How to move on when it was my fault?

[Googoodoll87]

Hello, I have posted before about my partner of 12 years leaving in January and I got some really good advice but I am still struggling badly, I desperately want to stop thinking about it and get over it but I just don’t think I ever can now that I have realised him leaving was my own fault.

Today I have realised that I have caused him to fall out of love with me, I should have been more tolerant as nobody is perfect and I’m not going to find anyone else as good as him. I have ruined mine and my daughter’s life for trivial things I should have just put up with. How will I ever get over this now?

Im not happier now, it doesn’t make my life better in anyway, I’m worse off financially and I’m alone. Whereas he has a big new house and a much better partner now and is much happier.

He said I wore him down through time. I made him feel guilty for going out with friends which I think I did as although I didn’t stop him I would ask him not to get too drunk or be out all day/night etc as he would be out usually from midday and not come back til early hours of am and I wouldn’t know where he was or if ok so would phone him to see when coming home. He also used to urinate in the house or try to so I would be kept awake all night to try and stop him from doing so but he didn’t actually go out that often so I think I should have tolerated this.

I was also left to everything house, child related and I would become downtrodden by this and sometimes nag him about his messiness but again I think this seems to be normal and he made good money so I feel I should have tolerated this.

He was good in lots of other ways, good money, security, I fancied him, we got on, we were a family, he was faithful until I pushed him away although he is adamant he didn’t cheat at all.

In hindsight I think I’ve ruined the best relationship I could ever hope to have for trivial reasons. I don’t know how to feel better about this.

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry it’s so long x

Women involved with alcoholic men often end up second guessing themselves because they are being constantly gaslit and abused.

He will probably be pissing ON her by the time she realises. At 38 he's not changing unless he hits rock bottom and she's cushioned his fall.

By she I mean the new woman, not you OP!

He dumped me. He walked out in January. I am truly not a piss troll, I have posted about the breakup before. He thought it was ok to be out all day/night because he didn’t do it very often which is true. I think it maybe sounds worse than it was. He wasn’t peeing in the house every weekend, like I said it was once every couple months but I usually always managed to wake up when he went to get up in the night and redirect him to the bathroom so he didn’t physically urinate lots of times.

It sounds like you are missing the lifestyle he gave you rather than actually him.

Put your efforts into climbing a career ladder to obtain the lifestyle yourself, then no one can take it away and you will never have to put up with pissing on jigsaws ever again.

Stop thinking about him OP. He's not thinking about you.

I don’t understand why he has fallen out of love and left me because of standards I tried to impose that are reasonable according to everyone here and has walked away into a new relationship right away and happy as Larry, forgot about me, has no regrets etc whikst I am stuck being devastated and thinking of everything I should have done.

Well no because if you're honest, not even you think that.

Oh ok somehow I got it confused and thought you'd left him or made him go.

You should have, tbh. But that's beside the point now.

That's another reason why you're struggling to move on then - you didn't have any control over the situation and the shock will have made it harder to adjust.

Because he's a low quality man and he didn't like that you wanted him to behave to a higher standard.

You're upset because you're coming to terms with your relationship ending, that's understandable.

But you need to stop pretending to yourself that it was your fault or that you should have put up with it. No. You wanted better for yourself and your daughter.

Has he really gaslighted you so much that you believe this crap?

Why on earth should you put up with a pissed up twat wetting himself? He sounds like an appalling partner and you were right to throw him back.

How on earth is not tolerated shitty behaviour from a low bar man your fault?

No

Ugh yuck. Don't be sad. Be glad he's gone. Good riddance Pissy Pants.

She won't have seen his poor behaviour though as they'll be in the honeymoon period. He's on his best behaviour.

Omg STOP! I get the impression you would take him back in a heartbeat. Have some self -respect, please!!!!

I agree to a point, but if one partner has cheated then the blame is entirely on them IMO.

I’ve never felt any blame when a partner has cheated - people will say ‘oh you must have driven them to it’ etc but in truth there’s never a good reason to be unfaithful, it’s just shit people trying to justify their actions.

He likely walked out because he was cheating already but you just didn't know it cuz guys like that seldom leave unless they have someone else lined up.

I know you don't see it right now because it's still soon and too raw but he never was a prize he's quite horrible really drunk and mean.

I don't know if you've had any therapy or not but I would probably be a good idea to help you get over him and also get some self-esteem back.

You're still fairly young, and you can have a successful career of your own. Plus you can meet somebody decent.

Oh my god.

Him going out every few months and staying out late = fine (as long as he was pulling his weight with the kids and the house and family time and all other responsibilities, and you had equivalent time off, which clearly wasn't the case).

Pissing in the house when drunk = never ever acceptable not even once.

All the other shit you described = not in any way a good partner, and for sure you can do better once you believe that you can and raise your standards.

Please take the rose tinted glasses off, he sounds awful

No OP.
Nobody thinks this.
I'm not sure you are listening.

Urgh he sounds disgusting. No you abolsutely should not have put up with his awful behaviour. No it isn't normal for men not to do housework. It is not normal to pee around the house. It isn't normal to go out for hours on end, get drunk, go missing. It isn't normal for men not to parent their own children.

I think of my own marriage, and those I know (friends, colleagues, relatives) and noone is doing this stuff.

He is far from a catch. You will be better off without him, longer term. You just don't see it yet.

How could you respect or fancy that man?

It normally takes two to end a relationship - he was not getting what he needed from you and you were not getting what you needed from him. I love a drink but peeing in the house... no way. Sure, I would get nagged, probably once every month or two for going out and having a few too many but thats normal behaviour (the nagging!)

You did nothing wrong, I suspect some is jealousy that he has moved on and seems happy. It happens. My ex was of me for a bit, I was of her for a bit. Focus on you and you will soon meet someone

You have extremely low standards.
Maybe other people around you do too? But do you really want this for your daughter/children?
My own Ex was a million times better than yours, and I still wouldn't take him back for anything.

Maybe he left you because the newer model was waiting. But she is probably damaged if she is with him despite being "miles out of his league".

Please do some work on yourself, including finding better friends who are not desperate for a man, any man, that they will put up with such appalling behaviour.

There was a post ages ago about a person who's husband pissed on her clothes while drunk. He didn't try and wash them, just waited for her to put them on. She left him.
Your ex sounds very similar. His behaviour was out of order and you've every right to tell him so.
You can't go back to him now, so just look to the future, with a man who knows how to use a toilet.

You weren't nagging!! He left you to do everything around the house, drank too much and passed in the house. You are not describing a prince among men!!!

Be kind to yourself.

Things will be better soon.

Money doesn't really make up for being a slave or living in fear of your partner pissing around the place.

I'd focus on yourself, never mind about him. You can't change him.

But you can change yourself. You have healthy boundaries. That's a good thing.

He won't have changed his behaviour!!

He sounds like a pig and you are well shot. There is no way I'd tolerate that crap. Why should you have to be on alert to make sure a grown man doesn't piss in the house?! Pathetic excuse for a man.