Boyfriend gone on holiday for 1 month.

[Bumblebun]

How would you feel if your boyfriend of 4 years went on holiday with his children for 1 month?
(Not quite for pleasure but more for bereavement)

You both live separately and have never been on holiday together yet.
Relationship has been rocky recently due to his recent move (which is over an hour’s drive away) and conflicting work schedules, and this means you see each other once a week for a few hours at most. No overnights. Some weeks you don’t see him due to him working overtime. This has been addressed before and there has been no improvement.

Would it be too harsh to block and delete?

The more I read the more I think (sorry) that this is a FWB situation but you're not getting any of the benefits.

Most 14 year olds would consider blocking and deleting childish!
Just have an adult conversation.

I think there's more than a grain of truth in there.

It wasn’t that I felt what was said wasn’t truthful- it was that the point of the thread I made was highlighting that this isn’t a relationship and I was asking if it was harsh to move on now or wait until he returns.

in regards to your previous question as to why he moved; He was living closer to me so I was seeing him a few times a week - but his landlord sold the property and as he wasn’t able to find a suitable place within budget in time, he had to go into social housing and the council moved him and the kids over an hour and a half away from where he was before. This is temporary and he hopefully will soon move closer; but with social housing you can’t dictate when that will be. Could be months or could be years.

Please don’t block dump or do anything while he’s away burying his father. The relationship is over. Consider yourself single and uncouple kindly and maturely when he’s home.

@Lamelie
Thank you. Point taken and I have agreed that I will be waiting for him to return - but in the meantime I won’t contact him.

You’re not honestly suggesting she dumps him over text while he’s burying his father are you?

For f*cks sake give yourself a reality check.
At least wait until the coffin is in the ground and he’s back home - what a heartless person you must be to even think that’s remotely acceptable.

After 4 years, you can't just block and delete. His father died; you yourself said it was a bereavement trip. He has his children with him and it's not a sunny holiday in Granada.

You don't have to wait until he returns to break up, though. Just be the kind person you have been. You can withdraw your support. To do it by a phone call might be traumatic for both of you, to do it by text doesn't seem right either. I'd suggest an email, firm but considerate. Do send a brief text to let him know to look for your email. Explain you've grown apart, that neither of you can be supportive of one another anymore. Say you want to end things now, that dragging it out would make it harder on both of you.

You don't want to give him false hope, so tell him you won't change your mind. Do not leave things open-ended, either. If he has anything left at yours, arrange to send it back to him. If you can return his things safely now, then do that, so you don't need to meet.

Just tell him you are cutting contact; if he needs to get in touch, use email you as you won't be taking calls or texts.

Say whatever you need to, but try not to blame him. If you are respectful, hopefully, he'll be the same.

Are he and his children with other friends or family? If so, even better. There will be things to distract him and he'll have help with the children. Maybe someone to comfort him if he needs it.

Ending things with a block and delete would be so unkind, especially now. Be considerate and think of how you'd want someone to break up with you. If you leave email as the only way to contact you, you can respond when you're ready and if he becomes angry and unpleasant, you have the option to block him completely.

Good luck.

@beenwhereyouare

Thank you. That’s helpful.

He and his family are staying with his family back home.

@Dweetfidilove

I completely get that it comes down to him being a single parent with children (who are 12, 15 and 16) and having less time. That’s why I did suggest we had a break before but he was adamant this could work - and as I’m also a single parent to a child (who is 10) and reason why we were taking things slow and why my son only knows him as a friend and not boyfriend.

Im very empathetic and get it- but I think like you said; ultimately, it’s just not working and that’s just the reality.

He is clearly distancing himself, not wanting to commit any more, prioritises his friends over you, doesn't seem to miss you when he's away from you (never gets in touch), doesn't consider you to be 'family' or even a serious partner, after 4 years. Doesn't want you to meet his children.

