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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend gone on holiday for 1 month.

114 replies

Bumblebun · 18/05/2024 17:11

How would you feel if your boyfriend of 4 years went on holiday with his children for 1 month?
(Not quite for pleasure but more for bereavement)

You both live separately and have never been on holiday together yet.
Relationship has been rocky recently due to his recent move (which is over an hour’s drive away) and conflicting work schedules, and this means you see each other once a week for a few hours at most. No overnights. Some weeks you don’t see him due to him working overtime. This has been addressed before and there has been no improvement.

Would it be too harsh to block and delete?

OP posts:

betterangels · 19/05/2024 00:08

This relationship isn't working for you any more, so end it with him. But do it properly, blocking and deleting a boyfriend of 4 years when his father has just recently died is a dick move.

Yeah, agree.

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 00:08

@JellyRainbows I agree. And yes he has met my son as we were friends for years before I had my son. My son knows him as my friend though - not a boyfriend.

He also knows my family too - but again this is due to us being friends for years. He has been my best friend for over 10/15 years before we got together - I think even more reason why I’ve always stuck around.

OP posts:

VJBR · 19/05/2024 00:17

I think I would message him now so you can move on. His father died 3 months ago so it’s not like it has just happened. From what you have said it doesn’t sound like he will be that upset anyway. I would say you have had time to reflect while he has been away and realise that the relationship is not progressing and you don’t feel the same. Wish him all the best and hope he gets some closure while with family etc. stick to your guns though. Don’t be persuaded otherwise.

JellyRainbows · 19/05/2024 00:21

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 00:08

@JellyRainbows I agree. And yes he has met my son as we were friends for years before I had my son. My son knows him as my friend though - not a boyfriend.

Edited

That must make things so much more difficult for you, with having such a long friendship 😔

It sounds like he has taken for granted you being there in the background whenever he needs / wants to see you. Absolutely not fair on you to live this way in a relationship all on his terms.

You deserve more than this, and you know it.

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 00:22

@VJBR Thank you. I think this is what I need. Just to cut ties and move on. I would hate to think about this for the next few weeks and drag it out - especially when I honestly think he has checked out anyway so probably wouldn’t really be bothered.

I get it’s unfair to some extend - but I don’t know if he has been fair with me honestly.

I’ll see how I feel in a few days.

OP posts:

SleepPrettyDarling · 19/05/2024 00:27

The relationship is going backwards; it’s past the plateau phase. If I were you, I would draft up a message saying you’ve had the space to realise that the relationship has no future and you are ending it. Don’t add in anything about staying friends. Save the draft and if/when he next contacts you, don’t dither, just send it. You will have the comfort of knowing your mind is made up, and you have your message oven-ready to go. You don’t owe him any explanation.

OneLemonOrca · 19/05/2024 00:28

Bumblebun · 18/05/2024 23:29

@Codlingmoths

Thank you. I will consider this also.

Like I said; I am trying so hard to be supportive- and actually I think I am. I actually think I’m so supportive and so lenient he feels it’s ok to not bother anymore.

Do you think I should wait for him to return or just send a message now?

Edited

I think it depends. If you tell him now he will start moving on in his head and will have a month to do so. If you wait until he gets back he might be thinking about you on his trip sometimes. I think you should wait until he comes back and then drop the bomb on him by treating him in a similar way. you could just never meet up with him again because you’re too busy? Don’t ask about how he’s doing and don’t call?

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 00:28

@JellyRainbows

Thank you.

Honestly yes it’s breaking my heart and because I have such fond memories of us as friends it’s made it so much harder to walk away. I usually don’t think much about break ups but because we have that added value of a long friendship - I always remember that and remember the times he has supported me through break ups and house moves and job loses before getting into my new career. I even remember a few years ago I wanted to stop working and wanted to open my own business in town and he went around calling and looking at commercial places I could secure. He then found me somewhere and was planning to refurbish the space as I wanted it so I could open my business (it didn’t work in the end due to a dodgy landlord) - so things like that have always made me value him.

when my son was born he was poorly and I remember he was always the person I would talk to when I needed to vent or get things off my chest. When I wanted company to visit my son at the hospital he would come with me.

There’s so much history there so I’ve always been supportive and even when our ‘relationship’ began to go south I’ve always tried to make the best of it and hold on - but I suppose I just can’t anymore.

I will wait until he returns though - even if we can’t be together; we can still be friends as he is a good friend (just not a great partner).

OP posts:

Cardinalita90 · 19/05/2024 00:53

I agree that as it's actually been 3 months since his father died and he wasn't in his life much anyway, that does change the situation.

I would send a (respectful) text now. Mainly because him being away for 3 more weeks will remove the option of meeting up until you've had time to adjust to it being over - in case there's any belongings to return etc. Also, it sounds like your whole relationship has been on his terms and you being the one to end things given you already know your decision would be positive for your self worth.

