Boyfriend gone on holiday for 1 month.

[Bumblebun]

How would you feel if your boyfriend of 4 years went on holiday with his children for 1 month?
(Not quite for pleasure but more for bereavement)

You both live separately and have never been on holiday together yet.
Relationship has been rocky recently due to his recent move (which is over an hour’s drive away) and conflicting work schedules, and this means you see each other once a week for a few hours at most. No overnights. Some weeks you don’t see him due to him working overtime. This has been addressed before and there has been no improvement.

Would it be too harsh to block and delete?

He's hardly supportive if he's moved away, rarely sees you and has never been on holiday with you!

My thoughts were to block because I haven’t heard from him and if I know him as I think I do; I probably won’t until he is back or close to returning and then will get in contact.

I did initially want to split a few months ago and actually stopped talking to him as again I felt like this is going nowhere and I hadn’t seen him in about 2 weeks and the last time I did see him, he said he was coming to see me and we would go out for drinks and didn’t show up. (Again something he has done before - not often, but has been done before and I had spoken to him about it and he was apologetic and promised to not do it again and didn’t until a few months later). I didn’t see him and then he called one day saying he HAD to see me. I then saw him and he told me about his father’s death. Of course I was supportive and felt bad so we got back together and he seemed to be sad initially; but seemed ok.

I would suggest we go for a walk/ go for a picnic/ movie to clear his mind and he would always be too busy or just couldn’t commit or wasn’t in the mood so I left it as I could imagine he wasn’t feeling himself.

he then perked up and seemed to be going out with friends, going out with his kids (park visits; but again when I suggest we go to the park together with his children and mine- he couldn’t commit) then again I didn’t see him for over a week. When I did see him he then told me he was going abroad for the funeral (which I was supportive of) and initially wouldn’t take the kids so I suggested they stayed with me until he came back. He then got back to me a week later to say that he was then taking the kids.

I just feel like I’m being mugged off and this isn’t going anywhere and like I said I initially said this several times before and it seems when I’m over it; he will then come back with something else that would make me feel like I’m acting too harshly (such me stopping contact then he will contact me to tell me he lost his dad, so I forgive and forget. Time before he had moved house so again I forgave and forgot. Time before he had lost his job so I forgave and forgot) but I’m sorry - this doesn’t feel productive.

blocking may be harsh and I don’t think I would do that - but I don’t want to keep doing this anymore and I refuse to wait a month for him to return for him to come with another reason for me to forgive and forget. This isn’t working.

@yaynottoolongtogonow
He is supportive in many other ways. Also as I mentioned above; the relationship has not always been this way.

A holiday abroad doesn’t make a relationship. We could never holiday and still be united. It’s the lack of progression that I’m over.

I think as he's been slow fading you for a long time, it's not that bad to block him and move on.
To start with don't text him while he's away, and if he doesn't contact you for a month, we'll, blocking is no more than he deserves tbh, and sends a clear message.

“sonjadog · Today 17:50
It sounds like he can't commit to a deeper relationship right now, which is what you are looking for. This relationship isn't working for you any more, so end it with him. But do it properly, blocking and deleting a boyfriend of 4 years when his father has just recently died is a dick move.”

This.

I’d have no issue with the 4 weeks away.
Not the just because, even though he might not have been close to his dad, there will be lots of admin stuff to sort out, family to see (with the all possible conflict always coming up in those circumstances) etc….

I would have an issue with the fact you haven’t met his dcs
That you are hardly seeing each other
That he moved further away from you.

I agree the relationship is getting non existent.
id not contact him and wait.
But certainly tell him when he is back and move on.

Im sorry it didn’t work out for you.

you know what something feels off about him going away for a month. It’s like he doesn’t care that he won’t be seeing you for that long.

He hasn’t gone on holiday he gone home for a month to see his family because his dads died

Don’t feel guilty that your needs aren’t being met and he is unhappy about it. As you said 3 months since his dad passed, of course, it’s not enough time to be “over” it but see it another way. You supported in the immediate aftermath of his passing, prior to and post his passing you have not been made a priority and picked and dropped whenever it suited.

I actually think sending him a message now to end things and with your reasons why is perfect timing as there is no chance you’ll see him and seems unlikely you’ll hear from him for a month. Good amount of time and space for you to get over him. Be warned he may call you selfish for bringing it up at this unfortunate time but put yourself first because he hasn’t / isn’t and do what’s right for you.

all the best 🥰

You see him as a bf, but he appears to see you as someone that occupies a very limited part of his life, at his behest. I would just leave it, don't contact him and if he contacts you on his return then tell him you want to no longer continue with this situation because it's not a relationship really is it. Best of luck OP, onwards and upwards.

He's just lost his father. If the relationship's not working any more, at least give him some time and space to get his head around things, don't kick him while he's down.

I think you need to have a proper talk with him before ending things given how long it has been and the current situation. That will have to wait until he gets back.

I don't agree with blocking and deleting or setting him hidden "tests" by not contacting him without letting him know that. Wish him well on his trip and let him know that you'll wait for him to get in touch with you - he then knows that the next move is his and I feel that it is then fair to make a judgement on what he chooses to do next.

Sadly, from what you have described though I'm not sure that he has space to prioritise the relationship right now. For whatever reason, justifiable or not, he has other priorities that are guiding his decisions.

@LakeSnake@Opentooffers
Thank you for the advice. And that’s what I think - He is slowly fading me out and so my mindset now is delete and move on. I feel he probably knows he can’t commit to me but likes the idea of me always being around and being there when he needs me.

