Have I overreacted?

[StarBar85]

Background info - DP and I are 39(me) and 42(him), we have been together for 2 years. Getting married in Sept, I’m around 7 weeks with our surprise baby.

I always thought our relationship was very healthy, it’s the healthiest I’ve ever had and we were very happy. I always trusted him, he’s never given me any reason to doubt him.

A few weeks ago I happened to wake up in bed after dropping off and saw DP flicking through bikini pics of women on instagram. We had a discussion about how that made me feel and I didn’t appreciate him following these types of accounts. He said fair enough and said he’d unfollowed them etc. I had no reason to doubt this and we moved on.

Last week we were sitting on the sofa and I saw in my periphery there was a woman dancing provocatively on his instagram. He paused on it for a minute and then carried on flicking. I didn’t react straight away but went to my own phone and for the first time looked through his instagram and Facebook. He was following lots of women who had onlyfans, all pouting/cleavage photos, selfies in mirrors wearing not very much, you get the drift.

I spoke to him about this again and how it made me feel after last time. He really reacted badly, saying he didn’t know how to unfollow them all, must have missed some etc etc. Now this is a man who works in IT so it’s laughable that he can knock up an advanced excel document but can’t work out how to unfollow people! I explained that now being pregnant has made me feel really unattractive lately. I’m constantly feeling sick and as a result I’m eating lots of crap. I’m not feeling very body confident and this doesn’t help. He begrudgingly said he would sort it out. He wanted me to trawl through his instagram and Facebook for things I didn’t approve of. I refused saying I’m not his mother, that’s his responsibility as an almost married father in his 40s. He again assured me he had sorted it.

Today I was on instagram/facebook and was still getting follow/friend suggestions of these types of women, all because he is still following them. I didn’t get angry or anything but blocked him on instagram and Facebook and told him he can now follow what he likes, I just don’t want it rammed down my throat with suggestions that I follow them too!

He has now said I’ve overreacted and if I have a problem I need to go through his account and highlight any I have issue with. I’ve told him that is his problem to solve and to now leave me out of it.

I now have the proper ick over him, some of these women are probably young enough to be his daughters and it’s basically knocked him off the pedestal I had him on

Have I let pregnancy hormones get the better of me or is this gross? 🤢

It’s quite liberating actually! I had him on such a pedestal and admit that my life revolved around him, making him happy etc.

and now I’m friendly, civil but not that adoring puppy running around after him. I’m not bothered by what he does anymore. He doesn’t seem to enjoy this as much!

Or perhaps they know their partners do this, and in makes them uncomfortable when they see other women standing by their boundaries and not just accepting the mantra that the poor men can’t help it, they are visual etc

Plus he has my friends and family on his instagram and Facebook, makes me so embarrassed that they could be seeing all this too.

I completely get it OP. I am like I said, in the same position.
my issue was with the fact that he had his face, his name and photo publicly following hundreds of pretty much porno accounts.
That to me shows a complete disrespect to me. My DH told me he didn’t know how they even got there. I know you have a baby, but we have kids with phones and I asked him how he would feel if the kids stumbled across this and saw who he follows. It was at that point he realised and unfollowed them all.
we have been butting heads for weeks now- there’s other arguments in between. But I feel like he completely overstepped my boundaries. I am struggling with “going back to normal” with him as I am disgusted, angry and disappointed with his actions. I feel like social media is the problem with relationships as stuff like that creates a complete false reality for a man of what a woman should be like and do. If I was the one posting the kinds of videos he was watching, he’d have something to say about it!!! It took him weeks and weeks to apologise and acknowledge he had upset me. I am under no illusion that he watches porn, but please don’t advertise it for everyone to see. I have also struggled with his reaction to the argument, which it sounds like is also the case for you as you’ve had to bring it up numerous times. My DH has made me feel like I’ve “snooped” and now the latest is that I can’t forgive and forget. We sound married to the same kind of people, deflecting what they have done wrong so you question yourself!! Sending you love, it’s difficult. Xx

100% grim and disgusting, sleazy. Why does he need to look at this stuff. And men wonder why women don't want to have sex with them.. because they make us insecure and feel shit.
It's gross OP, imagine how he's looking at young women out and about. He's one of "those" men

Even if he unfollows them all, he'll just hide it. He's shown himself to be the grim kind of man we try to avoid and this will forever give you the ick.

Sorry you’re going through it too. I also feel like I’ve snooped and like I’m nagging.

as for finding him attractive, that has gone out the window. It’s like my fanny has sealed itself shut.

the gaslighting started too. Firstly saying it was only one account. Until I produced a screenshot. Then it was something about gym and fitness, because he obviously has the body of a 22 year old woman 🙄 then they were from years ago, he doesn’t know how to remove them. Now he’s saying he’s only ever tried to make me happy and is obviously doing a shit job. So the woe is me stuff has started

To be honest, I’m in two minds. On this forum there is always almost hysteria over anything like this, like it is over drinking, and my reactions are somewhat more muted

on one hand, no I’d not like it if my husband did this. But I also see that I may find something inappropriate that he doesn’t. So it seems the same for you, you find it inappropriate, he doesn’t, he sees it as harmless. I do think you’re stretching it a bit calling these women his friends. I’m fairly positive they aren’t mates and you know this.

the reason I am in two minds is as I follow a couple of male strippers, who are absolutely gorgeous, doesn’t mean I want to cheat on my husband, i don’t compare them, and quite frankly I don’t give a shit that anyone who follows me knows I do. So to take issue would be hypocritical .

We’ve had the same excuses ha. One of mine was “because I’m a man”
mines been going on about 7ish weeks now and although splitting up over it wouldn’t be my plan, his reaction afterwards has completely pushed me away.
what are your thoughts going forward?

