Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Thanks Busty! How do I link in to someone’s reply?
Is it your dad who has ADHD and ASD? Is that why you think he’s trickier to get through to than your DH?
I teach in an SEMH school, before that mainstream for 20 years, so I’m used to dealing with teenagers with additional needs, but being in a personal relationship with someone who refuses to take any accountability and just slings my sins back at me, is saddening.
I explained to him this morning that bringing up stuff from my past, from before I was with him, causes the shame and hurt to resurface, which then feeds into my anxiety, then my emotional reactions, and causes us damage. But he still can’t leave the past, my past, where it belongs. Things that are nothing to do with him, but that he’s devised an opinion on and now won’t let go.
I’m currently writing a scheme of work to teach ‘Wonder’ and one of the quotes from it is along the lines of: ‘If you have the choice of being right or kind, choose kind.’ DP has to be ‘right’, in his eyes, all the time. No compromise, no seeing that there might be an alternative POV.
I’ve got a lot of thinking to do this weekend.
Thank you so much for your support and wise words, everyone who has commented.

You really should not have to plead with your partner to love you, be interested in you, to care for and about you, to join you in tasks (big and little) that matter to you. Those things are absolutely basic. I might need to tell my DH of 27 years what I want or need, but I only have to ask once.

Today we are going out in very hot weather to shoot a little video for my University roommate who is very ill. Would he rather stay in the air conditioning? Does he think its stupid? I don’t know. Because since I want to do it he wants to help me.

If your DP isn’t built that way you can’t make him into that person anymore than you can make a submarine out of a wooden chair.

My partner is ASD. He may not be good at knowing what to do but once asked he’s there like a bear for however long. He’s been the same innocent, kind and honest to a fault man from day one to 4 years. In the wrong hands he could be easily taken advantage of . He tries so hard despite half the time not having a clue. It would pain me to even think about hurting him. Some of the people described on this thread just aren’t keepers.

And in my experience if mine ever DID get round to doing these minor household tasks he would down tools where he was the second that task was completed. Leaving saws, drills, lawnmowers, even extension cables that were plugged into the mains out in the garden in the rain.

Pouty malicious compliance.

And then the tantrum that he couldn't find his tools 6 months later...

He sounds lovely. I felt like this about my partner before we had children.

Eventually, the endless teaching and teaching him about other people's needs - small, vulnerable children who need and deserve protection from both parents yet had to live with a parent who centred himself every minute of every day - withered my love for him to nothing.

@letthegamesbeginagain we have a child together and I have another from previous relationship. He’s a great dad. He really does try hard and we both have to have each others backs as we have different strengths and weaknesses. I think it all depends on a lot of things like personality etc.

My wording was eventually - my H was fine when the kids were small.

I hope it works out for you.

As an aside "my partner is ASD" is disablist language.

My mistake I am also ND and don’t always word things correctly.

Yes @Eclipseboatwoman48 thats me. Not sure if dad has ADHD but definitely ASD. What you say about being right vs being kind (something I too often refer to) is exactly as you say: of course being right is the only thing which matters and it would be unthinkable to value kindness over being right. Almost “but why on earth would you do that?!”

He’s just a different person to my DP. My DP does try to support me, emotionally as well
as practically. He doesn’t expect a transaction in return. He can listen (though not always and sometimes things can descend into shouting and defensiveness very quickly) and has made a lot of changes regarding his behaviour. He does want to be a better partner, father, etc and when he is being approachable he knows I am trying guide him rather than criticise him.

My Dad isn’t like that. He doesn’t see the need to change and is oblivious to upsetting people. He is demanding and utterly self focused. Like a toddler. He values being right over anything else. He thinks everyone should consider his needs above all else and seems perplexed when that isn’t the case. There is no hope of him changing and my poor mum eventually had enough and upped and left.

