What is the best way to deal with someone who is passive aggressive?

[Pennies]

My mother's silent and wholly negative body language is doing my head in. Her "victim" act is second to none and she sighs as if we're all doomed.

I really hate it. I can't stand the guilt and I fed up of trying so hard to please her. If I ask her what's wrong she says nothing is up and I know that when she goes (she's sating for a few days) she'll tell me what a wonderful time she had (and she'll probably send me a fucking thank you letter too) when everything tells me she wants to be sitting at home. smoking fags and doing absolultely bloody nothing at all until Death comes.

No comments on loneliness and depression. She has both. I've tried to help her with both for the last 20 years. Nothing's bloody worked and now I've had enough.

Sounds like all you CAN do is pretend it isn't happening and take her at face value when she says she's fine- hey, men do that all the time!

Some people are just miseryguts, and enjoy the attention they get when everyone's fussing and pandering trying to find out what;s wrong. Just stop, get on with your day with her around, and ignore the sighing and the moping. She'll soon learn it's getting her nowhere and either snap out of it or tell you what's on her mind.

Only a few more days, anyway! Chin up

doh!.... she's staying for a few days

I've just done the whole ignoring thing and the sighing has just got worse and today, with friends she'd never even met before we had an "incident" whereby she was so bloody passive it ended up with her falling asleep on a chuffing hillside with two of us driving around to make sure she was OK. Long story but if she had just said she wanted to sit a bit of our walk out we'd have all been saved a lot of hassle.

I could answer this, but it would take a long time, and you would have to pay me....

Reaaly, PTC? I'm at the point of paying millions, I'm that desperate.

Sorry, I should not jest.
I would not say she was passive aggressive, there appears to be no hidden aggression element to her behaviour, rather, avoidance.
This is just 'passive' I would say.
How old is she? You say she suffers from depression, is she on medication? Maybe there are side effects. Where is her DH/DP/your father in all this? Is that a factor?

I think you have to stop trying to please her. You might not after 20 years be able to get to the route of the cause, and maybe you wont want to.

Have you tried to sit down and ask her outright what the problem is? Be assertive yourself and come straight out with it?

Iam sorry Pennies but the only way is to just not deal with her.

Passive aggression is just that. The person is very angry inside and it comes out like this so everyone else picks up the tab. Well done for recognising it!

There aresome good websites full of advice and they opened up a new realm of understanding for me, but the main thing is, as James says do the face value thing as much as you can stand it, and the rest of the time, ignore or avoid the person I'm afraid.

My family has its fair share and my mum is stuck in a real rut with my grandmother, who is PA in the extreme, and they wind each other up and then moan about each other - Mum will not step away and they both seem to get something from it but I get the moaning from both - till I say shut up!

My advice is always if a person is making you that uncomfortable, step away, but heck I can't walk away from my own mother and feel like if I did I would be terrified so I put up to a degree.

You're not alone

Pavlov!

Can you not see that the effect on others is maximum inconvenience and frustration? That's the whole point!

I think you just need to shrug it off and do what I can never do and let it go.

Go have a nice shower or a hot bath, or do something for yourself to forget the day (wine is good) and see what tomorrow brings.

She sounds like a handful though, you have my sympathies! I would have throttled her sat her down and virtually dragged it out of her by now, as I can't bear not to know where I stand with people. Why can't they just be normal eh?

Oh, the first part of my post was about the incident today, not the whole situation, didn't mean to sound flippant.

Depends if this is why she is doing it. Inconvenience and frustration by one person does not mean that is the intention or motivation of another.

In her 70's. Her DH (my dad) long gone with new wife after their crap marriage. On ADs for years with no discernable effect. Had counselling for a bit but - like everything else she tries - she gave it up.

She just lives in the past - it's dire. To the extent that she can barely acknowledge the present and the people within that i.e. my children, my DH etc. It's so hard to explain.

I do really feel sorry for her, her life has been quite hard (only child to parents more in love with each other than they were with her so she got left out and sent to boarding school whilst they did the whole Honk Kong expat thing) but at the end of the day she's got two happy and healthy children pots of money (yes I know money doesn't make you happy but it gets rid of a certain degree of worry) and a few friends (although hardly any close friends). I accpet that her childhood has had huge ramifications on her as an adult and I've tried to be supportive, encouraging, and even done the ignoring thing but it's got us nowhere.

I can't help but feel that if I ignore her as she gets older I might miss something crucial and she could suffer as a result and I'd feel so guilty.

