Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I’m sorry @OtterOtterOtter
Its beyond crap really 🫂🫂🫂

So sorry for your loss and the painful lack of support Otter

So sorry @OtterOtterOtter
they just don’t get it do they.
Although we weren’t living together at the time, H knew that my best friend of 48 years (we’d been friends since we were 2) years was dying a horrible death from cancer, leaving behind a husband and 5 children, aged 8 to 20. I was going over every weekend to support her and the family, cleaning, washing etc. when she died, I was there and am so grateful for that.
H said “well at least she wasn’t a relative”.
I should have ended it then.
much love to you @OtterOtterOtter

Otter and Bluebell I'm sorry, that's so sad to read.

Thank you for support everyone. So sorry @Bluebellforest1 - that is horrendous - I'm sorry you lost your best friend so young. How long ago was that? Are you with H now?

Life is full of sad and difficult things - and more so as we get older - I'm being naive to think I can cope will all of those things while living with an H that manages to make me feel so much worse/more lonely. I would have been so much happier coming back last night, having a glass of wine in the garden by myself, and going to bed with a good book.

Also - logistically - H has been leaving for work v early one day a week and I've seen how MUCH easier it is getting DC ready without him. I actually love it when he says he's working late or he's going away to see his parents - thigns run so much more smoothly.

I worry so much about the DC in a split, but i'm starting to really believe that he won't actually want them day to day and will be better suited to EOW and day outs. I have started to plan in my head for leaving in Sep. Tellling him at least. No doubt that will then mean about 12 months of living together separated which will be hell but i'm so unhappy- i have to do something. I told myself 2024 would be the year i either leave or i make peace with it and get on with my life without the indecision consuming me.

@OtterOtterOtter mentally leaving is the hardest part. In my own life I find that once I’ve resolved that part the rest is much easier.

@Rainbow03 he's gonna be absolutely horrible to me if I leave. God knows what he will do. But at least I'll be in charge of my own life. I'm going to give myself 3 months to sort spare room, do my research, tell a couple of friends and then I'll do it mid Sep and grit my teeth, protect my kids, and get through the storm. I've woken up determined. Hope this time it lasts.

@OtterOtterOtter I had it all when I left. Threats to hurt me, threats to make my life hell, threats to take his own life, being SUPER nice. I’m not going to lie it was a total mind fuck! But it was worth it, it will be worth it. Just remember a decent person ND or not would not behave like that. That fear has been given to you for a reason, to keep you from leaving. It’s not yours to hold anymore! Stay strong!

The wooden hug

Ive had so many of those.

Following the perfunctory norms…

Never any genuine interest in how my day was or how I’m feeling.

@Bluebellforest1 im sorry. This was awful 💐💐

Posting to vent, advice, support, not sure really…
OH is diagnosed ADHD with strong indication of ASD, but he doesn’t want to go for an official diagnosis of that. He definitely has very strong traits of it - my eldest son is ASD and I’ve taught many teenagers with it over the last two decades. He’s medicated for ADHD but gave up ADHD therapy after 5 sessions claiming it wasn’t doing anything, therapy doesn’t work for him, he doesn’t need it.
We seem stuck in a perpetual cycle of a week, 2 weeks, where everything is perfect, back to the first few months together when I felt the most adored, special, beautiful woman in the world. Then we seem to spiral down to the pits, where he seems unable/unwilling to communicate, and all our issues get blamed on my emotions.
I’ve recently started HRT and on my 4th course of therapy in a year to deal with childhood/issues leftover from my emotionally cold marriage which I ended 3 years ago.
I love my partner to bits, but he frequently deflects from any issue I gently raise, by throwing something at me from 4, 6, 8 months ago, that hurt him…. He seems unable to let go of stuff from the past and really take hold of this ‘fresh start’ we keep agreeing on.
I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically. I don’t know how we can improve our communication when I tell him simply what I need him to do for me, but then he never follows through. When I ask what he needs me to do for him, he says he doesn’t know, and just reminds me of more of my sins. Then we somehow manage to get things back to being great, largely because I stop asking for what I need and stop asking to discuss/resolve stuff, until it all blows up again.
I’m not perfect by any means, but I am trying to work on my issues. I really don’t know what to do, Any ideas?

