Do men struggle to commit to independent women?

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I know not all men are the same. But generally do women who have a decent income, house and generally no need for a man find that men just don't seem to commit to them. I feel like maybe it almost works against you if you don't need them to support you in any way. Like are they looking for a damsel in distress?

I don't know if it's just the men I've been with but none of them ever seem to bring up a future, children, buying a house together. I feel like I've dated different types of men and starting to wonder if it's me at this point 😂 I did have one partner move in at one point, but always felt like he didn't really like the idea despite being together a few years, but when he moved on to the next girlfriend they moved in together after a few months.
I've been in a relationship for 18 months and the closest we've gotten to conversation about the future is he would consider maybe moving in together in a few years. I've brought up in conversation about maybe putting my house up for sale next spring because I want to get a few things done on the house and garden before selling, he asked what the rush to sell is. I think he's hoping I hold on for the indefinite period of time before he would consider getting a house together, but tbh I don't want to wait years to see if this is gonna happen. We are adults in our 30s I feel like waiting 3-4 years (maybe more, who knows) to see if you want to live together seems pointless, I'd rather sell up next year when I'm ready and if he's not ready to move together, then I plan to go ahead with finding my forever home, because at this point I can't see a future where any man willingly commits and I might as well just go get what I want.
I feel like if I lost my job and needed to move in with him then he would offer, but I would like commitment, without a specific need forcing it

I know not all men are the same. But generally do women who have a decent income, house and generally no need for a man find that men just don't seem to commit to them. I feel like maybe it almost works against you if you don't need them to support you in any way. Like are they looking for a damsel in distress?

No, quite the opposite IMO, when men know what they want they’re quick to put a ring on it. I had a decent income/house/independent etc. when I met my husband and we were moved in/engaged pretty quickly. His ex was nothing like that and they were casual for years.

If these men aren’t giving you what you want, dump and onto the next. I think that’s probably part of what “made” my husband commit tbh, he knew if he didn’t I’d just move on and find someone else as** I was pretty secure in myself.

. But generally do women who have a decent income, house and generally no need for a man find that men just don't seem to commit to them.

Most of my friends and colleagues have decent incomes & are very independent. Absolutely no evidence whatsoever that they have issues with men committing.

It's only 18 months.

If I'm making a lifelong commitment, I want to do it on more than a broadband contract, to be fair

@baileys6904 I'm not expecting everything to happen right this second but I would expect some sort of thoughts about the future by now. Like if I'm thinking of putting my house on the market next spring , by the time I've sold it we'd have been together at least 3 years by then, you'd think he might be making plans to consider purchasing together at that point. At the end of the day we're in our 30s if he wants children with me, realistically I've got about 3-5 years left before I would no longer consider it an option. So waiting a few more years, basically means children are off the cards

I don't expect to have bought a house and be pregnant with his child at 18 months, but I would like a man I've been dating for that long to be considering a future with me by then

No, many of my colleagues and friends from uni fit the independent, self supporting type but they are in the main in long term relationships. Relationships come and go, a persons value isn’t based on whether they are coupled up.

Loads of absolute tossers are in relationships remember. They are still tossers.

I guess I've just noticed out of my friendship group, the ones that seem to end up in the position where they've needed a man for support more, e.g living at home with parents unable to afford to move out, single mother struggling financially seem to end up in a relationship and the man seems to have no hesitation moving them into their home, supporting them financially, having children together, they seem happy non abusive relationships.
I just get the feeling even if a man likes me, they don't see the point in progressing anything, because there's no immediate need
But from some of the previous replies maybe I really am just unloveable

I think it depends on the man. Insecure men perhaps feel more threatened by independent women as they see equality as an affront to their masculinity, and would rather settle down with someone who makes him feel special not as an equal. A decent, well adjusted man is would have no issue settling down with an independent woman.

At the end of the day we're in our 30s if he wants children with me, realistically I've got about 3-5 years left before I would no longer consider it an option. So waiting a few more years, basically means children are off the cards

does he really want children? , or the more difficult question- does he want children with you ?

I'm sure you're not unloveable OP! You've got a lot going for you. Please don't ever value your worth on the basis of the behaviour of one guy. Who knows what's going on in his head? Maybe he thinks you're already sorted and secure so he doesn't need to progress anything just yet?

Of course you're not unlovable !! I would go to counselling to unpick this if I were you. And help you notice what's going on. Just from your posts it seems you're very passive in relationships waiting to see and wondering if the men might want to move in one day. I bet the women you mention who are coupled up were assertive and took the lead on all of the plan making with their partners

How long have you been together? I wasn't sure whether it was 18 months or 3 years?

Yes you need to ask

You see I suspect that you feeling unlovable is part of the problem and it maybe good to address some self worth issues. Many people have hang ups from younger years based in self esteem/worth and that actually comes out as an energy that they are obvious to. People can feel that stuff about a person even if the person tries to hide it.

