How to move on when it was my fault?

[Googoodoll87]

Hello, I have posted before about my partner of 12 years leaving in January and I got some really good advice but I am still struggling badly, I desperately want to stop thinking about it and get over it but I just don’t think I ever can now that I have realised him leaving was my own fault.

Today I have realised that I have caused him to fall out of love with me, I should have been more tolerant as nobody is perfect and I’m not going to find anyone else as good as him. I have ruined mine and my daughter’s life for trivial things I should have just put up with. How will I ever get over this now?

Im not happier now, it doesn’t make my life better in anyway, I’m worse off financially and I’m alone. Whereas he has a big new house and a much better partner now and is much happier.

He said I wore him down through time. I made him feel guilty for going out with friends which I think I did as although I didn’t stop him I would ask him not to get too drunk or be out all day/night etc as he would be out usually from midday and not come back til early hours of am and I wouldn’t know where he was or if ok so would phone him to see when coming home. He also used to urinate in the house or try to so I would be kept awake all night to try and stop him from doing so but he didn’t actually go out that often so I think I should have tolerated this.

I was also left to everything house, child related and I would become downtrodden by this and sometimes nag him about his messiness but again I think this seems to be normal and he made good money so I feel I should have tolerated this.

He was good in lots of other ways, good money, security, I fancied him, we got on, we were a family, he was faithful until I pushed him away although he is adamant he didn’t cheat at all.

In hindsight I think I’ve ruined the best relationship I could ever hope to have for trivial reasons. I don’t know how to feel better about this.

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry it’s so long x

The man pissed in your house like an untrained dog, and you’ve somehow convinced yourself that asking him not to do things like this was unreasonable?

OMG he sounds horrible! Such a low bar. A man who pisses in the house is vile. I have been married over 20 years and DH has never pissed in the house or got drunk.

Oh and being left to do everything in the house is not normal.

Stop focusing on him and focus òn you and your DC. What do you want?
What are your plans for next week to make you happy?
Take care of yourself, see some friends or family. Change up your routine.

How has he managed to have a new partner already who is btw way out of his league when everyone agrees his behaviours are unacceptable? He must have stopped doing these things now

He would only go out once every couple of months and he was never an aggressive drunk like some men so I feel I should have just put up with it

No man should ever get kudos for not being an aggressive drunk. That should be the standard.

And no, I don't believe you should have put up and shut up just to keep this man around, who really doesn't sound like much of a prize.

Problem is you're not seeing the layers here.

Big night out every so often: absolutely fine as long as you can afford it and you get the same opportunity.

However. He's a family man with responsibilities so that isn't the same as disappearing off on a mad one at 19. You'd need to have a rough idea of when to expect him back and he'd need to be contactable in case of emergency. Also he is not at a life stage where he is figuring out his alcohol tolerance so no, should not be coming back incapacitated to the point where he's piddling on the carpet or having to be stopped from doing so.

The trouble is that he hasn't gone out and yes had fun, let his hair but down whilst acting his age. He's acted with contempt repeatedly doing the things you mention and never making any attempt to change.

He was with you for a while, you tolerated it. You got to a point that you no longer wanted to tolerate it. His new partner might reach the same conclusion, or he may have learned his lesson, which is less likely. Ultimately though it is none of your business, there is no way to go back and have things be different, he did what he did and you made your choices accordingly.

The best way to move on is to fill the space that he has left with positives, rather than scrubbing his pee out of the carpet, count your blessings that you dodged a bullet and a lifetime of his bullshit behaviour and be a good role model for your daughter by having some standards.

Or he is pissing on the carpet like an incontinent dog and his partner is putting up with it because women have been socialised into believing that men should be allowed to treat them like shit.

He won't be doing it straight away. Did he do it straight away when you met?

He is 38 and he never seemed embarrassed or anything about the peeing. He drinks to excess. Family and friends etc had even commented in the past that they’d never seen anyone drink as fast. He was just a going out all the time drinking guy when I met him but he stopped doing it as much when we got together although he did drink in the house pretty much every weekend but he wouldn’t pee then. Does anyone think it’s likely he will change for her? Or will his drinking habits be too ingrained in him
now at this age?

