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Original poster

Have I overreacted?

91 replies

StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 19:55

Background info - DP and I are 39(me) and 42(him), we have been together for 2 years. Getting married in Sept, I’m around 7 weeks with our surprise baby.

I always thought our relationship was very healthy, it’s the healthiest I’ve ever had and we were very happy. I always trusted him, he’s never given me any reason to doubt him.

A few weeks ago I happened to wake up in bed after dropping off and saw DP flicking through bikini pics of women on instagram. We had a discussion about how that made me feel and I didn’t appreciate him following these types of accounts. He said fair enough and said he’d unfollowed them etc. I had no reason to doubt this and we moved on.

Last week we were sitting on the sofa and I saw in my periphery there was a woman dancing provocatively on his instagram. He paused on it for a minute and then carried on flicking. I didn’t react straight away but went to my own phone and for the first time looked through his instagram and Facebook. He was following lots of women who had onlyfans, all pouting/cleavage photos, selfies in mirrors wearing not very much, you get the drift.

I spoke to him about this again and how it made me feel after last time. He really reacted badly, saying he didn’t know how to unfollow them all, must have missed some etc etc. Now this is a man who works in IT so it’s laughable that he can knock up an advanced excel document but can’t work out how to unfollow people! I explained that now being pregnant has made me feel really unattractive lately. I’m constantly feeling sick and as a result I’m eating lots of crap. I’m not feeling very body confident and this doesn’t help. He begrudgingly said he would sort it out. He wanted me to trawl through his instagram and Facebook for things I didn’t approve of. I refused saying I’m not his mother, that’s his responsibility as an almost married father in his 40s. He again assured me he had sorted it.

Today I was on instagram/facebook and was still getting follow/friend suggestions of these types of women, all because he is still following them. I didn’t get angry or anything but blocked him on instagram and Facebook and told him he can now follow what he likes, I just don’t want it rammed down my throat with suggestions that I follow them too!

He has now said I’ve overreacted and if I have a problem I need to go through his account and highlight any I have issue with. I’ve told him that is his problem to solve and to now leave me out of it.

I now have the proper ick over him, some of these women are probably young enough to be his daughters and it’s basically knocked him off the pedestal I had him on

Have I let pregnancy hormones get the better of me or is this gross? 🤢

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 20/05/2024 19:59

It's gross, I agree with you.

Even worse is his behaviour in not unfollowing them all properly when you said how uncomfortable it makes you.

Justbrowsing2024 · 20/05/2024 20:03

It's gross. The fact he hasn't understood that isn't a good sign either, sorry op

effoffwind · 20/05/2024 20:05

How about you unblock him and start following a load of " Magic Mike" young fit men ...

TheseBootsAreWalking · 20/05/2024 20:06

I find that so gross, he is 42.

He wont stop this. He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 20:06

effoffwind · 20/05/2024 20:05

How about you unblock him and start following a load of " Magic Mike" young fit men ...

Now I like this idea! What’s good for the goose and all 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 20:08

Thanks guys. I’m just so shocked because I never expected this of him.

If I realised early in the relationship I would have binned him off

it’s more difficult now I’m pregnant though. I’ve kind of become distanced from him now though, I can feel myself doing it 🙁

OP posts:
JosiePosey · 20/05/2024 20:36

I think you are being unreasonable. Yes it might be unsavoury but you can't dictate to him who or what he follows.

JosiePosey · 20/05/2024 20:37

It's all a bit controlling. "I don't like this" and "I feel". Thats all well and good for your own sox8al media accounts but it's not your business who he follows.

Wakemeup17 · 20/05/2024 20:43

JosiePosey · 20/05/2024 20:37

It's all a bit controlling. "I don't like this" and "I feel". Thats all well and good for your own sox8al media accounts but it's not your business who he follows.

Whaaat? Of course she has no right to control whom he follows on Instagram /wherever but she has the right to state her preference for him not doing it. She's also within her rights to end the relationship for that reason. But she's pregnant so it's a bit difficult. She feels the way she feels. She can communicate that to him.

Original poster
StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 20:43

Which is the reason why I’ve now unfollowed him so I don’t have to see it. I’ve told him he can do what he likes, I just don’t need to be made aware of it. This is the bit he is saying I’m unreasonable about 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 20:46

He sounds absolutely pathetic.

effoffwind · 20/05/2024 20:47

JosiePosey · 20/05/2024 20:36

I think you are being unreasonable. Yes it might be unsavoury but you can't dictate to him who or what he follows.

You cannot be serious?

This is her partner , father of unborn child ?

Pashazade · 20/05/2024 20:47

So he wants you to be aware that he's leering over other women?? He needs his head examined.

LifeExperience · 20/05/2024 20:50

The reason that you are uncomfortable with it is because he is getting sexual gratification from other women, which is the definition of cheating.

LifeExperience · 20/05/2024 20:53

JosiePosey · 20/05/2024 20:37

It's all a bit controlling. "I don't like this" and "I feel". Thats all well and good for your own sox8al media accounts but it's not your business who he follows.

It absolutely is her business--he's her partner. When you partner with someone and decide to marry, you give up the right to get sexual gratification from others. If her fiance can't do that, then he's not partnership/marrying material.

Original poster
StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 20:54

Pashazade · 20/05/2024 20:47

So he wants you to be aware that he's leering over other women?? He needs his head examined.

