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Original poster

Birthday and husband - feeling a bit miffed

80 replies

Irion · 22/05/2024 02:36

I'm two weeks postpartum so it might be hormones speaking, but I am really disappointed!

My husband got me nothing, no cake, no gift, for my birthday except a blank birthday card (he didn't have a pen on him). He did take me to the mall to window shop when he saw me feeling down (it was either that or he takes me for a drive to celebrate)

He's usually big on (other people's) birthdays and always goes out his way to choose gifts for his friends and family weeks or months in advance. Very carefully picked gifts. Plan big birthday celebrations, nice activities, etc... he even took his female friend on a road trip to celebrate her birthday, he spent hours designing a birthday card for his ex on Photoshop for instance, etc...
Even his birthdays are big and he expects a celebration. He has birthdays in venues with his friends, I usually offer him gifts I have thought about a lot, weekends abroad, etc...
So it's not like he's not big on birthdays at all.

I just feel like he is losing interest!

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Iaskedyouthrice · 22/05/2024 07:58

I think the birthday thing is the least of your troubles isn't it?
You haven't been with him long, married and had a child quickly despite him treating you with contempt over and over again. Why? You need to ask yourself why in order to understand why you think this is the kind of relationship you want to remain in.
This is him, he doesn't like you, doesn't care for his child so why cling on? Why disregard the way he treats you? How do you manage to look beyond that? A lifetime of heartbreak and humiliation is what awaits you if you stay with him. He is not life partner material.
Value you and your child more.

Bettyfromlondon · 22/05/2024 08:08

So sorry to read this! This will be hard to read but, being blunt, he is a husband in name only. This so-called marriage is beyond being salvaged From now on it is best to think of yourself as a single mother and to fight for what is best for your child. A hard task when you are still recovering from childbirth.
Who do you have to support you practically and emotionally?
Do you have secure access to money?
Do you live in a rental or own your house?
My guess is that when he goes abroad to work he may well disappear off the scene and could leave you high and dry financially.
I hope you have good family and friends to discuss this with and mentally prepare for worst-case scenarios when the inevitable shit-show happens. My very best wishes to you for a better future.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 22/05/2024 08:16

Irion · 22/05/2024 06:50

I am sorry about your ex! They do sound very similar.

Yes it's not the first time!
A couple birthdays ago (also my first birthday with him), he put all his money into cryptocurrency. Said he was broke (he wasn't! He just chose to invest most of his extra money and saved the rest for his hobbies. I remember him purchasing expensive hobby related stuff a couple of days before my birthday. On top of that he also had money in his savings account that he refused to touch.) but that he had a lovely surprise for me.
He grabbed a loaf of bread and took me into town to feed pigeons and ducks.
I then asked to go for coffee that I paid for myself. When we sat down he spent the whole time talking about this girl from his friend group whose fashion sense he loved and whose character and personality he admired so much he wishes he could speak to her dad so that he could share the secret of raising a woman like that. He couldn't catch a hint!

Edited
Show quote history

And you didn’t get rid of him then?
Really, dump this awful man so you and the baby can have a sweet life together.

Nicole1111 · 22/05/2024 08:25

This was a very sad read. I’m sorry he is being such a neglectful parent and a partner. Have you communicated to him how you feel? What does he say in that instance? If you have and nothing has changed I think you know what you need to do. Obviously with a new born and you presumably being on maternity that will be complicated but you both deserve more.

duende · 22/05/2024 08:26

Irion · 22/05/2024 06:50

I am sorry about your ex! They do sound very similar.

Yes it's not the first time!
A couple birthdays ago (also my first birthday with him), he put all his money into cryptocurrency. Said he was broke (he wasn't! He just chose to invest most of his extra money and saved the rest for his hobbies. I remember him purchasing expensive hobby related stuff a couple of days before my birthday. On top of that he also had money in his savings account that he refused to touch.) but that he had a lovely surprise for me.
He grabbed a loaf of bread and took me into town to feed pigeons and ducks.
I then asked to go for coffee that I paid for myself. When we sat down he spent the whole time talking about this girl from his friend group whose fashion sense he loved and whose character and personality he admired so much he wishes he could speak to her dad so that he could share the secret of raising a woman like that. He couldn't catch a hint!

