Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I dislike Father’s Day as well. I struggle to find a card that doesn’t say “I love you so much” or “you’re my hero”. I deliberately look for one that just says “happy Father’s Day” as I can’t bear to send any of the other sentiments which would of course be a complete lie.

Right on cue my dad rang me at 10:30am (I didn’t hear the phone, mercifully). I know what he would have said: “are you gonna wish me a happy Father’s Day then?” Shortly followed by “where’s my card?”

It’s all just a tick in the box for him. He’s a terrible father. But it’s Father’s Day and he is a father = “I should have a card!” (Tick the box). I hate the way every occasion has no more meaning than a tick in the box exercise.

This is exactly it! I’ve also said I’ll do things but I’m not allowed to as I won’t do them right and he’ll do them soon…

@tinyredflower so that everything just has to stay as it is forever, in this stagnant kind of inertia and slow decay…

I made the stupid mistake of asking him why he is with me the other day. I know I shouldn’t have and I got shrugged shoulders and “I dunno”. I hope he does feel something. I hope it’s not that I just stuck around the longest. Do NT partners answer that question differently?

If I ask "do you love me?" the stock answer is "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you".

@Daftasabroom ive had that in the past. What does that even mean, based on what parameters is that??? It is a whole different language and I get so confused. I can even reach a level of understanding with his parents who the ND comes from. We have zero relationship and it upsets me but I have no way how it works. What in the love based on….your use?

@Fortheloveof83 the only explanation I can think of (and this is echoed others) is that I am expected to feel, experience, believe everything in exactly the same way as DW.

This is where I struggle. I was looking into NPD and Autism for example. They appear so similar, the only difference being they come from a different place. The effect on the recipient is the same. I can’t meet my inlaws where they are. My DH I can a bit more (well I think so). I’m quite flexible and understanding but his family I can’t understand at all. His mum will abruptly end
my conversation or interrupt and derail because it’s not important to her. It’s bloody rude. I understand why but it’s disrespectful to me and boundaries. I try in return because that’s what you do. I can’t relate.

I’ve been following this thread for a while and I’m finding it sad, validating and eye opening all at once. My DP of several years was masking heavily at the beginning of our relationship and that’s the version of him I fell in love with. Since being diagnosed last year he seems to be so focused on exploring his autism and what I perceive as almost indulging in his diagnosis that I find it borderline narcissistic, and draining for me. I can’t question or discuss anything because ‘well I’m autistic, I’ve been misunderstood all my life and now it’s my time to be me’. In this process of self discovery he seems to have completely forgotten about my feelings, our relationship goals and plans.
Has anyone experienced something similar?
I love him but I feel like I might have to walk away to preserve my own sanity.

@Daftasabroom this is very perceptive of you. I realise now that some of my ex's angriest outbursts against me were triggered by my not agreeing with him or not wanting to do the same thing as him. For example: not wanting to go on a cycle ride one day, not using his preferred weather forecasting app(!), not agreeing with his view of a politician.

It feels very selfish and why I think it mirrors narcissism an awful lot. They don’t see us as a separate entity with different needs thoughts and wants. They assume we are the same as them. I find the result the issue, the “punishment” as it feels. The anger and the manipulation
or the withdrawal or silence. That’s where it causes the damage if you aren’t aware what’s happening. In “normal” relationships we know that each has needs and we work on our own and we accommodate and support the others. It’s so difficult. I have abandoned all hope with my MIL as she sees me as faulty and withdraws and avoids me and it makes me feel invisible. I can’t change her but I do accept her and avoid her for my own mental health.

@Fortheloveof83 I feel like I’m expected to put everything on hold and just focus on his autism and give whatever comes my way full acceptance. If I share my recollection of events or my point of view I get one of these 1) he doesn’t remember it that way, therefore my recollection is wrong 2) I’m too sensitive 3) I upset/frustrated him so the conversation ends and we never get back to it. It’s exhausting and I don’t know how to change this dynamic.

@dontbeabsurd you accept that you can’t change the dynamic….unless you can physically perform some kind of brain surgery. He is a fixed human unfortunately. I believe it’s way easier if the Autism is discovered early. You have to have hard think whether you can live the rest of your life on his terms or not. I’m sorry. If not then you will have to go through the awful emotions that we all feel when leaving something you realise isn’t going to work. You can’t escape some hard emotions I’m sorry. Get some support around you because it’s not your fault, or his really. It is unhealthy to continue to think that any of your actions will change another person. We’ve all tried!

I would be interested to know this too. I had counselling a few years ago and the counsellor asked me why I thought my DH loved me and I said because I was organised and practical and she kind of laughed and said that couldn't be why he was with me, he had to love something about my personality etc, and I couldn't think of a single thing a he has never told me. I can think of loads of things that I love about my DH despite the many crap things, and I can remember what drew me to him.

@BustyLaRoux I had a similar trawl through the card shop trying to find fathers day card that wasn't gushy, it was really hard and it made me sad that so many gushy cards exist, I guess that means there are loads of people with dads they want to express that to. I can't imagine!

