How can I overcome trust issues after seeing messages on boyfriends phone?

[Tim3toputmys3lffirst]

Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve either been cheated on or they’ve been messaging other women behind my back.
so trust has always been a big issue for me.
my boyfriend of 2 years has never given me a reason not to trust him. He has always openly let me use his phone and gave me the passcode.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a woman had liked lots of his recent Instagram posts (all involving music) I was curious and had a look at her profile. My boyfriend had liked most of her recent posts too, which were her selfies, nice makeup and outfits, not music related.

I started to notice my boyfriend taking his phone everywhere with him which set my over thinking thoughts on fire. I decided to take a peek at his phone while he was in the shower.
I found tons of private messages between them, some into the early hours of the morning while I was in bed.
All these messages we music related, apart from one where they agreed to meet up for a drink sometime.

I told my boyfriend I had looked at his phone and that I was sorry I shouldn’t have but gave him the reasons which led me to it. He assured me she’s a friend from years ago and there’s nothing in it. And said he understands where my trust issues come from.
The thing that’s really getting to me is the amount of time and frequency he is talking to her. I’m worried it could turn in to something.
I know I should just trust what he’s told me and what will be will be.
but it’s tearing me up worrying that I might not be enough for him and he starts to develop feelings for this person.

side note: I am currently doing therapy for my mental health and issues

So sorry op, sending a woman that amount of messages is opening the door for a relationship. I hope you manage to get sorted.

You’re all right. I just find it hard to admit to
myself that this isn’t going to change and i
know what I need to do. I know I need to think about myself but I don’t feel strong enough right now. The thought of putting my kids through another house move terrifies me

I'm surprised at all the responses. I would have thought it an innocent friendship based on a shared musical interest.

I hope you and he can sort this out, OP.

Sorry op . This is cheating and an emotional affair . All the signs are there , keeping it secret from you , being protective of his phone and then minimising when found out .
He is prioritising this person over you . It's also not just discussing music , if he is liking photos etc .

OP, you haven't got trust issues, he is spending hours chatting to another woman which shows you his focus is not on your relationship. Your instincts were good here and l wouldn't bother to listen to his excuses. These sorts of guys always say they find it easier talking to women, it's never some random bloke they are talking to late at night.

Only attractive ones i bet.

That's fair enough and ask him why he is talking to them like that and not you.

Tell him how you feel and be honest, tell him the amount of time, effort he spends on other ladies makes you very uncomfortable

See what he says - then you tell him what you expect and make it an ultimatum and take it from there

I finding it easier talking to the opposite sex as do my OH - but it almost always face to face and we are always mindful of what others may make out of it

For the record, we never discuss personal stuff, just odds and ends nothing private

See what he says - be calm and if he reacts badly, IMO its not good.
Talk to parents if you can see what they say before you talk to him, just a thought

Good luck

A friend he knew from years ago? What exactly does that mean? Did they go to school together? Work together? If she's such a great friend that he's messaging her all day and night then why don't you suggest he invites her round for dinner to meet you and the kids.

He hasn't mentioned you in the messages has he?

He's enjoying the thrill of chatting with her and even if there is nothing sexual in the messages he will be reading into it that she likes him more than friends.

He's sly.

Dump him .

We were both in the same year at school together and this woman was in the year below us. And apparently she was in a relationship with his best friend years ago

If it was just the messages, yes. But the frequency and times of the messages and liking her selfies. It’s made me suspicious

I don’t know as I haven’t read all the messages and I can’t access his phone now anyway. To start with I thought that was a good thing I couldn’t see (out of sight, out of mind) but I constantly think about it, especially when he’s on his phone

Your self-respect is a lot to throw away.

It’s funny how all these supposedly platonic friendships involving intense late-night messaging and liking of selfies that we frequently read about on here never happen between two men, isn’t it?

I wish I knew why it happens, why men (and some women) think it’s ok to treat people this way. I’ve been so damaged by men in previous relationships I don’t know if I would be able to trust someone fully again.

Spot on!

He has definitely crossed a line I think, but if he is prepared to see that he has crossed a line and would not be happy for you to be doing the same (for example), It could be salvageable.

With a genuine apology and understanding

if the shoe was on the other foot most posters would be omg, your dh does not trust you etc

unless you have proof then it seems 50/50 only you know if you what you prefer.

that said all the best op

id say thats because most would presume their is limited possibility of it being an affair,

No, it’s because those kinds of online / text relationships just don’t tend to develop between two men.

You don't have trust issues, you have a shit of a boyfriend.

Your mental health might improve significantly when you're no longer putting up with him and his crappy behaviour.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself, that I’m over reacting and that the issue is on me. But the more I think about it, the more I feel somethings not right.
I could ask him to
show me the latest messages to reassure me. If he won’t show me then I’ll know he’s hiding something, and that will be my answer

OP you read the messages, who initiated the meet up? I think regardless of this his intentions were bad.
I have been you in this situation. “An old friend! Nothing in it I promise but won’t message her again”…. It happened 4 times altogether before I finally gathered my shit together and found the strength to leave him.
My self esteem was in the gutter but I’ve since learnt that it’s definitely a ‘him’ problem and nothing I could have done would have changed that. Some men live for the chase, the excitement, the dopamine hit of speaking to a new woman. IME that doesn’t ever change.

She said should we accidentally bump into each other for a drink, and he said I’d like that. But that was the only message I didn’t like. All the rest was about music, new albums, favourite band etc.
the thing is he does actually have a female best friend and I know her, she’s happily married, but he doesn’t see or speak to her that often anymore. So I’m just confused by the whole thing

You aren't confused. It's very clear.