Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Not been on here for a while, guy here with Asperger’s wife.

just wanted to say that these threads are so valuable, and I’m so glad they haven’t been taken down. Whenever I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps I have a quick read and - well I wouldn’t say it cheers me up lol - but makes you realise you’re not alone :)

Struggling here.

dc2 is away. Was supposed to do a lengthy walking holiday with a friend. Friend hurt himself on the first day so dc2 is now on his own doing said walk.
He is in a foreign country. Has clear executive issues. Calls dh for some help as he isn’t sure to make his way to the refuge before night.
And dh doesn’t tell me. Apparently so I’m not getting worried (well now I am. AND I also don’t trust dh will tell me what’s going either).
Thankfully, dh was at MIL who gently coached dh to ring dc2 back, ask the right questions and direct him. And to check on dc2 again in the am, review his plan with him etc…

But dh wont accept he needs support ofc. He can’t see how he has the same executive dysfunctions as dc2. That he is missing really important stuff. Like where is dc2? Where is he going? Has he thought about where he is going to finish the (newly modified) walk so he catch a train back? What about the weather (original plan was ‘challenging’)?

Arrrrgg….

Snap I’m irritated today as I’ve been on my own all week with the kids as his working hours have been odd. I said to save you getting tired just sleep downstairs in the spare room and I’ll sort the kids all week. One ADHD and one 1.5 year old with a death wish. I’m drained and today he has gone out for an hour at 9 and still out. I’ve said 15 times I need a break from the children because I haven’t done a single thing I need to do all week. It’s annoyed that he thinks what I need it not important.

Can I join please? ASD DH and teen DC. I need to vent later. I’m on the verge of running away to the mountains by myself under the pressure of everyone’s needs .

Except mine of course. My needs don’t matter as long as every fucker else has what they want.

I am done.

We hear you @SpeckledEggz. Welcome ❤️

@SpeckledEggz I think lots of us would like to join you.

Hello @SpeckledEggz and welcome. This space has been a saviour for me. Also yoga and meditation. We all must find something for ourselves, whatever that may be. And hold a firm stance on that. We are more than service animals!!!!!

I don’t know where to start . I am burnt out and resentful. Every day is the same. I feel like I’m a single parent to 4 DC (that includes DH).

Today alone, DH was responsible for putting the food shop away whilst I took DC3 to riding. I’ve come home to find he has ruined dinner by putting the fresh vegetables (which are not suitable for freezing) in the freezer amongst other non freezable items meaning he has ruined two meals this week.

It sounds so trivial and minor written down but these are constant minor things which impact on other things and when I’m the one taking the time to meal plan and shop, his carelessness impacts on me and my limited time.

This is how our mornings compared:

DH got up, made himself breakfast and watched his TV program whilst drinking a cup of tea. He then went for a leisurely bath and got himself ready.

I got up, put on a load of laundry, fed the dogs, washed the dishes, got myself dressed to take DC3 riding, ordered another food shop for some bits I had forgotten and finished a cold cup of tea. This happens every day. He does not see mess or chores. I am running a household for 5 people and 2 dogs on my own. DH does do some physical stuff but the rest and the excessive mental load fall to me.

I am blamed if anything goes wrong because it’s all MY responsibility. I feel like a live in maid. I am bitter, resentful and I don’t know who I am anymore. I am chronically ill myself and I am drowning in everyone else’s carelessness and lack of capability. I know autism is a disability and I feel awful for feeling the way I do but fuck me , they are breaking me.

Sorry everyone I started reading the beginning of the thread and maybe my post is rather clumsy and blameful. I don’t mean it to be offensive. I’m just finding it so very difficult lately.

XP didn't understand empathy. Just had absolutely no notion not only that he had none but that other people did possess it. He seemed to think that other people were just pretending when they showed sympathy with others for painful situations or care when someone was hurt. Like it was all fake - I think because, for him, it was.

He couldn't read fiction for the same reason. He simply couldn't put himself in the place of the main character and 'go through' events as though it was himself, because 'I wouldn't have done that! It's stupid!'

Can I ask what your wife is like? I'm the ASD partner in my relationship, but most others here are husbands and I can't always identify with how they behave and what the struggle points are. Would like to hear from someone whose ASD partner is female to see if I can recognise myself a bit better.

@Daftasabroom i think you might have some experience there.

