Have I overreacted?

[StarBar85]

Background info - DP and I are 39(me) and 42(him), we have been together for 2 years. Getting married in Sept, I’m around 7 weeks with our surprise baby.

I always thought our relationship was very healthy, it’s the healthiest I’ve ever had and we were very happy. I always trusted him, he’s never given me any reason to doubt him.

A few weeks ago I happened to wake up in bed after dropping off and saw DP flicking through bikini pics of women on instagram. We had a discussion about how that made me feel and I didn’t appreciate him following these types of accounts. He said fair enough and said he’d unfollowed them etc. I had no reason to doubt this and we moved on.

Last week we were sitting on the sofa and I saw in my periphery there was a woman dancing provocatively on his instagram. He paused on it for a minute and then carried on flicking. I didn’t react straight away but went to my own phone and for the first time looked through his instagram and Facebook. He was following lots of women who had onlyfans, all pouting/cleavage photos, selfies in mirrors wearing not very much, you get the drift.

I spoke to him about this again and how it made me feel after last time. He really reacted badly, saying he didn’t know how to unfollow them all, must have missed some etc etc. Now this is a man who works in IT so it’s laughable that he can knock up an advanced excel document but can’t work out how to unfollow people! I explained that now being pregnant has made me feel really unattractive lately. I’m constantly feeling sick and as a result I’m eating lots of crap. I’m not feeling very body confident and this doesn’t help. He begrudgingly said he would sort it out. He wanted me to trawl through his instagram and Facebook for things I didn’t approve of. I refused saying I’m not his mother, that’s his responsibility as an almost married father in his 40s. He again assured me he had sorted it.

Today I was on instagram/facebook and was still getting follow/friend suggestions of these types of women, all because he is still following them. I didn’t get angry or anything but blocked him on instagram and Facebook and told him he can now follow what he likes, I just don’t want it rammed down my throat with suggestions that I follow them too!

He has now said I’ve overreacted and if I have a problem I need to go through his account and highlight any I have issue with. I’ve told him that is his problem to solve and to now leave me out of it.

I now have the proper ick over him, some of these women are probably young enough to be his daughters and it’s basically knocked him off the pedestal I had him on

Have I let pregnancy hormones get the better of me or is this gross? 🤢

I'm not intending to come across as a 'cool wife' but I also think it's controlling to restrict your partners social media. I'm surprised at your reasoning that you're ok with porn (which is much more abusive, exploitative explicit) but not ok with instagram. You say that he is interacting with these girls, is he messaging them?

In terms of the suggested connections you see on your account, this is the algorithm at work and not something your DP can control.

This is obviously important to you but not a big deal to your partner. It's taken a couple of conversations to explain how you feel but he's addressed it now so I'd let it go and move on, and accept you have different views on social media

It is gross. He also isn’t respecting your boundaries at all.

This kind of grubby behaviour is so unattractive.

And it is not controlling to expect to be respected in a committed relationship.

@StarBar85 - I do think your hormones are affecting you. Your body is going through a huge change and hormones’ have a strong influence on how we feel.
Imagine PMS but multiple times more….

It’s understandable you feel different and unsure of yourself with your body changing. But your mind immediately went to severe distrust and turf defensiveness. Maybe it’s a natural evolutionary defensiveness to ensure your partner isn’t ‘lured’ away and sticks around to raise the child.

You say you are OK with porn as it’s a fantasy. But Instagram has potential for interaction…
If you stop and think for a min - you’ll see how irrational it sounds.

Life - work, transport, going out - has even more potential for interaction. Should you look your partner up? Blindfold and mime him, maybe?

Potential for interaction on its own is not going to make him cheat. Is there any particular reason you suddenly do not trust him???
Or is it - possibly - a temporary hormonal fog?

No, you haven’t overreacted.

Disappointing to see women suggest you let it go 🤦‍♀️

Why should anyone be suggesting to the OP suppress the hurt it causes, and allow her boundaries to be walked over so he can jerk off over girls young enough to be his daughter?

Saying she has no right to police his social media is a great way to shift the focus and blame onto the innocent party. His desire to leer at women online shouldn’t trump his partners basic need for security and respect. We leave that kind of attitude at the door when we decide to be with someone else.

You're right. He's a sleazy liar. He won't improve, unfortunately.

I totally get this and I don’t worry about him out and about. I understand we all look but we often keep that to ourselves. We all need to masturbate, I do it, but we often don’t do this to pictures of apparent ‘friends’ We also don’t show our partners what we’re leering over.

it’s hard to explain but all these women have only fans, Snapchat etc. I have no idea if he has signed up to only fans but know he has snap chat. I have no idea whether he is messaging them as I don’t have access to his phone. I just find the whole public nature of the leering off-putting 🤷🏻‍♀️

plus it’s actually gone past that now. It’s now the fact that I asked 3 times and each time been dismissed/he has got defensive. It’s the lying and him asking me to police what he does. As a grown adult he should be able to see what is appropriate or not. It no longer feels like a partnership and more like I’m living with a petulant child. I’m now over it and feel like he can do what he wants. I will concentrate on myself and my baby.

I’ve now just decided I don’t want to see what his has on his socials so have removed myself. This is apparently a complete overreaction and I’m now in the wrong.

It’s now the fact that I asked 3 times and each time been dismissed

This just reads to me like you've told him what to do 3 times and he hasn't done what you said. But he doesn't have to. He's a grown adult that can do what he likes, on his own social media.

Either accept that is what he does or walk away, but you can't TELL him what to do just because you don't like it. He's not on the same page with your partnership expectations, so unfortunately, its a case of do with that what you will.

@StarBar85

There is no absolute right/wrong here.