I’m not sure if he wants me to be aware because he’s now saying he has now definitely unfollowed them all but my view is that doesn’t matter anymore. It’s taken 3 conversations of me saying I’m uncomfortable so now I’m quietly removing myself from the situation. He might not be following anyone else like that anymore but I really don’t want to be involved it in all at this point

OP posts:
Hotgirlwinter · 20/05/2024 21:00

Bit on the fence to be honest, on the one hand it is gross when a man is ogling a young woman on socials. It’s really gross when they are actually following or interacting with accounts. Cringe!!!!

Looking is a bit different as you really have no right to dictate what someone can look at assuming it’s consensual and appropriate. I some times have a little ogle over a thirst trap on Insta, we have eyes, we can’t constantly live in a state of ignoring the obviously attractive people we come across.

I do draw the line when it goes from a little bit of natural curiosity and titillation to following and commenting - that would give me the ick.

Your insecurity over your body cannot dictate your trust in your partner sorry. I agree that it might make you feel unattractive compared to other women but where does that stop? He can’t talk to someone at work who is attractive, can’t go out to the pub or gym in case he bumps into an attractive woman?

I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable but I do think there are distinct elements of pregnancy hormones at play

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/05/2024 21:01

But this won't be the end of it, OP. If he reacts to this very reasonable request like he has, and while you're pregnant... He is refusing to show you respect and consideration. Instead he acts like a pathetic naughty child - didn't know how to unfollow, wants you to take responsibility for who he follows, dear god.

I really feel for you, what a shit time to find out. But it's not uncommon for men react to pregnancy by pushing boundaries.

How are you situated for housing/money?

Btw, you sound completely reasonable and measured in all your posts.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/05/2024 21:04

Your insecurity over your body cannot dictate your trust in your partner sorry. I agree that it might make you feel unattractive compared to other women but where does that stop? He can’t talk to someone at work who is attractive, can’t go out to the pub or gym in case he bumps into an attractive woman?

Don't be ridiculous. It's up to him to man up and respond to her request. Show a bit of maturity and care for his pregnant fiancé. Too much to ask?

Original poster
StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 21:04

Hotgirlwinter · 20/05/2024 21:00

Bit on the fence to be honest, on the one hand it is gross when a man is ogling a young woman on socials. It’s really gross when they are actually following or interacting with accounts. Cringe!!!!

Looking is a bit different as you really have no right to dictate what someone can look at assuming it’s consensual and appropriate. I some times have a little ogle over a thirst trap on Insta, we have eyes, we can’t constantly live in a state of ignoring the obviously attractive people we come across.

I do draw the line when it goes from a little bit of natural curiosity and titillation to following and commenting - that would give me the ick.

Your insecurity over your body cannot dictate your trust in your partner sorry. I agree that it might make you feel unattractive compared to other women but where does that stop? He can’t talk to someone at work who is attractive, can’t go out to the pub or gym in case he bumps into an attractive woman?

I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable but I do think there are distinct elements of pregnancy hormones at play

It’s the following etc that bothers me, the interaction with a real person. If that makes sense, especially if they have onlyfans where you can have an interaction with someone offering you photos/videos of themselves

I have no problem with porn, looking at celebrities etc because these are almost ‘untouchable’ people, a fantasy. It’s when he starts saying some of these people are ‘friends’ or when live interactions can take place

OP posts:
Original poster
StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 21:06

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/05/2024 21:01

But this won't be the end of it, OP. If he reacts to this very reasonable request like he has, and while you're pregnant... He is refusing to show you respect and consideration. Instead he acts like a pathetic naughty child - didn't know how to unfollow, wants you to take responsibility for who he follows, dear god.

I really feel for you, what a shit time to find out. But it's not uncommon for men react to pregnancy by pushing boundaries.

How are you situated for housing/money?

Btw, you sound completely reasonable and measured in all your posts.

This is how I feel about him now - slightly pathetic and like a creep.

I’m totally fine financially, could totally cope without him.

it’s just disappointing I suppose

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 20/05/2024 23:09

StarBar85 · 20/05/2024 21:06

This is how I feel about him now - slightly pathetic and like a creep.

I’m totally fine financially, could totally cope without him.

it’s just disappointing I suppose

Show quote history

That's good news, in the middle.
💐

Redrobbbin · 20/05/2024 23:13

I’m in the same situation. My husband who I’ve been with for 12 years aged 38… I saw he had followed over 400 of these accounts. He claimed he didn’t know how they got there. There was another argument too but he’s chosen to sleep on the couch for 7 weeks. I’m completely repulsed by him to be honest so not sure how we move forward!!

QueenBitch666 · 20/05/2024 23:19

That's a deal breaker for me. I'd bin him

Catlord · 21/05/2024 03:20

I think you're being very reasonable.

It's not the looking (within reason), it's the making it public and interaction online for all to see. I would find that quite gauche and tacky and off-putting. I wouldn't want to be with a man publicly displaying his taste for women other than me. Just not the kind of man I'm interested in.

It's disrespectful and immature plus doesn't bring anything to the relationship or his private life. It isn't that I imagine my partner never notices another woman or has a discreet look online, that isn't the point.

You let him know you weren't comfortable with this public aspect and instead of either unfollowing or refusing, he did half a job and obfuscated and now is claiming you're overreacting. You're not.

I don't know if it's complete deal breaker territory unless he doubles down, I would perhaps lay out exactly why you don't like it, why his response was inadequate and why you're put off and see if he can see your POV. One chance though. If he can't prioritise you and the baby over bloody tit pictures online then frankly that's up to him.