Edited
Show quote history

This was the moment to dump his sorry arse.

Im sorry Op. The Star Wars boy needs to go.

XMissPlacedX · 22/05/2024 08:27

Get rid of him op, show him your worth by dumping this absolute loser.

rwa818 · 22/05/2024 08:34

That's not ok. DH and me aren't into a big fuss on our birthdays but we'll do something, maybe not a massive gift but will have a meal out or a nice takeaway etc. very poor of him to do nothing, even if he forgot or didn't have time because of the new baby which I could understand, buying you a cake or ordering a takeaway takes minimal effort but shows he cares!

Riverlee · 22/05/2024 08:36

The lack of birthday card and present is appalling, especially as he is someone who usually does celebrations (as opposed to a bunch of flowers from garage type guy). It would be the tip of the iceberg for me.

I think you need a serious, grown up conversation about what you mean to him, why you’re so low in his affections, why he takes time and trouble for other people’s birthdays and not yours.

You are not over reacting, and with a young baby as well, he should be making this day extra special, not a let down. You and the baby should be the centre of his universe right now.

WoodBurningStov · 22/05/2024 08:38

Time to move on op. He's abusive.

The chatting about a girl on your birthday wasn't coincidence, he was doing it ruin your birthday. Look up narcissist or cover narcissist. I suspect a lot will ring true

Beautiful3 · 22/05/2024 08:44

He doesn't love you at all. Everything screams that he is just using you as a wife and to take care of his child. I'd take steps to leave this relationship. Do you have support? Could you go to your mums? You'd be beginning a new life away from him, it will be so much better without him.

LittleGreenDragons · 22/05/2024 08:47

I remember him purchasing expensive hobby related stuff a couple of days before my birthday. On top of that he also had money in his savings account that he refused to touch.) but that he had a lovely surprise for me.
He grabbed a loaf of bread and took me into town to feed pigeons and ducks.
I then asked to go for coffee that I paid for myself.

You were forewarned right at the very beginning. You basically told him you were fine being treated like shit and so he continued. Why did you marry someone who so obviously thinks you are worth nothing, not even a coffee on your birthday? If you dont value and respect yourself why do you expect others to? Start the divorce and grab every penny you can before he moves it all abroad and he's untouchable. Then seek therapy to boost your self esteem and self worth.

EDIT - Sorry if this sounds mean but if he's from abroad did he need to marry for visa or work papers?

TorturedPoets · 22/05/2024 08:51

This is shocking op.

Did he actually want a baby?

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2024 09:23

That would be the end for me. He doesn't care if you at all I'm afraid.

I would wait patiently until he goes away and then I would organise a separation. He sounds horrendous.

Starlight1979 · 22/05/2024 09:47

My husband got me nothing, no cake, no gift, for my birthday except a blank birthday card (he didn't have a pen on him).

He plans big birthday celebrations, nice activities, etc... he even took his female friend on a road trip to celebrate her birthday, he spent hours designing a birthday card for his ex on Photoshop for instance, etc...

WTF?!?!

I would normally suggest trying to talk issues through but for once I can't even think of what could possibly be resolved here.

Leave him. He doesn't love you. Or care about you. Or even like you. You deserve more than being treated like something he has trodden in.

And from reading your updates this has been the case for a long time.

Throw him out. Now. What a horrible, horrible bastard.

TotteringonGently · 22/05/2024 10:28

I hear you. It's my birthday today and not even a bunch of flowers. He asked me what I want, I told him (nothing else but some landscaping in the garden I've wanted for years) and he stropped off and snapped at me. I made plans for his, really thought about what would be fun and enjoyable and he's just asked me if I'd like to do anything. He hasn't even bothered to think about what I might like to do.

