Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Sorry for your troubles @onlytuesday but, on the plus side, it does sound like there are some positives.

When you say this for example:

‘On the rare occasion we have time together away from home (so he can't just work) and without the kids we have a lovely time, and I see glimmers of what the future might be’

‘We have a lovely time’ wow, I can only dream of that - that could not be more different from my situation. If I came home on a Friday and said to her ‘guess what? I’m taking you to Paris for the weekend and I’ve organised child care!’ That would be a complete and utter nightmare for her. (And not just because of the change of plan) The children are her special interest, with work being a close second. The thought of spending time without them she really struggles with.

Unfortunately a lot changed for me, and the mask dropped, after we’d had our second child. I can only say it felt like my services had been dispensed with (but don’t get me wrong our relationship has never been that brilliant).

But from what you say you have a glimmer of hope that I will not have. My plan infact is to leave when the kids leave home. But then I’ll feel cruel doing that as she’ll have nothing. ARGH

Thank you for the replies. So many kind souls on here 🙏 there's no easy answers for any of our situations, whatever we decide to do, people are gonna get hurt and we carry that weight around with us

When I made my decision earlier this year I felt a sense of peace. I stopped feeling anxious about trying to please him and desperately trying to get him to engage because I realised I'm not responsible for how he's feeling (unless I've actually done something wrong or hurtful of course). Perhaps that alone will make a difference in time as I am putting less demand on him, who knows. However I don't feel as anxious about the future because I came to a place where I stopped thinking of our separating as being a personal failure- for either of us. I absolutely don't want that to happen don't get me wrong, but I will if it comes to it. The damage to the children will be less than if I acted now or at any point in the last 10 years because they will be grown up. But realistically it will still hurt them. It will obviously hurt me and dh too but in the long run will be the right thing to do. I hope, really genuinely, that things improve in the coming years, but I accept there's a limited amount I can do to facilitate that.

Do you find you’re questioning your own sanity sometimes?

my youngest has a rash all over his back due to a kids wet play party last weekend where they (presumably) didnt use any chlorine. A few of the kids got the same thing 🤕

my wife wanted to take him swimming tonight. I said to her, no way you can’t take him swimming with that all over his back. What will the other parents and kids think? It looks awful!

she replied that he’s been to the doctor this morning and doctor said the rash is not a big deal and he is ok to swim. But I can’t get past the look of a kid covered in a rash in a swimming pool.

but then I think am I being over zealous? Am I going mad? I don’t think I am, but?…

is this an empathy thing, or am I blaming it on a lack of empathy when actually it’s me

Not sure @Apex3 I don’t think I would be bothered by a kid with a rash in the pool. I see what you’re saying: you think other parents might be alarmed and think he has some virus and shouldn’t be in a public pool mixing with other children. And that your DW lacks empathy as she isn’t bothered. I do see your point but personally I wouldn’t pay it much attention if I was at the pool so it’s hard for me to say one way or the other. Sorry. That’s not b helpful!

No that’s fine thanks! Maybe I’m being a bit overkill on this one :)

I think you are both right @Apex3
Your dwife is following the GP advice saying it’s fine.
You are thinking about other people’s reaction seeing the rash. Aka it looks painful, is it contagious, is the child ill etc…

But I think we all have different threshold on what’s ok or not in that case.

im assuming your dc isn’t complaining about it here (or that they dont feel unwell etc…)

Its hard though because im finding dh struggles to put himself in the dcs shoes so his evaluation of risk/what’s suitable can different from mine. And yet he still manages to make me feel unreasonable and that wrapping my dcs in cotton wool when they’ve been anything but that by most standards.

Thanks @SpecialMangeTout :)

No, dc is fine, it’s not bothering him at all.

I was looking at it from the viewpoint of the other kids and adults in the pool, whether they assumed that my dc has a virus that they could catch. I just don’t think it looks great, but perhaps I jumped too quickly at that. If I saw another kid in the pool with a rash I wouldn’t be that worried, so why should i assume other people are.

my wife on the other hand, very black and white approach. He’s got a rash, I’ve taken him to the doctor. Doctor says it’s fine so it’s fine.

She’s right of course.

Thanks again and, ref your earlier post, hope your communication issues have eased a bit and your dc is ok!

Dc is ok thank you @Apex3
i sort if took the hand again and ensured he was safe (albeit from many miles away).

Tbf dc had a big learning curve there. I’m impressed he managed as well as he did as nothing went to plan! So he did remarkably well.

It’s hard because I think we become conditioned to be on high alert for things. And we lose perspective and doubt ourselves because our DPs often minimise our worries or dismiss our feelings or say it’s us that’s the problem and in the face of all that we start to doubt what’s what. My DP often speaks so abruptly to me that it is quite upsetting, certainly it takes me back a bit. He will tell me I’m being over sensitive. And I think I’ve probably become conditioned to be more sensitive than I should be. But now I can’t tell when I’m making something out of nothing or he is genuinely being brusque and rude!!! Gah!!!!!