This is the exact cycle I have also been in. On and off again even after I left the marriage. I am so sorry you are going through this. I had to let go of the "but he doesnt know better" mentality. That was keeping me stuck- HE DOES KNOW BETTER and now knows that he can use it to reel me back in. I started keeping a log- just a one line log with dates and short descriptions in it so that I could refer back to it in moments where I ask myself- is it me? am I the problem? After doing this for several months it was very easy to spot the pattern of behavior. I also learned how truly co-dependent I was and am taking steps to heal that in myself. Please take care of yourself and if at all possible, minimize contact with him as much as you can. Sending you warmth and strength.

I feel like the problem you are having with your partner is a figure/ground problem. You feel that the good-
attuned—loving him is the original or real him. And the closed off, blaming, grumpy person is an intrusion in the relationship. But what if its the opposite? What if the “real” him can’t cope with the amount of emotional intimacy you like and need? What if the way he is when he is grumpy snd rejecting is the “real” him.

A relationship can endure floods and droughts, good times and bad, as long as you are willing to hold on through the droughts to share the harvest. But what if your partner is a desert? What if there just isn’t enough water and good soil to produce a bountiful harvest regularly?

Eclipseboatwoman48 this is our argument cycle too. I find it bizarre to have incidents from 5 , or 15 years ago brought up when what’s happening in the moment is plenty enough to argue about, and it does feel like a deflection from my perspective. I’m sorry it’s so difficult. There’s no easy way to handle this.

Indeed @pikkumyy77 I realise now that the good times are actually still v much a drought. So asking how my day was. Giving me a kiss in the morning. They feel like floods of affection but in reality it is bare minimum stuff

@Eclipseboatwoman48 bringing stuff from ages ago is common here. Everything feels v transactional. So, "you can't be upset that I'm not listening, remember when you ignored me last Friday" or "if you work late tonight, I'll play video games on Wednesday". Nothing is about affection or support, but transactions of who is doing what.

@nl55 I have a log for about 6 months. When I read it back, i can't believe it. It's like my brain can only hold a certain amount of shit but when I look back....cancelling my birthday because he called me a cunt and refused to let my friends in, taking himself to bed for days, ignoring my mum because she didnt make him a big enough dinner. It's all totally shit.

Hello!
Long time lurker here. Been following this thread with interest. Trying to find support groups for partners at the mo and it is a nightmare. I found one I joined for an hour online and the host was just talking about her own experiences so I literally got 2 minutes to contribute 😫currently struggling with partner's ASD but I strongly suspect ADHD too. I can relate to so much on this thread! I have one toddler and am pregnant, and finding my DHs special interest is now the house we've moved into which needs lots and lots of work. For months now I've been feeling resentful so I bit the bullet and made an appointment with his psychologist, who is very good and helped us before. Only to be told I have to wait 3 weeks because he can't possibly take any time off work. Then yesterday "oh I'm WFH tomorrow as I've got some calls to make in the afternoon". WTAF. in desperation sent him an email as he's better with written communication. Waited for two days for a response: her couldn't find it. FML.
Hugs to you all long-suffering people! 💪

@OtterOtterOtter Yesterday 07:54
Thank you for support everyone. So sorry @Bluebellforest1 - that is horrendous - I'm sorry you lost your best friend so young. How long ago was that? Are you with H now?

thanks Otter, it was nearly 20 years ago now. H and I were not married then, heaven knows why I married him after that. I was divorced with 3 teenage boys and I think I needed the stability that I thought he would provide.
We are still together, I was all set to leave a couple of years ago, but didn’t. We are basically housemates, there is nothing in our daily lives that connects us, because anything I say is perceived as criticism of him and causes an argument. So I say nothing, live my life.

@OtterOtterOtter I’m so sorry about your friend and the horrendous day and lack of any emotional support from your DH. Your description of how he responded (suddenly remembered to tick the box of asking about it coupled with insincere perfunctory wooden hug = box ticked, back to me!) is exactly what my ASD dad would do.

