How can I overcome trust issues after seeing messages on boyfriends phone?

[Tim3toputmys3lffirst]

Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve either been cheated on or they’ve been messaging other women behind my back.
so trust has always been a big issue for me.
my boyfriend of 2 years has never given me a reason not to trust him. He has always openly let me use his phone and gave me the passcode.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a woman had liked lots of his recent Instagram posts (all involving music) I was curious and had a look at her profile. My boyfriend had liked most of her recent posts too, which were her selfies, nice makeup and outfits, not music related.

I started to notice my boyfriend taking his phone everywhere with him which set my over thinking thoughts on fire. I decided to take a peek at his phone while he was in the shower.
I found tons of private messages between them, some into the early hours of the morning while I was in bed.
All these messages we music related, apart from one where they agreed to meet up for a drink sometime.

I told my boyfriend I had looked at his phone and that I was sorry I shouldn’t have but gave him the reasons which led me to it. He assured me she’s a friend from years ago and there’s nothing in it. And said he understands where my trust issues come from.
The thing that’s really getting to me is the amount of time and frequency he is talking to her. I’m worried it could turn in to something.
I know I should just trust what he’s told me and what will be will be.
but it’s tearing me up worrying that I might not be enough for him and he starts to develop feelings for this person.

side note: I am currently doing therapy for my mental health and issues

At the point your DP said " he finds women easier to talk to", that was the time to reconsider the relationship. Not because it means he's a cheat necessarily, but because it's always going to cause more mental angst for you to be with a man who holds this opinion.
You could see it like being fundamentally incompatible with how you are. Why put yourself through a relationship with a man who prefers to talk to women than men, when you don't need to? There are plenty of men who prefer to hang out with their guy friends, in fact they are probably in the majority, you'd find life smoother in a relationship with one of those.
The difference between you and someone more secure, is that you enter a relationship being mistustful, and with an expectation that they will cheat. So when something looks off, you put it down to your oversensitivity, whereas others, will see the behaviour as a reasonable indication that someone is up to no good.
You will be dismissing signs that are there as it just being your issues.
If he starts cheating in a physical sense, there will start being other signs.
You may notice him being up later than he was at night, taking more care of his appearance, being less transparent of where he is at times, and as you've already noticed, guarding his phone more. You have given him a freebie by suggesting that he changes his pass code, but there are still other ways to observe. Is he newly lying in bed texting at night or not in bed with you?
The other difference is how you deal with the signs compared to some. I suspect you get consumed by fear and upset and turn it on yourself, rather than finding your anger and realising that it shows that they are not good enough for you.

Not appropriate behaviour and a red flag. He is talking to her excessively so she already occupies a lot of his headspace. Even if he doesn't cheat physically he might be emotionally. It should not be the case in a long-term relationship, he should be focused one you! It is one thing to exchange a few messages once in a while and another thing if it is daily or almost daily communication.

Perhaps you don’t have trust issues, but have issues with attracting untrustworthy men. (Not judging here)

I don’t think you need to get over it, I think you need to get rid of him.

It won’t be good for your mental health to stay with him.

My ex husband was the same. In fact he had no male friends only female. Years later I found out what this really meant but it was a good cover story for him.
You don’t need to therapize yourself into trusting him. You need to get rid of him.

I don't think you need to throw this relationship away if you don't want to - and if that not wanting to is coming from a genuine feeling it has a good future, not just from fear. You say you're in therapy - have you talked it through with your therapist yet? If not, do! I agree with everyone that this friendship of your boyfriend's seems to be drifting into dangerous territory but that doesn't mean he has cheated or intends to cheat. A lot depends on his reactions. If she's into the same music he is and he likes her and fancies her and vice versa, no surprise that he's followed his instincts and ended up in what you see. If he really loves you and is really honest, you should be able to talk through why it's a dangerous situation and find a way forward that works. You haven't met her, right? Perhaps if you did, and liked her, and if you and he had a deep and honest talk about what's ok and what's not, there might be a good way forward, with a relationship stronger than now.

My issue isn’t that he is talking to a woman, nor that he is sending so many messages.

Im more surprised that he didn’t talk about her to you if she is an old friend.
And I’m surprised he is messaging her that early in the am too.

She said should we accidentally bump into each other for a drink, and he said I’d like that.

Id have massive issues with that message.
It implies secrecy (at least in her side)
It implies a shared history and a certain way of doing things (like arranging things so they look innocent etc…).

That raises big red flags to me.

@Tim3toputmys3lffirst have you looked at his phone again?
Are they still messaging as much since you told your DP? Are they still planning to meet up behind your back?