I don’t know if your DP has capacity for change. He doesn’t sound all that supportive. A lot of storming off. A lot of blaming you. The dragging up the past thing: My DP does this a bit. I think it’s done to try and demonstrate how he has everyone psychologically mastered. He really thinks he is Sigmund Freud and likes to analyse people and explain their behaviour by using examples from their past. “Oh she’s like that because as a child……” or “you’re doing that because you feel guilty about…..” that kind of thing. He is pretty much always way off the mark and hasn’t got people nailed at all. But he thinks he has and he likes to sound knowledgable and authoritative on these matters. Is your DP using past things as evidence of his superior understanding of the human psyche (like mine)? Or do you think there is another reason for it? The difference is if I said to my DP that I find him doing this upsetting and I’d like it to stop, he would (begrudgingly perhaps) stop. If I said plainly “when you say x or y, I find it really upsetting. Please can you stop”. He would stop. He might feel a bit prickly, as though I was criticising him as he’s very prone to feeling criticised, but if I was clear it upset me then he wouldn’t do it anymore. It sounds like your DP has been told this and continues regardless. Again, he may think he is right and therefore that trumps any need to temper his behaviour in order to be kind. That is the kind of thing I would find quite hard to stomach. Lack of kindness. Inability to take on board your feelings even when you’ve been very clear.

PS. If you want to quote someone then the quote button below will include their post at the top of your reply. And if you want to reference someone directly without including their whole message then use the @ key and start typing their name (no space after the @). ☺️

@letthegamesbeginagain can I ask a genuine question? Why is “my [insert person] is ASD” disablist? Is it better to say some HAS ASD rather than they ARE ASD? I work closely with an Autism support team and I am sure people are often referred to as “being” ASD. As someone who has/is ADHD, I cannot say either term feels incorrect. But I don’t want to offend anyone!

Must be a personal thing. I don’t like to refer to it as “has” as it’s not a disease. I say am or is, it’s who I am. I am also sarcastic and emotional and proud and forgetful etc. I just think it’s personal. Some may struggle more with the behaviours and maybe want to distance themselves from the term so say has maybe.

On the language point, someone once explained it to me in terms of another disability; blindness.

You wouldn't say someone "has blindness"; you'd say they "are blind". The disability is a part of them, not something they have.

So I would say "Brian is autistic" rather than "Brian has autism". I wouldn't say "ASD" at all.

Thank you so much Busty for your reply!
Your OH sounds genuinely lovely: if someone is willing to listen and learn, a relationship can progress and strengthen, can’t it…. 🤔
My DP brings things up from the past, my past sins from before him, as evidence for why he goes quiet with me or withdraws emotionally from me - because he’s struggling to deal with the knowledge of whatever it was…. So his emotional reaction basically ends up being my fault because he doesn’t like something from my past. I had a couple of fairly wild years inbetween me ending my marriage and getting together with DP, and he wanted me to be honest about that, but now throws it back at me.
He’s insecure and has issues from childhood, but refuses to recognise this so won’t get help, and his insecurities can demonstrate as controlling sometimes. He frames it as love for me.
A lovely friend came round yest evening, and I also got chance to chat on the phone with my male best friend, and I’ve come to the decision that if he returns from his boat tomorrow, I’ll be giving him an ultimatum. I don’t like ultimatums, but I don’t feel I have a choice now for my mental health. So, he can never, ever mention my past again, or he can walk. Everytime he brings up my past, my shame and pain resurfaces, my anxiety increases, I become emotional, and that adversely affects our relationship. 🤷‍♀️ Also, if either of us have an issue, it has to be raised within 24 hrs of the issue occurring, otherwise it must be left alone and will be considered as having never occurred.
Being kind means allowing someone to move on and be the person they are now, not keep hitting them round the head with mistakes they made 18+months ago. I realise that now and it’s time to stand up for myself.
Thanks for the tech lesson. 😉

Ah yes then he is Autistic sorry was in a rush shouldn’t have abbreviated as definitely not a disorder. Thanks for giving the info. I’m ADHD tho! 🙈

@Rainbow03 a disorder is a defined medical term and distinct from condition etc. Disordered is actually a pretty good description of the way my own chaotic ADHD brain works.😕

@Eclipseboatwoman48 yeah DP can be very lovely. It’s one of the reasons I stick with it when things are rough. They have been very rough at times and I’m sure they will be again. It’s important to have hope. Hope that they can listen and change. I also have to listen and be prepared to change. I used to get very stuck on wanting to “fix” things immediately when there was bad feeling. I think my RSD would go into overdrive and I had to try and sort things out there and then. This invariably made things worse as DP is avoidant and he felt like I was pushing him to talk against his will. There’s a word he uses which I forget now. Meaning forcing your will on someone and he basically uses this whenever anyone disagrees with him about how something should be done. Of course the alternative is him forcing HIS will on how things should be done (!!) but self awareness isn’t his strong point and I’ve learnt to get better at ignoring stuff. Although generally ignoring stuff can be problematic in the long term (resentment, a feeling of never being listened to…) actually some of the time tactical ignoring is helpful as it means we can move on from some silly disagreement quickly without having to pick it apart and go over it. It’s not always necessary to make a thing of something. Ignore and move on. Sometimes this is the best approach. It’s something I’ve had to learn to do though.