Hi @SpeckledEggz i didn’t find your post clumsy or blameful.
Anyone in a situation like the one you describe, regardless of ASD, would find it hard.
And yes your dh ASD can explain some of his behaviours but not all. And you have to remember that you (like many of us here, me included!!) have a chronic illness. And your dh should take that into account too. It shouldn’t be a one way street.

I think many of us will recognise, at least partially, in your description.
my own dh is more ‘housetrained’ (his mum was adamant he would, having lived with an autistic husband unable to cook or do any hw…)
but the inability to take into account anyone else needs …. Yep…. Same here. I’ve been ill for 15+ years and dh still doesn’t get it. The only way I managed to have some if my needs met (like him taking on the hw because I can’t physically do it) was to just stop doing it. Then (albeit relunctantly) dh took over. But I had to make my needs first and above anyone else needs for them to be ‘heard’.

We get it.

hi @Mistresstotheworkwife

Sure. I’ll try and summarise without making a really long post.

The things that I struggle the most with are:

1. the fact she takes every word at its absolute literal meaning. Which means that, whilst I am not the sort of person who’s cracking laugh-out loud jokes all the time, when you’re being a be a bit light hearted she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand the nuance of language.
2. a lot of things you say to her she takes as a personal insult. So, for example, I said the other week something along the lines of ‘ooh I don’t like this Sainsbury’s cheese as much as that tescos cheese that we had the other week’. I’m expecting a response like ‘yeah it is quite bland isn’t it’. But she understands it to mean that I am having a go at her for buying the Sainsbury’s cheese. This really gets me down. You just feel you daren’t speak, which is actually what’s happened over the last few years
3. She doesn’t like any form of touch. For years I’d give her a little smack on the bottom, just as a little love pat, you know? ‘Fuck off’ would come the response. I used to laugh it off, thinking she was joking. It took me a long time to realise that actually she wasn’t, she genuinely doesn’t like it, or any form of touch for that matter
4. Change to routine. She can’t handle it. If something untoward happens it sends her into a tail spin
5. needs her own space. We haven’t slept in the same bed in 10 years, I spend my evenings in the main room, she hides herself away in the front room on her phone
6. inability to communicate. It’s hard to describe. She doesn’t tell me things that I should know (about the kids for example), but it’s not because she forgets, it’s almost like she doesn’t want to, or feels she doesn’t need to. As I say, hard to describe. But I long for someone who comes in from work and just goes on and on about what sort of day they’ve had. Just idle chat

on the plus side, she’s unbelievable with the kids. She devotes her whole life to them. Would do anything with them and for them. I’m worried for her what she’ll do when they move out.

she’s very bright, and extremely good at the only job she’s ever had in her life

she loves animals, particularly dogs and horses

Hope that helps a bit :)

Here with my husband we have a very rule driven life, but the rules are often in his head and not communicated. When I try to suggest externalised rules (e.g. for parenting) he fights back and minimises whatever the issue is as not important to anyone but me and I'm being unreasonable suggesting we need a rule about it. I'm talking basics such as teeth and hair brushing and nappy changing etc. When he forgets to do these things he has to make the issue that there's something wrong with me for believing them important/no big deal he forgot "just this once" (ahem). So we never get anywhere... I long to do some shared problem solving to head these things off...

We had family (his side) this weekend. They're packing to go now. He felt he couldn't cope and needed a break so left for 3 hours by himself. When I said I also needed a break he looked me blankly and said "but you went for a lovely walk with the baby". Yeah that's the same.

Hi everyone

I've been lurking and reading through this thread for a week or so now and I can't express how validating it is to find people going through the same experiences, thank you all for sharing.

H & I have been together for 15 years, we met in a religious situation and married quickly without living together first - HUGE mistake, it's been a struggle of monumental proportions! I have ADHD which was only diagnosed a couple of years ago, H has only recently acknowledged that he is (very likely) autistic, but has no plans to be officially assessed. We have 3 ND DC and awkward family situations, H has been wfh since 2020 and apart from a glorious 6 months last year (lovely job but short-term contract) I'm stuck at home and financially dependent on him due to youngest DC's needs.

We've been having couples therapy - I want to improve communication for co-parenting, he wants to 'fix' things (me). We managed to inadvertently find a therapist who is an autism specialist who also thinks H is autistic, but it's not necessarily that helpful.