This has nothing to do with your supposed trust issues, and it's classic gaslighting for him to bring that up when you questioned him about his inappropriate relationship with another woman. When your DP gives you reason to distrust him, you are perfectly reasonable to do so.

He's at least mentally/emotionally cheating and so is she, or they wouldn't be discussing a meetup. Dump the cheating, gaslighting asshole.

Or two women - my last 2 relationships (before I met my wife and got married) have ended because the woman was messaging men at all hours in the same way OP’s partner was.

Shocking revelation - both men and women frequently do it, probably in fairly equal numbers and it’s entirely unacceptable.
Of course this goes against the ‘men bad, woman good’ MN rhetoric but it’s the truth I’m afraid!

I've been where you are and I want to say, it doesnt matter how much you worry and obsess over this. It doesn't matter if your constantly bothering him for his location or checking his phone. If he's going to find someone else, it will happen regardless of anything you do to prevent it. Infact the behaviour your using to prepare/be ready or prevent it will push him towards it.

That said any woman, even one without trust issues would be worried by what you have found.

Don't do anything more, don't mention it again and just be prepared that it could happen but it could happen with any of us tomorrow. Getting upset, checking phones can't prevent it.

No i haven’t been able to check his phone because he changed the passcode.
but he has liked more of her instagram pictures. I don’t know if they have spoken about meeting up again. He doesn’t go out much anyway (social anxiety) so it would surprise me if he suddenly started going out

So his answer to you being concerned and anxious about contact with this woman is to change his number and ramp up the validation he’s giving her on social media.

This isn’t ok and he KNOWS that, he just doesn’t care.

I asked him to change it because I don’t want to be the jealous, insecure? Paranoid girlfriend. I thought by not having access would make me forget about it but that’s not worked at all

Yes I agree, it’s affecting me a lot now. I just keep thinking it’s all my fault, like I’ve pushed him away with how I’ve been with my mental health. He went to work today without giving me a kiss goodbye so Now I’m wondering if I’ve done something wrong

Well, obviously, women do it too (BINGO!) given that it’s a situation that exists across the sexes. There’s a woman involved in this scenario too. But she’s not the OP’s partner, trotting out unconvincing justifications to her, is she?

'That’s what I’ve been telling myself, that I’m over reacting and that the issue is on me.'

That's so sad to read.

A relationship is not meant to make you have self doubt and insecurity.

You should be feeling secure.

@Tim3toputmys3lffirst Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve either been cheated on or they’ve been messaging other women behind my back.

The majority of men can't message women behind their partner's back because no other women are willing to talk to them about anything outside of work.

If all of your partners are messaging other women, the general cause of this is that you are letting men approach you. A man who approaches you is likely to be approaching dozens of other women too.

I don’t like the way that she’s said they should ‘accidentally’ bump into each other. Why does it need to be accidental? She obviously knows it wouldn’t be appropriate in the way they are perhaps both behaving for them to plan to meet up. It’s all a bit secretive. I’d ask him to have a think about the wording of what she proposed, and see if he understands how it makes you feel and how it comes across. Maybe even suggest that a few of you all plan to meet up instead?

Sorry I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. You mean I attract the wrong men?

but at the same time, if he thinks you suspect, he could be self limiting whats discussed etc

Ask yourself why you need a relationship where you don't feel secure. Tell him directly that his increased communication with this lady friend makes you uncomfortable and can he please limit it. If he values you he will do whatever it takes to reduce your distress.

It’s not you, it’s him.

Don’t waste any more time on this one.

ive had the worst couple of days moping around over this. I need to talk to him. I need to tell him this needs to stop or I’m done.

I’m constantly wanting to check his phone again but I told him to change his password so I can’t look. Got myself in a right muddle havent I 😭

it’s affecting me a lot now. I just keep thinking it’s all my fault, like I’ve pushed him away with how I’ve been with my mental health. He went to work today without giving me a kiss goodbye so Now I’m wondering if I’ve done something wrong

I need to talk to him. I need to tell him this needs to stop or I’m done.

When you found out about his inappropriate behaviour, instead of putting your foot down, you put blinkers on. "If I don't know I don't need to deal with it". When this didn't work, you blamed yourself. Now you are hoping that a talk will sort out this whole mess. And you are trying to persuade yourself that if he doesn't stop you'll be done.

You know you aren't strong enough to leave him. He will tell you a tale and you'll believe him - and nothing will change. You won't know whether he'll still be messaging this woman, you'll get more and more distressed, your mental health will nosedive, and you'll end up a nervous wreck.

You absolutely need to work on your self esteem and deal with your MH issues:

• invest in counselling
• read Women Who Love Too Much
• read The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Op - he stepped over the boundary. let him go. You need to work on why you keep picking the same men.