I had a cancer scare once. Same week my DB got made redundant. I got a phone call from my dad telling me all this bad news had made him “very depressed” 😔

Also your description of everything being transactional and dragging up things from long ago to justify their behaviour. This is exactly my dad. Everything is done with a view to getting something back. Everything is logged. Nothing is done because he cares about anyone. I’m not sure he does care other than in terms of what he can get back.

My DB once had a back injury. Couldn’t walk. Was in bed in intense pain. My dad asked if he could help and my DB said yes please, could he pick up his painkillers from the pharmacy. That was FOUR YEARS AGO! Cut to now. It’s my DN’s birthday. As usual dad asks my DB what can he get for her. (He can’t put any thought in whatsoever and requires links to things he can just click and buy = present done (minimal effort) = box ticked. DB sends link but it’s something that has to be collected in person. Dad says he will have to sent to a store near my DB’s house so my DB can go and collect it. DB protests and says “I’d rather you didn’t. I work full-time. Can’t you have it sent to a store near you. It is meant to be a gift. Can’t you go to a small amount of effort?” Dad gets shitty and says no he hasn’t got time to pick it up (is retired! Not sure why he hasn’t got time. Just plainly doesn’t want to. Gifts given require zero thought AND zero effort as far as he is concerned!) Dad gets nasty and says he won’t pick it up, that my DB owes him because “remember when I went to pick up your prescription that time..??!” My DB was like “oh my god. That was FOUR YEARS AGO!!!! And I was unable to walk FFs!!!”

Nothing done that won’t be cashed in. Nothing done unless there is a benefit. Everything logged. He thinks this is normal.

So yes, I am very very sad for you. It’s bad enough having a father like this. Growing up was horrible. To be married to someone like this would be awful. You absolutely have my sympathies. They cannot change and simply do not have the capacity to be an emotionally giving partner. Everything will always be about them. You shouldn’t have to put up with it and you would certainly be happier alone. Sending you a huge heartfelt hug for your horrible experience the other day. 🫂 xx

I wonder if some of the behaviour stems from being so internally focused on your own feelings. When things overwhelm you (which is sadly the case with many people) you start to control others to stop the feelings from starting within you. Eventually nothing from others can trigger you because you get so good at disconnecting. Either that or you avoid, ignore etc. From the outside it looks very selfish but it’s just an attempt to sooth the inner self. I’m wondering if that’s what demand avoidance is about. It’s awful but my own daughter will turn the argument around or twist something into an argument if she is asked to clean up her room. She has deflected the fact she can’t do the demand because she’s overwhelmed and deflects it onto me saying I’m a bad mum, I’m this and that, brings up old stuff, whatever works to
stop her internal overwhelm. It’s so bloody hard with a child so I can only imagine with an adult…must be so hard!!!

