I hate my husband

[Yellowwallflower1]

So to keep this relatively short...I really and truly hate my husband.
We dated for 3 years and are now married for 7. I have left him 3 times over 7 years already, but always ended up coming back. I have a 1 year old and 6 year old with him.
He is a nasty piece of work and I am only with him because of the children. They are too young for me to cope with alone (I work 2 part time jobs so don't have anyone to watch the kids whilst i work, if i were to leave), but also need to work to pay bills and provide for my kids. He is a high earner (earns 3x more than me) and pays the mortgage. He refuses to pay nursery fees, council tax, gas, electric, TV license, water because he pays the mortgage which is approx £2000 a month but more than half of this gets covered by rental income from other properties.
He never tells me where he is going, never asks how I am or how my day is. He's got no manners. We've had sex 4 times since April 2022. Two of these times were to get pregnant (another story for another time). He doesn't touch me at all. He acts like he doesn't like me but has begged me to come back every time I've left.
I am going to leave him once my youngest is in school and file for divorce.
Is there anything I should be doing right now about any of this? (Apart from leave him now)
He is not open to discussions and ignores me most of the time.
Please don't judge me. I have been through alot).

This sounds really hard for you.

Before you decide your timeline have you had a look at what you might receive in UC / CMS etc should you decide to leave him sooner.

Don't wait, you should leave him now.

It's deeply unhealthy for you and children if you stay.

You were clearly wrong to get pregnancy with this man.

FOR the children's sake? For the children's sake you should have left years ago tbh. Leave now love. If you stay then you are showing them this is how men behave and this is how relationships look.

There's nothing more damaging than that.

They deserve a happy mother, free from abuse and one pleasant home environment to retreat to away from him.

Your youngest is the perfect age to get out without even remembering what this is was like.

If you're genuinely staying for 4 more years then get your tubes tied. Don't bring any more kids into this shitshow. And don't use the kids as an excuse to stay, because thats bullshit. For their sake you should leave.

Unless you want them to grow up and become him..or date people like him.

Id rather sit in womens aid temp accommodation and live on benefits until i got on my feet again before id stay another moment with him.
I raised to children from birth as a single mum its hard but can be done.

Why have another baby when you knew what he was like you have left before but keep going back because he begs you you need to wake up.
Dont stay any longer than you have i mean you say you want to wait till the youngest is in school before you leave do it now before you end up with another baby in the mix.
You say you cant cope with the kids on your own well millions of women do.
My mother raised 6 on her own and went for a divorce at the same time.
There is plenty of help out there you just have to take it and make a start.
Dont blame the kids for them being hard work so you cant leave its not their fault.
And is it that bad really if it was you would not want to wait another 4 year before you leave it dont make sense .

If you can't physically leave him, you will need to emotionally leave him. Stop thinking of him as someone who tells you where he's going or has sex with you, and start thinking of him as a co parent and house mate. Be polite, but engage only on the surface and in the meantime, start building a life for yourself as best you can. Spend more time with friends, do activities on your own, keep your thoughts to yourself and your emotional distance. You aim is to reach a position of emotional neutrality, where you expect nothing from him. Not only will this help you tolerate him, but will make it easier when you eventually leave.

I have never said my kids are "hard work". I said I couldn't cope with them (dropping, picking them up from school and watching over them all day when at home) as it means I wouldn't be able to work. And if I can't work, I can't pay the bills), or provide for my children.

If it was as easy as you say, I would have. I am named on the mortgage, so I have responsibility if he refuses to pay, which is a possibility if I leave. I cannot afford a 2k mortgage.
There are many things you are unaware of, so please don't make judgements based on the little and very specific information I have provided.

So you're staying with him for his sperm donor qualities, bank balance and childcare abilities.

So what does he get out of the relationship?

I am staying with him for his bank balance and childcare capacity, yes.

What he is getting is the family he always wanted, but sabotages.

This is what i was going to say.

I have already checked this and I am not entitled to anything

move in with parents etc file for a divorce

I really dont know what to say to that what if it was him using you that way you would be livid.
Your very confusing sounds like you dont know what you want or you want the best of both worlds want your cake and eat to.🤔

Would he be open to an agreement that you are together on paper but lead separate lives?

I think you should see a solicitor and find out where you stand legally, including financially. You are married, so you have a lot of protection in law.

Get cold-hearted, focused and logical. Make a plan to leave, based on thorough knowledge of your rights.

Start collecting detailed information about every asset he has, as much information as possible. Keep this information where he won't find it.

He refuses to pay nursery fees, council tax, gas, electric, TV license, water

Stop paying for this stuff. Just stop.

Wow the replies on this post are so unhelpful.
My husband knows exactly how I feel and he knows I have been considering divorce. He makes my life difficult because he knows when it comes to the kids and finances, he's got a hold on me. Until I relieve myself of the childcare fees and my youngest goes to school, I will have extra income that I can use towards a new mortgage or rent. Our mortgage is up for renewal in just over 3 years, which means I do not have to be beholden to him financially.
Many of you think I am using him. You know very little of my circumstances and the kind of person I am. My children have always come first and I have made many many sacrifices for them. And I have no issue continuing to do this.

Please grow up and stop making assumptions.
He's used me in many many ways throughout our marriage.

I haven't considered this actually. But i doubt very much he would accept this or even have an adult conversation about it.

Thank you for the suggestion, this was the kind of advice I was hoping for

Your letting it happen because you dont want to leave for another 4 years.

I think people are being pretty harsh to you OP. How come you won’t be entitled to universal credit (if you left him and quit your jobs for childcare)? Also, a PP is correct - your DC are at a perfect age to leave - they will adjust very quickly and won’t remember what it was like…. I wish mine were as young as yours!

Where do you suggest I go with 2 young children? I have no family who can take me in or help me. Womens aid have advised they can only help with shelter if I or the children are in danger. We are not.
My husband is a dick but he is not a physical danger to my children.

Legally, as he hasn't done anything illegal, the police cannot force him out of the house.
Other than go homeless, would you consider taking in an adult and 2 young children?

I agree the children are at a good age to leave, although when I first left, my son really struggled with this. We moved into rented accommodation while rents were alot more affordable and we had 30 hours free childcare.

I haven't considered quitting my job - I am in a medical role which I have trained for a long time. I bring in good money but with the rising cost of everything, I just about make even.
Quitting would be a major setback for me, my self worth, self identity, my mental health. Quitting isn't really an option for me.

When you are in a difficult relationship it becomes so hard to think about changes, because your life is already so difficult it feels that things could only get worse. You are so precariously balanced and exhausted that change feels impossible and you think in terms of catastrophe: at least we're surviving, it could be worse. But life outside of a bad relationship is a million times better, it can just be hard to summon the strength to leave. Your life will be better when you leave him