I never referred to these women as his friends. He initially tried saying some of them were friends of his. Friends I’d never heard of before or met. Such good friends that he wants to see pictures of their tits and potentially have access to their only fans. I’d be sick in my mouth if I was presented with my male friends’ cocks on a daily basis 🤷🏻‍♀️

Same as you really. Don’t see us splitting up over this, especially now with a baby on the way but I see him completely differently now. I’ll just make sure my life doesn’t revolve around him like it did before, which probably isn’t as healthy as I thought it was anyway.

He lied to her about his sleazer activities twice.

This isn't healthy at all and is the breeding ground for resentment to fester. Especially if he's starting to gaslight and guilt you. It sounds like disdain is already beginning to set in.

If you stay, you should be trying to work on this with him. It'll never work otherwise.

Time to really think about how you're going to move forward with this. You've said you're already finding him less attractive and your fanny has closed up shop. Will there be a return to intimacy and sex? If not or you cant see it happening, end it now for both of your sakes. That's no way to live. With holding sex and intimacy is emotionally abusive, and once the cycle starts, it is hard to break and for either of you to come back from it.

You both have so much to look forward with a wedding and a new baby. You've hit a values rock in the road. There will be many more. You can both over come it, if you choose to. It's perfectly fine for you to have boundaries, and the same goes for him as well. The overall outcome is going to depend on what happens next or how you both choose to resolve this. Whether it's a positive or negative is both down to you.

I will say it's easier to leave before you're married, don't just stay together because you have a baby on the way.

Also, please don't allow anyone or even yourself to blame hormones on something like this. It comes down to values and as you've stated if this came to light sooner, you'd have ended it. And, your values are allowed to change, adapt and further develop through your life.

Hope all goes well. And FWIW, I don't think you over reacted. You reacted to a situation in which you had no control over so did what you thought was best to remove yourself from the issue. I would have done the same.

Not wanting to fuck her sleazy husband is NOT abusive at all, nor is feeling less for him because he's a lying creep.

Thank you. I would never withhold sex as a punishment but at the moment I don’t feel that way about him. Usually I have a very high sex drive and find him very attractive, want to have closeness with him, but at the moment it’s like that bit has gone. I’m hoping it can come back.

I want to see how he responds next. For now he’s not really talking to me, but to be fair I’m not really talking to him either. Again not deliberately, just I feel I don’t want to be around him at the moment.

disdain is a good way to describe how I feel at the moment

"Withholding sex is abusive" only when the abusive partner is using it to control and coerce their partner.

Not having sex you don't want is emotionally healthy and everyone's right.

If OP had said to her DP "no sex for you until you've deleted all those accounts" she could potentially be acting abusively.

Not having sex because she feels repulsed by his actions is healthy and her listening to her subconscious.

I do agree it's not a good sign for the relationship but that's on him for lying and prioritising online sleazing over his partner.

Of course. I had meant more long term and in view of their impending marriage.

I'm not daft. Of course, it's natural to not want to be affectionate, intimate or have sex with someone you've had a disagreement with. And that's 100% fine. I wouldn't dream of saying otherwise.

Two posters have taken one sentence and disregarded the entire fucking wall of text I posted. My post is about looking to their potential shared future. I apologise, for not being more careful with my wording and conveying my full meaning.

Long term withholding affection and sex is a form of abuse. It does cross over into a form of control. Coercion may or may not be present. If this is the case LONG TERM, my point remains.

Also, let's the man some benefit here. He has openly suggested that the op can view his socials. That does not suggest he is prioritising a random biniki clad woman over his partner. It suggests he's trying to be transparent and has nothing to hide. But, I can see how this may feel to the op and be demeaning and demoralising. I would feel the same. But, I can also concede to what he's trying to demonstrate.

You said if you'd found out about this pre-pregnancy, that would have been it for you, but you can't see the relationship ending now with a baby on the way. You also said you can support yourself financially.

Are you suggesting you'll stay together with him forever because of the baby, even though he gives you the ick and you can support yourself and the baby without him?

Do you think this is something you'll forget about and move on from?

To me it feels different now that we’re getting married and are having a baby. There is more invested in making it work, if we can.

pre-pregnancy or even engagement, when our lives weren’t so entwined then yes I would have got rid. I wouldn’t have spent so much time, especially at my age, trying to sort it out. Now I feel I should at least give it a go, but with the nice fallback of being able to cope alone.

I think it’s something we can get over. It will just take time, especially seeing how he is going to respond next.

Reading your last post, I'd just say beware of the sunk costs fallacy, OP.

It's probably because "Withholding sex is abuse" is a common MO for a particular type of DARVO-ing man so some of us are sensitive to it

Withholding sex and not wanting sex are two different things

You haven't over reacted. It's sleazy and he's viewing these women as objects so he can get titillated.

Bring public about it too would give me ick too. In the days gone by he is the older guy at the beach openly ogling the women.

Or on the street giving them a 'whhoar'
Or staring at page 3 whilst 'adjusting himself in his trousers'

But now he can do it online with women presenting themselves like treasures for pleasure. It's so boringly predictable.

Ask him what he'd like for his daughter. A man like him?

I found out something similar pre marriage no went through for the same reasons as you. I wish I hadn't.

This exactly how we’ve been for about 7 weeks too, hardly speaking. Usually he starts to act normal and I back down but not this time. My kids are older than yours and I realise I’ll be fine without him but there is other issues.
I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable to over reacted, your feelings and thoughts are completely valid. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. I hope you move forward in the best way you can for you and baba! My inbox is always open if you need to chat! X

Agreed, it’s called boundaries.