Do men struggle to commit to independent women?

[Legacyloops]

I know not all men are the same. But generally do women who have a decent income, house and generally no need for a man find that men just don't seem to commit to them. I feel like maybe it almost works against you if you don't need them to support you in any way. Like are they looking for a damsel in distress?

I don't know if it's just the men I've been with but none of them ever seem to bring up a future, children, buying a house together. I feel like I've dated different types of men and starting to wonder if it's me at this point 😂 I did have one partner move in at one point, but always felt like he didn't really like the idea despite being together a few years, but when he moved on to the next girlfriend they moved in together after a few months.
I've been in a relationship for 18 months and the closest we've gotten to conversation about the future is he would consider maybe moving in together in a few years. I've brought up in conversation about maybe putting my house up for sale next spring because I want to get a few things done on the house and garden before selling, he asked what the rush to sell is. I think he's hoping I hold on for the indefinite period of time before he would consider getting a house together, but tbh I don't want to wait years to see if this is gonna happen. We are adults in our 30s I feel like waiting 3-4 years (maybe more, who knows) to see if you want to live together seems pointless, I'd rather sell up next year when I'm ready and if he's not ready to move together, then I plan to go ahead with finding my forever home, because at this point I can't see a future where any man willingly commits and I might as well just go get what I want.
I feel like if I lost my job and needed to move in with him then he would offer, but I would like commitment, without a specific need forcing it

"Very few men want children"

Err... What?!?!

I have two brothers. They're both desperate to have kids with their partners. My DH wants more kids than me!

I literally have no experience of men not wanting kids - all my close male friends want kids too. The only people I know who don't want kids actually are a couple of my female friends who are adamant they want to stay child free. AND for one of them, their DP just broke up with her because he's so desperate to have kids someday.

Men want kids. Obviously some won't, but the majority definitely do

So true. I always post this on here but there's an interesting study that if your male partner is age 40 or above you are three times more likely to miscarry a pregnancy.

Yet miscarriages are always painted as a women's problem. It just as likely to be caused by aged sperm

@chocolatecoveredpeanut Men don't "leave it late." They either haven't found a person who wants to commit to a relationship, or they don't want to have children.

Either way, they should consider the viability of their sperm as much as women do.

And I would say some women "leave it late" for the same reasons men do - I think it is quite obvious why people don't have children, the difference is women are aware of the potential problems.

@chocolatecoveredpeanut

Either way, they should consider the viability of their sperm as much as women do.

They do.

And I would say some women "leave it late" for the same reasons men do

Men who want children don't "leave it late" because they aren't "leaving" it. Men who want children will actively pursue this, but they may have difficulties finding a woman who wants to have a relationship.

Have you looked at the data for a typical dating app, like Tinder? Men outnumber women by 3 to 1. If a man swipes right on a woman's profile, the change of that being a match (for the average man) is less than 3%. For women, a right swipe will result in a match 35% of the time.

Well I've never met a man worried his sperm is ageing and could create kids with disease or cause miscarriage. I am confident it isn't in the top 10 things men aged 30 are worried about but if you think they do all know and worry about it, why do you think most men on this thread haven't mentioned it as a factor important to dating?

I think it's a massive patriarchal myth that women want children and men don't. It puts women in the role of always being the ones more desperate to be in a relationship, and men able to pick and choose.

I know a lot of sad childless men in their 50s. They believed in the fairytales and left it too long.

When push comes to shove, if a woman really really wants a child, she can go ahead and just have one, relationship or no. Donor sperm, one night stand- the choice is hers.

Broody single men? No such luck my friend.

Usually most decent men have already been snapped up by time they are 30.
I used to be passive, do everything, i never was treated right nor did any man commit to me, i then became very independent and they still dont want to commit. The better ones are usually taken, the ones left, with rare exceptions, are just out for themselves.

@chocolatecoveredpeanut Well I've never met a man worried his sperm is ageing and could create kids with disease or cause miscarriage. I am confident it isn't in the top 10 things men aged 30 are worried about

Probably because they're 30. Men aged 30 aren't worried about fertility, just as women aged 30 are also not worried about fertility. It would certainly be a concern among older men and women aged 40+ who want to have children.

but if you think they do all know and worry about it, why do you think most men on this thread haven't mentioned it as a factor important to dating?

Why would men consider ageing sperm as a factor important to dating? It's not as if it can be changed.

30 is old when it comes to having kids and fertility levels drop, just as sperm ages and becomes less active and more prone to epigenetic changes.
I can only guess you are not a woman because women in their 30's who want kids are definitely thinking about their age. By 37 you are already far less likely to conceive.

Surely if 30yo men are dating and want kids, men should be thinking about ageing sperm and the increased risk of it causing miscarriage too. I very much doubt men are as aware as you are trying to make out they are.

@chocolatecoveredpeanut 30 is old when it comes to having kids and fertility levels drop

The average age of a first time mother in the UK is about 30. But you're welcome to create your own thread and let every woman on mumsnet know you think 30 is "old" for starting a family.

Surely if 30yo men are dating and want kids, men should be thinking about ageing sperm and the increased risk of it causing miscarriage too. I very much doubt men are as aware as you are trying to make out they are.

I guess you must have psychic powers as you claim to know what men are thinking. I have already explained that if men want children, they will have them. Men who don't want children either (a) don't want them or (b) cannot find a woman to start a family with. I have already quoted statistics from dating apps (as an example) which show that it is very difficult for men to encounter a woman who wants to have a family with them.

'He would consider it in a few years.'

I wouldn't buy this.
So he expects you to hang around for 2/3 years and pray to god 'he' decides he wants a future with you.

I would get rid of him and find someone who genuinely wants a future with you, not someone who is just a bystander.

Don't let him waste your time and hold you back from getting what you want out of life.

Good luck 💐

I sympathise completely OP.

My three serious relationships developed into:

• man wants control to the point of resenting that I work.
• man wants relationship but no children
• man wants house keeper / mother replacement

I gave up in the end. If there are men out there who want a mutually beneficial supportive & equal partnership, I never met one.

@shuggles Those are Tinder's marketing figures. You don't actually believe them, surely !?

The majority of men on dating apps are just looking for transient sex.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to generalise about what men think or do. It's entirely contextual, based on the dynamics of your relationship with
them, how you are together and any subtle subliminal messages being given off that will influence how your relationship works as a partnership, plus the time in your life when you're together.

i had to laugh about the "commitment longer than a broadband contract" - well mine and DHs was after two dates, so I don't know where that puts me! Context is everything, we'd both been through the wringer and decided there was no point playing games, we found each other on OLD (which in itself is a cesspit at times) and decided the timing was right at that stage in our lives to get together.

It had nothing to do with me having a house and job, as an independent woman and everything to do with what we both needed (which was to be together). You just need to find someone who has the same aims as your's, not worry about what other people are doing because it isn't relevant to you.

OP, have you told him how you feel? About wanting to be settled in a forever home? About wanting to try for a child?

The 3-4 years thing is not on. He's a grown adult, he should know if he loves you by now. If he doesn't want to commit, it seems he is waiting for someone else to come along.

If you've communicated your hopes & wishes clearly and he shows no enthusiasm, it's time to look elsewhere.

@Meadowfinch Those are Tinder's marketing figures. You don't actually believe them, surely !?

Tinder publishes marketing figures to show their app is deeply unappealing to men?

Sounds like the marketing team doesn't know what marketing is...