How can I overcome trust issues after seeing messages on boyfriends phone?

[Tim3toputmys3lffirst]

Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve either been cheated on or they’ve been messaging other women behind my back.
so trust has always been a big issue for me.
my boyfriend of 2 years has never given me a reason not to trust him. He has always openly let me use his phone and gave me the passcode.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a woman had liked lots of his recent Instagram posts (all involving music) I was curious and had a look at her profile. My boyfriend had liked most of her recent posts too, which were her selfies, nice makeup and outfits, not music related.

I started to notice my boyfriend taking his phone everywhere with him which set my over thinking thoughts on fire. I decided to take a peek at his phone while he was in the shower.
I found tons of private messages between them, some into the early hours of the morning while I was in bed.
All these messages we music related, apart from one where they agreed to meet up for a drink sometime.

I told my boyfriend I had looked at his phone and that I was sorry I shouldn’t have but gave him the reasons which led me to it. He assured me she’s a friend from years ago and there’s nothing in it. And said he understands where my trust issues come from.
The thing that’s really getting to me is the amount of time and frequency he is talking to her. I’m worried it could turn in to something.
I know I should just trust what he’s told me and what will be will be.
but it’s tearing me up worrying that I might not be enough for him and he starts to develop feelings for this person.

side note: I am currently doing therapy for my mental health and issues

No, I am saying it is likely that it is likely that you let men approach you, and your current partner is a man who instigated the relationship. A man who approaches women doesn't just approach one woman- they approach dozens of women. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that your partner, who approached you, is also approaching other women at the same time.

So it turns out there are more messages, him saying ‘we still need to arrange us accidentally bumping into each other’
it’s over. I’m done with these types of men!

Just one hurdle in the way…..jointly owning a house and I’ve only been in my new job 1 week! 😩

Oh @Tim3toputmys3lffirst im sorry.
This is shit.

Do you think he’ll be happy to leave or will you have to find somewhere to rent until he buys out/the house is sold?

I’m not in a position to do either currently. I don’t know what to
do

How did you find out? Was he "caught" cheating with her again ? Or did he confess and sorry for doing this again ? Has he given you a good reason why he cannot stop contacting her when he knows how much it upsets you?

Big hug OP.

Your gut was telling you that something wasn’t right. I don’t have any advice for you moving forward, but stay strong xx

The sooner you put the house on the market, the sooner it is sold. Many families want to move over the summer so their children are ready for a new school in time for the new school year.

The messages have completely stopped for 2 weeks on Instagram. But now I’m wondering if he’s messaging her by other means. He’s constantly glued to his phone, won’t go anywhere without it. Even when he takes a shower.

almost certainly the messaging has moved elsewhere. It hasn’t stopped. Why would it suddenly end? He’s still glued to his phone messaging frantically so who is he suddenly messaging instead?

Taking the phone into the shower is a red flag the size of Jupiter in the circumstances, unless he’s listening to music with it. He’s guarding it and possibly using shower time for sending messages.

OP you said you were done in your last update and now you’re saying all this. The messages have moved elsewhere or he is deleting them. You need to end this.

That’s easier said than done though. Financially I can’t just end it, I need to be prepared first. But what if he has genuinely stopped messaging her after the last conversation with him?

You know it’s doubtful as he is being so protective over his phone still. You’re going through the same thought patterns over and over, trying to make excuses for him. Your gut is telling you something here. If you are still posting on here about this, then it clearly isn’t resolved and you can tell something is up.
If you need to prepare then do so. But don’t make excuses for his behaviour because that’s the easy way out. You deserve better than this.

OP- you will never be able to trust him again. Doesnt matter if the messages have ‘stopped’ ( lets be real though, they haven’t, he is either deleting them or moved elsewhere)

The message that he sent is equally as bad as hers. That tone doesn’t apply platonic in anyway.

I have male friends and if i want to meet them I tell my husband because it is purely platonic and i have nothing to hide and i dont message them middle of the night or secretly.

its obviously harder in your situation with the new house to just up and leave, but honestly this relationship isnt going anywhere and you need to do yourself a favour and sort this out as quickly as you can before you get more tied down.

i know, you’re right 😔
I just thought it was different this time.

I know, you’re hurt. Feeling this level of hurt is incredibly painful so we try and find any way we can to stop hurting. Whether it’s trying to ignore it or minimise it or seek validation from the people who are hurting us.
But the hurt is there for a reason - it’s telling you that you need to do better for yourself than this. Don’t ignore it, feel it. It’s trying to tell you something.

Thank you, I needed to read that. Some days I feel stronger than others. I need to think of my feelings and my well being, because he certainly isn’t

of course you will, it’s a process. Please be kind to yourself throughout it all. Don’t beat yourself up. The one way to gather the strength to leave is to build up your self esteem. You deserve better

Another cheating scum bag... the taking the phone everywhere is a classic sign, theres no ifs or buts this is no innocent friendship. What do you know about the woman? She shouldn't get away scot free either presumably she knows your In a relationship with him "accidentally meet up for a drink" what a ***. Sell your house and walk away keep any profit towards a deposit for another but for now, I'd just say we're done it's over go move in with your fancy piece if that's what you want or stay I don't care but she won't be stepping foot in this house! Or ill call the police to have her removed. That should set the tone.

Stay for now, let him stay to though hard as that is and then get it on the market and buy your next house on your own. Why has he waited until he bought a house with you to do this... I'd also be messaging the other half of this disgrace though and telling her exactly what I thought of her and telling any partner of hers what she's upto aswell. Tell you something OP I'd be very suprised if this relationship lasts with her. The grass is always greener when you arnt standing on it

I don’t know much about her at all really, other than she loves metal music like he does. She definitely knows he’s with me and she asked if it would be too weird meeting up, he didn’t think so

No she means weird because she used to be with his mate! What a nightmare. It actually is weird and it just convinces me more that this won't work out for him

If your really unsure, what I would do is confront him and say if your not upto anything why you taking your phone everywhere. That's the first sign that there's alot more than innocent friendship going on and I'm really sorry to say that it would be very easy for him to delete any messages you may not like. I'm not saying he has/is but it's possible. Don't be afraid to speak up and fight your corner if he leaves he leaves.

Better yet ask him when you three are meeting up for this drink, as you can't wait to meet his new "mate" lol 😀 I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that little gem hahaha.

I'd go aswell haha 😄 😆 🤣

That's not normal of him, and I would ditch him.

I think you're asking the wrong question. It shouldn't be "Can you" overcome trust issues after seeing the messages, but "Should you?"

Why should YOU bear the burden of his actions?
Why should you wonder about him forever more, if you stay in the relationship?
Why should you put yourself through that?
Why does he even deserve such an effort of will on your part?

You shouldn't overcome these trust issues. They're there for a reason.

Throw him back.