I'm at the end of my tether, emotionally and physically and have been trying to work towards leaving for the past 2 years, but complicated doesn't even cover it!

Sorry to hear that @MissionBiscuits, sounds like a difficult situation indeed.

And this won’t help, but I’ve been thinking of leaving since 2015, and i’m still here..

When kids are involved it really is difficult :(

@MissionBiscuits that sounds hard, esp as you also have to juggle 3 dcs with SN.

No advice here. But please know that you’ll find support here whenever you want.

Thank you for your replies @Apex3 & @SpecialMangeTout

My resolve is growing today after an incident between H & eldest DS yesterday. DS politely called him out on the fact that he'd (yet again) failed to help him with something as promised and his response was to completely humiliate DS, purely out of need to not be seen as being even minutely in the wrong. He's done this before, but I'd not recognised it for what it was until now, perhaps because it's all jokes and sarcasm. He always has to have the last word and goes on and on and on over nothing. I saw that DS (12) was trying so hard not to cry, I gave him a hug and the tears came, at which point H became defensive so I told him off.

He's even worse with DD, gets into arguments with her and goes on and on until I step in and shut him down, then he accuses me of letting her 'get away with stuff'. But it's all about him being 'right' and the world having to revolve around him, while he sits staring at his many screens.

He's been letting DS down like this since he was old enough to ask him to play and it breaks my heart. There's nothing left to persuade me that staying is in their best interest, so it's got to be done.

I can see why you want to move on. That sort of situation is heartbreaking (I’ve had similar with dh even though not as pronounced).

But I think you’re doing the right thing. I can only send you strength your way to find the best way to deal with the fallout. 🫂🫂

Hello, lurker here posting for first time

I'm so glad I found this thread. It's convinced me that I'm probably not going mad, he probably doesn't hate me and that it isn't just me getting everything wrong in our relationship.

I've read through the whole thing, sometimes with tears in my eyes as it is so close to the bone, and so many times seen something posted by another that I experience- the standing there talking at me while I'm crying, telling me about exactly why I shouldn't be upset about whatever as it's not logical. The always walking several paces ahead. The shutdowns (I understand what these are now from reading this, it's not just that he cannot stand to be around me- he cannot stand to be around anyone), the being completely consumed with work, the awkwardness, anxiety and inability to engage he displays if I suggest we go for a coffee or something else where the focus is on having a conversation.

We had couples counselling last year, things got better for a bit, then slipped again. I think he can mask, but can't keep it up. I also think he is very depressed but he refuses to seek help for this. When I try and talk to him about it he says he doesn't want to and just shuts down until I change the subject and act all happy and breezy again.

With hindsight things changed once the kids got to school age. He was fantastic with them when they were small because he could fix all of their problems. Then parenting got more complex. Then things changed again for the worse when they got to teenagers, dc2 was diagnosed last year with autism and has had a really rough few years with school. He also started wfh full time so he literally never sees people now unless it's something I drag him along to or he sees his family because he feels he ought to. He says wfh is better for his mental health but I think there were benefits of going into the office in that it stopped him retreating entirely into himself.

I'm not blameless, I have had physical and mental health issues over the years and this has put a strain on our relationship too.

He told me once he doesn't have anything left to talk to me about as he's known me so long. About 10 years ago I asked him if he thought he was on the spectrum he said maybe but doesn't think he ticks enough boxes. I don't agree with this however. In recent years my eldest has started picking up on his behaviour saying stuff like oh dad is so ND guess what he just did etc and I kinda don't know what to say because he is but won't acknowledge it. She calls him out on stuff that I don't and in some ways that's also helped me to feel maybe it's not me.

He said he only has a certain amount of patience and atttentiveness, and once we had kids and at times when my health has been poor he says he doesn't have enough left to show me he cares anymore.

I thought about leaving around 10 years ago as it felt like me and the kids just made him so unhappy, but didn't because of the kids and because we go through times when things are good. I've recently thought again about our future with the children being teenagers. I have reason to think that once they are grown up things may change as he won't be under so much pressure and demand. But I have told myself if it doesn't I need to walk away. I've watched my mother stay married to my abusive father and I do not intend to make the same mistake- not that I see H's behaviour as abusive but I don't want to have a miserable life like she has. Over the next few years I therefore intend to get myself in a position financially where I could live comfortably by myself. On the rare occasion we have time together away from home (so he can't just work) and without the kids we have a lovely time, and I see glimmers of what the future might be, but I am not holding my breath and I know that I cannot fix him.

