How to move on when it was my fault?

[Googoodoll87]

Hello, I have posted before about my partner of 12 years leaving in January and I got some really good advice but I am still struggling badly, I desperately want to stop thinking about it and get over it but I just don’t think I ever can now that I have realised him leaving was my own fault.

Today I have realised that I have caused him to fall out of love with me, I should have been more tolerant as nobody is perfect and I’m not going to find anyone else as good as him. I have ruined mine and my daughter’s life for trivial things I should have just put up with. How will I ever get over this now?

Im not happier now, it doesn’t make my life better in anyway, I’m worse off financially and I’m alone. Whereas he has a big new house and a much better partner now and is much happier.

He said I wore him down through time. I made him feel guilty for going out with friends which I think I did as although I didn’t stop him I would ask him not to get too drunk or be out all day/night etc as he would be out usually from midday and not come back til early hours of am and I wouldn’t know where he was or if ok so would phone him to see when coming home. He also used to urinate in the house or try to so I would be kept awake all night to try and stop him from doing so but he didn’t actually go out that often so I think I should have tolerated this.

I was also left to everything house, child related and I would become downtrodden by this and sometimes nag him about his messiness but again I think this seems to be normal and he made good money so I feel I should have tolerated this.

He was good in lots of other ways, good money, security, I fancied him, we got on, we were a family, he was faithful until I pushed him away although he is adamant he didn’t cheat at all.

In hindsight I think I’ve ruined the best relationship I could ever hope to have for trivial reasons. I don’t know how to feel better about this.

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry it’s so long x

Nope he was a prick then and still is with someone else. You're looking at things after a rest from them.

I’be only reached the first response and I feel it has summed up the circumstances beautifully.

And I’m not buying it either.

My plan now is to read the rest of the pages and hope I come across lots of posts from the OP and discover she really did have Prince Charming!

“WrylyAmused · Today 12:20
Oh my god.

Him going out every few months and staying out late = fine (as long as he was pulling his weight with the kids and the house and family time and all other responsibilities, and you had equivalent time off, which clearly wasn't the case).

Pissing in the house when drunk = never ever acceptable not even once.

All the other shit you described = not in any way a good partner, and for sure you can do better once you believe that you can and raise your standards.

Please take the rose tinted glasses off, he sounds awful”

This with bells on. Unfortunately it sounds like you and your friends are used to poor quality men. It’s good that you pushed back against his shitty behaviour. I agree with PP - he was probably cheating on you and wants to make everything your fault.

You’re writing about your ex and men like I would expect someone calling themselves “Googoodoll” to write. But you’re not a doll. You’re an adult woman and mother who has standards when it comes to male behaviour. That’s a good thing. He sounds awful. You’re well shot of him.

He has just got his own house where I think he will learn to do the housework as he will be living on his own for at least a while and nobody else there to do it. Before he lived with his mum and she done everything then straight to me who done everything. I feel like he will learn to do housework now and will have changed for her when she moves in…

Wow what a peach! And no he won't do housework ever. Just keep moving on to different women.

Don't know if I'm off base here but... If you want to bitch about how horribly he behaved, and say you're jealous because he has a great new life, just do it.

You don't have to manipulatively martyr yourself by acting naive, yet dripping in lots of worse and worse details each time.

Thank you for all the replies and encouragement. I really appreciate them all.

I am jealous of how he walked away and has a happy new life when I am heartbroken. He’s managed to do this despite the way he behaves and everyone saying it’s unacceptable, this was why I found it hard to believe I shouldn’t have been more tolerant as if he can walk away and be happy so easily and me not, then how am I not the problem? :(

My DH goes out on the tear occasionally and will come home making no sense in the small hours. It doesn't bother me. He's a good man and a hard worker and entitled to let off steam with his mates once in a while. However in nearly 40 years of marriage he has never pissed anywhere other than a toilet bowl. AFAIK he never even pees in the shower. Peeing in the house would be a definite dealbreaker.

Your ex might have a new GF but if he behaves like that with her I'm sure she will dump him soon.

No he won't. He will just live in the filth (as my ex H did) or expect the new woman to pick up after him. Or end up back with his mother.

People don't change. He will be the same with the woman he's currently with as he was with you. You have low self esteem and low standards and you put up with it for years. If the new woman does the same, it's not because he's changed (because believe me, he won't) but because he got himself another vulnerable woman that doesn't know her worth and will put up with bad behaviour, as you did.

Stop giving him credit for hypothetical changed behaviour. This doesn't happen.

You're well shot of him.

He wouldn't have lasted a week with me.

I mean this in the nicest way, RAISE YOUR STANDARDS, because they're practically on the floor.

Op your current life isn’t very happy so you are looking back at your old life with rose coloured spectacles.

if you work hard on yourself, your mind, your relationships, your health, your home and social life; you will look back and see your old life more realistically and understand that you were right to get shot of him!

This has to be a wind up. You had to follow him around and make sure he didn't piss anywhere, like an incontinent dog? And you still think he was a good catch? That's some low bar you've got there.

The you in a parallel universe, where you acted the placid doormat you wished you had been, thanks you.

I suspect that his current victim will wish she’d never met him once his old ways resurfaces.

Prioritise counselling, pining for this idiot shows just how much work needs to be done.