Thanks for the replies - I don’t know how to reply by highlighting names… I’m a tech dinosaur… 🥴 But some stuff you’ve all said said stands out…
Transactional - yes! He claimed at the beginning that me asking for a little reassurance would never be too much, yet a lot of the time when o ask now (post the first 4 months in, now together about 14 months) he says there’s no point cus I don’t accept what he says, so he doesn’t give it. There’s an underlying issue with my anxiety and OH: about 4 months in, he started walking past me without speaking, touching my arm and saying he loved me etc It had all been so overwhelmingly lovely at first with physical affection, then those little bits really cut back. He doesn’t accept that at all, even though I raised it immediately and asked if his feelings had changed - no, he still adored me. It feels like I just stopped being his shiny new toy…. He’d leave me cooking in his boat galley whilst he sat in his phone in the saloon, whereas before he’d have stood hugging me whilst I chopped and stirred, laughed at me dancing whilst I was cooking. He stopped being part of me cooking. After us being together about 6/8 weeks he wanted to change his will to leave me everything: I said that was incredibly lovely but it was too early and I couldn’t accept that, but down the line, yes. He now refuses to change it cus I denied it then. Yet we’re risking getting pregnant each month (highly unlikely due to my age, but still….) and he doesn’t see how I feel anxious because I could find out I’m pregnant but he’s died in the meantime, and myself and his unborn child are not provided for…. His car insurance and post still go the Marina rather than to my home where he’s lived with me since last August, yet I’ve put him on council tax and lost my UC top-up because he’s living with me. His reasoning: I’m often not nice to him…. Yet he doesn’t/can’t see how he ever contributes to me becoming emotional in his emotional disregulation or in what I see as his lack of commitment to me….
Lack of effort as per one of your dads: he can go above and beyond - putting me on his car insurance and lending me his car very early on when mine was a bit dodgy, but a lot of the time now, he’s full of empty promises and doesn’t follow through with anything…. Was going to find a restaurant with live music playing back in Feb time, jazz band perhaps - it’s never happened, because I was then ‘not nice to him’ - but my PMT gets blamed for everything, rather than seeing that the issues in our relationship become magnified during that time and I become emotional because we never resolve anything so my anxiety increases….
Perpetual cycle - yes! And when we do have a slight blip, as all relationships do, he takes it as a major thing, when all it is is me asking for us to discuss something…. And then I get, oh, we’ve had 3 perfect weeks and now you’re starting again by bringing up something you need to discuss - why can’t we just be peaceful??? But I believe things need to be discussed asap and nipped in the bud, so as to resolve them and prevent them becoming bigger issues. He often closes down and refuses to discuss, or thinks we can solve it all with a hug and a kiss.
I really don’t know what to do. I love the idea of me secretly tracking everything - I will be honest about when I’m to blame due to my PMT or being too demanding - but I just wish he could go back to how he was the first 4 months: carefree, relaxed, overwhelming with the love and affection, emotionally available, where I felt the most beautiful, special person on the planet. It’s utterly breaking my heart.

@Eclipseboatwoman48 it sounds like an abuse cycle, intended or not. Lovebombing them once connected withdraw. You won’t be able to change this.

Yikes. You MUST get out. He will never go back to that first, lovely, sexy, guy. He doesn’t know why ir how to get back there. That wasn’t his true self. Mr neglect, mr transactional, mr grumpy, is his true self.

I am finding it very hard, the relentless catastrophising and focus on detail and being ignored when I am expressing very clearly and in (what is to me) an absolutely mortifying level of detail, the exact type of emotional support that I need to hear from a partner. And it’s still not possible for him to say kind words. I just get given both barrels all about what he has to deal with. I feel like a boiled frog.

You really think I should get out? Is it not largely my fault for being emotional?
It’s blown up again this morning cus I asked him to spend 5 mins hoovering my girls’ bedroom as I’m running late to go collect them from school 1hr away. Running late cus he persuaded me to go back to bed…. He said he’d try to get the hoo wrong done but he wants to get to his boat - he goes every (alternate) weekend when I have my girls. I said gently that I felt he was being a little unkind in putting his want before my need to get to my girls’ school on time. He couldn’t see my point, even though I spoke gently, and has gone back to his boat without a proper goodby leaving me sobbing.

@Eclipseboatwoman48 i don’t think it’s for anyone to tell you what to do, but if you’re hanging on to the hope he will return to the man you fell for then I would say that’s very unlikely. Either you will have to endure a continuation of what you describe which to many of us often feels like being in an abusive relationship OR you will have to seriously change yourself not to feel and react as you do now. I think many of us wish we had known what we know now as we would have gotten out years ago. With children and shared finances it’s impossible for many to leave. I suspect your future self will thank you if you call quits on this. It is unlikely to get much better, so realistically either you put up or you get out.

That said I have altered myself a great deal to accept what I cannot change and it has made life a lot easier. I have explained what I find unacceptable and DP has taken some stuff on board. I wouldn’t say it is hopeless. But he is a different man to my dad. Also ASD and whereas my DP has shown he can listen and change, there is zero hope for my dad. Other people’s feelings don’t really register / matter. They simply aren’t as important as his own and they never will be. So I suppose it depends what kind of man your DP is. What you describe doesn’t sound very nice though. And I wonder if you’d be better to take some time out to think about things.