How to move on when it was my fault?

[Googoodoll87]

Hello, I have posted before about my partner of 12 years leaving in January and I got some really good advice but I am still struggling badly, I desperately want to stop thinking about it and get over it but I just don’t think I ever can now that I have realised him leaving was my own fault.

Today I have realised that I have caused him to fall out of love with me, I should have been more tolerant as nobody is perfect and I’m not going to find anyone else as good as him. I have ruined mine and my daughter’s life for trivial things I should have just put up with. How will I ever get over this now?

Im not happier now, it doesn’t make my life better in anyway, I’m worse off financially and I’m alone. Whereas he has a big new house and a much better partner now and is much happier.

He said I wore him down through time. I made him feel guilty for going out with friends which I think I did as although I didn’t stop him I would ask him not to get too drunk or be out all day/night etc as he would be out usually from midday and not come back til early hours of am and I wouldn’t know where he was or if ok so would phone him to see when coming home. He also used to urinate in the house or try to so I would be kept awake all night to try and stop him from doing so but he didn’t actually go out that often so I think I should have tolerated this.

I was also left to everything house, child related and I would become downtrodden by this and sometimes nag him about his messiness but again I think this seems to be normal and he made good money so I feel I should have tolerated this.

He was good in lots of other ways, good money, security, I fancied him, we got on, we were a family, he was faithful until I pushed him away although he is adamant he didn’t cheat at all.

In hindsight I think I’ve ruined the best relationship I could ever hope to have for trivial reasons. I don’t know how to feel better about this.

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry it’s so long x

I can't work out if you're trying to be manipulative here or not?

You've basically described a shit man, a shit relationship and a shit life and said it's all your fault?

Nope, not buying it.

Either way, I'm sorry you're hurting but you will get over it in time.

I'm also going through a breakup where the fault was mine.

It's important to acknowledge our fault but also to remember no one person is entirely to blame.

Relationships can be really hard work. We almost make them up as we go along figuring out what works and what doesn't.

Im working on forgiving myself too. All I know is punishment doesn't work.

Also re-reading it's clear your partner wasn't perfect and you had some healthy expectations of him. You weren't nagging him.

This sounds like a man with very little respect for you and not at all the best relationship you could hope to have.

A man who pisses in the house when he gets drunk is not to be tolerated. It isn't normal. A man who does that ought to be ashamed of himself and make sure it doesn't happen again. Not pissing on the floor is pretty much a minimum amount of expectation in a relationship, I'd say.

'Nagging' is bullshit. It's an idea cooked up by men to shut women up and make them feel crap for asking for totally reasonable help or support. Men who accuse partners of nagging ought to be asking why they're not actually doing what was asked of them first time. It's funny isn't it, that we have this ancient stereotype of 'the nagging woman', but not one for 'the man who never does what he is asked and then criticises the woman for asking him to do it again'? Hmmmm

You haven't 'worn him down' - he was too selfish to deal with even the mild and reasonable amount of boundaries it sounds like you were trying to set.

My advice is celebrate losing this crappy man and get some counselling to work on your self esteem so you can see you deserve better.

You suggest you should have been tolerant of him roaming the streets at night and pissing in the house - I expect more from my tom cat!

Lucky lady - big house - least he can piss discreetly in a corner

Ugh. Going out is fine if you get the same opportunity, getting drunk is fine from time to time. Pissing in the house is absolutely not OK!! Wtf.

Bluntly, he sounds disgusting, you’re well rid.

No I would never be intentionally manipulative.

I genuinely think I should have accepted these things for all the good the relationship had.

He would only go out once every couple of months and he was never an aggressive drunk like some men so I feel I should have just put up with it. Also I usually always managed to stop him peeing so he didn’t actually pee that many times, although he did once pee on my daughters part done jigsaw that was left on her table downstairs and ruined it.

The housework thing, every woman I know says the same. That they do it all so if that’s the norm I’m going to have that with any guy in future anyway along with whatever else as I know nobody is perfect.

Don't be daft, the things you list are not small things, they are atrocious, and to put up with them, is to be a doormat.
Take your blinkers off, he's doing a combo of rewriting history - you didn't stop him going out, you just rightly wanted him to be responsible too - and lying by claiming that all men are like this - only the single ones, as no woman worth her salt would put up with this behaviour.
It's only been 4 months, I think you'll find that there was an overlap, and he's claimed he was unhappy for a long time as a BS excuse for cheating. He felt guilty about going out, not because of what you said, but because he knew that what he was up to when out was wrong - be that drinking to loss of control ( of bladder and probably other things) or cheating.
Also, 12 years without being married, shows he was never fully in it to begin with. He's a selfish twat, who gets as far as creating a family, without taking responsibility for one, but you did let him.
You seem to value his earnings above all other things, so I hope the cms pays well and that you are still working.