Until 7 weeks ago, before your hormonal storm - you were not bothered with what’s on his Instagram. And you would have waved away reel suggestion with skimpily dressed women. Now you made it into some major issue between the two of you.
Suddenly your partner became not trustworthy…

As a grown adult - he is not doing anything inappropriate, at least not at the level of universally agreed inappropriateness.

And - i agree with him - if YOU have your own suddenly changed guidelines on what he should/should not be looking at on Insta - it’s easier to just give you the direct censorship.
Which is, of course, ridiculous - and this is why you escalated and just threw your toys out of the pram. Blocking and dramatising.

You both are being silly. BUT you get a pass because you are newly pregnant.

The only thing that changed in your life in the last few months - is your new baby. Why not just enjoy this special time???

I think that unfollowing him was perfect. You have not overreacted, or been hysterical, or tried to control him. You've drawn a boundary, distancing yourself from behaviours that you don't approve of and don't wish to be subjected to. You find his actions so offensive that you'd rather not have anything to do with him at all on SM and he's finding this difficult to swallow, hence accusing you of overreacting.

I wasn’t actually fine with it. I just hadn’t happened to have seen anything before and never felt the need to look at his friends or follow list

it was by chance I woke up and saw him zooming in on pictures. Then I kept more of an eye out and saw him watching a dancing video. It was only then I looked through his list. Now I’ve looked through his list several times it’s throwing put suggestions to me, presumably because I’ve now looked through his profile etc

I feel the pregnancy is a red herring. I would have thought exactly the same if I’d seen it before but would have binned him off 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly. I’m not arguing or accusing him of things. I’m now saying do what you want, just don’t expect me to be ok with it or aware of it. I’ve just given him the green light to carry on without dragging me into it. He doesn’t appear to not like being on my instagram for some reason.

The worst behaviour is him following them in the first place.

So if a woman was spending her free interacting with male strippers on socials that would be just fine with most men? Yeah, sure.

There is no suggestion OP’s partner is interacting with anyone online. 🤷🏻‍♀️
My Instagram throws in videos to my feed - can be cats&puppies; can be muscly firefighters; and some random hunky men too. I glimpse and go on with my life.

(This isn’t even one if those typical MN discussions - is Porn OK… As OP is actually ok with porn. Just not Insta reels )

Nothing inappropriate in seeing those videos. No interactions. And if my bf decided to have a strop over it - because he does not have a 6pack like those men on the reels - i’d tell him to grow up.

I get it we have to treat pregnancy brain differently. But OP did wonder if she was overreacting… So - I do hope she’ll come to her senses with time.
The two of them created a life. Raising a child together will throw all kinds of challenges they’ll need to overcome.
If their relationship has a major crisis over something this minor - they have no chance really.

Don't listen to the dickpanderers. He's 100 percent in the wrong. He's a sleazy liar. And there's no reason at all to think he'll change.

Yes, I'm sorry he hid being a lying sleaze till you were pregnant. Being stuck with such a creep is an unpleasant thought.

This isn’t reels coming up based on an algorithm. This is deliberately following these women’s accounts, and often the same women on different platforms. Actively deciding you would like their content delivered to your insta/facebook accounts. Having access to photos that people who don’t follow don’t receive. It was a choice to follow these people, and it was a choice to not unfollow them when I said it made me uncomfortable.

and I have no idea if there have been interactions. They all have only fans and snap chat so he could be on those for all I know 🤷🏻‍♀️

our relationship isn’t in major crisis or at least it wasn’t until he decided to throw a hissy fit over me unfollowing him. There has been not arguing from my side, just a removal of him on my social media.

This 100%
Ans dickpanderers. I love that 😂

I wish people would stop invalidating OPs feelings by blaming her hormones. It’s actually quite condescending.

And no, following and objectifying women you are old enough to parent to sleaze over is not a universally accepted boundary Mmmomdd 🙄

Raise your standards.

I think just looking is fine if he’s just accessing them off the cuff and having a look. He is allowed to have eyes.

However if he is friend requesting them or messaging them then I would find that disrespectful and crossing a boundary as needing to gain attention to boost his ego.

Ultimately it comes down to what the two of you consider to be appropriate respectful boundaries and whether they align.

Would he be okay with it if the shoe were on the other foot?

It’s the requesting to follow them/friend requests that I have an issue with. It’s basically asking to receive this shit on your phone, it’s a choice you have to make.

I have a feeling he doesn’t like me blocking him because now he can’t see what I’m up to. Could be wrong but he seems very bothered by this!

I don't think people are discounting the OP's feelings, but pointing out that her partner has a different view. And that social media is not black or white, neither of them are 'wrong' here but they see things differently.

A calm, open discussion with some compromise should resolve it. OP's partner seems to be willing to show his social media to OP so doesn't sound like he's hiding anything.

But if you wouldn’t do it in person, then it isn’t acceptable just because it’s on your phone.

Following, friend requesting, Liking purely because you find someone sexually attractive etc are all bids for attention.

Would it be acceptable for an engaged man to walk up to a woman he deems attractive and tell her so? Or to start wanking over her? Or to ask for her social media details so he can see more of her?

A little phone can make it seem innocuous, but it is damaging all the same when you are in a relationship and these are your boundaries.

This!
I think you are awesome OP. His actions have consequences. You can follow who you like. Great boundaries, I'm jealous.

We’ve now had 3 calm conversations over this and he has changed nothing. There has been no compromise. And he hasn’t offered to give me access to his social media, he has asked me to look through his list and tell him anyone who bothers me. This is only after 3 conversations and it now feels like I’m telling him off.

so I’ve removed myself. At my age I don’t have time to agonise over what he’s doing, I just don’t want to see it anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also I think people objecting to op behaviour haven't had their phones infested with all the crap that goes with a partner doing this. I have and its icky.