Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Birthday and husband - feeling a bit miffed

80 replies

Irion · 22/05/2024 02:36

I'm two weeks postpartum so it might be hormones speaking, but I am really disappointed!

My husband got me nothing, no cake, no gift, for my birthday except a blank birthday card (he didn't have a pen on him). He did take me to the mall to window shop when he saw me feeling down (it was either that or he takes me for a drive to celebrate)

He's usually big on (other people's) birthdays and always goes out his way to choose gifts for his friends and family weeks or months in advance. Very carefully picked gifts. Plan big birthday celebrations, nice activities, etc... he even took his female friend on a road trip to celebrate her birthday, he spent hours designing a birthday card for his ex on Photoshop for instance, etc...
Even his birthdays are big and he expects a celebration. He has birthdays in venues with his friends, I usually offer him gifts I have thought about a lot, weekends abroad, etc...
So it's not like he's not big on birthdays at all.

I just feel like he is losing interest!

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
EverybodyLovesString · 22/05/2024 02:42

You aren’t overreacting and that is very poor on his part. He expects a big celebration and you get a blank card and some window shopping?

Unless he has a very good explanation then you’re right to be disappointed.

pinkdays · 22/05/2024 02:47

Tell him exactly what you've said here. Say it calmly and carefully watch his reaction and body language. His response will indicate what is really going on

justafleshwound2024 · 22/05/2024 02:48

How rotten of him. Absolutely not overreacting.

Prepare to have a dozen excuses invented for him by the cool wives though.

MariaVT65 · 22/05/2024 02:48

Disgraceful. Please do sit him down and have a word with him about this.

NicholJO · 22/05/2024 02:51

Hello op no you are not over reacting he's a sleze ball

Original poster
Irion · 22/05/2024 02:56

Thank you everyone for your replies.

It's not the first time he does something like this recently.

Only a couple of weeks ago, when I was in labour, did he ask (and then sulk when told it was unwise) if he could go watch Star wars in the cinema for its 25th anniversary before taking me to the hospital.

He will be working abroad very soon and he is wanting his paternity leave to spend more time with us. He recently asked if he could cut the paternity leave down to one week (instead of four weeks) so he could attend his cousins wedding abroad where he works that happens to be in the middle of the paternity leave period (he will only see his newborn baby and myself a few times a year!!)

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 22/05/2024 02:57

No pen?

Ridiculous! He could have bought one at the same time!!

Why not take you actual shopping?

CulturalNomad · 22/05/2024 02:59

he even took his female friend on a road trip to celebrate her birthday, he spent hours designing a birthday card for his ex on Photoshop

Are you serious?! Never mind forgetting your birthday, it sounds like he forgot he was married.

You're not being overly sensitive, he's being a jerk.

Codlingmoths · 22/05/2024 03:14

Umm so he doesn’t pay attention to you, doesn’t make any effort, would rather watch a movie with friends than be with you WHILE IN LABOUR, would like to spend his paternity leave travelling to a cousins wedding, obviously without you and baby, and is going to move abroad for work without you.
does he actually know he’s in a relationship?? Doesn’t seem like it. Is there any indicator he wants to be in a relationship, or have a baby?? Doesn’t seem like that either.

Tourmalines · 22/05/2024 03:19

Ummmm , are you having a laugh ?

Original poster
Irion · 22/05/2024 03:28

Codlingmoths · 22/05/2024 03:14

Umm so he doesn’t pay attention to you, doesn’t make any effort, would rather watch a movie with friends than be with you WHILE IN LABOUR, would like to spend his paternity leave travelling to a cousins wedding, obviously without you and baby, and is going to move abroad for work without you.
does he actually know he’s in a relationship?? Doesn’t seem like it. Is there any indicator he wants to be in a relationship, or have a baby?? Doesn’t seem like that either.

I try to close my eyes on these things but it's really making me question how he feels about me.
He has done things that show disregard for me and our family a lot times and times again in the past.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
But it's really tiring.

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 22/05/2024 04:19

Ah, the star wars guy. I remember your other thread OP.

Yes, he's lost interest, if he ever was invested in the first place.

Set him free to go abroad, but first make sure that you either have an agreement for how much he'll transfer to you a week to support the baby OR that he transfers you a lump sum now before he leaves. You shouldn't have to worry about finances while you are caring for a newborn.

Sorry to say he may not come back.

MsDogLady · 22/05/2024 05:47

He blanked your birthday with a blank card, prioritized a movie over your labor, and wants to cut short his paternity leave for a wedding even though he will soon be working abroad?? Where is his love, cherishment, devotion and loyalty?

@Irion, this guy couldn’t care less about you or his new baby. He is beyond detached and disengaged, and acts like he is single. It is despicable that he makes great efforts for others, but not for you. [Road trip for female friend and designing a special card for Ex — are you sure these are platonic relationships?] You clearly give an abundance to him and the marriage, but he doesn’t reciprocate.

Why are you settling for his callous disregard and devaluation? Is this the relationship model you want to show your child? In your shoes, I would be making an exit plan.

