I hate my husband

[Yellowwallflower1]

So to keep this relatively short...I really and truly hate my husband.
We dated for 3 years and are now married for 7. I have left him 3 times over 7 years already, but always ended up coming back. I have a 1 year old and 6 year old with him.
He is a nasty piece of work and I am only with him because of the children. They are too young for me to cope with alone (I work 2 part time jobs so don't have anyone to watch the kids whilst i work, if i were to leave), but also need to work to pay bills and provide for my kids. He is a high earner (earns 3x more than me) and pays the mortgage. He refuses to pay nursery fees, council tax, gas, electric, TV license, water because he pays the mortgage which is approx £2000 a month but more than half of this gets covered by rental income from other properties.
He never tells me where he is going, never asks how I am or how my day is. He's got no manners. We've had sex 4 times since April 2022. Two of these times were to get pregnant (another story for another time). He doesn't touch me at all. He acts like he doesn't like me but has begged me to come back every time I've left.
I am going to leave him once my youngest is in school and file for divorce.
Is there anything I should be doing right now about any of this? (Apart from leave him now)
He is not open to discussions and ignores me most of the time.
Please don't judge me. I have been through alot).

OP, respectfully, you've got yourself in an awful mess. That's not being judgmental (I did too, in my own situation) but it's the reality.

You need to leave. Not in 4 years or whatever, now.

First step, talk to a family law solicitor and / or a trusted family member or friend.

Get a handle on your finances, what you can directly control.

Find out what supports you can get, and make a plan around work based on that - which may involve one role, not two p/t.

It is easier, financially and logistically to leave when the DC are young. They get more expensive.

You've clearly had a very problematic dynamic with your H for a long time, leaving but then directly planning to conceive when you knew the marriage wasn't functional.

The sooner you leave, however the finances work, the better. You can do it. It will be hard, and financially stressful. It was for me. But it can be manageable.

You need enough money for a deposit on a rental. Can you save ? Could you take out a loan? Or use a credit card?

Work out your earnings, cost of a rental (perhaps in a cheaper area), bills, food childcare, could you look for cheaper options? Have you factored in the 30 hours or tax free scheme? Could you alter your hours to make childcare cheaper.

If you are not entitled to any UC you must be earning least 40k?

When you divorce you will be entitled to half house equity. Half savings. Share of pensions (both) . Share of rentals income. Maintenance. You would need a solicitor but you could end up with a lot of money, enough to buy a property. So would only be a short term problem.

If you left your husband .....

You'd be living on 2 P/T wages

You'd also get maintenance (which I believe is disregarded for benefit purposes)

You'd also get CBen

You'd have rent and council tax to pay plus all the usual bills

Are you saying that your wages are SO high that based on them you would get zero benefits? Or do you have high savings, which would preclude benefits?

Either way , leave him. Just walk away

The family home would then be sold and through the divorce, you'd get a percentage of your husbands pension

At THIS stage you might not get benefits because of high savings but if you buy a property with the money then the benefits might continue

If he is a high earner and you have a fabulous lawyer, you may not NEED to work. If you get his financials and yours listing the disparity of income and outgoings - ie your name not on properties he’s paying for, you paying 100% of kid’s existence, etc, I think you’d potentially be better off with CMS.

Staying for the children is detrimental to them. When you leave, they will find it hard, short term. The longer you delay, the more fuel you give to their inability to form healthy relationships, long term. As soon as you can, give them the example that, if a relationship isn't happy, you can leave. It will stand them in much better stead than a consistent upbringing of 'Mum and Dad hate each other', whether you think they know about it or not.

You have been given some good advice here. You have a lot more options than you realise. All the assets, house and rental properties, his wages, his pension are all 50% yours as a staring point . Then there is CMS which if he is a high earner may be substantial.

You also have a career that seems to be able to support living expenses. You can pay for childcare with his contributions .
A good lawyer will probably advise you to drop one of your PT jobs , the one he covers for .

The thought of upheaval is scary I know . Once you begin the process it will move forward. You are in a better position than you seem to be aware of. Please get some good legal advice . In future you will look back on this as a difficult time but ultimately one you get through to a happier future for you and your kids.

In the Divorce you will get half the joint assets, which will include half the rental properties (now that’s divided will depend on the specifics of course). Very much appreciate you won’t see these assets for a while as divorce can take a while, but get everything in line right now, leave and initiate divorce proceedings in the next month, and though it’ll initially be hard as hell you absolutely will have more to your name than you seem to think.

tl:dr leave, and assuming your lawyer didn’t get their degree from an online college you’re actually going to be financially far better off once the divorce is done

How much is the house, and how much would you get in a divorce?- assuming half.

Can you divorce, move to something smaller like an apartment, and live off the house money until you're on your feet?

I think married women believe they can't manage financially on their own, and to divorce and move out independently would be utterly overwhelming. I was forced into this situation with a 3 and 1 year old . and believe me it is something you can do and survive, go to citizens advice , you'll get support from universal credit and housing advice. Don't stay with him for financial security.

