What are your DH’s normally doing on a Friday and Saturday nights?

[BroughttoyoubyBerocca]

My DH seems to go out every Friday and Saturdays nights and Sunday afternoons. Always to a pub, sometimes/often watching football. I’m lonely, fed up, feeling used tbh.

What are other Dads doing? What can we be doing as a family on a weekend night together that’s fun? Im struggling, he just seems to want to go to work, pub at weekends and leave everything else up to me. He wanted kids, pushed for ttc 2nd before I suggested it.

I can’t see that I would benefit in anyway divorcing yet this feels like either a shit marriage or I married someone who doesn’t actually want family life. If we divorce I’m wise off financially and alone more often.

I’ve tried pointing out to him that the guys that he is drinking with are not happily married family men but seems to fall on deaf ears. Kids are 9 and 11. Both of us work full time, both stressful jobs, I’m the bigger earner, no family living nearby.

This. I’m a bloke and can’t imagine anything worse - but there are a subset of men (and women too I'm guessing) that would rather go to the pub at the weekend and avoid ‘typical’ family activities.

Unfortunately people who do this are probably quite set in their ways, so it might be a struggle to change the pattern.

If we broke up I would be spending every night alone, rather than weekend nights with a sprinkling of midweek. I’m too tired and fat to even think about dating, also would want to prioritise my DC and pets.

My middle-aged, single, female friends variously out out with friends, run, paddle-board (no thanks), go dancing, date a bit, paint, join things, book wine club, loads of stuff. The 'fat' one dates more than anyone else. Proper hotties BTW.

But importantly they have friends, interests, fun stuff. He has football and the pub, what do you have?

@BroughttoyoubyBerocca you say his friends are unhappily married, but unfortunately he is in the same category. He is escaping as much as he can as he doesn’t want to spend time with you. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s obvious he’s checked out. If you think your life would be worse without him and you won’t contemplate divorce then you need to try make your own life whilst living alongside him because he will leave ….one day.

My DH avoids anything akin a lads night like the plague. At our church there is a men’s group who go out for beer or curry. He’s been once in a decade.

I see this as normal, we are more a meal out, trip to the cinema type people

My Dp is with me every other weekend ( both divorced so have kids on same weekend). We usually meet up on the weekend we have kids and do a fun activity and have dinner together. If it’s our kid free weekend we have cosy dinner and Netflix on Friday night then go out Saturday , Sunday we Just do gardening or shopping or just catch up on chores together and spend time chatting . I really value he is not always out with friends, he will occasionally go out on a Friday night but that’s like 4 times a year if that ( he usually schedules when it isn’t our weekend like in the week). My ExH was out all the time amd like you I felt so alone, lonely and also stranded and overwhelmed with chores / kids, not a minute to myself.

This. I’m a bloke and can’t imagine anything worse - but there are a subset of men (and women too I'm guessing) that would rather go to the pub at the weekend and avoid ‘typical’ family activities

What I have observed from my nights out in the pub is that men and women with children don’t tend to stay the whole night. They either come early and leave early or come late and stay late. There are also coupleswhere one leaves early and is replaced by their other half fifteen minutes later. Also women rarely stay until the early hours.

@@BroughttoyoubyBerocca please also don’t run yourself down! Some things we do when it’s out blended family nights is play uno or Dobble or other cards games. Or picnic or bbq in garden … something we can all
enjoy then movie or kids just amuse themselves after which is nice as we get some “us” time. Can you speak to him and tell him how you feel? He should compromise and spend at least one night on weekend at home and he should want to instead of having this separate like outside of the family unit.

Usually just hang out at home, I can't really say we do much as such, maybe watch TV together, or we go up to bed early to just chat or listen to a podcast. Sometimes we will go to a pub for a drink together.

Weekend as a whole he's usually at football with his kid's on Saturday, but Sunday's we would do dog walks, sneak off in the morning early for a coffee together (kid's are a bit older) go to the beach.

He sometimes goes off to watch football in the pub with friend's but this is rare. I've been in a relationship like you, and I ended it, I just wouldn't put up with it, you're hardly even house mate's

I ended up divorced way back at 28 due to a H like this. Not only is it quite lonely- guys like this are bloody boring .

What happens when you suggest something to do as a family?

That's not great. And definitely not what I'd find acceptable. We spend all weekend as a family, in the garden, out together for coffee/food/shopping etc or watching a movie, going to the theatre for a Saturday matinee. He cooks a big roast or in summer a bbq every Sunday without fail unless we go out to eat. (He also cooks at least 50% of the time during week, does all the laundry & most of the food shopping, and does almost all teenage taxi service). DH doesn't go to pubs or hang out with groups of men. Goes for a walk & lunch with his best friend once every 3 months at most. He does spend Sunday morning working out and 1-2 hours every day but Saturday working out but at times that are convenient to family life eg. Very early morning etc
(I do realise he is exceptional and sets a high bar but my dad did literally nothing domestically and I knew I would never settle for the same).

Friday nights we might go out together or separately maybe once a month. Saturdays are sacred family/ couple time, usually a nice meal and a film together. He meet up with his mates after work during the week ( again maybe once a month).