Also I didn’t nag him to do housework as I didn’t expect him to it was more about annoying things I’d asked him to lease stop doing loads but he would keep doing like say leaving wet towel on the bed or not putting dirty clothes in basket just generally leaving things at his arse. Also I moaned about the grass not getting cut as he was supposed to do that but would always leave it til too long then say it wasn’t dry enough but it couldn’t ever dry as it was so long and we live in Scotland so it rains all the time. I used to get angry at that I admit.

It wasn't your fault, he sounds like a man child. Learn to love yourself a bit more than you will understand that you deserve better.

There are better men out there I'd give it time. And tbh being on your own is better than having to put up with an idiot.

Normally men leave as they have another woman in the wings. Then they tell you why you are awful and make it your fault. Are you sure he wasn’t cheating?

A man who pisses on jigsaws and roams at night and is a lazy toad is not a catch.

Write a list of his shitty attributes. Open a bottle of wine. Toast the fact this loser is someone else’s problem.

I have lived with a few partners and all pulled their weight from day 1. I never took responsibility for all the housework/cooking/gift buying etc. I think sometimes women do it in the early days as a sign of affection and kindness then it’s expected. It’s best just not to do it from day 1 - expect them to pull their weight and don’t pick up the slack.

Urinating in the house = best relationship you could hope for - trivial reasons.
You deserve way better than this. Be thankful he has gone, someone else’s problem now.

The more you list, the more you are just giving examples of reasonable requests.
Sure, the next woman is enjoying his big house for now. Will she enjoy being the only one keeping it tidy? Will she enjoy being left with DC's and waiting up to prevent him pissing all over it?
You seem to like to hide with blinkers on, it's your comfort place, so I'd say you need counselling to uncover why that is.
It's doubtful that he suddenly left wet towels, socks etc laying around and did nil or minimally domestically after your DC. He would of been exactly like that before your DC arrived as you'd been with him for years, so must have seen it all before. It just got to you more when you had enough to do already. Your only fault is expecting him to grow up and behave differently once you had DC. He didn't, a lot don't. So what you should of done is asked yourself if you wanted to have a baby by a man who behaves like this and who hasn't put a ring on it - that was your big mistake.

Are we talking about a human man or a tom cat?

TBF even as a young tom my cat never urinated in the house. Although he did disappear off for days at a time.

Well what did he have to say about piddling on a child's toys when drunk? I wouldn't have thought most decent adults would let that happen once let alone not change their behaviour radically afterwards.
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This isn't to say it's not healthy to reflect on ones own role but please do not go shouldering all the blame here just because there are challenges to being single. There are some behaviours that deserve 'nagging' if we must use such a sexist word that never gets levelled at men and peeing in the house or near misses is one of them. Give things time and I think you'll realise you may have done the right thing. No, he probably wasn't all bad and that's great. You don't have to coparent with an arsehole. Maybe you can even become friends one day. But really, you'd had enough. Remember how that felt

In my opinion after reading your first post. OP, I don't think your relationship was very healthy tbh.

If you feel you should have accepted a man that pissed all over the house after going on a bender, and treated you like staff then you shouldn't have too much trouble replacing him, they're ten a penny in the local Weatherspoons.

Honestly OP, it's a flash of remorse because you see he's moved on. If he was crying into his pint of Strongbow and begging to come back, you wouldn't be feeling like this. Concentrate on all of the reasons he wasn't a good role model for your DC and that should do the trick.

Does anyone think I should have let him have a blowout every couple months? Not said anything, not called to see when coming home etc? Just let him be out as long as he wanted and drink what he wanted and not worried about him maybe urinating somewhere?

Isn't it funny. The men pissing indoors drunk comes up periodically on here.

My friends and I are very frank around bodily stuff as are my family (a lot of medics and nurses) and I've never known one woman mention peeing In the house drunk let alone repeatedly. Incontinence for medical reasons of course but never just spraying around like a tomcat.

You need to buck up he’s not a loss by the sounds of it. A man would piss in my house once and he’d be toast.

He might change for his now partner. I read somewhere a man will change for the right woman. I was obviously not the right woman

No. Next.

I read somewhere that a man that pisses all over your house and behaves like he doesn't give a shit about you is best avoided at all costs.

No you absolutely do not accept that appalling behaviour. He sounds awful and you are well rid of him. You deserve better.