You dont have responsibility for the mortgage if you leave, itll be a case of him buying you out or selling the property for the equity

My exH hid assets. He without doubt had secret bank account(s) and didn't declare them which he was required to do legally.
I also think he hid money with his father and squirrelled away company assets (self employed). He went from driving a very expensive car, which he always had to driving an old, ordinary SUV. The day our finances were settled, he turned up to collect the children in a £100k+ model. And bought a £500k house. Then shortly after, another property abroad.
Not declaring finances on oath didn't frighten him whatsoever-knowing him it probably gave him a thrill to 'beat the system'. And no solicitor checks up on either parties declarations. It's all based on the 'honesty' of both parties.
My second husband couldn't be more different. I'm so glad to be free of him.

You cannot put your children through another 4 years of this.

You will be entitled to Child maintenance if he is a high earner. And child benefit if you earn under £80k. Get legal advice on marital assets too.

You can also access funded childcare for the little one and tax free childcare for both children. Why do you need to wait until your youngest is in school? Will he refuse to look after the kids if you leave him? Who has them now to fit around your working hours?

Leave now. What property can you afford for the time being? Can you get a 1/2 bed flat? If not, why not? If you don’t qualify for UC you must be on a decent salary of at least 40k. Is there any other financial reason you feel you can’t leave?

My husband has been very clever.
He has put one rental house (mortgage free) in his father's name. The second rental has a mortgage on it.
He does not have a formsl pension, claiming the houses will be his pension.

His business earns 6 figures net profit a year. His business is very nearly at the 7 figure mark. He can take a 6 figure dividend each year if he wishes. He does not, he keeps it in his limited company. He pays himself as an employee a modest salary, enough to cover the mortgage and other bits for himself.
He is sole director.
All in all, the business is classed as a separate entity to him. He has been very clever. He took all our passports and filed them away in a locked filing cabinet. I didn't have a key. I do now and have removed all the passports for me and my kids.
He is very controlling, goes through my things when I am out of the house. He checks every bedroom and every cupboard.
Working is the only thing I have that he can't touch. He has been telling me to quit work and work privately. He knows then my work is not secure and I won't have a reliable income, which means I can't go anywhere.

All the more reason to leave, now.

You need to work out a plan for living independently, while pursuing him for support & a divorce.

It is possible though not easy.

Now you have your passports, why would you risk staying and having them taken from you again?

Start taking immediate steps to leave.

This. You're making excuses, the grass won't necessarily be greener in a few years time. Children grow so quickly , 3 more years in an unhappy home is a sizeable chunk of their lives.

You are talking as if the kids are yours only, they are his just as much as yours.

They might aswel be.
I dedicate every waking moment to them, when I'm not at work and they're not at nursery/school. I do everything for them.
My husband only "watches" them if I am working or have to pop to the shops briefly.
Others have commented about how I have practically raised them myself.

Don't judge a situation you don't know.
There are many factors in this I haven't shared, to retain my confidentiality.

All these things to control you can't actually keep you prisoner in the marriage, you have options. Research them...

Don't judge a situation you don't know.

Always the I’m asking on a public forum but don’t judge comment..

You need to try and keep records and evidence of the controlling behaviour. This is abuse and abuse escalates when you try to leave so having this evidence will help the police to respond swiftly and appropriately if necessary down the line.

Don’t focus on what you won’t get financially but what you will get. Find out exactly what you’ll get and leave.

So you want her to reveal all the details just to feed your nosiness meter and potentially risk leaving him in the best possible way?

Yes it’s a public forum, and we’re here to give her support and advice based on the information that’s provided. Not ‘Please tell us all the details so I can judge you more and feel better about my life on a Saturday morning’

Either offer support or advice, or leave the unhelpful comments at home.

Good Day.

Why are you getting all these arsehole-y replies!

So sorry OP, what is wrong with people

Sounds like a really difficult situation

First things first, I would say get evidence of all assets and earnings and send them to yourself at an email address he doesn’t know of. Take photos when he’s out. Ideally keep hard copies at a friend’s or family member’s too.

Get legal advice. Many solicitors offer a free initial hour or half hour.

Then you will have a clearer idea of where you stand. And can start making firm plans.

With leaving, personally I would try to do this sooner rather than later (if you feel able to). I would not underestimate the toll another 4 years will take on you and the fact that in 4 years it may feel more difficult for different reasons – your youngest will then be settled in the setup, your elder will be 10 – a much more sensitive age to leave their Dad and set up somewhere new. Your lives will feel further entwined, and your life before you met him will have receded further into the past.

You will find a way through, although it probably feels incredibly overwhelming now. It’s so difficult to imagine things will be better when you feel worn down.

I think what you need in the meantime is morale and to feel a bit more in control. Taking those steps to gather evidence and find out where you stand legally will hopefully make things feel clearer.

Leave, find a way and leave.
I am a product of a women who wanted a baby with an abusive man and stayed in a 15 year marriage, home was awful. My mother was selfish wanting a child with a man who wasn't fit to be a father, it ruined my childhood and has effected me as an adult.