I know I'm speaking so horribly of her but I do love her . It's just that her M.O. makes me so bloody angry too.

with Pav. - it doesn't sound like she is deliberately looking for a 'result'. - just acting and prob. feeling wholly inadequate. I am even verging on having some sympathy with her.. Unless the thank you card is a sneaky, undermining malicious one, she would be doing it out of 'form'?

But parents ARE tricky and I wouldn't presume to wander any further into your rel. with her.

Can't face confronting her. I can picture the hunched body language, hear the sighing, feel the guilt. I've asked her here to see if she can get to know the children a bit better. I know that if I confront her it will bring up all sorts of crap (20 years of my own frustration after my repeated and failed attempts to help her) and she won't want to come again and as her house is a pit and she has untrained dogs who shit everyhwere then there's little chance of me going to hers for granny / LO bonding and she won't want to come back here.

J&TGB - done the wine thing. Can't you tell my the typos

Panino and Pavlov- you're both right. But I just can't cope with that. I feel she expects me to send her a thank you card for each little kindness. It does my head in. If my kids ever send me a thank you card then I'd be appalled.

Poor woman. She sounds very depressed. I would absolutely say not passive aggressive. Maybe she is not seeing attention, maybe actually does feel her life is shit.

You absolutely cannot ignore her. I think you are probably just going to have to go with it. CBT is a good form of counselling for some people, but maybe your mum does not want people prying, and maybe at her age would not b up for 'changing her life' now?

What is it you want from her? Do you think you will get it now at her age?

OK - so how to deal with someone with 70+ years worth of inadequacy (much of it self induced)?

X-posts.

No "passive-aggressive" behaviour there. Just a whole heap of sadness - I'm sure she doesn't wish to be this way at all. Though one can see the strain it would cause others around her.

Just accept it and stop trying to find a remedy. She's past that.

Be your normal self, do your routine. It's probably good for her to be around you and your family, in a "normal" daily routine. A bit of stimulation even if she does not respond to it.

Tell her things but be gentle. There is no changing anything now.
Her life is behind her so don't stir it up by trying to get into deep discussions. Let it lie.
Tell her you sympathise and love her. That's the only thing you'll regret if you do not tell her now.

I'm so sorry, I have got it wrong - from the further info she does sound extremely depressed.

I thought she sounded PA from your OP, but actually though she is forcing some of the hurt onto you and others, it doesn't sound like she means to - more like she simply can't help it and has never had the right kind of help to make her able to be OK

I'm not sure what you can do. I hope you can somehow keep in mind that it is not your fault.
Has she been assessed by mental health services? They can sometimes help, albeit in a minor way.
I really feel for you x

You wont confront her? Could it be you being passive aggressive, to an extent, ie, behaving nicely to her, extending an invitation to your home with your family, but actually being extremely upset and angry but not telling her?

"Can't face confronting her. I can picture the hunched body language, hear the sighing, feel the guilt'

If she does not know, how can she do anything about it?
My MIL sends us thank you cards when she comes to visit, she is 74, I think its a generation thing. Its really quite nice, but we would never expect it. And we send them back, not because its expected, but because we think she might like it, because its the kind of thing she likes.
Sorry if I am sounding too harsh

I want for her to somehow get out of her locked in world and be able t have a normal conversation.

I want her to be able to go to a park and see the children playing and look vaguely happy about it.

I want for her to also realise that helping me to look after the children in a crowded environment is more important that making sure a bag of sandwiches isn't nicked from the pram.

I want her to understand that if she wants me to bring the kids to her house then she has to get her dogs trained so that they don't shit everywhere they like in the garden and that they aren't going to leave puddles of wee in the house.

I want her to ralise that schleping 150 miles to go to where the battle of Bosworth was isn't something a 2 and 3 year old are going to enjoy. (She gets utterly obsessed about things in a childlike manner).

I want her to stop being in a daydream and function properly.

I know this is probably a bit of a sweeping thing to say but from what I undersantd about ti i would say that her behavious borders on autistic but that whilst this was possibly latent in her younger years it seems more prevalent as she grows older.

I can see why you feel sorry for her... I also feel sorry for her and have tried to help her (CBT, normal counselling the works) and now I've just it the wall and I'm out of options and feeling angry. They pity and anger take turns holding court and today it's anger. Big Time.

I agree with others. She needs love, compassion, kindness and no expectations from you. Just give her what she needs.

Slim is saying the things swirling round for me to say. Underlining the "gentle" bit.
It doesn't sound like she will change and your efforts will frustrate you and make things worse.

Is there scope in approaching her as someone with the needs of a child? Understanding, respect, patience without "expecting" a first class response from them.

Oh i've confronted. Many times. And I instantly feel guilty.

X-posts with Pav.

Also, it does read like your looking at this dow nthe wrong end of the telescope.