instead lol!

What messes me the most is having all these ND people around me I feel like a freak having emotions. I’ve no level to base how I feel on. I’m always telling myself to dumb down because I won’t be perceived the right way, if I’m too much I will get pushed away and that feels awful.

Is it possible that this guy is struggling with alexithymia @HowIrresponsible ? So he thinks love should look a certain way and how he feels isn’t that?

I agree about being a special interest too.

What is certain is that it will be very hard for you to relax and trust him with that knowledge.

Well bear in mind he's only had one girlfriend before me for about 4 to 5 months. He has no experience and now he's in his mid-forties. I'm not sure what he thinks. A relationship or feelings should be like. But what I do know is it isn't an all-consuming. Disney romance all the time, it just isn't. Ive had that experience with a 2 year relationship under my belt by the time I was 20.

I don't. Know that I am a special interest. He does say that we have a lot in common. And in terms of our outlook on life, I aligned pretty much very well with his beliefs.

I am finding it extremely difficult to proceed with this knowledge. Because ultimately it's going to be the undoing. Because I don't think I can carry on long-term knowing this.

What also hasn't escaped my attention is that he's told me he doesn't love me and I'm still around. I haven't ended it. He will obviously be thinking that.

Realised I missed your last question!

I don't cope really, but it's easier to know it's not my fault. It would be a lot easier if I had supportive family but I don't. I'm kind to myself and I see friends when I can. I have someone in my life who is genuinely kind and supportive and who I'm trying really hard not to fall in love with just because every time I talk to them they make me feel seen and appreciated simply by giving a shit about my welfare. I live for our brief catch up chats, but we've never so much as hugged and I fully expect that if we ever do, I'll be done for. I don't know if you can call it an emotional affair if the other person is oblivious and just being a decent human being, but I guess it's pretty much the same thing from my end. More reasons why I need to leave.

It's often said that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person and that each autistic person is unique and different from the other. In this house where we have one diagnosed DD, one almost diagnosed (47 out of 50 on the ASQ50 I did for the NHS, among other traits) and very likely AuADHD Husband and if anything we all have very strong feelings as well as high levels of empathy. I probably often look like I don't feel something on the outside but am often completely overwhelmed inside with no clear path as to how to express these emotions. Hence I often end up in tears or just shut down.

DD has empathy to the point of having almost uncontrollable meltdowns if she perceives that she's upset someone. She then feels terrible about herself and thinks she's the worst person in the world. I can relate to that as get extreme RSD if I think I've said or done anything to upset someone, even if it's after a brief encounter with a stranger. H on the other hand seems to switch his empathy on and off somehow, depending on how well regulated he is.

I guess I'm just trying to share that the whole thing about us autistics not having empathy or caring is not quite the full story and some if us are almost overly empathetic, even if it doesn't always look like it.

Thatks to this thread I've learn about alexythemia, something I didn't know about, despite autism being my special interest!