@OneLemonOrca This is kind of how I feel. I know he isn’t going on holiday for fun but honestly baring in mind I didn’t see him for over a week before he left (and he knew I wanted to as I told him I wanted to see him before he left; and he had also promised we would go out with the kids before he left as I again bought up that I STILL haven’t met them) and I didn’t see him. But he felt no way to tell me he went to see his friends and went on a night out and had ‘the most fun he has had in years’ and even said he should do things like that more often. Again - a huge slap in the face as I have said and suggested WE go out and he wasn’t bothered or couldn’t due to working overtime. He then just texted me the morning of his flight just before he was leaving to say ‘plane is about to take off now, catch up soon’ and that’s it. No message or call or WhatsApp or anything since. That was a week ago (and like I said I didn’t see him for over a week before he left as he was busy ‘packing and preparing’ for the trip).

@EG94
Thank you. I completely agree.

that was my thought. I am almost certain he won’t call or message on this trip and will expect just carry on as normal when he is back but I’m not a doormat.
Whilst ending things now may seem selfish - I honestly feel like I need to put myself first and I’m sorry but he doesn’t even think of me or consider my feelings anymore so why should I feel bad?

@Dontbeme
Thank you. I will take this advice.

@Eleganz

Thank you. I will consider this.

I also want to add that he moved abroad a few years ago (maybe 3 years ago). We were seeing each other for about a year and we began talking about the future and I asked what he saw in his future and he mentioned he would like to move back home eventually. I asked when (assuming he meant in decades when he retires) however he then dropped it on me that he was planning to move before then. A few weeks/ months later he told me he was leaving and then he left. I of course was heartbroken but was happy for him as he was closer to his kids (who were living back home with his parents as mother could no longer care for them) and whilst we spoke every now and then - the relationship was not as it was. I tried to move on and began going out with my friends and started to minimise contact as I felt I needed to to move on - then 6 months later he came back. He said it was for a holiday and he would be returning but he just never did and he has stayed and the kids have come over since and now live with him.

I was happy and because he mentioned that a lot of the move back was due to him missing me - I assumed we would surely make substantial steps towards becoming a family; but honestly it hasn’t worked that way. He has since moved further away, he works more that he did before (which I get as now he has his children living with him to care for) and I wasn’t able to see him everyday I was before (as of course he had to spend time with his children) and I was supportive and I have been since. But there’s being supportive and being a fool.

The free time he does have (when he is not spending it with his kids or working), he spends with his friends and goes out and has a whale of a time. It doesn’t bother me - but when I suggest we go out and do more things as a couple; it never seems to be a good time. He has to work or he has to do something with the kids or his tired. So we don’t do it.

we have spoken about marriage before and recently also - but because I haven’t met his kids and whilst we are ‘together’ I feel like we live totally separate lives; I just couldn’t imagine marrying into that type of situation.

I wouldn’t want to move in with him unless I was married to him and with him now living over an hour away; that feels like even less of a possibility.
Even if we did get married: If he is always working overtime and doesn’t value me (which is how it certainly feels) then even more reason why I can’t imagine marrying.

Being together for years with no real progression feels like a waste of time and this trip has confirmed again that we will never be a family. After 10+ years of friendship and 4 years of being together- if there is no progression and it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere, it probably isn’t.

He is so clearly not engaged here, I’m not sure you owe this relationship the conversation some posters are saying you do. At most it’s ‘it’s so clear you have no interest in progressing a relationship with me and really I’ve been an absolute mug and let you waste four years of my life, so I moved on. I don’t see any need for us to talk again.’

@Codlingmoths

Thank you. I will consider this also.

Like I said; I am trying so hard to be supportive- and actually I think I am. I actually think I’m so supportive and so lenient he feels it’s ok to not bother anymore.

Do you think I should wait for him to return or just send a message now?

I’m sorry, but never been on holiday in four years. Spending half the year apart. Never met his kids. Why even bother talking about something as pie in the sky as marriage. This isn’t a relationship, it’s glorified f-buddies.

No. Delete, block and move on. One more year makes it HALF A DECADE. Half a decade of your life you will never get back, and gets harder to leave the more time you’ve invested (the sunk cost fallacy).

Edited to add: I honestly don’t think ghosting is even cruel in this situation. It sounds like you’d almost be doing him a favour by not forcing him to have serious conversations he’s not capable of having.

You drip fed that it was his father that died, and that he is the full time single parent because their mum was unable to care for them. Obviously the kids sound to have had a lot of turbulence in recent years, and he is probably their only constant source of stability. He is rightfully prioritising his kids.

Really mean even consider block and delete whilst he is grieving his dad.

Thst being said, it sounds like this set up is not right for you. You want more than he can give to the relationship, and that’s not fair on you, so I would cut my losses and leave. You need to do this face to face though, not a text or call.

@KiwiOtter …Drip fed? I gave more relevant information for others to see the situation I’m dealing with so they are able to offer advice.

Yes the kids have had a turbulent past hence why I’ve never really pushed it that much in terms of meeting them as I know I wouldn’t want a boyfriend meeting my son unless I saw them as someone serious. So I get it.

but yes I will wait for him to return and end it properly.

I can't understand how you haven't met his kids yet in 4 years but, in another post, you mention that you suggested the kids would stay with you while he went abroad??

@florenceandthemac

Well, it’s just that:

I haven’t met the kids but as he was going abroad for the funeral and was unable to pay for his ticket plus 3 teens - he was unsure if he would be able to take them with him. He doesn’t have much family here and the family he does have, don’t live in the part of England that we do.

I wanted to support and offer my help so I suggested he bring his kids to stay with me until he returned. If this was to happen; I would of course have to actually meet them before they stay but ultimately if they needed to stay with me safe until he returned; I would have done so.

This isn’t a relationship. You are just someone whose life he drops in and out of whenever he feels like it.

Has he met your child?

You seem to have stuck around in hopes of a progression on things, but that’s not coming after 4 years.