@BustyLaRoux @Apex3 I am VERY aware I have become super sensitised to DWs micro digs. What I would have shrugged off years ago leaves me smarting.

I'd be very concerned to see a child with a rash as you describe. So many parents take their kids to our playgroup with hand foot and mouth and we turn them away... I think it's very shitty. So unfortunately based on my experience running a group I'd assume you just didn't care as long as your child got to carry on with their plans.

With regards to doubting your reality and being on high alert I feel I've become kind of trigger ready if that makes sense. Ready to protect myself I suppose.

Thank you all for your replies! 🙏 Very much appreciated!

Hi all.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted about my situation and some really supportive messages from you on here.
DP - now ex DP - has just left, with all his stuff. I’ve told him to go many times before. But today, I didn’t start to beg him to stay and say I’ve changed my mind, like I usually do. I think I’m just so tired of the squabbling, the misunderstandings…. I know no relationship is easy all the time, but it’s surely not meant to be this hard….
He’s been very self-centred sexually this week, but I can’t get him to understand how I need a general atmosphere of love and affection for me to feel/get in the mood, especially when I’m working silly hours and applying for a promotion. He just throws it back on me, that I should have instigated affection…
I feel quite panicky at the moment, that I’ve actually kept him go this time…. I thought he was the one, but surely if it was right, it wouldn’t be as much of a struggle as it actually is… 🤷‍♀️

Take a deep breath. Do a little cleaning and reorganizing of the bedroom so it feels clean and like it belongs just to you. Act like you are ok—because you are! You have done the right thing but it may take a minute for your bidy and heart to catch up to your brain.

@Eclipseboatwoman48 separating is always hard. Not the least because it’s a jump into the unknown and it’s bound to be scary.
Whereas accepting the status quo, even when it’s crap, feels safer. You know what you get!

@pikkumyy77 is right. You are ok even if it doesn’t feel like that just now.
And it will feel great once dust has settled down a little bit and you can start to relax and realise how nice life can feel Wo all the constant moods/victim blaming etc…going on.

Just now, what do you think would help you feel less panicky?

@Eclipseboatwoman48 when I was with my ex I was in a state of high alert at all times and it took time for all that to settle and for me to feel like myself again. If you’re under chronic stress I think it takes time for your body and hormones etc to adjust again. I would also say I didn’t recognise at the time how much stress I was under.
Maybe you might need time for yourself right now.

Can anyone help me on this one. I suffer with RSD, how can you tell the difference between perceived and actual rejection? I can’t tell whether I’m being rejected by a certain person or whether I’m making it all up. I think I know they aren’t too keen on me but I’m not sure if they are being deliberately unkind. I get so confused. My only tool is to avoid but then I may be wrong.

Thank you for the support, all. Off to collect my girls for the weekend, and we have lots of fun planned for one of their birthdays! I’ll post back later. 🤗

@Rainbow03 that is actually very tough to answer. I suppose that I can easily brush off a once off negative interaction.
If someone behaved differently towards me I would be inclined to put it down to them having a bad day unless I knew I had done something. If the person changed towards me on a few occasions then I would be think oh they are being off with me did I do something to them. They would have to be really close to me for me to be worried or concerned about it though.

Bed is changed and I’ve gathered up a few items he’s overlooked and put them away. He hasn’t let me know he’s arrived home safely - over 2 hours away - I’m not sure what I expected in terms of contact, really.
I've been really calm since the initial decision this morning, then felt panicky again when I pulled up home with my girls, I think because of the realisation that his car will never be here again.
I feel so sad that it’s come to this: neither of us are bad people, we just don’t work well enough together to have a peaceful relationship.
I think he’s very used to a different kind of woman from his previous two marriages - he was a carer for both of them, for physical and mental health issues - and I think the harsh truth is I’m too much for him, and he’s not enough for me. Still sad though.

I think you’re right about it being the idea of change that’s freaking me out at the moment, I’ve been lonely a lot in the relationship: surely it’s better to be lonely alone, but have my peace, than have someone to come home to every night where I often feel I’m treading on eggshells for fear of upsetting them…
I have huge amounts of work to do for school, so can keep myself busy, but the night times will be hard for a while.

I think you’re right about the stress levels….
Being told, can’t we tell your period is due (12 days before it’s due!!) is cruel…. I would never have said to him, can’t we tell someone hasn’t taken their meds today, or can’t we tell someone’s meds have worn off…. Even though I could quite truthfully have done! That’s just not in me to be so harsh.
I’m hoping I’ll enjoy the peace once the dust settles; just enjoy being by myself, and being able to fully relax, without considering someone else.

Sounds like you’ve done the right thing @Eclipseboatwoman48 💪, kudos to you for having the strength and courage to go through with it

Yes, this! I’m incredibly lonely in my marriage. No-one to talk to night after night, and yet I have to maintain some sort of pretence of being ‘married’. It’s truly, truly awful. I long to be single and free as a bird 😄 I am sure you’ve done the right thing!!