Best of luck OP but don't allow yourself to be talked round. This is not a relationship, it sounds like he's slipped back into seeing you as a friend and you deserve more from a partner.

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 00:57

@Cardinalita90
Thank you. I will consider this also.

This is definitely the end and no going back- I’m done. Just want it to be over now.

OP posts:

SoozyWoozy5 · 19/05/2024 07:41

Wake up to the fact that this just isn't a relationship. End it (properly) and move in.

JabyJay · 19/05/2024 08:01

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/05/2024 17:46

So your boyfriend's father has died, you don't live together and you are in a huff because you think you should have been invited along for a jolly ?

What a stupid unpleasant post.

JabyJay · 19/05/2024 08:04

It sounds barely a relationship at all OP. You can end it civilly when he returns and just move on. Tbh it does sound like the slow fade and it will be easy to do the same or just say bye its not working once he returns.

JabyJay · 19/05/2024 08:06

@SleepPrettyDarling a good summary

Newnamehiwhodis · 19/05/2024 08:16

You’re right. I’ve read all your posts, and you deserve to be valued more than this. He’s giving you less than bare minimum.
it would hurt me too, his lack of communication.
he’s lost a father who wasn’t in his life - it’s really no reason he can’t try to connect with you.

he sounds like an avoidant type, and that’s not a good foundation for a warm, connected, communicative, caring relationship.

there’s no reason you should put your life on hold more years and make excuses for his crappy behavior , as some pp seem to be suggesting.

ok blocking won’t give anyone closure, but I wouldn’t give any more energy to him. He’s taken enough.

I hope you can find good things to spend your time and fill your mind with, so by the time he’s back in touch, he’s just an afterthought.

I’m sorry. This must hurt terribly. I can completely understand the desire to just block him, because f*ck that, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Imustgoforarun · 19/05/2024 08:17

This isn’t a relationship. It’s friendship of don’t sort. Not best friends though whatever you think. Just friends.
time to move on. Don’t block - that is childish. I’m not sure you need to do anything apart from start to get on with your own life. Even your own son sees him as a friend. Start living your own life. I don’t think you even need to message him or tell him. It’s a friendship that is changing and you need to move on. Join some clubs, get out there.

Loubelle70 · 19/05/2024 08:21

Finish relationship. You are being taken for granted. Can take kids but not you? I had this, doesn't get better unless you want to organize everything yourself? It's no fun. End it.

Halerow · 19/05/2024 08:59

Can’t you just wait until he gets back. It’s fine to end it as he doesn’t meet your needs, but blocking and deleting is not something I would want to be on the receiving end of.

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 09:39

SoozyWoozy5 · 19/05/2024 07:41

Wake up to the fact that this just isn't a relationship. End it (properly) and move in.

Wake Up to the fact that this isn’t a relationship?

have you even read the thread or any of my posts? What an ignorant thing to say

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 09:45

Loubelle70 · 19/05/2024 08:21

Finish relationship. You are being taken for granted. Can take kids but not you? I had this, doesn't get better unless you want to organize everything yourself? It's no fun. End it.

Thanks. I think so too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumblebun · 19/05/2024 09:46

@Newnamehiwhodis

Thank you. I agree

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 19/05/2024 12:32

Halerow · 19/05/2024 08:59

Can’t you just wait until he gets back. It’s fine to end it as he doesn’t meet your needs, but blocking and deleting is not something I would want to be on the receiving end of.

Tbh OP doesn't want to be end of being ignored and her partner going away without her for a month. Its his choice without consideration for her, she shouldn't wait. Ring him tell him then block OP..

Dweetfidilove · 19/05/2024 12:44

The month abroad for a funeral is not an issue as depending on where he’s from, these things can be quite drawn out.

He's also a parent with sole custody of his children, so you not getting much time together sounds par for the course. I imagine I’d be like him, hence I’ve chosen not to date…

And that is the crux of the matter. You’re not getting what you want from the relationship- sounds like a complete non-starter anyway. It’s for that reason I’d break up with him. No dramatic block and delete, but you can start moving on and have a conversation with him to end it, when he returns.

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2024 12:49

Lorie94 · 18/05/2024 17:45

Absolutely disgusting you are about to block and delete your boyfriend of 4 years when he has recently lost his father. Give yourself a wobble and reality check.
Tbh he is probably better off without you if all you are thinking about is yourself in this time of grief

Have you read all the OP's posts?

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2024 12:49

Bumblebun · 18/05/2024 17:42

@samestyle

Exactly. This is the point I’ve made in the past.

I get that it’s tricky as he is a single dad with children however they are in their teens and independent. I’m not asking him to move in with me and leave them behind, but more time together would be good otherwise like you said - it’s too casual and it doesn’t feel like we’re moving or growing at all.

Why has he moved further away?

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