So a person can be independent like you are saying but more emotionally in need of feeling worthy and that can affect how they interact in relationships.

Even outside of potential future relationships, the best investment you could make in yourself is to start to appreciate your worth as a person and it doesn’t come from others. Who are you? What’s great about you? What do you love? What’s not so great that you need to put a bit of effort into working on, that sort of stuff

Most of my friends including me, the woman earned more initially than the man. We’ve all gone on to marry and have children, so I don’t think they are put off. I know men at work whose wives earn loads more than them and they’re proud of them. So, no I don’t think it’s the case all men want a certain kind of woman. The same way women don’t all want the same kind of man.

I don’t think you’re unlovable at all, just picking the wrong guys which happens to most of us. I certainly went through a phase where nobody would commit to me etc. so please don’t feel like you’re the problem or hope is lost because that’s not true!

I think in your 30s after 18 months it’s perfectly reasonable to be living together, if he’s said he doesn’t want to do that yet then say “look Colin, I’m having a great time with you and see this going somewhere, but I’m in my 30s and don’t want to be messed around or strung along, so if you’re not as into this as I am then I think it’s time we part ways” and mean it.

Then onto the next one. I also think it’s fine to state your expectations fairly early on as in “I’d like to get married/have kids in the medium future, I’m not sure if that’s with you yet, but if things work out I’m looking for someone that wants those things too and is ready to take that next step”. Don’t worry if that “scares them off” and dump at the first sign of future faking, actions speak louder than words.

Also, dating is very much a numbers game, keep going!!

You can still be a ‘damsel in distress’. There just needs to be someone in your neighbourhood that is making you feel uncomfortable. Your man can then save you from the situation and invite you to move in.

I was getting upset as my housemates would get angry at me for leaving my personal heater on all day when I was out at work.
DH suggested I come live with him.

OP, that man has no intention of committing to you, ever.

18 months is more than enough time to know how you feel about someone and it is clear he has no interest in moving things further beyond what you are getting now.

Nothing to do with you being independent or not and all to do with him keeping his options open.

My advice is make sure you don't waste so a long time waiting for a man to give you what you need. Make it clear early on and move on if they are not on the same page.

Putting aside relationships from your 20s, where there's a more plentiful supply, I wonder this too.
I am never convinced by these comments saying "tell him where you're at" as I do that and the same thing has happened to me - they've promised me things, with actual deadlines, then moved on rapidly. I'm not passive in my communication and I suspect that's an issue. They want someone more passive.
I do tend to flog a relationship even if it's not right. I've got a scarcity and unlovable mentality too.
I've never been in something where they've moved in 'within months' etc and always wondered - how do these women manage it? But then equally, comparing these relationships which seem to go at lightening speed, I don't think I would be happy. It doesn't suit my character. Fundamentally we'd be incompatible as the other partner would want to be the driver, and I wouldn't want that.
So in conclusion, yes, I think there's some merit in what you're saying, but that doesn't mean you're unlovable simply you haven't met someone who you're compatible with and communicate clearly with.

No, in my experience being independent is an attractive trait.

Not all men like the same things.

It isn't about you being 'unloveable'.

It's about this particular. He might not be the man for you. He might not want anything long term with anyone. He might be a bit immature when it comes to relationships.

You need to talk to him.

Isnt the question do independent women struggle to commit to men?

I don't have that problem, I think alot of independent women without children in their 30s are happy to move along a relationship to have kids and move in together if that's what they want. My question was about men who say they want serious relationships and kids, but never seem to want to progress any further than dating, meeting each others parents and friends and then it just stalls because there's no sense of urgency from them. Yet the same men could go on to meet a woman who is struggling to support themselves a bit more and they seem to ride in like a knight in shining armour and commit to that woman within a much shorter time span

Not at all and three of my women friends are the major earners by far in their relationships.

What do you have to offer a man?

If you have all the things a man could provide already, what would a man get out of being with you?

You've literally said "no need for a man".

People don't tend to spend much time or energy on people or places where they aren't needed.

Very few men want children, they tend to be the product of a relationship, they come with the house, the dog, the marriage. Fundamentally, most men want to provide, feel needed, give protection, there is imme se satisfaction in that concept for men, similar to how most women find satisfaction in motherhood.

But you don't need any of things men find satisfaction in providing. So you aren't someone who men want to be with.

I am very independant and my partner was keen to commit.

Maybe he isn't ready to move in together now but he should absolutely be up for a serious discussion about the future with you after 18 months. You should know where you are going in life and if you are looking towards going there together. Will you be having kids, will you be marrying, will you live together. Discussing these things doesn't commit him to them but indicates what he wants. If he can't have those discussions he is not a keeper!

Id like to think I offer something other than just needing him in order to survive and keep a roof over my head. We do things and go places together, gigs, meals, holidays etc. normal relationship stuff.