On Friday and Saturday we sit around the dinner table yakking over a few glasses of wine or beer. We either get a takeaway pizza or a ‘posh’ supermarket pizza and sized like olives, coleslaw, salad, etc. On Saturday, we like to cook something from scratch, like a Thai red curry. We go to the local world food shop and get coriander, ginger, etc. and other random stuff, and often have a coffee and cake in the nearby cafe. Kids are older - 16 and 18 - so they might go out or play online with friends. Once every 2-3 months I’ll go out with friends on one of the nights, or DP will meet up with a few ‘dad’ mates. When the kids were young we’d spend weekends in the usual places - farms, cinema, theme parks, etc.

In your shoes I would split. You don’t need him and it would free you up to meet someone who wants the same things as you.

I'm reading this thread with interest. My exDP was never in the house, and when I say never I really mean it - every single night, aside from the weekends he had contact with his DD, he was in the pub. I ended the relationship a few years ago now but I'm still learning what's normal in relationships.

OP, every weekend is a piss take. He's disrespectful and doesn't value your family.

That sounds very tough @BroughttoyoubyBerocca and to be honest it sounds like my parents who are now divorced. I remember my dad going to work all day, popping home for his dinner ready on the table, having a bath and then going to the pub (six days a week) and football on a Saturday afternoon. Sundays was the only evening we were all in the house.

Me and DH are thankfully the opposite to my parents. Before children we were out most weekends but 90% of the time it was together. Now, we probably both go out individually with friends 3 times a year and together as a couple the same (we have an 18 month old and 3 year old). Other than that, once the kids are in bed our evenings are spent watching series/films together, playing board games, making cocktails together and listening to music, we make our own beer festivals as we don’t get to those anymore and we both play the Xbox together once a week. Luckily, we’ve always had similar interests and tastes!

I wouldn't be happy with that. Apart from the odd night out, we spend out weekends together as a family and evenings together

You know he's a selfish bell end right? Tell him you're going to spend a month doing the same and he will enable it because obviously he's not a misogynistic arse....
Or divorce him and get every other weekend to do whatever you like.

Fridays is usually 'our' evening. First we do any leftover essential tidying/load dishwasher etc. Then we watch a film together or play card games and eat snacks and have a hot drink or whatever. Occasionally one of us will go out instead but that's like once a month or less - to a party, a mate's house, a meal/drinks out, family gathering, cinema etc. Also occasionally we have mutual friends over for games nights and we drink, eat snacks, catch up and play board/card games together.

Saturdays as above one of us may be out but not often. Otherwise we tidy up, DH does the washing up if needed, we usually both pitch in with the ironing whilst watching telly or a film. Chat, I read, DH plays video games.

My DH and I are mostly in on Fridays and Saturdays together but now that it is summer we are taking it in turns to go out and see friends. I had dinner with a friend last Saturday and he went out for a curry and gig for his friends birthday this Friday. He took the kids to soft pay this morning and to the park on his own this afternoon and I did some batch cooking (which I love doing) then he went to watch the football whilst I did kids dinner, bath and bed. We have a good balance!

DH works some weekends including nights so I'm at home generally alone with DC. On the weekends he's not working we normally do stuff together, walks, days out, visiting family. Nights in will be film and cook a meal. Occasionally we will go out for a meal and a few drinks together if we have childcare. We do go out with friends separately for a might out maybe once or twice a month. DH wouldn't disappear to the pub every weekend though and TBH I wouldn't be with him if he did, doesn't seem very family oriented and it's not the life I would want.

We do almost everything together. A big part of that is because we originally got together due to common interests.

We both love sport and have football and cricket family season tickets. We also go horse racing together and a few other sports.

Many of our holidays are sporting related eg watching England play cricket in the Caribbean or going to Euro/World Cup football abroad.

I probably go out with just the girls maybe twice a year and even then I’d rather be doing something else with DH and DS.

DH might go to the odd Saturday away game with me but only because I’ve got something else on. Even then probably only a couple of games a season.

DH never goes out on a Friday or Saturday night (and neither do I). Weekends are spent as a family of 4, sometimes splitting up with one parent taking one dc to a party or activity, but the other parent has the other child. We do lots of trip out as a family, we're out of the house from 8am to 4pm and I look forward to weekends. Evenings are spent having dinner at home and putting dcs to bed (one parent takes one dc). After dcs are in bed we deal with chores and admin and watch movies at home.

Because then I’m also hosting and still alone when DC go to bed? Also I want family time, not other people’s DC.

Why not invite friends with kids over?

Because as demonstrated by this thread, most of them want to spend their Friday/Saturday evenings as a family or as a couple.

So either OP invites one of the couple over - in which case that person has to leave their other half on their tod - or she invites the whole family - but then it would seem rather awkward that her DH isn’t there.

A very interesting post this - I do get you OP as I ended up divorced at 28 due to a DH who never seemed much to want 'family time' - we did however get married very young and on reflection I think that was part of the issue- he still wanted a twenty something life. I think you need to be really upfront about this and achieve something far more balanced or find out if he's actually very happy in the relationship.

With regards to others comments that they do everything together, My son who is 26 is in his first live in relationship /long term GF and has had various chats with me that although he loves the girl dearly he does find it claustrophobic and wants to do a bit more 'independently' - she too is very into the 'doing things together at all times' and not bothered anymore about friends or separate interests etc. so I do think there isa balance to be had- even if you have kids. Having been through a divorce plus a live in relationship split up and now married again for 28 years , I am very aware that sometimes it really isn't good to put all your eggs in one basket relationship wise , if it goes wrong, it's good to have other people in your life. ( friends and family - not other partners) !!