I think your “ultimatum” is sensible. Stop bringing shit up that you’ve said you do not wish to discuss. It is shaming. You don’t want to go there. That is the dealbreaker. You could not be more clear. And talk or move on when there is a disagreement. No sulking. Talk about it or forget it. This is another area I had to ask my DP to focus on as the silent sulking is unacceptable. He still does it sometimes but far far less than he used to. I used to think he did it to punish me as that’s what it felt like, but I understand now he is just shutting down as he wants to avoid an escalation. I still don’t like it, but at least I know he isn’t trying to punish me. It’s a fine line and a work in progress!

Xx

I’m confused now!! (Doesn’t take much to be fair!). So when @letthegamesbeginagain said As an aside "my partner is ASD" is disablist language. what part of the sentence are they referring to? (I’m not trying to nitpick. Hopefully it doesn’t come across that way! Genuinely want to use the right terminology) You’re saying “Brian IS autistic” is correct. But @letthegamesbeginagain says “my partner IS ASD” is disablist language. Is it the use of ASD rather autistic which is the problem? I’m so confused.

I’m not saying anymore lol as I’m also confused and don’t want to offend anyone.

In my opinion these arguments about proper language are a distraction from the real issues people face. Its bad to act abusively to another person. Its bad to act cruelly. Its bad to treat someone as less than others on the basis of an illness, disorder, condition, or developmental issue.

But that being said terminology changes alllllll the time. Descriptions give way to euphemisms which give way to new terms as they are slowly seen as stigmatizing. Its a constant cycle.

Policing other people’s language and attacking them for ableism is not always appropriate or useful—it can definitely derail a thread.

Although I prefer describing myself as 'autistic' I am ok with being described by others as "having autism/ASD" too, but rarely use phrasing like that myself. When talking about DD I always say she's autistic. About H I say ND as I think he's AuADHD and that just sounds weird when said out loud! (ASD and ADHD). What I'm NOT ok with is "suffering with autism" as the receptionist at DD's school phrased it. That sounds like a disease!

@Eclipseboatwoman48 Your H sounds a bit like my first husband, who may or may not have been ND but most definitely very controlling and abusive. No man has the right to judge you and make you feel less because of your 'wild years'. No one. That is not for him to comment on. We are allowed to have a few wild years, it absolutely isn't for him to use thar as ammunition to control you by making you feel bad about it. My first did this all the time and I ended up a right Pollyanna-ish reserved thing because it suited what he wanted me to be. Hugs to you, you haven't done anything 'wrong'.

Gosh yes I know how you feel. It feels like a minefield!

“Suffering with…” really is awful. OK well I am going to stick with “is” ASD or ADHD or autistic or whatever and I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. As someone who is / has ADHD, I don’t mind either. Agree it’s much better not to police people’s language and call them out for being disablist (unless they use something like “suffering with” which really should be nipped in the bud!). When I saw that post I was really worried I might have been offending people left right and centre without realising! Thanks everyone for trying to set me straight. ☺️

Hear, hear! @Eclipseboatwoman48 I am
sure I could very well match your wild years with my own!!! I am not going to feel shame. But if someone were judging me and recalling incidents I’d rather forget all the time I probably would also feel shame. Luckily I don’t have someone like that in my life. It isn’t you or your wild years that are the problem. It’s fine for you to have those. You don’t need to revisit them in your mind over and over. I’m sure many of us have been there. It’s really unacceptable for your DP to keep on about your past. It is most definitely him that is the problem, not you or your past.

DS1 says it's is autistic or has ASD, ADHD etc. but it doesn't really matter. He has an Oxbridge degree in linguistics (and very proud parents considering we were told he'd never live independently 😎)