You are absolutely right to walk away. He clearly isn't up for anything serious or committed, or for seeing you as an important part of his life.

I personally don't feel you have to wait 3 weeks to tell him. It's 3 months since his dad died, and they weren't particularly close, and he didn't consider you to be a serious enough gf to keep in touch with, he doesn't appear to have any consideration for your feelings, so I don't think you owe him waiting til he's back (not if it's to the detriment of your own wellbeing and feelings).

I see why people are saying 'after 4 years you owe him more' but that's because after 4 years it's usually a serious, committed relationship. He hasn't committed. He appears to be phasing you out. So the duration of your relationship isn't relevant here.

That said, I can understand why you might prefer to do it in person. But if you do it that way, I would be clear with yourself in the meantime that it's over, all but for the telling. And certainly don't feel obliged to contact him in the meantime. When he returns, you can tell him it's over and it's been over for 3 weeks, ever since you realised you mean very little to him, and you realised you deserve better.

If this was just an anomoly after his father's death; if this was just 4 weeks away with his children after his father's death - I'd say fair enough. But it's years of treating you like you don't matter.

Sorry but does he just keep you hanging on as he wants sex?

Wow. Why so viscious? Swearing and calling me names.
If you read what I wrote, I did not say dump him by text, or when to do it.
And plenty of other posters (the majority) are saying to dump him too. Are you going to quote them, swear at them and call them names too?

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips

Don’t worry about it. There’s always one self entitled keyboard warrior who wants to try and debate on here.

I appreciate your post. Thank you

you clearly missed the bit where OP said his father died 3 months ago. He’s buried or cremated already. The way he’s treated her she doesn’t owe him anything and from her posts she’s far from heartless. In fact, in my opinion it’s her heart that’s allowed him to treat her like an option for so long.

give yourself a reality check and stand by women instead of condoning shitty subpar behaviour from men.

@EG94 Thank you. Well said.

How has he got the school to agree to him taking a 13,15 & 16 old out of school for a month? Surely the 16 year old is about to do his/her GCSEs?

I don't think four weeks to cope with his dads death is a 'holiday'

But equally I'd expect after four years that you'd have moved in together or being invited to stuff like that, you barely see him so what's the point I would end it

Four years no holiday, he's moved further away, it would be goodbye from me.

This isn't a relationship as such.

It's like acquaintances with sporadic benefits. But only when it suits him.

I doubt if he'd even notice if you ghosted him, let alone be arsed.

You deserve better.

Yup….

Also, having just come from the fantasist GF thread….

You’ve never met or spoken to these kids? Or any member of his family?

In all honesty, can you actually verify if his kids are living with him? Are the kids actually In this country? Do they actually even exist?

Can you verify that his Dad actually has died and that your BF is abroad? Because if he’s in emergency social housing as you’ve said…. Well let’s just say being absent for that long wouldn’t be allowed.

You sound absolutely awful from this post OP. Your partners father has died and he’s going to spend time with family after a bereavement. You are jealous and acting like he’s going on a lads holiday! It would be disgusting to ‘block and delete’ out of spite in these circumstances. Grow up and just break up with him if you’re not getting enough attention or it seems he’s just not that into you. Don’t punish a man when he’s just lost a parent for goodness sake.

Four years and you haven't met his kids? You're not in a relationship, OP - you're his fuck buddy.

How's it going OP? Hope you're doing ok.

@ItsADoggieDogWorld

Thanks for checking up on me. Just as suspected; my ex continued his behaviour. He did call after about 2 weeks and spoke for 5 mins to say how much fun he was having and that he would be extending his trip for another week (making his trip 5 weeks). I wasn’t interested so didn’t engage much.

He then called when he arrived back in the UK and said he wanted to see me as he felt we needed to talk, I agreed and said I would see him later that evening. I didn’t see him as he texted to say he was tired and would try and see me later in the week. I didn’t respond and blocked and deleted his number.

Onwards and upwards!