So from me, have a very happy birthday and many happy returns. 🎉🎂🎈

LakeSnake · 22/05/2024 10:48

He doesn’t love you and I’m not sure he ever has (seeing his attitude during our first birthday together).

From what you say, he is working abroad a lot.

Id plan to move on Wo him. Let’s be honest, your daily life isn’t going to change much :(

Im sorry @Irion Its a crap time to have that sort of realisation.
Do you have some family around to support you? Friends?

HcbSS · 22/05/2024 10:49

Irion · 22/05/2024 02:56

Thank you everyone for your replies.

It's not the first time he does something like this recently.

Only a couple of weeks ago, when I was in labour, did he ask (and then sulk when told it was unwise) if he could go watch Star wars in the cinema for its 25th anniversary before taking me to the hospital.

He will be working abroad very soon and he is wanting his paternity leave to spend more time with us. He recently asked if he could cut the paternity leave down to one week (instead of four weeks) so he could attend his cousins wedding abroad where he works that happens to be in the middle of the paternity leave period (he will only see his newborn baby and myself a few times a year!!)

Why are you with this manchild? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 22/05/2024 11:27

LittleGreenDragons · 22/05/2024 08:47

I remember him purchasing expensive hobby related stuff a couple of days before my birthday. On top of that he also had money in his savings account that he refused to touch.) but that he had a lovely surprise for me.
He grabbed a loaf of bread and took me into town to feed pigeons and ducks.
I then asked to go for coffee that I paid for myself.

You were forewarned right at the very beginning. You basically told him you were fine being treated like shit and so he continued. Why did you marry someone who so obviously thinks you are worth nothing, not even a coffee on your birthday? If you dont value and respect yourself why do you expect others to? Start the divorce and grab every penny you can before he moves it all abroad and he's untouchable. Then seek therapy to boost your self esteem and self worth.

EDIT - Sorry if this sounds mean but if he's from abroad did he need to marry for visa or work papers?

Edited

Is this the same guy who couldn't afford a north present due to renting an exercise bike, but it turned out he'd actually bought it for £3000 or something?

pinkdays · 22/05/2024 11:30

TotteringonGently · 22/05/2024 10:28

I hear you. It's my birthday today and not even a bunch of flowers. He asked me what I want, I told him (nothing else but some landscaping in the garden I've wanted for years) and he stropped off and snapped at me. I made plans for his, really thought about what would be fun and enjoyable and he's just asked me if I'd like to do anything. He hasn't even bothered to think about what I might like to do.

So from me, have a very happy birthday and many happy returns. 🎉🎂🎈

Happy Birthday 🥳

I'm sending you a virtual list of gifts from Mumsnet

  • a cream tea with fresh strawberries served with tea on the best silver platter
  • a beautiful ring from boodles
  • Chanel perfume
  • luxury leather gloves
  • hair appointment for a blow dry before dinner at your favourite restaurant

You deserve it for all you do FlowersFlowersFlowers

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 22/05/2024 11:32

@Irion @TotteringonGently Happy birthday to the both of you as well

pikkumyy77 · 22/05/2024 11:36

Irion · 22/05/2024 03:28

I try to close my eyes on these things but it's really making me question how he feels about me.
He has done things that show disregard for me and our family a lot times and times again in the past.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
But it's really tiring.

Edited
Show quote history

He doesn’t care about you. Actions speak louder than words. What is the use of closing your eyes? If a train is barreling towards you you need to jump out of the way not close your eyes.

You are recently post partum? Please reach out to your midwife, friends, family and get help. This man is abandoning you without your being able to recognize it.

PussInBin20 · 22/05/2024 14:47

He doesn’t love or care for you, simples.

Chypre · 22/05/2024 15:05

Maybe I am a bit dim... But are you sure you ARE actually married? Maybe there is some kind of misunderstanding? Maybe he is an ex-husband or something?

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 22/05/2024 16:48

Have you had other threads? Your last post triggered something in my memory.

He is truly appalling. Please leave him. He is such a failure.

Secondstart1001 · 22/05/2024 18:50

Window shopping??! No, you are not over reacting x