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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is the best way to deal with someone who is passive aggressive?

92 replies

Pennies · 04/04/2008 23:13

My mother's silent and wholly negative body language is doing my head in. Her "victim" act is second to none and she sighs as if we're all doomed.

I really hate it. I can't stand the guilt and I fed up of trying so hard to please her. If I ask her what's wrong she says nothing is up and I know that when she goes (she's sating for a few days) she'll tell me what a wonderful time she had (and she'll probably send me a fucking thank you letter too) when everything tells me she wants to be sitting at home. smoking fags and doing absolultely bloody nothing at all until Death comes.

No comments on loneliness and depression. She has both. I've tried to help her with both for the last 20 years. Nothing's bloody worked and now I've had enough.

OP posts:
Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:07

Punch their lights out.

Pavlovthecat · 05/04/2008 00:08

I do understand, dont get me wrong. I have a MIL who I would love to be more interested in our DD, in how we are, to take an interest in things our family do, to act like she cares, to want to visit us more often, and like you to take more interest in a baby who is upset at falling over than the fact she has dirt on her trousers and it might stain.

But, it will not happen. She is who she is, and we are who we are, for whatever reasons, thats the way it goes. She is 74, and is not going to change her way for us. Indeed she does not beleive she needs to, or wants to. And why she should she? She is the older woman, has lived longer than us. Let her be grump if it makes her happy I say!

Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:08

I have only read the thread title btw.

Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:09
Blush
Panino · 05/04/2008 00:09

helpful, from our trainee psychotherapist.?

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 05/04/2008 00:10

Pennies, I completely see where you are with this and sympathise hugely. It isn't your fault yet it is making you feel that way, and no, she is not a child, she is behaving like one though and seeing an adult - particularly our own parent - behaving like this is hugely distressing.
I find it hard to advise but I do hear you. Pavlov and the others are telling you to treat her like a child as she is acting like one, and there is something absent in her that makes her act that way, but they are not seeing the huge impact this has on you.

It isn't fair and no wonder you feel angry. You have done the guilt as well, which is only natural. Don't be made to feel worse than you already do.

Original poster
Pennies · 05/04/2008 00:10

And done gentle.

I've done encouraging.

I've done supportive.

I've done furious.

I've done loving.

I've done confused.

I've done ignore

I can honestly say there isn't a tactic I haven't tried. She just seems unhappy with everything. I feel huge pity and sadness for her which is tinged with anger with her for making me feel that way and for her making me feel that it's my job to resolve it. Which it isn't, but I feel it's my job to try and bring some sunchine into her life but I just don't seem able to do it.

OP posts:
Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:11

I gave a and explained I'd only read the thread title, I thought it was a funny thread. Who is being passive agressive now eh?

Panino · 05/04/2008 00:12

Tell her that you love her lots. Sad, but it does read as she does have the needs of a child again.

Can't think of anything else. Sad situation, but do please try to not beat yourself up too much in frustrations.

Original poster
Pennies · 05/04/2008 00:12

Oh flight - you've summed it up so well. Thank you. Now where do I go from here?????

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 05/04/2008 00:13

Pennies, you have my sympathy, she sounds a great deal like my own mother. who I haven't had the energy to ask for stay for two years
my policy is to treat it like toddler behaviour - i.e. ignore it, pretend it isn't happening, be very cheerful and don't let it get to you.
easy to say, I know.

Original poster
Pennies · 05/04/2008 00:13

Mhamai - I've been close, believe me. In fact it's the only tactic I haven't tried!

OP posts:
Panino · 05/04/2008 00:13

P. - forget the sunshine efforts. She wouldn't recognise it in any event.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 05/04/2008 00:16

Darling you can't. You can't replace what she lost all those years ago. You can't and she can't expect you to and nobody can do it for her.
It's terribly sad.

The building of walls inside your head option might be worth looking at. That is, learning to field the vibe from her so that it bounces right off you without sinking in. But it will take lots of practice to do this.

I would be furious too and nobody can blame you for that.

Panino · 05/04/2008 00:16

flight - that isn't fair. No-one says treat her like a child as she is behaving like one,and we ARE recognising the strain on Pennies. It is an incredibly difficult circumstance.

Pavlovthecat · 05/04/2008 00:17

mhamai - lol!

slim22 · 05/04/2008 00:18

I want I want I want. Now THAT sounds like passive aggressive!

Pennies, you have to find a way to get over it. It's not easy seing them getting older and indifferent. Honestly do you see yourself actively involved with your 3 year old grandchildren when you are 70+?

My mum is in her sixties. She did the whole granny thing with my sister's kids 10 years ago and now with DS well, she's there and bakes a cake when we visit but that's about it.

Her upbringing is very similar to what you describe about your mum. We are not extremely close because of her own relationship with her mother. We never really spent time with our gran because my mother did not.
She is very private. Is not inquisitive about our private lives. we respect her in the same way.
We all know what's underlying. As it is nothing sinister, we can all live with it.

I have a much better relationship with her for being gentle. She occasionally opens up.
My sister is exactly like you and they are like cats and dogs.

Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:19

Pennies, my heart goes out to you. My df is 80 and went into a nursing home in October, he has Alzheimers disease, although he is still only in the mid stages, he has gone down hill rapidly since Christmas.

The thing is, there are times when he through God help him this utterly cruel illness will tell me that I don't care about him. He is regressing and at times I feel like I can't cope.

I believe your roles do swao to an extent, ie you become the parent and they the child but you really do have to sometimes be firm with them.

Your own wellbeing is very important. I was amazed that although dad is ill, the nurses have encouraged us to be gentle but not to be taken to being manipulated. Have you friends in a similiar situation?

I find sometimes just having that space to share your frustrations help. I'm sorry about my earlier posts btw.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 05/04/2008 00:20

Bit of CBT might help you deal with it - as in finding some tactics in order to not be affected too much when it is happening. That is all I can think of, apart from eing aware of your own feelings, and how important they are, and that it is in her, not you, that the problem lies.
And of course venting here on MN

There is a good thread about stately homes that might help. I've joined it myself but not a regular contributor so far. They are a lovely lot all with dysfunctional parentage

harpsichordcarrier · 05/04/2008 00:21

slim22 speaks a great deal of sense.
acceptance is probably the key.
and lots of space to vent

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 05/04/2008 00:22

Sorry Panino, I didn't mean you, just some of the other responses were a bit neglectful of the fact the OP is suffering too. I didn't mean to sound unfair. I am having a shit night and just trying to help, not doing a grand job of it, I'm half asleep. Will leave it now. Sorry.

Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:25

Flight, don't mind pannnnnnnnwhatever it is now, he has passive agressive tendencies.

Mhamai · 05/04/2008 00:26

Oh and not to mention identity one to boot!

Pavlovthecat · 05/04/2008 00:26

IM - if you were referring to me, you should say so...should you not? I can take criticism, if it is directed to me.

Panino · 05/04/2008 00:28

no flight, I didn't think you meant me solely. This is another eg. of the limitation of reading a brief entry on someone's extremely complex rel. (as they all are!) and trying to be brief and exact in response and helpful. 'Tis a minefield, I tell you.