How can I overcome trust issues after seeing messages on boyfriends phone?

[Tim3toputmys3lffirst]

Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve either been cheated on or they’ve been messaging other women behind my back.
so trust has always been a big issue for me.
my boyfriend of 2 years has never given me a reason not to trust him. He has always openly let me use his phone and gave me the passcode.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a woman had liked lots of his recent Instagram posts (all involving music) I was curious and had a look at her profile. My boyfriend had liked most of her recent posts too, which were her selfies, nice makeup and outfits, not music related.

I started to notice my boyfriend taking his phone everywhere with him which set my over thinking thoughts on fire. I decided to take a peek at his phone while he was in the shower.
I found tons of private messages between them, some into the early hours of the morning while I was in bed.
All these messages we music related, apart from one where they agreed to meet up for a drink sometime.

I told my boyfriend I had looked at his phone and that I was sorry I shouldn’t have but gave him the reasons which led me to it. He assured me she’s a friend from years ago and there’s nothing in it. And said he understands where my trust issues come from.
The thing that’s really getting to me is the amount of time and frequency he is talking to her. I’m worried it could turn in to something.
I know I should just trust what he’s told me and what will be will be.
but it’s tearing me up worrying that I might not be enough for him and he starts to develop feelings for this person.

side note: I am currently doing therapy for my mental health and issues

A man in a relationship shouldn't be sending hundreds of messages to another woman or liking her photos. It's absolutely inappropriate. He isn't trustworthy, your gut is right. He either has no boundaries or he's an out and out cheat - why tie yourself to him?

If he is in a relationship with you he shouldn't be spending his time exchanging hundreds of messages to another woman. The fact he is doing this late at night and also he has a new attatchment to his phone are signs this is not an innocent friendship, even if it did begin as a mutual interest in music. And if they are now talking about meeting up for a drink then their relationship is progressing further.
I'm sorry OP.

What they said. It's disrespectful and not appropriate. Move on.

He’s being inappropriate. He’s entitled to have female friends but why would he be sending her hundreds of messages?!

You’re not meant to ‘overcome’ anything in this situation, he’s lining up a ‘bit on the side’, why do you think you should just try and ignore that?! Surely you’re not that desperate for a boyfriend?

You dont trust him because hes clearly messaging other women.
You don't have 'trust issues'
Hes just a dick

It's never a male friend that these guys like loads of photos of and message hundreds of times into the night is it 🙄🙄 and there's a reason for that. I'd chuck this one back!

You're right not to trust him, you don't have to accept this

Nope, this is not ok. You’re right not to trust him.

You’re only two years in and he’s already sneaking around and investing time in another woman, seeking ego kibbles and validation. It’s time to throw this one back in the sea.

otherwise it will only get worse.

A man who thinks this is appropriate is not a man worth having. Unless he immediately sees the error of his ways and cuts it off, he’s no good. The only response should have been immediate apology and correcting his behaviour. But instead he told you that you were in the wrong.

He's said he wants to meet her for a drink fgs and he's never mentioned this "old friend" until now?

Normal people would say to their significant other something like "hey I've been chatting to an old friend recently shall we meet them for a drink together?" Or something like that.

This situation is looking suspiciously like "bit on the side" territory....

I just want to cry, I really thought this was on me and my issues.
We bought a house together so it would be a lot to throw away.
I’m constantly wanting to check his phone again but I told him to change his password so I can’t look. Got myself in a right muddle havent I 😭

To add another thing, he told me hes always found it easier talking to women than guys

Yeah because he's not interested in fucking men

A man in a relationship does not agree to meet a girl for a drink (well they do, because they cheat). He's never mentioned this friend to you, someone he's talking to loads, is agreeing to meet up with, he hasn't mentioned at all to you. That's not a sign that this is innocent.

Get out before you waste anymore years ..Even if its not sexual ,its an emotional affair and he should not be spending his time texting another woman ..You should be his number one and right now your not ..He won't change .I'm talking from experience..

Even if the messages are nothing but about music? And he told me he has no intention of meeting up with her, apparently she asked him. I don’t know why I’m trying to defend him. I just wish this wasn’t happening

It's not about what they text about, it's about the volume and the space she occupies in his mind. And if it's just friendship, why assure you he doesn't plan to meet her?

He might be saying that to you. But he is still investing all this time and his thoughts in her when you should be his primary focus. He might be saying he is not going to meet her but she obviously feels that would be the normal next step in their relationship.
He obviously is physically attracted to her or otherwise he wouldn't be liking all her photos - you said yourself they are nothing to do with music.

When you put it like that, I agree. I want to confront him again but i don’t know what to say. I need to let him know that I want him to invest that time in me and not someone else

Sending huge volumes of messages to each other does create an emotional bond. Just be careful. It’s good he (so he says) has no intention to meet her.

I think your flogging a dead horse in all honesty op. If he's doing this to you now, it's likely to happen again with a different woman down the line.

Find someone who doesn't need instructions on how to treat you properly

I wouldn't even bother confronting him, he will only gaslight you because he knows you are questioning yourself. Just split up with him and move on. The relationship with him is not going to improve.
Then I think you probably need to spend some time not in a relationship, learning to love yourself and realise you deserve better than these men you are ending up with. Break the cycle because otherwise it will keep happening. You are vulnerable and men can sense it a mile off

Of course your partner is allowed to have female friends

But this is apparently an old friend who you knew nothing about

Hes sending hundreds of messages to her some very late at night

Arranging a meeting

Lots of secrecy - I'd leave him

He already knows he should be investing that time in you though OP and he's choosing not to. This isn't a case of you being untrusting, he is untrustworthy which is why you were suspicious enough to check his messages and why there were messages there for you to find. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to come to terms with but you were right, you can't trust him.