@dontbeabsurd it sounds like his diagnostic has given him the authorisation to stop masking all the time and to want to reclaim some of his needs.

Which tbf is fair enough. It must be really hard to mask all the time and to feel you’re doing things wrong.

However, what you are describing about not accepting stuff if you dont see things the same way (or remember etc…) is his autism.
It’s just that, as you said, he was masking whereas now, he feels he can just say stuff and you ought to accept it ‘because autism’. There is probably some black and white thinking going on there too (esp if he has come across some stuff that pushes the idea that NT should adapt around autism make allowances/adaptations).

It doesn’t make it easier for you. Actually it’s probably going to make it harder really.

Is your dh still seeing the specialist who diagnosed him (I’m assuming h it was private?)? Is there any follow up/guidance after the diagnosis?

@SpecialMangeTout thank you for your comment. I can absolutely see how exhausting masking must have been for him, and how liberating it is to be able to be an authentic self. However, it feels like the pendulum has now swung to the other extreme end (just like you said - black and white thinking): anything goes because ‘I am autistic’ and it’s not only affecting our relationship but his other relationships too and it’s upsetting because at the core he is a loving and caring person.
He had a one off assessment appointment with a psychiatrist. He’s hesitant to seek further support as he thinks it’s difficult to find a therapist who understands autism.

I’d agree with him about how hard it is to find someone who really knows about autism.
BUT there are some counsellors who are autistic themselves or really understand what autism is. I know some people who offer assessments also give support afterwards to teenagers (so maybe to adults too?)?

Youre right. He has let the pendulum go right the other way.
Finding it difficult to put himself in someone else shoes (and maybe alexithymia too) will make it hard for him to make the link the way he behaves now and people’s reaction.
How is it going at work? Are there any struggles too?

@SpecialMangeTout constantly overwhelmed at work. Exhausted mentally afterwards and needs the weekend to recover which means lots of things are put on hold.

Was it like this before his diagnosis or did he ask for a diagnosis because he was overwhelmed?

Talking with friends who are on the spectrum, it seems that what makes a difference is to understand what are your own flashing points, things that you will struggle with and put you in overwhelm.
That could help him ask for adaptations at work.

Eg I know both dh and dc2 don’t do well with too many questions at once.
Noise from an open office vs a smaller room etc…

But he’ll need to have some insight into his own behaviour/reactions and see they might not be helpful iyswim

I'm autistic and not NT but I would say what I love about my non-autistic partner is that he's funny and easygoing and cuddly, as well as reliable. I might not be able to come up with those things on the spot though. I need some time to think it through. My brain just isn't fast enough on that kind of question.

@dontbeabsurd I've been reading but don't really feel qualified to post as my partner is a decent human being and his ASD doesn't cause me big issues generally, ASD is officially undiagnosed we've assumed he's on the spectrum for years. Our child does have a formal dx of ASD.
However he has recently received a dx of ADHD. This has caused waves for us, it's been difficult. He is now having what I've referred to (mostly in my own head because I know it's not a sympathetic term) as an existential crises because it's making him question everything.

He is receiving counselling and he is very aware that his behaviour may have an impact on me and our lives. He has kept talking to me and none of it has been a put up and shut up conversation. Your partner may have a dx it doesn't give him a licence to start being a knob. If he has shown awareness previously then that can't have just vanished.
Asking him to be aware of his impact is not asking him to deny his feeling or mask but stating that if he wants a relationship you, you need to be able to work together to find the balance that supports his needs and desires but also supports you. If he has literally stopped caring, or decided that is the real him then I don't think there is much to come back from. But it isn't you I promise, don't sacrifice yourself if he isn't willing to hear you or get help to deal with his own emotions.

@SpecialMangeTout i think that at the moment he’s in a self validation and self acceptance stage which of course is so important. But I think therapy would help him so much with self awareness and improved management of some of his symptoms, especially anxiety and stress.
@Pashazade that’s how it comes across to the outside world which may not be aware of his diagnosis: an existential crisis. I’m hoping it’s a temporary adjustment stage.

I've been following this thread for ages. Today has been so grim I wanted to share

A very close friend of mine killed himself a couple of years ago and today I went to a inquest hearing about his death (he was under section when it happened). The inquiry was beyond grim

I've come home and DH's talking about how awful his day has been, complaining about colleagues, saying how he can barely keep his eyes open. He obviously then realised after about 40 mins and said "what exactly was it then that happened today" and gave me this awful wooden hug and then continued to talk about how bad his day was

I guess I thought for the really bad stuff he'd be able to think about me instead of himself. But no.- I'm actually surprised. Don't know why. I feel so let down.

So sorry @OtterOtterOtter 😥. The ‘wooden hug’. I’ve had so many of those. I’m sending you a proper heartfelt hug after everything you heard today xx

😥💔@OtterOtterOtter