With all respect, it doesn’t matter if he changes for her or not. That’s her issue.

Why must he have?
you accepted it, you even miss him and regret saying anything at all, he’s just managed to find someone else who will accept it too.

i can’t figure out why you’re so obsessed with him and worrying if she’s better than you, don’t use this pathetic man to validate or trash your self esteem. Whatever this idiot is doing is irrelevant to you now, move on, maybe look into some therapy

He sounds awful, I doubt he'll change. You are much better out of it even if you don't feel it right now.

OP, he was an alcoholic and he would have got worse.

What you are describing here re him is an alcoholic. He merely switched from drinking to excess outside to drinking at home.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar behaviour back then?.

Good riddance to the lazy house pisser. Fuck me, you actually want that twat back?

You were not the problem and he will not change for her. Alcoholic twats don't change. Eventually she will get sick of him, too, and throw him out.

Most men do work around the house, because they love their wives and children and want to help create a home for them, just as women do. My 1st husband, was an alcoholic, womanizing twat who did nothing around the house. My 2nd, the love of my life with whom I have been for almost 40 years, does at least as much as I do around the house, and I don't have to ask.

Please get trauma counseling to get over this. Your thinking is very disordered where your ex is concerned, and blaming yourself is completely wrong and inappropriate in the circumstances. It's time to move on.

So let me get this straight. You set some perfectly reasonable boundaries and had some perfectly reasonable expectations for your relationship and your ex shit all over them because he's a giant immature man baby and you think it's your fault.

Please give your head a wobble. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Go and work on your self esteem, look into the freedom program or something similar, and see your GP if your mood is low. You will get over him. It'll take time and when you do you'll be able to see what a lucky escape you had.

The way you're bending over backwards to try to make this all your fault is weird.

You really think you should have been accepting of all these things?

If you genuinely feel that way then it's a damn good thing that you ended the relationship. Mostly for your child's sake but also for yourself. You're not ready to be in a relationship and you need to work on yourself, your self esteem and your standards for individuals you might share your life with.

It may feel worse now but it's really not.

Make a good life for yourself and your DD in the ways that truly matter, by yourself, before getting into another relationship.

I'm sorry, I know this will probably sound harsh. Wishing you all the best!

No, his behaviour is not normal and it should not be tolerated.

Let's pretend it was normal though - why on earth would you want to accept this behaviour just for the sake of being in a relationship, rather than choosing to stay single and finding ways to be happy on your own with your child???

I would rather be on my own than tolerate what you describe. But as I said, this is not normal. It is not how all men behave.

You need counseling to understand why you would choose to stay with someone so gross, irresponsible, and inconsiderate. Why you would want to put up with someone like this being a role model to your child and teaching her to set such a low bar in her own future relationships.

Your entire line of thinking here needs to change, not just for yourself but for your child and the example you are setting.

And in answer to your question of how to move on, stop obsessing over him. You're not missing him, you've just temporarily forgotten all the things that made your life with him untenable so you've popped your rose coloured glasses on.

You're feeling insecure which is normal when your life has changed, and your mind is trying to get back to what feels more comfortable.

It'll get easier with time as you get used to your new life and build your resilience.

Do one thing every day to make life better for you, and one thing every day to make life better for your DD.

Good luck!

OP it's not your fault - sounds like he has a drinking problem. Normal men don't piss where they shouldn't. Have no fear though, he will be pissing the bed in his new relationship before long. It will only get progressively worse.

My ex used to get so drunk he’d wet himself or piss on the floor, it’s one of my worst memories coming down the stairs in the morning to stand in a big puddle of his piss.
It made me feel repulsed by him.
I’m pretty sure if you or one of your kids would have started doing that around the house and leaving it for him to clear up - he wouldn’t have put up with it!

He’s probably on best behaviour and they’re in their honeymoon period, so that hasn’t started yet.
No one should have to put up with behaviour like that.