I also stay because despite everything I love him deeply, and he can display thoughtfulness and care at times, it's just that in recent years those times have been fewer and further between.

Don't really know what I want from this rather long and rambling post, just to be seen I suppose and know that I am not alone. It helps just to write it all down

@onlytuesday we see you. We hear you. We get it. I'm sorry.

I can't imagine holding hope as you have against the growing resentment of emotional abandonment in the name of self preservation (his). I can only see that after decades of it I too would have nothing left to give.

It's not for me to pass judgement but your plan sounds very sensible to me.

This resonates with me. DP cannot stand to be wrong. He will argue with the DC rather than “let them win”. I have explained that as adults we need to choose our battles and back down when tempers are rising. Children find it hard to back down. They are not reasonable beings. They find it difficult to lose face. It’s our job to know when to pull back. But he doesn’t see it like that. He insists that as the adult he is not going to be the one to back down. He will shout, he will silence them if they try to speak, he goes on and on and on repeating himself over and over. He will do all that in front of an audience so really humiliate them. He demands obedience. It’s awful. Often DP has got it wrong! But no one can get a word in to explain that.

My DC don’t accept authority like that. I’ve not raised them to cower. They simply have no respect for him when he behaves like that. His DC are more used to it and they know better than to argue back. They go quiet and accept their punishment. But I see the damage it’s doing. He sees this feedback as proof of his excellent parenting! And he sees the dissent mine give as proof of my terrible parenting. What he doesn’t see is that although his children behave for him, it is only him they behave for. They don’t behave for their mother and they are both bullies at school. Again he thinks this is proof that him and only him knows how to parent. He doesn’t make the connection that they mimic his behaviour towards others. There is a direct correlation between his authoritarian parenting and them both bullying other children I think. It is damaging them but all he sees is children who are too scared to misbehave around him and this reaffirms his methods. I have been very clear that he is free to parent his own DC as he sees fit but I will not accept that style of parenting towards my DC. When he tries to do this I step in and like you, I am accused of undermining him and not supporting him and letting them get away with stuff. I reply that I do not support that style of parenting even if my DC are in the wrong. And when they’re wrong I will calmly tell them so. I don’t need to shout at them for them to know they’ve done something wrong. Mostly they will huff and puff a bit and maybe answer back, but then think about what I said and come back and apologise. And no one has cried or shouted. And my DC don’t feel the need to go into school and bully other children. Quite the opposite in fact.

Unlike you though I can talk to DP about this stuff and he does reflect. He will calm down and apologise. Usually pretty quickly. He realises now that his DC lie to get out of trouble (or to get their sibling in trouble!) and he needs to listen to both sides. Shouting isn’t helpful and he shouts far less than he used to. His DC also know that I have their back and I stand up for them after he’s sent them to their room for disobedience. I also speak to them regularly about how bullying is shitty and I have no respect for this type of behaviour. I also tell them to cut their mum some slack. Even though I dislike the woman! And I’ve told DP to speak about her less critically in front of his DC as regardless of whether his criticism is justified, children need to feel safe. And having their mum endlessly criticised will be contributing to feelings of insecurity. And he surely must love his children more than he hates her! It’s not about being right. It’s about protecting his children. Again though it is difficult for him to back down from “being right”.

@onlytuesday

Yep so many things that ring true in your story. So many similarities. 🫂🫂
The one thing I’d say is don’t assume things will get automatically better once the dcs have left home.
I found dh is much more relaxed but Tbf it’s not enough. It’s not enough anymore. I think I’ve reached the bottom of my compassion bucket really.

I'm not blameless, I have had physical and mental health issues over the years and this has put a strain on our relationship too.

Like so many of us, you have some form of chronic illness.
Please do NOT consider that as a weakness that deserves blame. (No more than your dh should be blamed for his autism btw)
And remember that it is likely that your illness (physical or MH) is very likely linked to the stress of your marriage.
And yes dh didn’t (well doesn’t!) deal well with my illness. Which creates another problem. I’m chronically ill (would need support to live in my own really) but I can’t rely on him. In any shape or form. 😢😢