FindingMeno · 22/05/2024 05:58

I was going to answer that you do jack shit for his birthday, but it's deeper than this one situation.
Fuck him. Make sure he's funding your new baby, and when he fucks off send him a text to tell him not to bother coming back.

justafleshwound2024 · 22/05/2024 06:21

Irion · 22/05/2024 03:28

I try to close my eyes on these things but it's really making me question how he feels about me.
He has done things that show disregard for me and our family a lot times and times again in the past.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
But it's really tiring.

Edited
Show quote history

Why close your eyes? Open them instead.

Newnamehiwhodis · 22/05/2024 06:24

Ugh how utterly crappy of him. He sounds exactly like my ex, Star Wars and all.
does he show other signs of the devalue/ discard phase?

it’s just strange, how offensive his non-gesture for your birthday was.

and yes. My ex also expected great big celebrations for his birthday. And would deliberately say hurtful things on mine.

I don’t think this sounds good at all, OP.

Original poster
Irion · 22/05/2024 06:50

Newnamehiwhodis · 22/05/2024 06:24

Ugh how utterly crappy of him. He sounds exactly like my ex, Star Wars and all.
does he show other signs of the devalue/ discard phase?

it’s just strange, how offensive his non-gesture for your birthday was.

and yes. My ex also expected great big celebrations for his birthday. And would deliberately say hurtful things on mine.

I don’t think this sounds good at all, OP.

I am sorry about your ex! They do sound very similar.

Yes it's not the first time!
A couple birthdays ago (also my first birthday with him), he put all his money into cryptocurrency. Said he was broke (he wasn't! He just chose to invest most of his extra money and saved the rest for his hobbies. I remember him purchasing expensive hobby related stuff a couple of days before my birthday. On top of that he also had money in his savings account that he refused to touch.) but that he had a lovely surprise for me.
He grabbed a loaf of bread and took me into town to feed pigeons and ducks.
I then asked to go for coffee that I paid for myself. When we sat down he spent the whole time talking about this girl from his friend group whose fashion sense he loved and whose character and personality he admired so much he wishes he could speak to her dad so that he could share the secret of raising a woman like that. He couldn't catch a hint!

OP posts:
Autumntimeagain · 22/05/2024 06:51

I'm sorry OP, but it's quite clear from what you've posted that neither you or your baby are actually 'loved' by him.

I'd struggle to say that he even 'liked' either of you tbh.

He spends lots of time and effort trying to please people he actually values, so the lack of thought and effort for you/baby stands out hugely.

i think he's just 'going through the motions' until he feels he can drop you both (maybe he'll do the Disney Dad routine, if you're lucky) without being seen as the bad guy.

Original poster
Irion · 22/05/2024 06:56

Autumntimeagain · 22/05/2024 06:51

I'm sorry OP, but it's quite clear from what you've posted that neither you or your baby are actually 'loved' by him.

I'd struggle to say that he even 'liked' either of you tbh.

He spends lots of time and effort trying to please people he actually values, so the lack of thought and effort for you/baby stands out hugely.

i think he's just 'going through the motions' until he feels he can drop you both (maybe he'll do the Disney Dad routine, if you're lucky) without being seen as the bad guy.

I think you are right unfortunately.

He cares a lot about his friends and family, how they see him and particularly how they see me.
He always put them first.

His mother was very abusive to me. He knew it and aknowledged it. But never defended me. when I told him I wanted to stop contact with her he threatened to divorce me.

Another time, we were planning an outing with a group of (I thought mutual) friends (including his ex). I suggested the restaurant and everyone agreed, then complete silence and it was never mentioned again. He lied to me about going to eat with his two guy friends (part of the group) at at a fast food place after work. Turns out he went to the outing behind my back and basically kicked me out the plan. Someone in the group didn't want me there (probably the ex) and instead of standing up to them, he didn't want to vex them and say no so he lied to me and went along with them.

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 22/05/2024 06:57

your update … this does sound bad. Crypto (my ex did that, too. Lost everything…)
AND he is triangulating, going on an on about another woman on your birthday - and saying he had a special surprise- which turned out to be bread to feed ducks?!

he knows exactly what he’s doing.

read up on the narcissistic abuse pattern.

I hope you can get free of him. He’s no good. I’m so sorry :(

SpringleDingle · 22/05/2024 07:09

He just doesn’t care about you or value you. There are infinitely better catches out there. I’d ditch this one!

Snowfalling · 22/05/2024 07:21

Why have you accepted this behaviour from him op? He's treated you appallingly and you stayed with him.

pinkdays · 22/05/2024 07:34

Did you marry due to the pregnancy?

Liv999 · 22/05/2024 07:35

This is just awful behaviour, the birthday is just the tip of the iceberg it seems

Pickled21 · 22/05/2024 07:37

Why did you marry him? He wasn't a catch in the beginning. Something must attracted you, what was it? I wouldn't put up with this but then I wouldn't have got with him in the first place
All I can say is that life is short and we get to choose who we want to spend our days with. I'd ltb. If you stay your child will learn that it's OK not to value you as dad doesn't. Start valuing yourself, if you have a support system reach out to them, speak to the useless lump and explain how he has made you feel and that as the mother of his child you expect care and consideration. I'd actively ask why he can do so much for his ex and female friend but can't for you.